- the warm sun on my face when I walked outside yesterday during my lunch hour. I then sat in the sun and read for a few minutes...it was glorious.
- not giving my husband grief when he sent me on a wild goose chase for his prescription....at the wrong pharmacy. He was certain he called it in...he did...to the other store. But I didn't give him a hard time as he was doing enough of that himself. Although I felt pretty dumb at the counter telling the techs that it had been called in the day before so there should be no reason why it wasn't ready now. :-)
- the peanut butter/jelly bars that a co-worker brought in Monday. We are still nibbling on them today. I'm sure they have 1,000 calories each but they are so damn good I just can't help but have at least 1 each day.
- knowing my blogging buddies are here for me. I always get good advice and encouragement from you guys. And you usually help me see another side of things that I might have missed in my rage/frustration/sadness. So...thanks.
- daylight savings time this weekend. I will be getting home and still having an hour (or more as time goes by) of daylight. I will use this time wisely to either enjoy my deck (that has been ignored in the cold and snow) or I will go for evening walks around the neighborhood. I haven't been able to walk around a neighborhood (and feel safe) since I was a kid.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Just Once
Just once I'd like my body to do what it has in the past. Minus the not getting pregnant part. Just once I'd like to know that I did everything right on my end. Why is that too much to ask? I'm so frustrated right now that I could scream and cry and throw in the towel. I know I'm over reacting but I don't care. I know I should just pipe down and settle in for the 2ww. But I don't want to pipe down. I'm tired of being quiet and just sitting here like nothing is bothering me.
Way back in the day (and even now) when I used opk's to time BD'ing it was tricky. I would get a positive and then I would ovulate less than 48 hours later. Usually, I would ovulate in 24 hours or less when I got the positive result. I have come to count on that. I have come to rely on that. I have always been certain that my surge wasn't as strong as those women who get a positive and know they have up to 2 days before ovulation. It has always been that way for me. Until now, of course.
Not only is my body trying to get back to normal in length and day of ovulation, but it seems like it's trying to act like a "normal" woman's body, too. Where is all of this anger and frustration coming from? I'll tell you...
BJ and I did our thing Friday night like we had wanted. I knew it was still early but feared that I'd get the positive on Saturday and be out of luck. Imagine how happy I was that I tested negative twice on Saturday. I knew asking you ladies for help in that area would work. And like I had hoped, I got a blaring positive on the opk Sunday. Heaven's to Betsy this was going to be perfect! BJ and I had already been teasing and flirting with each other so we both had it on our minds. The Little Guy went with his mom after his basketball game and BJ and I went out to watch the rest of the race and just chill. I had a couple of drinks and we ate dinner. We went home and of course being all relaxed and what not, things happened. I was pretty happy since I just knew I'd ovulate Monday.
I started feeling sick around 11:00pm. I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and needed to use the bathroom. As soon as I was done with that, I was hurling up my dinner. Great. I was up a couple more times sitting on and then sticking my head in the toilet. A great visual don't you think? It was terrible. BJ said that his stomach was hurting, too so we deduced that our crab dip made us sick. I didn't get to sleep until a little after 2:00am. Then it was off to work. I would have stayed home but we had a big meeting to prepare for and my boss had a trip that I needed to finalize some details on. I didn't get sick anymore but I felt pretty queasy all day. Not to mention I was exhausted. Puking takes a lot out of a person. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't feeling any ovulation pains. I decided (and I don't know why) to POAS again. And it was another blaring positive.
Most women would be ecstatic to get a positive 2 days in a row. I'm obviously not most women. I was so mad that I cursed that 2nd line. There was no way either of us was going to be up for another romp after the night we had...it was bad enough that I was sick and didn't sleep but I kept waking BJ up every time I got out of and into bed. Plus, BJ asked me in the morning if we had at least gotten our timing right. I beamed out a big "yes" and told him I was pretty sure I'd be ovulating Monday. Now here it is Tuesday (CD13) and I still don't feel like I'm ovulating fully, I've had a few pinches in the ovary area but nothing definitive.
