Inconceivable!

The Big Day

2012-01-30T13:11:00.000-05:00

The big day is not my wedding day or anything like that...it’s the day I will sit down with my doctor and discuss using donor eggs to expand our family. It’s either going to be a very GOOD big day or a very BAD big day. I’m so nervous. I don’t have a good feeling. The last time I sat down with him he told me that I was not eligible for the shared risk IVF. He knew then that I had bad eggs but didn’t tell me. I was too great a risk for them to take. So I sucked it up and took one last shot at IVF. I knew it would work and it did. It just didn’t last. I’m so rattled right now and I think that it’s because there is so much riding on this.

I would think that I’m the perfect candidate for donor eggs and that there should be no reason for them to deny us the shared risk program. He has always told me how great and beautiful my uterus is. He has never mentioned any strange blood disorders or immune issues...but maybe they never tested for them. I just have a feeling that I’m going to be disappointed after tomorrow’s appointment.

I don’t even know what the appointment will entail. I’m hoping to get hooked up with a donor coordinator tomorrow and get a password and start looking. I know there’s going to be lots of papers to fill out and legal jargon to sift through. I hope that we can start the process right away. BJ is so wonderful, he took the day off in case we need to sit there for a while. He said he’d rather do that than keep watching the clock and getting impatient knowing that he has things to do. I hope we are sitting there for a while. I want to start getting everything in order. I imagine there will be blood work and probably another SA (he’ll be thrilled). I plan on putting in the paperwork for my 401k loan as soon as we get the all clear from the financial lady that we can do the shared risk program. Hopefully we are allowed to enter that program.

I can’t tell you ladies how much it means to me to have you rooting for us and cheering us on and supporting us. I need ALL of it right now. I feel like I could throw up with anticipation. In less than 24 hours I will know what path we are on....heading toward another shot (or 6) or hitting a steel barrier.

In other news....I will not be one of those lucky ladies to post on here about a surprise BFP just as we make the decision for DE. Yesterday was CD1. Meaning that tomorrow would be a really good time for some blood work and for starting BCP’s in preparation. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

We painted the office Saturday. This reminds me that I have totally abandoned posting pictures of our house and the few changes we have made since we moved in. I’ll have to get back to that. As we were painting and doubting our ability and criticizing every little mistake we made, I told BJ that hopefully it was a practice run in case we get to paint a nursery. It seems crazy to think that it might happen...but it might, right? *sigh*

I’m just a worrier at heart, I guess. I was so pumped up the last time I went in there for an appointment and I guess I don’t want to do that to myself again. I probably will not update until Wednesday because if by chance I come to work I will be arriving late and playing catch up all day and if I don’t come in then I will be hanging with BJ for the day.

It’s go time.

Research

2012-01-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

I am spending way too much time on the internet scouring blogs and forums looking for information on donor egg cycles. Thanks to my friend Pie I now know that I will be taking regular Lupron and not Depot Lupron. I also did more reading on that and it seems that is the norm. I’m not sure why I’ve read that a woman is taking DL prepping for a transfer when it seems most people just take regular Lupron. That’s a good thing because regular Lupron is covered by my insurance. Score 1 for me.

I’ve found out that the length of time from when a donor is chosen to when she has her ER can be anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks...yikes. I know it takes time to synch cycles and what not but geez, it’s still all about the waiting game isn’t it? Plus, we are sharing our donor so it might even be a longer wait.

I’ve learned that BJ and I will probably have to have psych exams to make sure we are ready for this and that we understand what this means. Like I’ve said before, I think I’m mentally ready for this. I don’t long for a biological attachment as much as I long to be pregnant and nurture a growing baby with my body. I know that there won’t be any less love in our house. My only concern comes from telling the child. Doing it gently at a young age sounds good but what happens when my fear takes over? The fear that the child will want to know its “real” mother eventually. I’m sure these are some of the things that the donor counselor will explore with us.

I read a post about a woman that has “unusual” hair (whatever that means). She said she shares that hair with her father or grandfather or something like that. She had twins via donor egg and she said that one of her children has begun to show signs of this “unusual” hair. It is believed that it is a blood-borne issue. How cool is that? To know that there might actually be some genetic link after all is amazing to me.

I keep trying to think up questions to ask the Almighty Goo.gle because I can’t get all of this out of my head. I get butterflies thinking about the possibilities. I want to talk about it all the time but that is not possible...so I come here to write and I bring it up with BJ every once in a while. He brings it up with me, too. We have a lot short conversations that begin with “if you/we have a baby....”. It’s fun. It’s scary. It’s like I’ve been thrust backward to the very first days of TTC. In those days, I was checking out nurseries and baby products and stuff like that online. Today, I’m looking for information on donor egg cycles. It’s not the same but it feels very similar inside. I want to submerge myself in all things baby/donor egg. I’m glad our appointment is next week(!!!) so we can (hopefully) begin the process of bringing home a baby. Just the thought of that makes my heart skip a beat.

The Road Ahead

2012-01-25T16:09:00.000-05:00

I’m on CD25 right now. My last cycle was 25 days, a little short for me but not too strange. I continuously have 25-27 day cycles and a 15-16 day luteal phase. According to my FF chart and my ovulation pain, I’m 13DPO today. Most likely, AF will be here Saturday or Sunday. Our appointment is Tuesday. That would probably be CD 3 or 4. How cool would it be if I could get on suppression drugs right now and jump right in instead of having to wait? We don’t have to give them any money until we reserve a donor and pulling a check from my 401k only takes a few days...I could have it ready and waiting. I know it will probably not work like that but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

My lovely bloggy buddy, Mo, over at Mommy Odyssey shared a link with me today to another blog that brought tears to my eyes. It doesn’t take much these days since I’m hormonal due to the impending arrival of AF, but still, it was very moving. If you or anyone you know is struggling with how to share the news of donor egg conception with their child, this is a great way.

http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/06/mommys-garden/

I’m hoping right along with all of you that this really will work for us. There are still so many variables that are unknown. Look how long it took us to find out that my eggs are crap. I feel pretty confident that this road will lead to a child but I’m trying not to count my chickens before they are hatched. Ha ha, pun intended...even though that’s pretty corny.

I’ve been thinking about what (if anything) to tell our families. Well, really just BJ’s family. I might have to bring my dad into this because we may need to borrow a tiny bit of the fee from him. I also just want to be up front with him about what we are going through. I will admit that I’m a little scared at his and my step-mom’s reaction. They don’t fully understand the science of donor conception (or IVF for that matter) and I hope they won’t have an issue with a child not being biologically related to them. I think they are pretty open minded and they definitely understand my desires so hopefully it will go over well. As far as BJ’s family goes, I’m thinking that we will only tell them that we did IVF again (if it works). I don’t think it will be a big deal but I don’t want anyone from his sister’s husband’s family to know. I would like to keep some things private and I think that’s ok. Plus, the child will be biologically related to BJ so it will still be a link in that family chain. My SIL is very sweet but she can be very insensitive (unknowingly) sometimes when it has come to my infertility. The last thing I want is for her to cringe at the idea of “another woman’s baby” being inside me or making some remark to that effect, you know? Not that she would, but you just never know. I have no idea what to tell the LG. I mean, he’s almost 11 so they will be learning all about eggs and sperm in school either this year or next year. And again, the child will be biologically related to him so it should be fine, right? I feel that he has a right to know as much as the child does...right?

As for the 3 non-family people (my old boss and 2 co-workers) that know of our loss from before I think I will tell them that we did IVF again, too. No harm in that.

I registered on a DE forum so that I could post some of my questions but then I chickened out and decided not to post anything. I need to make a list of questions to ask Dr. M next week because I know my mind will go blank when we get in there. One major question I have is about the medications I will be taking. Is the Lupron the same as in an IVF cycle? I know the dosage would be different and it wouldn’t be mixed with stimulants but I need to know if my insurance will cover it. They covered the Lupron for my IVFs so I’m hoping it’s the same medication...although I’ve hear people call it depot Lupron so I’m worried that it’s not the same. Do any of you know?

The road ahead is full of questions and unknowns, isn’t it? This process will be a whole new education for us, that is for sure. My husband actually asked me the craziest question the other night, and no, I’m not making this up...we were talking about his swimmers mixing with another woman’s eggs and I told him that he was cheating on me. Just joking around of course. And then he says, “That doesn’t happen internally, does it?” Oh my. I had to chuckle at that. I then explained that it happens in a dish, just like it did with our IVFs and that no, they do not put his sperm in another woman and then take out the fertilized egg. He trips me out sometimes. Hopefully you got a kick out of that, too.

Less than a week, people!!!

A Whirling Head

2012-01-24T11:25:00.000-05:00

I first need to thank all of you for your supportive and uplifting comments on my last post. I haven’t heard from some of you in quite a while and it’s good to know you are still out there! :-) Now maybe you will update your own blogs...hint, hint. Just kidding. And I know that Blogger was/is being a pain with commenting as I have had my own issues so thank you to those that sent me e-mails, too!

If I thought deciding to do fertility treatments like IUI and IVF were a roller coaster ride, I had no idea what I was in for when we made the decision to try this donor egg procedure. Oh.my.gosh. I go from being totally excited and thinking about all the possibilities of getting pregnant again and turning my scrapping room into a nursery and all the other great thoughts that come along with TTC in general, to completely turning against myself and convincing myself that 1) they won’t let us do the shared risk plan and 2) it won’t work anyway so why are we even bothering to do this?

