Two Week Wait of Another Kind

I have 2 weeks until my first OB appointment.  I’ve already waited a week so actually I’m in a 3 week wait.  It’s excruciating.  I’m hoping that once I know things are still going ok in there the wait between appointments won’t be so bad.  However, I’ve read enough IF blogs to know that that is just wishful thinking.  It’s what I’m going with though.

This past weekend I was convinced that everything was over.  Every single symptom (just about) disappeared into thin air.  I was on the go from 10:00am to 3:30pm and was hardly tired at all.  There were no queasy moments, no smell aversions and I pretty much could eat everything I set out to eat.  My breasts were barely tender and I developed a headache in the afternoon.  This is the type of headache that I used to get just days before my period would start.  It signaled the nose-diving progesterone.  I haven’t had a headache in months.  I also did not experience any twinges, pinches or pains in my uterus.  I was sure that it was over.  I explained these fears to BJ and he wasn’t really sure how to react.  He said that he’s never heard of a woman complaining about not throwing up.  He also said that he’s sure that not everyone goes through their entire pregnancy in pain.  I gently accused him of not being supportive of my fears.  He then said that he was just trying to make me feel better.  He’s sweet but he’s never lived with a pregnant infertile.

For all the reasons above, I did not share the news with my parents when I called my dad for Father’s day on Sunday.  I chickened out.  Plus, they were at a fish fry with all of my cousins so it just didn’t feel right.  Sunday was a day of not feeling pregnant, too.  I tried not to dwell on it.  I tried my mantra many times – baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.  It just wasn’t working.

When Monday arrived I started having the upset stomach again.  YAY!!  It really put my mind at ease to say the least.  I was extremely tired throughout the day and evening.  I had some pinches and twinges in the uterus again, too.  All very exciting stuff, let me tell you.

Being pregnant after suffering infertility is really hard.  As happy as I am, I’m also scared to death.  Since my belly is not growing yet (other than the constipation bloat) the only proof I have of a life growing inside is (are?) my symptoms.  I know that they come and go and that I should be grateful for the days I feel good.  I am grateful, but for the next 2 weeks these symptoms are my saving grace.  When they go away, I get scared.  I think it’s pretty normal to feel this way.  In fact, I read a post in my reader yesterday that I could have written myself.  You can check it out here.  She’s a little further along than me but it’s nice to know that I’m not a crazy lady for having these feelings.

These next 2 weeks are going to be tough and I’m not sure how I’m going to distract myself to help keep my sanity make the time go by faster.  I suppose I will need to put on my patient hat and just suck it up.  There’s nothing else to do, right?  BJ said that they won’t let me come in just because I’m scared and I know he’s right.  I just wish that I had a doctor 5 minutes from my house that would let me sneak in and listen for a heartbeat.  Although, at 8w5d I don’t think I’d be able to hear it from the outside.  *sigh*

I’m doing ok today because my stomach is a little upset and that is always reassuring.  It’s those moments when I fear the worst that really suck.  We’ve been having fun talking about the baby and especially being open about it in front of the LG.  BJ asked me when we are going to start looking at baby furniture.  WHAT?  I told him at least not until after my OB appointment but probably not until later than that.  He doesn’t quite get it.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at anything baby related other than my baby center app on my phone.  It’s not like I’m sitting here expecting the worst.  I’m just not sitting here thinking everything is going to be hunky dory.  Does that make sense?

I’m in total awe that I am pregnant and I’m not taking one minute of it for granted.  I’m just scared that a shoe will drop and this will all come to an end.  If something like that were a rarity I wouldn’t worry so much.  However, as we all know, it happens way too often.  I am not naïve enough to think that it could never happen to me.  I just keep hoping and praying that everything is going like it should.  Say it with me…baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.