Again, I'm over reacting with all this anger and frustration as I know I should take this as a good sign. Maybe my fertility is not diminishing as much as I had feared. Maybe it just needs to work out some kinks? I don't know, but I had better feel some ovulation pains today. We have the Little Guy tonight so I don't know if I'd be able to swindle some action out of BJ or not. I just want my body to be predictable again...although as predictable as it used to be I never got a baby out of it.
Oh, and thanks for the advice and well wishes regarding the Clomid. I know I'm a pretty quick responder and that my follies grow fast (when not suppressed into oblivion) so I'm going to take it starting on day 3. I figure it's better to start a little early than to miss the boat all together. When I did my IUI's I responded well starting on day 3 so that's going to be my plan of attack next cycle.
Way back in the day (and even now) when I used opk's to time BD'ing it was tricky. I would get a positive and then I would ovulate less than 48 hours later. Usually, I would ovulate in 24 hours or less when I got the positive result. I have come to count on that. I have come to rely on that. I have always been certain that my surge wasn't as strong as those women who get a positive and know they have up to 2 days before ovulation. It has always been that way for me. Until now, of course.
Not only is my body trying to get back to normal in length and day of ovulation, but it seems like it's trying to act like a "normal" woman's body, too. Where is all of this anger and frustration coming from? I'll tell you...
BJ and I did our thing Friday night like we had wanted. I knew it was still early but feared that I'd get the positive on Saturday and be out of luck. Imagine how happy I was that I tested negative twice on Saturday. I knew asking you ladies for help in that area would work. And like I had hoped, I got a blaring positive on the opk Sunday. Heaven's to Betsy this was going to be perfect! BJ and I had already been teasing and flirting with each other so we both had it on our minds. The Little Guy went with his mom after his basketball game and BJ and I went out to watch the rest of the race and just chill. I had a couple of drinks and we ate dinner. We went home and of course being all relaxed and what not, things happened. I was pretty happy since I just knew I'd ovulate Monday.
I started feeling sick around 11:00pm. I woke up with a terrible stomach ache and needed to use the bathroom. As soon as I was done with that, I was hurling up my dinner. Great. I was up a couple more times sitting on and then sticking my head in the toilet. A great visual don't you think? It was terrible. BJ said that his stomach was hurting, too so we deduced that our crab dip made us sick. I didn't get to sleep until a little after 2:00am. Then it was off to work. I would have stayed home but we had a big meeting to prepare for and my boss had a trip that I needed to finalize some details on. I didn't get sick anymore but I felt pretty queasy all day. Not to mention I was exhausted. Puking takes a lot out of a person. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't feeling any ovulation pains. I decided (and I don't know why) to POAS again. And it was another blaring positive.
Most women would be ecstatic to get a positive 2 days in a row. I'm obviously not most women. I was so mad that I cursed that 2nd line. There was no way either of us was going to be up for another romp after the night we had...it was bad enough that I was sick and didn't sleep but I kept waking BJ up every time I got out of and into bed. Plus, BJ asked me in the morning if we had at least gotten our timing right. I beamed out a big "yes" and told him I was pretty sure I'd be ovulating Monday. Now here it is Tuesday (CD13) and I still don't feel like I'm ovulating fully, I've had a few pinches in the ovary area but nothing definitive.
Again, I'm over reacting with all this anger and frustration as I know I should take this as a good sign. Maybe my fertility is not diminishing as much as I had feared. Maybe it just needs to work out some kinks? I don't know, but I had better feel some ovulation pains today. We have the Little Guy tonight so I don't know if I'd be able to swindle some action out of BJ or not. I just want my body to be predictable again...although as predictable as it used to be I never got a baby out of it.
