Wow! I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks
pregnant. I’m in the third trimester and
things have just flown by. I’ll start by
giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get
in to.
I’ve had 2 OB appointments
since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind. You will be happy to know that at the first appointment
since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt. At that appointment (and my appointment this
week) I was measuring exactly where I should be! Yay! I
will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring
small but people kept telling me how little my belly was. I actually still have people surprised at how
far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my
belly has grown and how big it is. So I’m
not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small”
comments as compliments.
I’ve gained 20 pounds so
far. Yikes! That’s a lot on my small frame. I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any
wider but low and behold it has happened.
My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too. I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood
pressure is good. Everything is going
along very smoothly. I hope it keeps
going that way.
I am now on an every 2 week
appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.
I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor
early. She said that if it’s before 36
weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable
hospital. If it’s after 36 weeks I will just
deliver at our hospital. I still need to
talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early. I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth
and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40
miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to
calm my nerves. It’s bad enough that if
labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road
somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get
to me. The less I have to worry about
the better off I’ll be. Not to mention
the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.
Now for the not so fun
stuff. I’m scared. I’ve
done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no
holding back. We’re so close to having
this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst. I pretty much stay away from message boards
because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a
stillbirth and I just can’t go there. I
can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself
and my baby. I find it so hard to believe
that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going
to happen to end it all. When I wake up in
the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back
in bed. I smile to myself and am
relieved that she’s still there and alive.
It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning. I need to feel her move to know that it’s
real and that there is a live baby in there.
But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things
could still go very wrong. I’m trying to
not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there
are so many good things. However, the
fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes. I talk to her all the time and tell her
things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable
I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that
I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well. I tell her how much her daddy loves her and
how he can’t wait to hold her. Although,
he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too. He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my
belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and
tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her. My heart melts on a nightly basis. Before I get out of bed in the morning, when
I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out
and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.
These moments are cherished but also bring on fear. What if something happens to this precious
little girl that we both love so much?
How would we survive? I know we
would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into? I shudder at the thought. This is why I try not to think about it. I have a nursery that is 95% complete with
clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more
clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it. When I’m in there and I’m looking at her
clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind. I had a rough road to get to this point and I
guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and
disappointment. I didn’t just get
pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even
when I, myself, thought I had let it die.
I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out
there in order to get pregnant. And now
here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.
It’s so surreal that we have come this far. I have no reason to believe anything bad will
happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end
of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a
living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell
her and cherish her for the rest of my life.
I think that is what any mother wants.
I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me. This little girl is the light of our lives
and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her
now. I hate that I feel sad sometimes
and that I worry and that I’m scared. I
don’t want to feel those things at all.
I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and
just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy. Like I said, for the most part I am doing that. I love being pregnant and I love feeling her
move and wiggle and kick. I have my
complaints, don’t get me wrong. All in
all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about. I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another
day (not that I have many). What I gather
from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at
least I hope they are. And it’s not like
I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.
I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby. I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking. I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at
myself in the mirror. I love that people
are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.
It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give
birth. I just hope that we get our happy
story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.