I’m a mess. I found a message board about donor egg and was very surprised at some of the stories of these women. I know that there is no “magic ticket” out there but I felt pretty confident that de must be the way to go and that after 6 fresh (and however many FET’s) cycles that we’d surely bring a baby home. That is not always the case and I was smacked with that reality when I found that message board. There are some women that have done 4 fresh cycles and still do not have a baby. I don’t want to be one of those women. It’s so scary to think that it might not work. And then I think that if God really wanted me to have a baby that he would have given me one by now. Then my thoughts turn to things like thinking that God just wants to see how truly determined I am and then he will bless us with a de baby. Like I said above, I’m a mess.

I feel ok inside with doing this and I think that is half the battle. I don’t think I will love a de baby any less. The LG is not mine through biology but I love him and treat him as though he were mine. I do worry about how the child will feel and if it will matter. Of course I would tell the child, I’m just not sure how to go about that. I know that if this works I have quite a few years before I have to worry about it, but it should be something to think about now, too.

BJ and I have started talking more and more about “if we have one”, “if this works” and things like that. We have not been as careful as we should and I have tried to catch myself around the LG and I’ve made attempts to get BJ to be a little more aware. He’s a smart kid and I think he would catch on to something. Not necessarily what we are doing but that we are planning/hoping for a baby in the not too distant future.

I went into bedbathandbeyond last week and boy have they changed that store since the last time I was in there. They have a HUGE baby section now and it’s not avoidable like most other stores’ baby sections. When I saw it I was sad because I know that we should have a baby now and I should have been shopping for more baby gear but at the same time I was also filled with hope. The sadness was more of a longing and not so much of a kick to the stomach if that makes any sense. I miss my lost baby every day. I read a post by someone (I’m sorry that I can’t remember who) that said that she missed her lost babies, too, but that if they had not been lost she would not have the beautiful children she has now. That is exactly how I feel. I have so much hope for the future (and I hope I’m not crushed this time) that might be out there for us and the baby that is (hopefully) yet to come. It’s hard to explain, really. I hope I’m making sense and if not then you know how I feel...unable to make heads or tails out of all of this sometimes.

Our appointment is 7 days away...wow. I think that having this much time in between making the appointment and actually going to the appointment has given me way too much time to over think and over analyze and over worry and, yes, over hope. It’s not easy waiting for such a monumental event. Yes, I realize it’s just the start, but it’s a START. After all this time of thinking I was at a dead end, I can sort of see the clearing in the path ahead. I’m hoping that I have the tools to make it through. If I don’t have the tools I’m hoping that God will help me find the strength and another set of tools to make it through. There’s so much riding on this. I’m not sure I can hit that dead end again and start all over with my grieving process. It almost seems like too much to bear (bare?).

So for now we are going to stay positive and try to keep a level head and try not to talk myself down...this is going to be good. We are going to succeed and I’m going to be a mom. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I hope I’m not setting myself up for a bigger fall. Hang on everyone, this ride is just beginning.

The New Plan

2012-01-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

My wheels began to turn the minute BJ said he wanted to move forward with DE. The main thing stopping us has been money. We were going to get a pool this year (it’s been on hold for 2 years) for the family to enjoy. It was a guaranteed expense with a guaranteed outcome and years of enjoyment. The whole reason we needed a house with a big back yard was for the pool. The LG wants one like no tomorrow. He talks about it often, as do the rest of us. So when BJ said that we would scrap the pool it was a very big deal in our house. Of course the LG is not yet aware that he will not be getting a pool. On the off chance that we do not get a baby out of this, we get our money back and will put it towards a pool.

The decision was made to move forward with the shared risk program at our clinic. We pay a fee and we get 6 fresh and any frozen cycles until we take home a baby. If we do not take a baby home (not even going there) then we get our money back. Now, to come up with a plan to get the money.

The majority of the money will come from my 401k. In order to be able to pay the loan back (because I only get 5 years to do so) I will have to stop contributing. Not the wisest financial move but like my husband said, a baby is more important than my 401k right now. We will take a small amount from our savings account, a small amount from my credit union account (ok it will wipe that account out) and hopefully the rest will come from our tax refund. If it ends up not being enough then I will have to humble myself and ask my dad for any remaining funds that are needed.

I called the clinic the very next morning to tell them our plan. We can’t move forward until we have a meeting with Dr. M. That meeting will take place on January 31. I also put myself on the waiting list in case he has a cancellation. They gave me a temporary password to look through the data pool of potential donors. I found one I loved. I wrote her file number down so I could show BJ that evening. Wouldn’t you know she was already taken by the time I got home? Wow. And can I tell you how strange it was to be looking at these baby pictures and reading all of these traits about these women? More on that another time.

That is where we stand right now. I’m waiting, not so patiently, for the 31st. I’m also freaking out that they will find some way of telling us that we don’t qualify for the shared risk program. The ONLY way we can do this and the ONE stipulation that BJ gave was that we had to have a guarantee this time. I don’t blame him. I can’t throw more money away on hope anymore.

Christmas, New Year and Then Some

2012-01-12T14:25:00.000-05:00

From all of the blog posts I’ve been reading everyone had a pretty good Christmas and a great New Year. There were a few exceptions but I think most have bounced back in fine fashion.

I had a good Christmas. It could have been better had I still been pregnant but I made lemonade out of my lemons. I didn’t let my heartache get to me too much. I stayed dry eyed most of the time. The Little Guy came over around 1:30 and we had our celebration. He is one spoiled child. I am one spoiled wife, too. BJ got me a great new camera...with a real lens and a tripod and he even thought of getting an extra battery. I *heart* him greatly. He’s pretty spoiled himself, though. He got new tools and a big tool box for the garage. We had a lovely dinner and it was a great day.

Once Christmas was over I was ready to put the house back together. I used to be a person that would leave the decorations up until January 1. Not anymore. If I had the energy it would have all come down the day after Christmas. As it was, I let it stay up until that Thursday. The outside stuff came down on New Year’s Eve...it was 60* so it was perfect for taking everything down and trimming the rose bushes back. It was unbelievably warm outside and we did all of this in t-shirts.

New Year’s was a little bit of a drag because I kept thinking of how big my belly should be and how going out should not have even been a thought. But we went out and had a quiet evening at the Lodge and made it home in time to see the ball drop.

While I was off I managed to get quite a bit done in my scrapping room. It was a disaster. I cleaned everything up and organized and now it’s beautiful in there. I just need some shelves for the closet. I also got quite a bit of scrapping done over break. I think I can put all of my pages into an album now. It’s amazing what I can get done when the boys are playing video games and I’m caught up with most of the cleaning because I’m at home and not at work.

Going back to work sucked. Sitting in traffic and getting home late is such a drag. I’m thankful that I can take a bus and try to chill or catch a quick a nap but at the same time I wish I were in control of how fast I drive and which way I go and who to pass, you know? It’s sort of nice to be back in a routine but I’d rather be home keeping up on the cleaning and shopping and cooking good meals for my boys. Oh well, it is what it is, right?

It’s a new year and apparently my husband has been thinking about our situation a lot. So much so that he totally surprised me at dinner on January 3. The Little Guy was at his mother’s and we were just finishing up our meal when he says to me, “I think we should forget about the pool and work on getting you pregnant.” I.was.stunned. He went on to say how he’s not getting any younger and his time is just about up as far as having a baby and how a baby is much more important than a pool anyway and that we need to go for the DE program with 6 tries and a money back guarantee. I couldn’t speak. I sat there and just stared at him. He finally started laughing and said, “well? Yes?” I just said, “ok” and got up and hugged him and thanked him and told him how sorry I was that we keep having to sacrifice so much money because I just can’t get pregnant and how this conversation and plan is coming at the right time because my due date was January 7. I squeezed him so tight and then the tears came. It was such an amazing feeling. I have lots more to write about this because nothing is ever that easy and we are slowly putting a plan together that we hope will lead us to a take home baby. I just wanted to get this out there because I’m about to burst if I don’t tell someone.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your encouraging words and your hugs and your support. You have been there for me in ways I can't even put into words. The comments, the support, the advice...I'm so grateful for all of it. I am happy to say good-bye to 2011 because even though it brought me my first BFP ever, it also brought me great heartache with my loss. I learned that I could fall instantly in love with 2 lines and then be devastated by a low beta number. It seems that everywhere I turned babies dominated. Whether it was TV commercials, movies, a lot of the Fall TV schedule....even Chuck. Not sure if any of you watch that show but the main woman just had a pregnancy scare. I just couldn’t believe how much some of this hurt. I think BJ picked up on my pain and that is what made him bring up DE with me. I think he would see me look away from the TV or leave the room or maybe it was all the negative, bitter comments I would make.  I don’t know where this road will take us because things are just beginning. I just know that I have a renewed hope that scares the bejezus out of me. I have much more to write but I will stop for now. I am looking forward to sharing this new chapter with all of you and maybe finding some new blogs to follow that will help me sort out everything I’m feeling as we head down this new road. Love to you all and I hope that 2012 brings all of us much happiness and good health and healing.

Just Hangin' Around

2011-12-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

I’m still here. I’ve been absent for quite a while and I fear that I have some rust to remove from my writing hands. I’ve been reading all of your blogs and following along with your struggles, your pregnancies and watching your children grow and change. I just haven’t been a good commenter. I feel that I usually don’t have much insight to add. Especially when it comes to sleep schedules, new foods to feed babies, cloth diapering or how to stay healthy during pregnancy. It’s true...most of the blogs I read have moved to the other side. There is a few that still struggle with IF but that is the minority of the blogs I have in my Reader. Anywho...

I’ve gotten a couple of comments recently asking me how I’m doing and if things get better and how I’m dealing with everything. Here is what I can tell you:

• Life goes on. As much as we don’t want it to, it does. And it seems to move at lightning speed sometimes. Then at other times it slows to a pace that rivals a snail crawling across the sidewalk.