Oh, and thanks for the advice and well wishes regarding the Clomid. I know I'm a pretty quick responder and that my follies grow fast (when not suppressed into oblivion) so I'm going to take it starting on day 3. I figure it's better to start a little early than to miss the boat all together. When I did my IUI's I responded well starting on day 3 so that's going to be my plan of attack next cycle.
Friday, March 5, 2010
On to the Weekend
I'm so ready for the weekend. And this is after I was off on Wednesday. I have Spring Fever like no one's business. I can't wait for the 55 degree weather with the sunshine that is forecast for us. I'm so over Winter.
I had my ob/gyn annual on Wednesday. I was feeling pretty darn lucky that I didn't see any preggos in the office. What a relief. There was only a 17 year old girl there for her first pap. Her mom recognized me from the commuter bus we ride and spilled her guts. I'm sure her daughter was mortified. Poor thing.
I went in and was weighed and was very surprised that I didn't weigh nearly as much as I thought I did. I'm still a lot flabbier than I want to be, but at least the number was lower than I expected.
When my doctor came in she asked me what was going on. I proceeded to tell her that I'd like to take 50mg of Clomid next cycle and she asked me why. I told her about the failed IUI's and the failed IVF. I also told her that while I thought Dr. M was very nice, I don't feel like he (or anyone) tried to figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. They just wanted to lump me in with other "cases" and "typical numbers". She said that she didn't want me to think that just taking Clomid would work. And I assured her that I had no illusions but that I needed to feel like I was doing something. She agreed to write the script. What confused me was that she wants me to take it on days 5-9 instead of days 3-7 like I have previously. I didn't ask her why at the time and I could kick myself for it. I haven't had the chance to search google for the difference, either. Maybe some of my well versed readers could help me out with that one. She didn't seem to be concerned with my new lighter and sometimes shorter cycles so that's good. All in all it was a good appointment and I'm glad I asked her for the drugs.
We are taking the Little Guy to get him signed up for baseball tomorrow. Then he has to get all new baseball gear as he grows like a weed and will need new stuff. He then has a b-day party to go to in the afternoon. Then on Sunday he has his last basketball game. It will be a busy weekend again for us. I'm looking forward to being out and about and wearing a light jacket instead of my Winter coat.
I'm on CD9 today and I poas (the opk kind) and got the faintest of second lines. I'm thinking that means I'll be O'ing sooner than I did last cycle. It's always nice to be fertile on the weekend. I'm hoping that I'm far enough away from peak so that we can have fun tonight and Sunday...that would be perfect timing. But knowing my luck, we will DTD tonight and I'll get a positive tomorrow and be SOL. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't get a positive tomorrow...that it holds off until at least Sunday. We'll be alone Monday night and we tend to be more frisky when we are alone. wink wink.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
I had my ob/gyn annual on Wednesday. I was feeling pretty darn lucky that I didn't see any preggos in the office. What a relief. There was only a 17 year old girl there for her first pap. Her mom recognized me from the commuter bus we ride and spilled her guts. I'm sure her daughter was mortified. Poor thing.
I went in and was weighed and was very surprised that I didn't weigh nearly as much as I thought I did. I'm still a lot flabbier than I want to be, but at least the number was lower than I expected.
When my doctor came in she asked me what was going on. I proceeded to tell her that I'd like to take 50mg of Clomid next cycle and she asked me why. I told her about the failed IUI's and the failed IVF. I also told her that while I thought Dr. M was very nice, I don't feel like he (or anyone) tried to figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. They just wanted to lump me in with other "cases" and "typical numbers". She said that she didn't want me to think that just taking Clomid would work. And I assured her that I had no illusions but that I needed to feel like I was doing something. She agreed to write the script. What confused me was that she wants me to take it on days 5-9 instead of days 3-7 like I have previously. I didn't ask her why at the time and I could kick myself for it. I haven't had the chance to search google for the difference, either. Maybe some of my well versed readers could help me out with that one. She didn't seem to be concerned with my new lighter and sometimes shorter cycles so that's good. All in all it was a good appointment and I'm glad I asked her for the drugs.
