I know, I know. I keep saying that I’m coming back on a
regular basis because I have so much to say and then I disappear for months
again. I’ve been doing some thinking and
I have come to realize why I haven’t been back here.
It’s just too hard.
It’s too hard to revisit the
pain, depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, uncertainness, fear and
exhaustion. Every time I start to write
a post I stop. I get overwhelmed with
emotions. The ones I just listed and
others as well. See, there’s this thing
called Survivor’s Guilt and I have a hefty amount of it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Those are the reasons it’s so hard to come
here.
The problem is that I need to come here. I need to tell my story. Ever since I started telling my story I’ve
found this space to be my safe haven. I
can share my craziest of crazies and my saddest of saddest and yes, my happiest
moments too. I want to come back here. I
need the outlet and I need your guidance and your support and your advice.
I’m sure I’ve lost most of my
readers and that is to be expected. With
my absences why would anyone stick around?
If there is anyone left out there that can help me navigate my feelings
of parenting after infertility I would welcome them with open arms. And as any of my regular readers know, I’m a
step-mother, too. Oh my goodness, the
trials and tribulations of helping to raise a 13-year-old boy are numerous to
say the least. I need help. I need to voice my concerns and my feelings
and have people give me another point of view.
I like it when people give me another way of looking at a situation
because sometimes I can be so caught up in it that I can’t see straight.
I think I will start in the
here and now and fill in the blanks as I go.
I don’t need to post novels, I just need to post. I have to work through my feelings and this
is the best way I can think of to do it.
I don’t want to see a professional so I do what so many other people
do: I post my inner most feelings and
thoughts on the internet and let readers have at it. LOL
I hope there are still a few
people out there but if not, that’s ok too.
I need to do this for me and my well-being more than anything else. And this time, I mean it.
5 comments:
Type away my friend...still reading =)
I find that's the beauty of having a reader set up. I hardly notice when someone hadn't posted in a while. When a post comes through I'm excited to read! Try microblog Mondays courtesy of Stirrup Queens. It's the only thing keeping me posting as I transition too.
Post away. Those who find it too difficult to read will (absolutely rightfully) do what they need to do to protect themselves from the pain, which may very understandably include not reading. The rest of us would still like to hear from you when you have the opportunity to post. :-)
I'm here. And I always will be. Always. (This is Esperanza, btw. I am writing under a new name these days.)
I've been reading for a long time and still check in to see if you've posted anything new! So basically, still here:)
Post a Comment