• It still hurts. Every day I hurt. I have to put it aside and keep it to myself, but it’s still there. This time of year can be especially painful. I had to endure my SIL’s Christmas party where there were about 5 toddlers, a 1-year-old, a newborn and a pregnant woman. There’s a story about the pregnant woman but it can wait. I came home and cried...in my bathroom...alone. I held the beautiful necklace that my bloggy buddy Esperanza sent to me right after my loss. It’s the first time since the day I received it that I held it in my hand and spoke to it like I was speaking to my lost child. It sits on my bathroom counter and I have touched it a few times but this is the first time that I held it and cried.

• I still have h-o-p-e. I don’t know why and I don’t know where it comes from. It sneaks in at really bad times and plays with my emotions like nothing I’ve ever known. It sucks, but I still have hope. Even though I know I have crap eggs and nothing will change about that. Even though I do not (nor will I ever) have the money for donor eggs. Even with a mental understanding that God never intended for me to have a child, I have hope.

• I’m ok. I’m not good or great or enthusiastic ...but I’m ok. As ok as I can be. Well, I guess I could work harder at it but I’m lazy and I’m not ready to try that hard.

This Christmas is proving to be a really tough one for me. I’m a step mother and that is a good thing. I get to have a child in my life and to experience holidays and such in a “family” way. I’m a hockey fan and I have turned my step son (and my husband) into fans, too. It’s sort of our “thing”. The Little Guy and I go to games and to the Convention and I buy him hockey gear and trinkets and things like that. His mother is a huge NASCAR fan. We like racing but not as much as she does. It’s sort of “their” thing. All of a sudden, she is invading my private space. She bought the Little Guy a new jersey, hockey tickets and a night in a hotel after the game. She also bought herself a matching jersey. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like that the LG and I share this so she wants to let me know who’s boss...so to speak. BJ is not happy about it but what can he say? We can’t tell her she’s not allowed to buy those things. But seriously? Why is she taking this away from me? It’s not like I don’t know where I stand in his life. I know who Top Dog is and it’s not me. It just sucks. I don’t have much with him that is just “ours” and now I really don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t care. If it’s selfish then call me Queen Selfish. Not to mention that on Christmas day I should be 38 weeks pregnant and about to welcome my own little miracle to the world. That, too, was taken from me. Sometimes I really wonder how the Universe works and why it seems to work against me in these ways.

I have much to be thankful for and trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. I have a family, I have my health, and I have a job and a house and car. I’m able to buy things for others for Christmas and also to help out a few charitable causes. I’m grateful to be able to do those things. It gives me a happy feeling inside. Again, I’m being selfish, but I want to be able to do the one thing I can’t.

I have much more to update but for now I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wanted to let anyone that might be suffering that a) you are not alone and b) it gets better...it doesn’t go away, but it gets better.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very blessed New Year! There are many of you that will have your babies in your arms for the first time this Christmas...Joy to the World!! And there are others that will spend this Christmas with a big belly...Halleluiah!! I wish you all nothing but goodness and good cheer. I can’t wait to see more pictures with Santa and first Christmas pictures. Love to you all!

Where's the Light?

2011-09-28T12:10:00.000-04:00

Where’s the light at the end of the tunnel? It’s a very common saying when someone is going through a rough time. It’s also used as flippantly as when someone is exercising and they can’t wait to stop. I’m still looking for my light. The “light” symbolizes that a bad/uncomfortable situation is about to get better...that you are almost through it. I see no signs of that light.

I feel like I’m actually going backwards in my healing process. Pregnant bellies make my eyes well up with tears like never before. It affects me so profoundly sometimes that I forget, just for a second or two, where I’m going or what I was in the middle of saying or thinking.

There are the normal, everyday reminders of IF that we all face...babies, children, families, pregnant bellies etc. And then there are the reminders that some us that have step-children face – the field trips we don’t get to go on because the “real” mom gets first choice and of course she wants to go, having to call the child your “step” child when in public...things like that. It really hurts sometimes. No, it hurts all the time.

I’ve figured out why I can’t stay motivated to eat less and work out more. I really want to lose some weight and some inches and just be more physically healthy. However, I can’t seem to stay on track for more than a week, if that. The answer hit me the other day. I’m angry at my body and even though I know we are supposed to be good to our bodies, I don’t want to be. I’m angry because my body has let me down. My body has not been good to ME (in the reproductive sense) so why should I be good to IT? I know it might sound strange, but that epiphany struck a chord with me. I’m a healthy adult. I have had blood work done and I’m very healthy. The only issue is my underactive thyroid, something I don’t have much control over without medication, which I take every day. I rarely drink, have never done drugs or smoked so over all I think I’ve been pretty good to my bodily health. I’m not over weight, at least I don’t think I am. I’m 5’2” and weigh about 132. I would like to lose about 10 pounds and a couple of inches to feel better about my image, though. I’ve lost my will power to say “no” to certain things. Back in late 2004, early 2005 I lost 35 pounds and I felt great. I’ve gained almost 25 of those pounds back, mostly over the last 2 years. Are we seeing a connection? I started fertility treatments in early 2009...hmmmm....seems to all add up doesn’t it?

I wish I knew how to get out of this funk. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, I feel lost in the tunnel. I lean up against the kitchen counter and look down at my non-pregnant belly and it’s like a slap in the face. I think to myself, “I should be 25 weeks pregnant and I should not be able to lean up against this counter like this”. It’s torture to say the least. I think that’s why the pregnant bellies bother me so much now...because I should be there. It’s not a longing like it was before I saw those 2 lines. It’s more of a feeling of loss now. I lost my chance to have that big belly when my body failed me by giving me bad eggs. My body failed me by letting my baby go. Why should I do anything nice for my body?

I know there is no answer for what I’m going through except to give myself more time. I just wish I knew when it would get better. The smallest things bring me to tears anymore. Things like the new show Up All Night. The first (or maybe second) episode had the mom coming home from work after the baby was in bed. At the end of the show the mom is talking to her daughter and promised her that if she weren’t there at bed time that she’d always be there when she woke up. It was a simple thing, but it made me cry. I’ll never have that sort of “conversation” with my child. I can’t read sappy new mom blog posts without my eyes welling up. I’m posting comments through tears because I want to feel as grateful as the new mom says she is. I want to feel the power of the mother/child bond like they write about. But it’s just not meant to be for me. I don’t know why and I’ve pretty much stopped asking. It doesn’t much matter why because I can’t change it. Not worrying about why doesn’t stop me from hurting or longing or being angry about it, though. It just adds to the darkness of this tunnel I’m living in. I’m actively searching for the light because I know it has to be there...somewhere...right?

Thank You!

2011-08-29T14:33:00.000-04:00

I don’t have much time so I’m going to make this quick. I just want to thank each and every one of you for your comforting comments and your (((hugs))). You all get it and that in itself means the world to me. And an extra Thank You to my buddy, Mo, who gave me a personal shout out the other day and sent even more love my way. You rock, lady!

I can’t say that I’m better, but I guess for right now I’m dealing with it better. It’s been an emotional week around here (my head) to say the least. I was dealing with my own personal crap and then an earthquake struck, a hurricane came through and someone at the office tried to burn the place down by burning up a tortilla in the office toaster oven. Earth, wind and fire....I can’t make this stuff up, people.

Again, thank you so very much. I am always amazed at the support and understanding that I receive from all of you. Although, I don’t know why...you have never failed me or judged me in any way, shape or form. I can always count on you for an understanding ear and for that I am truly grateful.

I’m going to be better about posting as I do have several things I want to get in to with you and of course I need to continue on with my family saga. We are leaving for Myrtle Beach on Wednesday and I can’t wait. I need to get out of here in the worst way. I’m getting my hair cut and my toes done tomorrow in preparation and then packing and getting everything ready so we can head out Wednesday afternoon.

Hugs and love to you all and I’ll talk at’cha later! My grandmother used to say that, “talk at’cha later”...gotta love it.

It's Been a Long Time

2011-08-24T11:32:00.000-04:00

Sorry for my absence. I have about 6 posts running around in my head but I just don’t have the desire to type them all out. I don’t have the desire for much lately. I’ve been reading blogs sporadically and commenting even less. I’m a sucky support system lately. I apologize for that.

I think the realization of what my situation is has finally started to hit home. For a while I was hopeful that I could find a way to come up with the money for donor eggs. That was definitely a fruitless endeavor. I don’t have a money tree and I’m not going to put my current family in dire straits by taking out a loan on my 401k that would result in a $550 a month payment. We don’t have enough equity in our house for a loan or a refinance option. I don’t have $30,000 worth of stuff to sell on eBay. I’m out of ideas. I’m out of hope.

I have some really great things to write about, like my nephew came and spent a few days with us and it was pure bliss...exhausting, but wonderful. I’ll write about the visit another time. It would also make more sense to all of you if I explained his situation so that is a post for another day.

Right now, I’m about to start my period and I’m really pissed and angry and bitter about it. I should be scheduled for my 20 week scan this week. Instead, I’m starting another cycle. This will be the case until I hit menopause. I will just keep having periods until the rest of my body decides to catch up with my ovaries and stops working altogether. I really fucking hate this.

There have been a couple of BFP’s in blogs that I read. I’m happy for these women as they have struggled for years to get this far. I’m also hoping that their betas continue to rise as they should. While I’m happy for them, I’m sad for me. I know most of you can understand that, at least I hope you can. I felt their happiness once before, albeit for a short time, but I had it...and then I didn’t. I miss that happiness. I miss that hope. I hope that they continue to progress and in 8.5 months hold their baby(ies) in their arms. I just want it to be me. Oh, and another blogger just posted her adoption story and it brought me to tears. I know how much she struggled and suffered to bring that beautiful baby boy home and I couldn’t be happier for her. Again, I just wish I could feel that much happiness.