We are taking the Little Guy to get him signed up for baseball tomorrow. Then he has to get all new baseball gear as he grows like a weed and will need new stuff. He then has a b-day party to go to in the afternoon. Then on Sunday he has his last basketball game. It will be a busy weekend again for us. I'm looking forward to being out and about and wearing a light jacket instead of my Winter coat.
I'm on CD9 today and I poas (the opk kind) and got the faintest of second lines. I'm thinking that means I'll be O'ing sooner than I did last cycle. It's always nice to be fertile on the weekend. I'm hoping that I'm far enough away from peak so that we can have fun tonight and Sunday...that would be perfect timing. But knowing my luck, we will DTD tonight and I'll get a positive tomorrow and be SOL. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't get a positive tomorrow...that it holds off until at least Sunday. We'll be alone Monday night and we tend to be more frisky when we are alone. wink wink.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Happiness Is...3/2/2010
* my Kindle. You will see that here a lot. I love it to pieces. It's my escape into another world without being a cumbersome burden with actual (gasp) pages to turn and weight to carry around. I can't thank my husband enough for it.
* the Little Guy making his first basket during a game on Saturday. I yelled and cheered and so did his mother. Then we said to each other, "man, we are loud". But it was great.
* laughing hysterically at my beloved the other evening. Allow me to set the stage. We were on the couch watching TV and he needed a snack. He had just gotten out of the shower so he was in very clean clothes that he intended on sleeping in. He grabbed a small container of mandarin oranges and sat down and began pulling the top off. Some of the liquid came out right on his belly. I just chuckled at that point and tried to tell him to be careful pulling the rest off but before I could, he dumped about 2 tablespoons of the liquid as he pulled the lid off. I burst out laughing while trying not to. He just looked at me in disbelief...of his "accident" and the fact that I was laughing so much. He told me I was about to wear some of it too, if I didn't pipe down. I couldn't help but keep laughing and he relented and just laughed too.
* my husband telling me that it's ok to go and talk to that doctor that our tax lady recommended. He said that if we get back 80% then it can't hurt to go and talk to him and have him review our/my records. Of course, any tests are probably out of the question. It can't hurt to have a sit down, though.
* the show Chuck. It's a show that we watch with the Little Guy and that he actually pays attention to. It can sometimes be a little over his head and a little inappropriate for his age, but all in all it's a good show that we like to watch together. I actually had my heart strings tugged on last night's episode.
* the Little Guy making his first basket during a game on Saturday. I yelled and cheered and so did his mother. Then we said to each other, "man, we are loud". But it was great.
* laughing hysterically at my beloved the other evening. Allow me to set the stage. We were on the couch watching TV and he needed a snack. He had just gotten out of the shower so he was in very clean clothes that he intended on sleeping in. He grabbed a small container of mandarin oranges and sat down and began pulling the top off. Some of the liquid came out right on his belly. I just chuckled at that point and tried to tell him to be careful pulling the rest off but before I could, he dumped about 2 tablespoons of the liquid as he pulled the lid off. I burst out laughing while trying not to. He just looked at me in disbelief...of his "accident" and the fact that I was laughing so much. He told me I was about to wear some of it too, if I didn't pipe down. I couldn't help but keep laughing and he relented and just laughed too.
* my husband telling me that it's ok to go and talk to that doctor that our tax lady recommended. He said that if we get back 80% then it can't hurt to go and talk to him and have him review our/my records. Of course, any tests are probably out of the question. It can't hurt to have a sit down, though.
