24 Hours

In 24 hours (from when I started this post at 11:00) I will be arriving at the clinic.  ER is set for 12:30.  This past 24 hours has been pretty rough.  My thoughts and emotions are all over the place so I think this post will be, too.

I had my scan yesterday morning and this is what they found:

11 follicles, 8 measurable - 16.9 to 23.3 - the tech said she thought I had 3 mature.  I'm hoping for more.
My E2 came back at 2,323!  Go me!  Last time it didn't get over 1001.
Lining is perfect.

The surgery center called me and told me that trigger would be at 12:30am, not the best but it could have been much worse.  BJ wasn't happy but we set our alarms and did what we had to do.  It didn't hurt too bad but I'm sore today.  I don't remember being sore last time.  BJ is not sure that the nurse marked the right spot when I asked her to draw a target.  It's definitely closer to my hip than last time.  Hope it's ok.

I didn't sleep well.  It took a while to fall asleep even though I was completely exhausted and then I woke up every 1/2 hour until my alarm went off for trigger.  Sleep didn't come very easily after that, either.  My throat is still pretty raw and I was coughing a little.  Then I'd drift off only to wake up 5 minutes later.  My best sleep was from 2:15 to 5:00, after that I was awake until it was time to get up.  I didn't want to come in today because I feel that my body needs to rest but there are things that need to get done and with me having a new boss I thought it not wise to take another sick day when I'm already off next week.  I will be leaving early, though.

I had to call BJ's sister and give her the news flash of what we are doing and ask her if she can take the Little Guy tonight since we have to be up early tomorrow and he can't come with us.  She said she's feeling very positive for us and she wasn't the least bit upset that we didn't tell her sooner.  She has a friend that has suffered secondary IF for 10 years so she knows a little about how it feels.  However, she just told me that her friend, J, is pregnant with a little girl due in September...she's 46...and it was a natural conception.  She thought I knew but I didn't.  When I say she knows a little, I mean it.  The very next sentence out of her mouth was "J has been suffering for so long and doing hormone treatments for so many years and she just got rid of all her baby stuff and sold everything and gave up and that's when she ended up pregnant.  I told her that she just needed to stop thinking about it so much."  UGH!!!  And I told her straight up, "that's not ALL she needed to do...I've not thought about it for years and it never happened for us."  I think she realized she said the wrong thing but it's all good.

The worry is setting is.  The harder I try to be positive and hopeful the more I start to worry.  What if it's my cyst that is giving off all that great E2 now?  What if I only have 2 or 3 mature eggs?  What if they don't fertilize?  What if they don't make it to day 3 let alone all the way to day 5?  What if the trigger target was in the wrong place and messed everything up?  What if my cold/allergies make me cough too much and won't let anything implant?  What if it implants but I lose it?  All this and more is running through my head.  There is so much riding on this.  The weight that is on my shoulders right now is almost unbearable.  What if I have come this far only to fail again?  That thought scares the shit out of me.  I want to believe, I want to have faith and I want this to work more than anything.  I'm afraid to hope for such wonderful things.  This cycle has been a relative breeze and I have responded so well....when will it all go bad?  It always goes bad for us.  I don't know how to see passed the pain.  I'm afraid to hope for too much, afraid to ask God for too much.  I keep getting giddy and saying things to myself like, "I'm going to be PUPO next week!"  And then I stop and say, "well, hopefully".  I tell myself that we are going to have a baby in January.  And then I turn right around and say to myself, "maybe...if anything fertilizes."  I'm a mess.

I probably won't be able to update until I get the fertilization report on Sunday.  Tomorrow will be busy and I don't handle anesthesia very well so I most likely will not be up to posting.  Thank you all so very much for being out there and rooting for us and praying for us...and listening to my crazy thoughts.  You are definitely my support system.