Just before Baby Girl was 3 months old we had a “moment” together. I will never forget the feelings that washed
over me at that time. I’ve experienced
many moments since then but as this was the first, I want to share it with all
of you.
Baby Girl was snug in her swaddle and sleeping in the bassinet next to
our bed. She had been asleep for well
over an hour. BJ and I had just settled
ourselves in bed. She started grunting
and making cute little baby noises. I
could hear her lifting her legs and then lowering them. She would fuss a little and then stop. I was afraid to raise up to see if she was
actually awake because I didn’t want her to see me peering at her. I was tired and ready for bed. BJ and I were whispering to each other:
Him – do you think she’s awake?
Me – I don’t know, she’s not really crying so it’s hard to tell.
Him – do you think she’s hungry?
(that was his answer for EVERYTHING because of my low supply issues).
Me – No, she ate really well at bedtime.
If she’s awake maybe she’ll settle herself and drift back to sleep.
At that point she started fussing more and then she broke out into a
real cry. I am not (nor was I ever) a
person that can let a baby cry so I got up in the dark and scooped her up out
of her bassinet. As soon as I held her
close to me she stopped crying and fell right to sleep. BJ said the magical words that washed over me
like a giant emotional tidal wave…”she just wanted her mommy.”
It hit me and I think I actually stopped breathing for a few
seconds. I am a mommy and not just any mommy, HER mommy. I cried as I held my sleeping baby,
listening to her rhythmical breaths. I
became more than just a caretaker of an infant.
More than just a milk machine and diaper changer. I was made aware of the fact that I actually
comforted my child and made her feel safe enough to just fall asleep in my
arms. It was pure magic. I was transformed into a Mommy that night.
Up until that point there were what felt like 100 other instances that I
was floundering around trying to figure out how to comfort her and to ease the
crying and the fussiness. There were
plenty of other nights before this (and after this) when I held her but she
kept crying and the only thing to ease her tears was for her to be nursed back
to sleep. But this night was
different. This night she just wanted to
be close to her mommy…and I was right there because I am her mommy.