* the show Chuck. It's a show that we watch with the Little Guy and that he actually pays attention to. It can sometimes be a little over his head and a little inappropriate for his age, but all in all it's a good show that we like to watch together. I actually had my heart strings tugged on last night's episode.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Just My Luck
BJ and I had our taxes done Saturday. The good news is that we qualify for the moving up credit. The bad news is that we were about $1,000 shy of being able to write off our medical expenses. And I say that it's the "bad" news only because I'm bitter that I didn't get a baby out of it and that I wanted some of the money back. I think it's only fair...whether you pay $20,000 for 6 tries in the shared risk program or if you pay $8,000 for a one shot deal, we should get some of our money back for not getting the product for which we paid. Whatever. I should just shut up and be glad that we qualified for the housing credit.
As we are sitting there going over our medical amounts with the tax lady (this is the 3rd year she has done them for us) she sees the total and says "are you guys trying to get ill on me?" and I responded with "no, we were trying to get a baby." She nodded and did the "ahhh" thing and continued with her work. BJ went on to say what a racket he thought the whole place was and I defended the clinic (although I don't know why) while she punched in the numbers. When she was finished, she looks at us as serious as can be and says to me..."you need to stand on your head and you (looking at BJ) need to just drop it in." We laughed because what else is there to do when someone makes a comment like that? She then proceeds to tell me a story about how she went through years of testing and prodding trying to get pregnant and then she stumbled upon this doctor. He said she had "hesions" in her uterus, did a D&C and put in an IUD for 6 months. He took it out and told her to "stand on her head and have her husband drop it in" and wouldn't you know she was KU within 6 weeks?
Of course, I had to look him up. BJ and I found him online yesterday and he told me that I needed to give him a call today. So I did. And wouldn't you know that he doesn't accept any form of insurance and an office visit for a new patient is $250. I was thinking that I could maybe talk to him and see what his thoughts were on my case and see if he had an opinion since he specializes in infertility testing. I know the whole "standing on my head" thing is a crock, but the guy has been around for over 30 years and he's been all over the world and, like I said, he specializes in infertility testing. I can't spend $250 on an office visit and then pay out of pocket for anything he'd want done. I could get reimbursed 80% from my insurance for any tests, but infertility testing is very expensive and I just can't spend that kind of money right now. This blows.
So, first we don't qualify to have our IVF written off our on our taxes and now I can't even get in to see this guy and see what he thinks. Just my luck.
I did tell BJ that I'm probably going to ask my regular ob/gyn for clomid. He seemed ok with that. I think he's thinking what I'm thinking...we have to try something that doesn't cost us hardly any money because we don't really have the money to spare right now. If we didn't need a lawn tractor and a shed to put it in then maybe we could do an IVF, but alas...there are real life things that we need to spend our tax refund on...can't go throwing money into the wind on hopes and dreams anymore. Been there, done that. The hopes and dreams are still here but we have to be responsible with our money. Responsibility sucks.
As we are sitting there going over our medical amounts with the tax lady (this is the 3rd year she has done them for us) she sees the total and says "are you guys trying to get ill on me?" and I responded with "no, we were trying to get a baby." She nodded and did the "ahhh" thing and continued with her work. BJ went on to say what a racket he thought the whole place was and I defended the clinic (although I don't know why) while she punched in the numbers. When she was finished, she looks at us as serious as can be and says to me..."you need to stand on your head and you (looking at BJ) need to just drop it in." We laughed because what else is there to do when someone makes a comment like that? She then proceeds to tell me a story about how she went through years of testing and prodding trying to get pregnant and then she stumbled upon this doctor. He said she had "hesions" in her uterus, did a D&C and put in an IUD for 6 months. He took it out and told her to "stand on her head and have her husband drop it in" and wouldn't you know she was KU within 6 weeks?
Of course, I had to look him up. BJ and I found him online yesterday and he told me that I needed to give him a call today. So I did. And wouldn't you know that he doesn't accept any form of insurance and an office visit for a new patient is $250. I was thinking that I could maybe talk to him and see what his thoughts were on my case and see if he had an opinion since he specializes in infertility testing. I know the whole "standing on my head" thing is a crock, but the guy has been around for over 30 years and he's been all over the world and, like I said, he specializes in infertility testing. I can't spend $250 on an office visit and then pay out of pocket for anything he'd want done. I could get reimbursed 80% from my insurance for any tests, but infertility testing is very expensive and I just can't spend that kind of money right now. This blows.
