This past weekend I was convinced that everything was
over. Every single symptom (just about)
disappeared into thin air. I was on the
go from 10:00am to 3:30pm and was hardly tired at all. There were no queasy moments, no smell
aversions and I pretty much could eat everything I set out to eat. My breasts were barely tender and I developed
a headache in the afternoon. This is the
type of headache that I used to get just days before my period would
start. It signaled the nose-diving
progesterone. I haven’t had a headache
in months. I also did not experience any
twinges, pinches or pains in my uterus.
I was sure that it was over. I
explained these fears to BJ and he wasn’t really sure how to react. He said that he’s never heard of a woman
complaining about not throwing up. He
also said that he’s sure that not everyone goes through their entire pregnancy
in pain. I gently accused him of not
being supportive of my fears. He then
said that he was just trying to make me feel better. He’s sweet but he’s never lived with a
pregnant infertile.
For all the reasons above, I did not share the news with my
parents when I called my dad for Father’s day on Sunday. I chickened out. Plus, they were at a fish fry with all of my
cousins so it just didn’t feel right.
Sunday was a day of not feeling pregnant, too. I tried not to dwell on it. I tried my mantra many times – baby’s fine,
baby’s fine, baby’s fine. It just wasn’t
working.
When Monday arrived I started having the upset stomach again. YAY!! It really put my mind at ease to say the least. I was extremely tired throughout the day and evening. I had some pinches and twinges in the uterus again, too. All very exciting stuff, let me tell you.
Being pregnant after suffering infertility is really
hard. As happy as I am, I’m also scared
to death. Since my belly is not growing
yet (other than the constipation bloat) the only proof I have of a life growing
inside is (are?) my symptoms. I know
that they come and go and that I should be grateful for the days I feel good. I am grateful, but for the next 2 weeks these
symptoms are my saving grace. When they
go away, I get scared. I think it’s
pretty normal to feel this way. In fact,
I read a post in my reader yesterday that I could have written myself. You can check it out here. She’s a little further along than me but it’s
nice to know that I’m not a crazy lady for having these feelings.
These next 2 weeks are going to be tough and I’m not sure
how I’m going to distract myself to help keep my sanity make the time go
by faster. I suppose I will need to put
on my patient hat and just suck it up. There’s
nothing else to do, right? BJ said that
they won’t let me come in just because I’m scared and I know he’s right. I just wish that I had a doctor 5 minutes
from my house that would let me sneak in and listen for a heartbeat. Although, at 8w5d I don’t think I’d be able
to hear it from the outside. *sigh*
I’m doing ok today because my stomach is a little upset and
that is always reassuring. It’s those
moments when I fear the worst that really suck.
We’ve been having fun talking about the baby and especially being open
about it in front of the LG. BJ asked me
when we are going to start looking at baby furniture. WHAT?
I told him at least not until after my OB appointment but probably not
until later than that. He doesn’t quite
get it. I haven’t been able to bring
myself to look at anything baby related other than my baby center app on my
phone. It’s not like I’m sitting here
expecting the worst. I’m just not
sitting here thinking everything is going to be hunky dory. Does that make sense?
I’m in total awe that I am pregnant and I’m not taking one minute of it for granted. I’m just scared that a shoe will drop and this will all come to an end. If something like that were a rarity I wouldn’t worry so much. However, as we all know, it happens way too often. I am not naïve enough to think that it could never happen to me. I just keep hoping and praying that everything is going like it should. Say it with me…baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.