I wanted to make a round of phone calls this week and let everyone know that we were team pink or team blue. However, these cramps and this spotting have reminded me once again, that those types of phone calls will never be made from my phone.

I’ve been feeling very down lately and I didn’t want to come here and be negative which is why I’ve stayed away for so long. Sometimes I just need to release all the negative emotions and this is pretty much the only place I have to do that. Although, I’m finding it difficult to put anything coherent together and to convey my feelings properly without sounding like a mental case.

I can’t believe that I really won’t ever be pregnant...that I won’t ever have a child and that I won’t ever be a mother. I know I have the Little Guy, but he already has his mother so I just get to step in every once in a while and “play” mommy. It sucks. And it sucked sending my nephew back to my sister. I just want a child that I love as my own to call me mom. I’m always left empty handed and it just doesn’t feel right. I have so much love to give and so many maternal feelings that I never really thought I wouldn’t be a mom. I guess God just had other plans for me. He obviously wants me to be happy with the smidgeon of parenting that I get to do while the “real” moms get all the devotion and love. Whatever. It’s no use crying about it, right? Crying never changed anything anyway.

It is what it is and I guess it’s finally sinking in. I’m not going to be a mom...ever. There it is, the final statement. Maybe this is rock bottom? I hope so because I don’t know how I could feel any worse. I’m hoping that I can find a way to rebuild and refocus my life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there, but it’s still too far away for me to see it.

I apologize for the dark and dreary post but I have to let some of this out before I explode. I promise to be a better reader and commenter as you all have shown me nothing but understanding and support and you deserve the same in return.

IF on HGTV

2011-08-01T12:00:00.002-04:00

I think I’ve mentioned that BJ and I like to watch house hunters on HGTV. We started watching the show about the time we were thinking of selling our old house. We watched to get ideas about staging, to gawk at mansions and to get ideas of things we’d like in our next house.

The shows are based on young couples buying their first place or young families looking for more room. There are shows about families with older children and retired people as well. All too often it’s geared toward newlyweds that end up pregnant at the end of the show because they wanted to get started on their family building right away. Lucky them. There have been many times when I have talked to the TV and said things like “it might not be that easy!” and “not everyone gets knocked up just because they want to!” And then the woman ends up pregnant at the end anyway, despite my discord.

BJ and I were watching a show last week and the written description said that it was a young couple moving on from painful memories. I couldn’t wait for it to come on because I love a good story. Well, wouldn’t you know it was about IF! The young couple got married and wanted a baby right away. They had problems...they suffered from infertility. They saved up money to travel to the Czech Republic for an IVF since it was so expensive here in the states. Unfortunately, it did not work. They were devastated. With each interview I was so impressed with how they tried to convey their disappointment, their sadness, their overall emotional turmoil. At one point, I looked at BJ and said, “She’s been crying...look at her eyes.”

They had a small budget because on the off chance that they could afford more treatments they didn’t want to be cash strapped. They said they needed to move out of their house and start fresh and put the pain and suffering behind them and try to focus on the future. BJ tapped my leg and said to the TV, “my baby knows how that feels.” For all they knew they were done trying to have a child. The disappointment was so intense that they just wanted to run from any memory of it.

They chose a house and as usual the show comes back and films more footage to wrap the story up. The crew came back 4 months later. The woman said, “we’ve been in the house 3 months now...” and I caught a glimpse of her stomach. I asked BJ if she was pregnant. He said she wasn’t sure, it was hard to tell. The couple kept talking and made no mention of a baby and I thought for sure she was just a little pudgy. The very next scene showed them sitting on the floor looking at paint chips and discussing which color would be good for a nursery. The camera cut to the woman and she stated that they went on a trip to Italy and decided to give IVF in the Czech Republic one more go ‘round. It worked. They are now having a baby. BJ said, “I knew it...”

As pissed as I was that they ended up pregnant, I was genuinely happy for them. They seemed like such nice people and they had obviously struggled to get there. As many episodes as I’ve seen (and it’s been A LOT) they have never dealt with IF. This couple talked about the emotional turmoil of IF and of their failed IVF. They had so much invested and then to come home empty handed was devastating for them. I was glad to have their story out there and I told BJ how brave I thought they were for coming forward on TV like that.

I just wish that we all could get a happy ending like they did. All too often many of us are just left with empty arms and diminished bank accounts. And don’t think I didn’t Google the hell out of IVF in the Czech Republic. And yes, it’s very cheap compared to here and there are companies that assist couples with all aspects of their travel from airport transportation to rides to and from the clinic to sight-seeing tours. It’s amazing. All in all I think the show did a good job with this couple. I’m sorry they struggled but I am happy that they received their miracle.

Letting Go and/or Moving On

2011-07-21T10:42:00.000-04:00

I just read something on FB and it brought tears to my eyes:

Laugh when you can,
Apologize when you should,
And let go of what you can’t change.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up,
It means you’re moving on.

I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to move on. I don’t know how to do those things. I guess in time I will figure it out. I don’t really have a choice. Like the little saying says, I can’t change it.

The same person posted this saying:

I can choose to let regrets define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me – or I can choose to move on and leave them behind me.

I have many regrets that I have let go of and some that I haven’t. Even with my spiritual crisis lately I can’t honestly say that I regret doing our IVF. That is hard for me to admit because I question whether or not God actually sent me down that path or my own free will did. I don’t regret it because it gave me several days of real motherhood. Like I said in a previous post I believe, for me anyway, that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. My heart was so full of love and happiness that I could barely contain it. I have never known love like that. I feel extremely grateful for the opportunity to have loved so much in such a short amount of time.

I must really like to torture myself, too. I went back and read the posts from my very first BFP to the end...I also read all the comments. That girl was so happy and confused and hopeful and scared. Most of all, she was pregnant and then she wasn’t. It was almost like I was reading someone else’s blog. It feels like a lifetime ago. All the comments were so sweet and genuine and reassuring and supportive. I would not have been able to get through things as well as I did (have I?) if not for you guys. When I asked for level headed that is what I got. When the shit hit the fan I got tons of love and hugs. There is no place like my little place in the blogosphere.

I know this is quite a rambling post and I didn’t have any intention on posting today but after reading that saying on FB I needed to come here and let out a little emotion. It hit a cord with me to say the least. I’ve been racking my brain on ways to get money for egg donor and at the same time wondering why I’m even thinking about it. It’s very simple really; I don’t know how to let go or move on...yet.

Lately I have not been praying for a miracle baby. I have been asking for strength to let go of my yearning. I have been asking for help with acceptance. I guess I need to pray harder because it’s not working. Or maybe God knows that I don’t really mean it. Since He knows what’s in my heart then He must know that I still desperately want to carry a child. I’m trying to get over this, I really am. Most days I’m ok and then other days...well, I’m a mess. I guess it’s a process that I have to go through until I get to acceptance, right? I wonder how much longer I have to wait.

Out of the Blue

2011-07-18T14:35:00.002-04:00

I was getting ready to write a post about my weekend when my cell phone started ringing. I looked down to see my clinic’s name and number on the display. I thought about not answering it. I thought about whether or not we were scared away with our bill. I thought (and this is completely crazy but it actually went through my head for a split-split second) my last embryo didn’t really die...they froze it and forgot to tell me and want to transfer it right away! I know, I know, crazy and completely out of left field but that’s one of the things that popped into my head.

It was my nurse calling to catch up with me. I told her that I had nothing new to report. We pretty much know our only option is an egg donor and it’s a bit out of our price range. She agreed that it’s very expensive. I also told her that I had even spoken to the DE coordinators and went over all of our options and we are pretty much stuck right now...just healing. She was very sweet and understanding and said that if I needed anything from her or Dr. M to just call her...even if I just wanted to talk about what we are going through. I thought that was very nice of her.

This call came at a very sensitive time for me. As I said, I was about to post about my weekend. Here’s a snippet of how yesterday was for me:

I was sitting on the couch browsing through my pictures on my cell phone when my pee stick pictures popped up. I was taken aback a little and BJ noticed. He asked me what the picture was and I told him it was my positive pregnancy test...I had forgotten it was on there. I flipped back a few more pictures and there were my embryos. I didn’t forget they were on there I just apparently like to torture myself.

We had to go to our niece’s birthday party yesterday. She is turning 4 tomorrow. The entire family (BJ’s BIL’s side) was there. This family has exploded over the last 2 years to say the least. There were 6 toddlers there aged 3 and under. And to make matters worse, my SIL’s friend showed up. She’s 47 years old and has been fighting secondary IF for about 8 or 9 years. She’s due September 1. Everyone was fawning all over her. I’m fine with it as she has fought hard (not sure how the baby was conceived and won’t ask) to get this second child. I just wish it were ME. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant right now. They were talking about her shower and how she’s feeling and if they’ve thought of any names. Very typical stuff. Like I said, I’m very happy that she is finally to this point with a healthy pregnancy and baby...I’m just jealous. I was so ready to leave. BJ was ready to go but he just doesn’t like all the commotion and screaming of so many little kids. Ugh.

I don’t remember much of my dreaming last night except this one little tidbit: I had just POAS and got a VERY dark second line. It was so dark, it was almost black. Someone had to tell me to look at it again to prove to myself that the 2nd line was there. I remember thinking that there is no way I’m losing THIS pregnancy....look at how dark that 2nd line is. The next thing that happened was I woke up (except I was still asleep) within the dream and had to remind myself that it was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up FOR REAL and realized the whole thing was a dream.

And then my nurse called me this morning. If you add that to all my conflicting feelings regarding my Faith and my “plan”....what do you get? A big emotional mess.

Geez...my mind really knows how to mess with me.

