A Surreal Moment

First, a little back story.

My husband is a big tough guy.  He doesn't take any crap from anyone.  He's not afraid to speak his mind.  He has a high pain tolerance.  He rarely admits being in pain.  The past couple of years he's had some issues with heartburn and acid reflux.  He went to see his doctor and was put on a medicine that didn't do much for him.  He graduated to a stronger medicine.  He was advised to see a GI specialist.  He went to the specialist and was given orders for blood work, x-rays and an endoscopy.  He didn't do any of it.  He took the medicine and went on his merry way.  Fast forward almost a year.  He started having side pains.  The pains would start in his side and sort of radiate around toward his back.  He went to get checked.  The doctor wanted to do x-rays.  He actually got them done...along with more heartburn medicine.  The x-rays were clear.  He let it go.  We are now in the present.  The side pains and continuous heartburn have finally worn him down enough to really get checked out.  He went back to the specialist and was again ordered an endoscopy and an x-ray with contrast.

BJ went in for his endoscopy yesterday.  He was a nervous wreck.  He was quiet and subdued.  I tried to lighten the mood but he wasn't really interested.  We were told that it would be about a 15 minute procedure and then whatever time it took him to wake up.  He was called back at 9:20ish.  I sat there until 11:00 waiting for him to be finished.  I think I held my own pretty well.  I figured they were running behind or something and that I shouldn't panic and demand that someone tell me what's going on.  When I was told I could go back I jumped out of my seat at lightning speed and hurried through the door.  BJ had a hernia operation before I knew him.  He was put under and woke up feeling fine.  He asked for coffee and was ready to go home shortly after.  I was expecting something similar yesterday.  That was not the case.

When I walked around the corner I was not prepared for what I saw.  I saw my husband laying in a hospital bed.  He was asleep but in a very relaxed way.  He had oxygen tubes up his nose.  He was hooked up to a heart monitor that was beeping away.  He had a blood pressure cuff on his arm.  He had a pulse/ox on his finger.  I've never seen him this way before.  It scared me.  I knew that he was fine, but the thought of him not being fine one day and possibly really being in the hospital looking like that scared the heebie jeebies out of me.  I took a deep breath and walked over to him.  I touched his arm and he opened his very bloodshot eyes.  He reached for me with his left arm and wrapped it around me as best he could.  He took my hand and kissed my fingers.  I let out the breath that I had been holding.

He had a really rough time waking up and we didn't get out of there until about 12:30.  He threw up from the anesthesia and just felt really bad.  The anesthesiologist came by and said that she had given him more than the average dose because he kept asking her to knock him out because he was so nervous.  He doesn't remember any of that.  He was obviously already out of it enough but she didn't know because he kept on chatting away.  Poor thing.  He came home and went straight to bed for 2 hours.  He's ok now aside from the sore throat.  He has been scheduled for a colonoscopy on 1/31.  He's really not looking forward to that and I'll be surprised if he keeps the appointment.  The nurse assured him that the drugs are much different and he will not have such a hard time waking up.  I hope she's right.

I felt really helpless when I saw him like that.  I knew there was nothing I could do and I was afraid of trying to do too much.  I was just there with him because that's what I'm good at.  It was such a surreal moment to say the least.  I've seen other people and family members like that but never the man I love, the man that I depend on to take care of me (and I know that sounds cheesy, but I think you know what I mean), the man that is Mr. Tough Guy.  He was so vulnerable and helpless.  I didn't like it...not one bit.  I hope the 31st goes better than yesterday.  If it doesn't, at least I know what to expect now.  I won't expect him to be sitting up, wide awake and asking for a cup of coffee.  :-)

The other surreal moment was when the nurse told us that he has Esophagitis.  His esophagus is inflamed and irritated and has some sores that could lead to ulcers.  He had quite a few biopsies taken to find out if the sores are bacterial or cancerous.  We won't know for 3 full weeks.  I could kick him in his shin for not getting this test done way back when he first started having issues.  But he's a man after all.  Men don't have the best track record for going to the doctor and getting tests done.  Now I have to sit here for the next 3 weeks wondering if my husband has cancer.  Very surreal.  I'm going to try not to stress about it until I know for sure.  There's no point in worrying myself sick, right?  If you can send some prayers/positive thoughts our way that would be a wonderful gift.  His x-ray with contrast is next week...Tuesday I think.

In other news...the clinic called to reschedule my appointment.  I will now meet with my RE one day later, on February 10.  I have much to post about this and about the positive feedback I have received since announcing our plan.  It will have to wait as I am now out of blog time at work.  :-)