So, first we don't qualify to have our IVF written off our on our taxes and now I can't even get in to see this guy and see what he thinks. Just my luck.
I did tell BJ that I'm probably going to ask my regular ob/gyn for clomid. He seemed ok with that. I think he's thinking what I'm thinking...we have to try something that doesn't cost us hardly any money because we don't really have the money to spare right now. If we didn't need a lawn tractor and a shed to put it in then maybe we could do an IVF, but alas...there are real life things that we need to spend our tax refund on...can't go throwing money into the wind on hopes and dreams anymore. Been there, done that. The hopes and dreams are still here but we have to be responsible with our money. Responsibility sucks.
Thank You
Thank you, once again, for being there. For reading. For understanding. For just being you. I've received some of the kindest, most welcomed comments this week...especially on my FB ranting post. And to answer the main questions of "why not just hide her"...she's my ex-sil and I still feel pretty close to her. She means no harm, she's just so wrapped up in her own world that she doesn't stop to think about how her actions may affect others. Almost everyone that she is "friends" with has kids or is pg so she lives in a totally different world than I do. Although I know she knows that her brother and I were never able to conceive....she just doesn't think about that. She even changed her profile picture to her u/s picture. Anyway, enough about her. Thank you to all of those that stopped by for ICLW and left great comments. I'm sorry that we are all living in this IF world, but at least we have each other.
I was also given a couple of awards and I will post about that in a day or so. I have some other things I want to get out in the open first, but I didn't want to just skim over that. So thank you very much Patrish and AnxiousMummyto3 for my awards. I will do a better job of accepting them shortly. I appreciate every and all readers so know that I am honored to receive these awards.
I was also given a couple of awards and I will post about that in a day or so. I have some other things I want to get out in the open first, but I didn't want to just skim over that. So thank you very much Patrish and AnxiousMummyto3 for my awards. I will do a better job of accepting them shortly. I appreciate every and all readers so know that I am honored to receive these awards.
An Award? For Me? Awww Shucks....
I have received the Happy 101 Award from AnxiousMummy...thank you so much! The rules are pretty simple:
When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award as well. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!
Here are 10 things that make my day:
1 - I love it when the sun shines. I love the warmth it brings to the day and to my insides.
2 - I love an ice cold fountain cola in the morning.
3 - I love it when my cat comes running to meet me at the door in the evening.
4 - I love laying in the bed with my husband for a minute or two before I have to rush to catch my bus in the morning.
5 - I love it when my husband suggests spaghetti for dinner. I'm a pasta freak.
6 - I love it when the Little Guy gives me a big hug for no real reason.
7 - I love a hot bubble bath in my soaking tub.
8 - I love my little cat naps on the bus in the afternoon. They may only last for 20 minutes, but it feels really good to just escape for that little bit of time.
9 - I love it when my husband sends me an unsolicited "I love you" text.
10 - I love snuggling with my husband in bed after setting the timer on the TV for 30 minutes and then the cat jumps up and lays next to me for the night...sweet dreams.
And here are 10 blogs (in no particular order) that I love reading for many different reasons, but mainly because I have come to care about what happens to these women in their journey of life.
1. Peanut Noodle
2. Babies everywhere...but none that call me mama
3. Conceive this
4. Cats with passports
5. Wait, what?
6. Slice of pie
7. Life and love in the petri dish
8. Gracie in Brooklyn
9. Remember all the way
10. I've got news for you
I do need to warn you, some of these bloggers have found themselves, shall we say...in the "family way". Just wanted to let everyone know in case you clicked on one of them for the first time and they are discussing their pregnancy. Just wanted to let it be known that I do, actually, keep reading blogs after the BFP. :-)
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