Anyway...thank you all for reading through my mix of emotions last week regarding my crisis of Faith and my apparent floundering. You all have great opinions and insight and I really do appreciate your views. I wish I could reply to comments but have yet to figure out how to do that in Blogger. I’d like people to get notified (you know, like on FB) that I have replied to their comment. If I just post a comment I don’t think the person is notified...they’d have to come back and read through everything to see if I have responded. Anyone have any better methods?

Happiness Is...

2011-07-15T13:56:00.002-04:00

I did not proof read this post so I apologize for any errors in advance...major time crunch here. :-)

- Opening a door in my house (whether it’s my bedroom, the garage or the bathroom) and having little Gizmo meow loudly, throw himself on the floor, roll on his side and stretch (as only kitties can do) himself out so that his belly is fully exposed for me to rub. He’s such a sweetie and so damn loveable. I thanked him for being my personal escort every time I leave the powder room on the first floor. He sits and waits for me to come out and sometimes he puts his little paw under the door so that I touch it. He doesn’t escort BJ the same way so I feel a little special. :-)

- A beautiful weather weekend coming up. It will be in the mid-80’s and not nearly as humid as it has been. I can’t wait to spend some time outside Saturday cleaning up my rose bushes and maybe buying a new set of hanging baskets for the porch. The ones we have are just about dead. It got so hot that no matter how much I watered them they are just wilting away.

- Working out on a regular basis again. I’m not doing a lot right now because I work out on my lunch break and don’t want to get all sweaty and nasty. The things I have been doing are making me feel better. I’ve also declared war on my will power and have been trying to be a lot more cautious about what I’m eating and how much of it. I’ve put on almost 10 pounds this last year and I want it GONE. It might take a while but as long as I’m working on it, I’m happy with myself.

- Rita’s frozen custard. I had never been there before and we have one right in our town. BJ and I decided to try it out about a month or so ago. O.M.G.!! I love soft serve ice cream and this stuff is the best I’ve had in a long time! I had the chocolate (natch) with chocolate sprinkles and ate it out of a cup. It was so smooth and creamy and just melted (well duh) in my mouth. We’ve had it 2 more times since then. There is a place on the boardwalk down by where we used to live that serves soft serve ice cream and they have been my favorite for the longest time. Now this frozen custard stuff is trying to steal its place in my heart.

- Communicating with other bloggers . I love the blogging community, which is no secret. I always receive support and understanding from my readers. I know that I can come here and spout things and even if it sounds crazy or doesn’t make any sense I know that I am safe here. And for all of you new mommies (and not so new mommies) and you pregnant ladies...do not ever feel like you can’t comment or that I don’t want to hear from you just because you are on the “other side”. I love to hear from ALL of you.

Elaboration

2011-07-14T13:19:00.000-04:00

I just want to elaborate a little on my last post. Some of your very insightful and thought provoking comments have gotten me to thinking about this some more.

I think “punish” was the wrong word. I think “consequence” would have been a more appropriate word to use. I feel that we all have consequences for our actions. Whether they are good consequences or bad. Every action has a reaction of sorts.

I remember some stories of great suffering in the Bible. Unfortunately, I’m not familiar enough with the stories to quote them here. I remember them, though. I know that God has the power to do anything...whether it’s to create life in a virgin or to flood the earth. There are reasons that He does these things that I will never understand. That’s why it’s called faith. I’m ok with that.

What I’m having trouble with is my belief that God creates every life for a reason. It might sound silly and naïve, but that is how my heart feels. It’s what I’ve always believed. I was taught that God has a plan for every person that He puts on this Earth. I also believe that people stray from the right path on many occasions. When I say the “right” path I mean the path that God intended the person to walk. That is where free will comes in.

With the free will that we were granted we make choices. THOSE choices shape our lives. I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that even if/when we make the wrong choice that it was “meant to be” and “in God’s plan”. Does God intend for people to become drug addicts and alcoholics? Does He intend for people to kidnap little kids and do unspeakable harm to them? Does He intend for people to commit suicide? I don’t think so. I think these people strayed off the path that God intended for them and made their own choices.

One of the commentors from yesterday stated that her desire for motherhood was God given. I totally get that. I feel I was born to be a mother. I feel it in my bones that I need to keep fighting and do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal. However, I think God has other plans for me. I was born with terrible eggs. I’m guessing that means God never intended for me to birth a child. I feel like no matter how certain I was that fertility treatments were right for me, that God was not leading me in that direction after all. I made those choices and I apparently was not listening to God enough. He has shown me over the last 10 years that His plan for me does not include a biological child. I’m finally starting to get it. It’s finally sinking in.

I’m not being punished for anything I have done or not done...I was born without the ability to produce a child. I’ve had a sort of epiphany about this lately. It really sucks ass, but it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I don’t have a fixable problem. There’s no way to skirt around ovaries with bad eggs. Well, short of spending a minimum of $15,000 on a shared donor.

I’m starting to realize that the Little Guy is probably supposed to fill my need for mothering. I have always felt so lucky to have met BJ when I did. The fact that he had a little boy was such a bonus. The fact that he lets me mother his child is a real blessing. What I want is not what God wants for me. Nor is it what God obviously has planned for me. I made the choice to date BJ. I made the choice to marry him. Those were free will decisions. Those decisions brought this child into my life and that is a consequence I can deal with.

I’m still so very sad at the thought of ending my journey of trying for my own child. Sad is not even a good word to describe what I’m feeling. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m going to trust that God has some good things planned for me and that I don’t stray (keep straying?) from my path. Maybe I’m so far off the path that I am unable to find my way back. I hope not. With all my doubts lately I’m not even sure I have a definitive path. I’m just a compilation of my many choices. I know that God loves me. I’m one of His children and He loves us all. Even the non-believers out there, He loves you, too. God’s love for me was never in question. There are enough things that I question, but that is not one of them. I’m so grateful for His love. Right now though, my heart just aches for the life I had with me for that short time that is now with Him. I just hope that He didn’t give me that life and then take it away as a consequence for not following His will.

Ok, enough with all of that. I’m sure you are sick to death of reading about my spiritual crisis. Thank you all for your great comments. I get such great comfort in knowing that you are out there and that many of you have had some of these feelings, too. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Fate/Destiny/Master Plan?

2011-07-13T14:32:00.000-04:00

I’m going to get a little religious/spiritual in this post. It might be offensive to some and it might make others laugh at me. I do not mean to offend anyone and the thoughts posted here are just that, my thoughts/opinions/feelings. I’ve wanted to write this post for a very long time but haven’t quite been able to put it all together. I still don’t know if it will come across as well thought out or not but I need to get it out of my head.

I’m a Christian. I believe in God and in Jesus as my Savior. I pray for others, myself and for forgiveness. I don’t go to church anymore and I don’t like that about myself but obviously not enough to change it. I try to lead a “good” life. I have pretty high standards for myself. I try to treat others in a way that I want to be treated. Pretty standard stuff.

In my journey of TTC there have been so many prayers to God. I’m sure you can relate to what those prayers entailed. I’ve tried bargaining, begging, desperation...none of it has worked. I never thought I’d try IVF. I didn’t think it was *natural* to create life like that. When the time came and we had the money I really felt that I was ready, both spiritually and mentally. I really thought it would work. I thought that God would see how much it really meant to me/us and He’d let it happen. I thought that He’d see that I was willing to give myself shots and put myself through the emotional wringer and He’d reward me/us. We were in the process of selling our house and trying to find a new place. The market was not good and we feared that we’d be stuck. We got an offer pretty quickly and then we found out that we could get a really great interest rate to allow us to build a brand new house in a great neighborhood in the town we really wanted to live in. Not only that, but our realtor had a house that we could rent for just a few months while we waited for our house to be built. Things were really falling into place. It must be God’s plan, right? To finally get a baby, and a new house and a new life with my new husband and step-son...it must be my master plan/destiny, right? Wrong.

Let me add that over the years with my previous husband, each and every time I wasn’t pregnant when something significant happened in our lives I always used the line, “well I guess that’s why God hasn’t let me get pregnant yet.” It always made sense. And then I would tell myself that I didn’t get pregnant because God knew that we would divorce. However, if we’d had a child I don’t know that our marriage would have dissolved. It’s one of the biggest questions I have. He now has 3 children so it must have been his plan, right? To learn from our marriage and then to move on and have kids with someone that is fertile must have been his destiny, right? I don’t know.

Do we have a destiny? Is there a master plan? I always thought so. I am guilty of using the phrases, “what is meant to be will be” and “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t know what to believe now. God might have a plan for all of us but we, as humans, have plans of our own. We were given free will, the ability to make choices. We make wrong choices throughout our lives. Sometimes no matter how hard we pray and ask for guidance, we make a wrong choice. Did God know we would make a wrong choice? Was that wrong choice in our plan all along? If so, then it really wasn’t wrong was it? God told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit. And pardon my ignorance...did He know she would anyway? She made the choice to go against God’s wishes and because of that, all of humanity was punished...sin was introduced into the perfect world.

Back to me...I’ve often wondered what my plan in life is/was. I wonder if I have made too many choices that have completely altered the way things were supposed to be. I made the choice of staying with my mom when I was 16 and my dad made the choice of letting me. Things would have been very different if I had not made the request or if he had said no. It’s things like that that have led me here today.

I started thinking about those sorts of things after our loss from our IVF in April. I chose to do IVF. I want a baby so badly that I chose to try again. Aren’t we supposed to learn from past mistakes as to not repeat them in the future? Since the first one failed I wonder why I though God would let the second one work. I had to try, though. I felt it was the right thing to do. And when I think back to how calm and serene I was through most of the process, I wonder why I was so calm. I think it was because I knew it would work. Somewhere deep inside, I had come to terms with the fact that it would work. I was ready for whatever emotions came my way. I had learned how to deal with it from our past attempt. I felt confident that it would turn out differently than last time. I was right, to a degree.

