The Details

Thursday Morning:
I had planned on taking the Little Guy straight to school in the morning and then heading up to my appointment.  School was delayed 2 hours due to some slick road conditions so we went to breakfast at McD's and then I dropped him at daycare.

It felt like it took forever to get to the medical building.  I had a hard time finding a place to park.  I parked and went inside and checked the board for the correct suite number.  It has been almost 2 years since I had been there so I needed a refresher.  They weren't on the board..cue panic attack.  I called them and found out that they moved over a year ago into another building on the campus.  Whew!  Glad I was 20 minutes early.  I found my way to the office, filled out updated paperwork and waited.  The doctor came out to get me at 10:15.  Not bad.

He said how happy he was that I was back.  He feels sure that he can get me more eggs.  I told him that I was interested in the shared risk program but thought that some testing was probably necessary.  He said that I was borderline in his eyes with my low response.  He said my 2 previous embryos looked beautiful.  He wants to try a super producer protocol with me.  As he's going over the details he also says that they have a program called shared help that I might be interested in.  He wants to do the usual 21 days of bcp and then a micro-dose lupron and the max gonal-f dosage with some menopur.  He's feeling hopeful that he can get 8-10 eggs from me.  I ask him if he's sure that he wants to supress me at all and he says "yes"...that supressing me and then doing the lupron should have things turn out very well.  He even draws pictures for me.  Then it's off to the financial advisor.  That's when it gets bad...for me at least.

He went in before me and then showed me in.  It's the same lady I dealt with last time.  She starts telling me about my Parent Steps discount program and I said, "oh, I wanted to do the shared risk program."  She says, "doctor M says you aren't eligible for that, only single cycle treatment."  I don't even know why I stayed at that point.  She went over some things with me...my pre-screeing requirements...payment methods...asking me to get my authorization number.  I was numb.  I was hearing her speak but I was not listening to her.  My head was in a fog.  I couldn't believe that I was turned down without any tests being run first.  I felt my heart sink and my hope went with it.  She then said I needed to sit with Crystal, Dr. M's nurse to go over more details.

I sat in a room and waited for the nurse.  Still foggy, still confused.  She came in and was very nice.  I listened to her go over my pre-screening requirements and I listened when she went over my protocol, she said to visit the website if I needed a refresher on administering shots to myself...she was very thourough.  I played along...for some reason that I have yet to figure out.  I guess I didn't want to be the lady leaving the clinic empty handed, with no folder of info and no specimen cup for BJ's sample.  I checked out and paid my copay.

I headed to my car and the cold air outside matched the cold feeling in my heart.  Denied...falling on the wrong side of the statistics again.  The doctor was so sure he could help yet he would only take me one cycle at a time?  Why?  My head was swimming with all sorts of questions that I couldn't verbalize at the time.  I started driving and I called BJ...hands free, of course.  I said, "you don't have to worry about saving money for anything now."  I stayed strong and didn't cry with him on the phone.  He said, "well we have to do something!"  I agreed, but at the time I was just so jumbled up I couldn't think straight.  I don't know how I managed to get to work safely.  Especially since I spent quite a few miles of roadway blinking back tears.  BJ said he had a bad feeling it would go that way.  I'm glad he didn't say that to me beforehand.  I told him that I was afraid of the same thing but I was holding onto hope that something would go our way.

We talked briefly that evening about doing a single cycle.  Possibly moving money around and making one last attempt.  I'm not sure I can go through with it.  We would be out another $8000 and there is no guarantee that it will work.  If I get a baby of course it's worth it, but if not...well...I don't know.  And if we fail, then we are another $8000 short of possible adoption money.  I'm not sure I have it in me to pin all my hopes on one cycle.  We did that and it was so hard on me, on us.  I don't know if I can go there again.  I had very high hopes of at least one of the 6 shared cycles working.  With only 1 cycle to work with, it seems impossible to have any hope at all.  We were already cancelled once when I only produced 2 follicles, then I only got 3 mature eggs with the next attempt...what happens if I respond poorly again?  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Things are up in the air right now.  BJ said that we are still using our tax money for the pool.  I think that is a great idea.  A pool WILL be enjoyed by our family.  We are 100% sure we will get a pool.  Money well spent.  A shot in the dark with another IVF that might not work, that might not yeild a child....might not be the best spent money.  I can't even believe I feel that way, but I do.  I'm bitter and I'm angry and I'm sad.  I want the family I have now to be happy.  I already blew $13000 in fertility treatments.  Money that could have been put toward our house in 2009.  I feel guilty about it.  The thought of spending the money with no guarantee of getting it back if we fail...scares me.

If I could just find a way to let go of my desires for a child of my own we'd be set.  Thank you all for your comments on my last post.  It's nice to get "hugs" from you all.  I don't know what our plan is now but I have a feeling it will become clear in the next few weeks.  I can't hang in limbo for much longer.