God allowed me to get pregnant. And then He allowed me lose that baby very early. I think it was a form of punishment. Before anyone tells me that God doesn’t punish people like that, hear me out. I used to think that way, too, until my loss. When women are born they are born with as many eggs as they will ever have. I was born with fewer than average eggs. I was also born with bad eggs. I have been TTC since I was 24 years old. My eggs were just as bad then as they are now. So obviously, God’s plan/my destiny/my fate has always been for me not to get pregnant. God created me and he created my eggs. He never intended for me to get pregnant. And what do I do? I keep going to doctors to try and rectify the situation instead of just learning from my past. If we had not tried again I would not have this heavy hurt of a lost baby in my heart. I would not sit here in sadness every day thinking about how far along I should be and what milestone I should be reaching each week.

When I think about how desperately I wish we had money for donor eggs I have to stop myself. What makes me think that donor eggs are “in my plan”? Why would God want me to go ahead and seek more medical intervention? He has already proven to me that He never intended for me to have a child. Why would I choose to try something like that? Honestly, if we had the money, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m driven by something else that I can’t put into words (maybe it’s greed or selfishness?). If I did donor eggs and God decided that he was angry enough at me for going through with more treatments, what would my next punishment be? I shudder at the thought of His power. I am, after all, a God fearing woman.

It’s all so confusing. And don’t get me wrong...I do not think that donor eggs are against God’s wishes. In my opinion, God creates all life and it’s up to Him if that life turns into a baby. And if a woman uses donor eggs and has a baby...I’m very happy for (and a bit jealous of) them. I’m just in spiritual turmoil right now. I’m questioning all my decisions with regards to reproduction lately. I’m also still trying to figure out if there is any way possible to pay for the donor egg program. I’m a walking contradiction. It’s not easy living in my head these days.

Happiness Is...

2011-07-12T16:01:00.000-04:00

- Getting my hair cut and really liking it for the first time in almost 2 years. I had been going to the same lady for about 7 or 8 years and then she moved away. She did my highlights and my cuts and she knew what I liked and how to do it. Since she left I’ve had a really hard time finding someone that can do it the way I want...not the way *they* think it will look best. The people at work that always notice when I get my hair cut didn’t have a clue that I even got it cut. A sure sign of a fine job. Yay!!

- Yummy homemade banana bread. I received a recipe from a gal at work through one of those recipe exchange chain e-mails. I had never made banana bread before so I thought I’d try it. Sunday was the third time I have used her recipe. It’s so good and it makes a great snack. I put in a little more flour than the recipe calls for because if the bread is too moist it makes my stomach turn.

- Going back to the gym. I haven’t been to the gym (at work we have a very small fitness center) on consecutive days in about 4 months or so. I have decided to make a real effort to get in there at least 3 days a week on my lunch break. Going there at lunch keeps me out of the heat, I get a better workout than walking outside and it stops me from making a pit stop at McD’s or the frozen yogurt place or any other place I find myself stopping while I’m out walking. I’d like to be a little more bathing suite ready when our vacation gets here and this is a good start.

- Steamed asparagus. I bought a little steamer a while back and have used it for rice (it cooks it perfectly!!), broccoli and asparagus. It cooks the asparagus to the perfect tenderness. I don’t like it crispy and I don’t like it mushy (like out of the can). We usually have it when we have salmon. This past weekend we had it with crunchy chicken tenders....it was still yummy.

- A huge thunderstorm last night. The lightning lit up the sky for about an hour and the thunder was almost continuous. We got a little rain and a little wind but nothing too major. I love a good summer thunderstorm...as long as there are no tornadoes attached. I’m terrified of tornadoes. *shiver*

Why?

2011-07-08T12:24:00.000-04:00

There are many times during the TTC process that we Infertiles ask the question “why?”

Why is it taking so long?
Why do I have endo?
Why do I have PCOS?
Why are my tubes blocked?
Why does my husband not have any sperm?
Why do I not ovulate?
Why do I keep losing babies?
Why? Why? Why?

The list just goes on and on for most of us. The “why?” that I’m asking today is this: Why do I still think there is a chance I could get pregnant?

I saw ewcm yesterday and put a plan into action to seduce my husband. Surprisingly I succeeded in doing just that. I’m only on CD9 today. The sighting of the ewcm means that ovulation will be today or tomorrow. I’m not peeing on any sticks or strips to know for sure. Being this early in my cycle I know that if there is an egg in the follicle that it’s most likely not mature. On the off chance that it is mature I’m sure it’s not normal. My track record speaks for itself. So again I have to ask myself, why?

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I had a dream last night that I was at a neighbor’s party. It was the neighbor that is 41 and has stated that she never wants kids. It’s my opinion that she tried and failed but I have yet to ask her about it. I could be wrong but that is the feeling I get from her. Anyway...back to my dream. She was sharing her eggs with me. No, not her ovarian eggs, actual eggs that you would crack open and cook. Someone told me that the eggs wouldn’t be any good, that they’d be messed up. I assured them that the eggs would be fine. It was a half carton of eggs which is how I usually buy them. As I opened the carton, I inspected each and every one of the eggs. And wouldn’t you know that every single egg was cracked and oozing? I was so very disappointed.

Isn’t it amazing how our minds can work our life into some bizarre dream? I know my eggs are all crap, pretty much just like the ones in my dream. However, the ones in my dream weren’t mine. They were given to me and they were still bad. They were meant to replace my own but I couldn’t use them either. That’s pretty much how I feel. That even if I could afford donor eggs, I still would not end up with a baby. But again, why? Why am I even thinking about donor eggs?

Why am I holding on to this hope? It’s torture on most days. I hate this feeling of being defeated and at the end of my rope. Sometimes the good guy doesn’t win. All too often the villain gets the prize while the deserving champion sits on the sidelines knowing there is nothing that can change the outcome. Why? Why does it have to be this way?

I wish I knew. One of these days I’ll stop asking “why”. I’m sure it won’t be because I have an answer...I’ll just eventually grow tired of asking. Or maybe I’ll learn to just accept things for what they are and I won’t care “why”. I wish I were in that place now.

Happiness Is...

2011-07-06T13:05:00.000-04:00

- Spending 4 days off work with my honey. We didn’t do much but we hung out together, ran a few errands, did some cleaning, went to a cookout, set off some fireworks with the Little Guy, slept in and just enjoyed each other. We didn’t seem to get on each other’s nerves much at all. :-)

- Having both my cats on my lap at once. It has never happened before and I don’t know if it will happen again, but wow. First, Smokey was on my lap like usual. Then all of a sudden, Gizmo jumped up on the couch and laid down on me. He was half on my mid-section and half on the couch. I told BJ to hurry up and snap a picture with his phone. Gizmo rarely comes up on the couch when there is more than one of us sitting there, let alone when Smokey is laying with me. It didn’t last but maybe 2 minutes but I loved it.

- A quick conversation with my mother over the weekend. I haven’t heard from her since my birthday. She’s “ok”, whatever that means in her world. She’s alive and seems to be ok, and I’m thankful for that.

- Watching Rocky movies over the weekend. We watched the end of Rocky IV, Rocky V, Rocky, Rocky II and Rocky III...in that order. They were playing the movies back to back on AMC. I haven’t seen those movies in YEARS and didn’t remember a lot of them so it was like watching them for the first time. When Rocky IV came on again I wanted to watch it from the beginning because I couldn’t remember how he lost his fortune (BJ told me but I wanted to SEE it) but BJ said he just couldn’t sit through one more movie. Poor guy.

- A new word game on my phone. I downloaded Word Whirl (I think that’s it) and have been playing it like crazy. It’s like my Kindle game of Every Word but it plays “faster”. I love word games and this is just the game for me. Plus, it was free!

Filler

2011-07-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

Before I move on with my story I want to fill in a few blanks. There are some things that I forgot to mention before that have popped into my head since writing my last entry.

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about my sister. I love her very much and I always have. There has just been a major disconnect with us from a very early age. It sucks that we didn’t grow up together but it’s probably a good thing at the same time. Well, considering how each of us was raised I’d say it’s a very good thing we didn’t grow up together.

There are plenty of good memories that I have of my mother and my siblings that should not be glossed over. Several summers in a row my mother would either make or buy us (my sister and me) a matching outfit to wear. It was fun and cute and we took pictures. My mother made each of us kids a small pillow with our initials on it. I slept with mine for years...cried myself to sleep on it countless times because I missed my mother so much. We would watch wrestling Saturday mornings and all cheer and then we’d have our own wrestling matches in the living room. It was great fun. My mother took me to my first live action wrestling show when I was about 7 or 8 and I got to see Brett the Hitman Hart (our all-time favorite) in person. She also took me to see George Michael in concert (my very first concert) when I was 11 (I think). My sister and I would play with all of her My Little Ponies. She had them all and the castle that they lived in, too. I played Star Wars and MASH with my brother’s action figures. My favorite MASH character was Clinger. My mom and I used to stay up really late and watch Beretta on late night TV. We’d sing the theme song together. Because of her, I started watching Days of our Lives and General Hospital. I wanted to name my daughter Kayla after my favorite character. We used to sit in the kitchen and listen to the Oldies radio station and call in at lunch time and make requests. My mom’s favorite song was Cathy’s Clown...that’s her name and her mother used to sing that song to her. The other song we would request all the time was Funny Face...a nickname her mother gave her. We went to a local amusement park and rode the roller coaster together 10 times in a row...in the front seat! We also rode the Scrambler a bunch of times and just laughed and had a great time. We had one of those small pools in our backyard and we used to swim all the time. My mom would get in with us and she’d take turns dunking each of us. She’d hold us like babies and then tell us to “say goodbye!” and that was our clue to hold our nose and then she’d dunk us. It was great fun, I tell ya. My mom was a blast.

I was always very protective of my siblings, especially my older brother. He was scrawny and he’d get picked on by the neighborhood kids. He also had (and still does) a mouth that wrote checks his ass couldn’t cash. That’s when I had to step in. It seemed like I was always standing up for him in some fashion. He was a wimp and he still is. He talks big but can’t back any of it up. I could probably still kick his butt. There was one instance when I was about 8 or 9 and he was outside playing across the street with Joey. Our windows were open (my mom didn’t like running the AC) and I looked out and saw him and Joey in Joey’s front yard. Joey was on top of my brother and they were wrestling around. I yelled out the window for him to “get off my brother” but he obviously didn’t hear me or he didn’t care because he didn’t yield. My hair was in pig-tails and it was a rare instance that I was wearing a dress. I proceeded to run down the stairs, across the street and knocked Joey off my brother. Tony swears I clotheslined Joey and if there is ever a movie made about my life I will definitely write that in for dramatic effect. However, I just remember knocking him over. I remember a few times jumping in between my brother and one neighborhood boy or another. I was smaller than them but my natural instincts were to protect at any cost. In many ways I wish I could have protected my mom.

My mom has a cousin named Dave. She said he’s her cousin, anyway. I’m not sure how they are related. He was married to a woman named Jeannie. He was a biker dude in every sense of the word. He was big and burley, had crazy hair and a beard and tattoos. Jeannie was his biker babe. She was tall, blonde, rough around the edges and had her share of tattoos, too. At one point they were living in a trailer that was parked next to our house. I think I was 9 at the time. We called him Uncle Dave even though he was not our uncle. I didn’t like him very much. He made me uncomfortable, squeamish. The most vivid memory I have of him still haunts me to this day. My mom and I were cuddled in a chair watching TV. My red, white and blue afghan (my grandmother made it for me since I was born in 1976, the Bicentennial) was covering us. Uncle Dave was sitting in a chair across from us. I had closed my eyes because I was getting pretty tired but I wasn’t asleep yet. They were talking but I don’t remember what they were saying. I opened my eyes just in time to see Uncle Dave using his hands to express what he wanted from my mother. One hand was in an “o” shape and he was using his index finger of his other hand to go in and out of the “o”. I think we can all figure that one out. He looked alarmed that I had opened my eyes and slowly lowered his hands. I closed my eyes again and pretended that I didn’t see anything as I heard my mom say, “No, we did it last night”. I don’t remember anything else that was said. I just remember feeling very confused about what I had just witnessed. It was obvious that my mom didn’t want to proceed but I got the feeling that she was required to do so anyway. I was right. I found out when I was 16 that he repeatedly forced her to do those things under the threat of telling my step-dad and other blackmail threats. I feel so bad for my mother and I wish that I could have protected her from this monster. I’m sure she was scared of him, too. I do not believe that this was something she was doing willingly. He used to beat his wife and I’m pretty sure he was “rough” on my mom, too. I vaguely remember her having to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide bruises on her arms. It makes my heart ache to think about what she went through. And I really believe that all of these things that happened to her along the way are the reasons why she is the way she is. There was no one to protect her, to stand up for her. It really is a tragedy what happened to her. I was so glad the next summer when I came to visit and Uncle Dave was gone. I never knew the whole story (or maybe I have just forgotten it) of how his and his wife’s departure came about. I don’t care to know.

Other fond memories I have of my mother are Monday nights. Monday night was bowling night. We’d have pizza for dinner at home and then my mom would change into her bowling outfit. She wore a nice blouse and a denim mini skort. She had a small blue bowling brace that she wore on her right hand. We loaded into the station wagon and off we went. We each got some money for the snack bar and the pinball machines. I remember watching my mom bowl and how much fun she seemed to be having. She took it very seriously as she walked up the lane. She had the same stance each and every time. I remember thinking about how pretty she was and how I wanted to be like her when I grew up. I’m glad that didn’t really happen but at the time she was the best thing since sliced bread. She used to collect key chains. She had about 20 or more hanging off her keys. She could always find her keys in her purse, that’s for sure. She drove barefoot. As soon as we got in the car (a big Ford station wagon) she’d kick off her sandals and drive. She could barely see over the steering wheel. She bought me a pair of Dr. Scholl’s sandals that I loved...and of course they matched hers so that made them that much more appealing. I idolized her to say the least. She was my mother and I barely got to see her so I cherished all the time I had with her. When it would come time to leave I’d be hysterical. We would say, “No tears” but we always failed at that. We were both a blubbering mess by the time I got on the plane to leave. People on the plane always felt so sorry for me. I would sit there and cry...almost the whole flight. Back then, it was ok for the cockpit door to open so the flight attendants would take me up to see the captain to try and make me feel better. I would get little plastic wings to pin to my shirt and a deck of cards. And then I would cry some more. I just wanted my mom.

Background - Just over 2000 words...settle in.

2011-06-23T12:32:00.000-04:00

I’m going to try and be as specific as I can without completely confusing everyone when I begin to tell the story of my mom’s side of the family. There’s so much to tell and I feel like the background is very important before I get into the wedding details. I’ll try to be brief but once I get going you know how I can ramble. I’m going to change most of the names but since I’m pretty certain that no one knows this blog exists other names will remain intact. Basically so I don’t get confused. Here goes...

My mom got married at the age of 16 to a man that was quite a bit older than her. She had dropped out of school in the 9th grade. She said that it was because she wanted out of the house and saw this as her only option. The man she married was Gary. My maternal grandmother was on her second marriage and my mom was basically raised by her grandparents. My mother’s father was in prison because he raped her when she was 7 years old. I believe this to be the catalyst for about 90% of the messed up-ness of my mother’s life.

According to my mother (the more I write the more you will understand why I don’t take her word at face value) when she went to the doctor to get put on birth control (within several weeks of the wedding) she was already pregnant. At some point late in her pregnancy, her mother got pregnant. So now you have mother and daughter pregnant at the same time. Sounds like a winning combination, doesn’t it? My mother also has a younger brother (I’m not sure by how much) and his name is Joe. My mother claims to have been pregnant with twins. I say “claims” because several years ago I found Tony’s birth certificate and it states that he was a single birth. She says that the twin died right after or just before delivery. The delivery was an emergency c-section...I don’t know why or what happened to cause this but my brother was about 2 months early. I guess it’s possible the hospital did not list him as a twin because the other baby did not make it. I also don’t know why my mother would lie but it would not surprise me in the least. My grandmother had a baby girl and her name was Vicky.

My mom soon left Gary...claims she never loved him but just saw him as her “out”. I’m not sure how long it took but she ended up with some guy named Andy and then not long after that she met my dad. I don’t know how long they were together before she was knocked up with me but I don’t think it was very long. My dad was in the military and had to leave to go serve his solo overseas station for a year. I was 6 months old when they got married. He went to Turkey and left my mom, me and Tony behind. Wouldn’t you know that the guy that lived above us in our apartment killed his wife (so my mom says) and set the place on fire? Enter Tom, the guy my mom cheated on my dad with. He was one of the cops that responded to the call. Apparently he spent a lot of time at our place and with us because my mom says I called him “daddy” before I called my own father that. To top everything off, Tom was married with 3 boys. It just keeps getting better, right? Enter the chants of Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

My dad comes home from Turkey and finds out that my mom has been cheating on him. I never knew how he found out until I stumbled upon the divorce papers when I was about 11. Tom had his clothes or underwear or something hanging up in OUR bathroom!!! Commence the divorce and fight for custody. While I was growing up my mom gave me the same song and dance....she wanted to keep me but her terrible brother got up on the stand and told all sorts of lies about how she was an unfit mother. She proceeded to tell me that my dad then went to our daycare center and took me without permission and she had no idea where I was or how to find me. As I grew up I slowly learned the truth. I’m not sure about my dad kidnapping me but there was a hearing and I think her brother might have testified against her but that is neither here nor there. When I was a teenager my dad told me that he fought to get my brother from her, too. He lost because he was not the boy’s biological father. And back in 1978-79 when all of this was taking place, the judge must have had some pretty good evidence that I’d be better off with my single father than with my mother and her new man to give him full custody while my mother only got visitation. Since my dad was military and expected to move quite a bit my parents came to a conclusion that I would spend a month in the summer with her rather than going by the schedule the judge set up. I could write a small novel regarding the back and forth years of my life but that will be saved for another time.

Tom divorced his wife to be with my mother....or his wife found out he was cheating so she divorced him, not sure which. My mother and he eventually got married (when my sister was 2 months old) and began their lives together. My sister was born on Elvis’s birthday. My maternal grandmother swears that my mother did this on purpose because my mother’s grandmother was an Elvis fanatic. Whatever the reason, this was the beginning of me feeling like she was “better” and more loved than me. My mother had my younger brother, Bob, when my sister was almost 2. So now all 3 of my siblings (born of my mother) are living with her full time and I’m thousands of miles away...feeling left out. Mind you, I had a great family that I was with but as a kid you perceive things differently.

I began to resent the fact that my siblings got to live with my mother and receive her love and attention. However, when I came to visit in the summers I was given somewhat of a celebrity status. I was the kid that she toted around to “show off” to everyone. When I was little I didn’t understand this but as I got older I hated it. I always felt like the outsider. I spent 11 months out of the year away from these people so I had to reform relationships with them. It wasn’t as hard with my older brother because he remembered me a lot more than my younger siblings. The younger two were much harder to connect with as they barely remembered me from visit to visit. We had such fun in the summers that I didn’t want to leave. I got to eat pretty much whatever I wanted, we swam, we played kickball, we stayed up late, we got ice cream every night, we had a ball. My mom was the coolest person EVER. Boy did I have a lot to learn.

As I and my sister aged I began to really feel inferior to her. She had long pretty hair, she was so smart for her age, she spoke so clearly for her age, she was so pretty...even her name means beautiful. There is one instance burned in my brain that really solidified things for me. We were at my step-father’s company picnic and my mother had taken me and my sister to change from our bathing suits to our regular clothes as we were getting ready to leave. Two teenage girls came in the bathroom and were talking to my mom. They said, “Oh, she’s so pretty!” and then turned directly at me and said, “But not that one.” Ouch. I was probably only 8 or 9 but I remember it like it was yesterday. It’s not like I was never told that I was cute or pretty as a kid, but it’s the times that I was compared to (and felt inferior to) my sister that have stayed with me.

The summer that I was 10 or 11 my mom was preparing for her hysterectomy surgery. She was bleeding a lot and it was decided that her uterus had to go. I was given the task of caring for my younger siblings and making the coffee in the morning and packing my step-father’s lunch. I remember being told how to give my sister a bath and how to wash her beautiful hair and make sure I brushed it just right. Not long before her surgery she was in one of her moods and all us kids were playing in the living room. She came out of her room and took Bob by the hand (he was 3?) and said, “c’mon Bob, let’s go play with this loaded gun I found.” She walked into her room and shut the door. We didn’t take her seriously of course, but it was still not something we needed to hear or be exposed to.

When I was 12 and came to visit my mom I found out that she had “adopted” a 17-year-old girl named Jolie. They met in my mom’s GED class. This girl was a mess but it was not known for a few years just how much of a mess but that’s not something I want to get into. This girl was like my mom’s best friend. They did everything together...including trying to find someone for my mom to have an affair with. They picked someone that was married and had a 1-year-old little girl. My mom was friends with his wife. My mom actually arranged for us to be out of the house for when he came over during the day. He wasn’t there long and I overheard my mom and Jolie talking about it later. Apparently he couldn’t go through with it and my mom was pissed. I was beginning to understand my mother a little and since I didn’t like what I was learning, I chose to just ignore the bad and focus on the good. I found out years later that Jolie was the girl my older brother lost his virginity to (at 14 or 15). She also tried to hook up with the teenage boy down the street but he couldn’t go through with it because she put too much pressure on him and his performance. AND I heard a rumor that she slept with my oldest step-brother (Tom’s oldest son) and got pregnant but didn’t tell him he’s the father. Again, I hear the chants...Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Since the hook up with that guy didn’t work, my mom moved onto someone else. She denies it, but my eyes did not deceive me. I was walking down the street and I saw her in the foyer at one of my friend’s house. She was leaning very flirtily against the wall...and then leaning into a kiss with the man standing there with her...my friend’s dad. I couldn’t believe it. Especially when she denied it right to my face. I was 12, who was I to argue with her? I didn’t know what to do so I kept it to myself. Not the smartest but I didn’t want to be the one breaking up the family.

That was the summer she met Billy. Remember that name. He’s very important to the entire history (dysfunction) of this side of the family. He lived next door with his father, step-mother, half-brother and half-sister. He was in his early to mid-20’s. Tony asked if he could go to the store with him and my mother agreed, even though she had just met him. I remember them driving away in a black car. After that summer nothing else would ever be the same.

Catching Up

2011-06-21T13:12:00.000-04:00

I’ve been really busy this past week and I have slacked on writing and commenting. I don’t like to get behind...especially on my reading but I’m slowly getting caught up.

I was off Thursday and Friday in preparation for Father’s Day, the LG’s birthday, my SIL’s surprise birthday party and my sister’s wedding. The wedding will be a post all to itself as there is lots to get into about that side of my family.

I had to run around like a crazy person on Thursday morning to take the LG shopping for Father’s day and then get him back to his daycare so that he could go swimming with the other kids. I also had to find him something suitable to wear to the wedding. After that, I had to run around like crazy getting the LG’s gifts and order the balloons for my SIL’s party that night. I had enough time to get all the gifts unloaded from my truck, wrap the FD presents (more on that in a minute) and run back to the store to pick up the balloons and other trinkets that I purchased for the party. She turned 40 so it was a big deal. I then had to run over to the restaurant and help my BIL decorate and get the room ready. Then it was home for just over an hour and then change my clothes and head back to the restaurant for dinner. Whew! I was wiped out by the time we got home that night.

Friday morning was filled with packing for the trip to PA for the wedding and trying to get everything ready and make sure I had everything...dress, shoes, flowers, etc. Trying not to be too much of a panic machine (as I often am when trying to get 3 people ready to go on a trip) as that only adds stress and pisses BJ off. HE’S not the one running around packing 100 different things and the cooler and giving the cats extra food and water and unplugging things and so on and so forth. He just drinks his coffee and picks out his clothes. I hate last minute packing but have learned that with my husband, it’s all he knows.

We drove home after the reception (it actually wasn’t over yet but we had a long drive ahead of us) and didn’t get home until 10:45. We threw everything in the foyer and sat on the couch for a little while before all 3 of us headed to bed. We slept entirely too late on Sunday morning and just felt blah the whole day. We had a present opening bonanza with the LG opening his birthday gifts and BJ opening his FD gifts. I found some really cool camo wrapping paper but of course didn’t realize that the steamer and steamer pot were too much for the little roll of paper. As I was wrapping I had to go down to the basement and get another roll of regular paper. Lo and behold, that roll was almost finished, too! So BJ ended up with 3 different papers wrapping one of his boxes. Ha ha! It was rather comical on Sunday but not so much while I was rushing around on Thursday to get everything wrapped.

The LG’s mom came to get him around 2:00 and then BJ and I went in search of some crabs to steam for dinner. We steamed the crabs (tried to burn them by not getting them in the pot quickly enough and wasting the liquid/steam) and had them and pasta salad for dinner. It was a nice relaxing evening after so much running and rushing around over the past 4 days.

I then came back to work with 77 e-mails waiting for me to read. I have my work e-mail on my iPhone but there wasn’t much I could do with most of them from my phone so they all had to wait until Monday. I’m just now beginning to catch my breath from all of it.

I will get my post up about my sister’s wedding in the next day or so as it will be long. I will try to simplify everything as much as possible but there’s so much to say and to “let out” that it might actually end up being 2 posts. Some of it will come off like an episode of Jerry Springer, but hey, what can you do? You don’t pick your family, right? And you love them anyway...most of the time. :-)

Sharing

2011-06-14T12:45:00.000-04:00

I think I have mentioned this before but just in case anyone is wondering, I do not share well. What’s mine is pretty much mine and I don’t like to give it up...in any way shape or form. This does not include things like trying my dinner at a restaurant, sharing the covers or sharing a bottle of water with my husband. It’s more on a larger scale (or at least that is what I tell myself). Things like the candy in MY Easter basket is mine, right? Same goes with any present that I was given...it’s MINE. It sounds terrible and I’ve gotten better but I still don’t like to share. I hate it when someone sits at my desk on a day when I’m out; things like that.

When I was growing up I had a little brother that was 8 years younger than me. I think this is where my sharing issue comes from. I didn’t want him in my room because he would touch my stuff and it would end up broken or messed up or something. Not that I didn’t love my little brother or like to be around him, he was a toddler and he messed things up and I didn’t like it. My last post let you know how I love my things and how I like to take care of them and be careful with them. My little brother...not so much. I can almost always tell when something of mine has been moved; whether it’s on my desk at work or somewhere at home...If it’s not where I left it or where I think it should be, look out. I am going somewhere with this, thank you for your patience.

It’s so hard to share the Little Guy. I know I’ve been over this 100 times but sometimes the sharing really gets to me. He played in the Little League championship game last night (against his cousin) and they won! It was great. During the last few games of the season and through the playoffs (last night was game 3 of the playoffs) I have been sitting with another mom (the coach’s wife) and chatting and getting to know her better. I really like her. She’s my age, she’s a school nurse and she doesn’t take any crap from her kids or anyone else’s kids. She’s very into sports and that is enough for me to like her right there. We have been stressing together and cheering together and just basically being the CMS (Crazy Mom Section) at these last few games. Before sitting with her I would sit either by myself behind the backstop (I like to see if the pitches are really strikes :-) ) or with Other Woman (Little Guy’s mom). It’s been fine...until I started sitting with Jenny (Coach’s wife). She makes the games more fun because I have someone that is really paying attention with me and we are trying to calm each other’s nerves when one of our boys are either pitching or up to bat (she has 2 boys on the team).

At last night’s game, Other Woman sat with us. Not a big deal. The louder we all could be the better...the more exciting the game would be. We even had signs that another parent printed up. The LG hit a double off his cousin and subsequently got 2 RBI’s...I went nuts! He hasn’t had a great hit in quite a few games and he was due. The chatting and cheering continued and then the game was over. It was OW’s night to have the LG and the team was going to get ice cream afterward. BJ was starving and so was I as there is no time for dinner until after the game so I hadn’t eaten since lunch and it was almost 8:00. OW took LG to join the team. I was disappointed but it was fine. Until this morning.

I received an e-mail from OW asking for Jenny’s e-mail address. They got to talking at the ice cream place and meant to exchange addresses but forgot. I know this sounds petty and totally like Jr. High, but dammit, can’t I even have a “mom” friend without having to share her, too? I am not friends with any of the LG’s friends’ mothers and this was my chance, my IN...And now it’s time for OW to swoop in and take it from me. She knows a lot of the parents because she is able to go to the functions at the school during the day and she goes to his classroom for special events. She should, she’s his mother. Here was my chance...Jenny lives in our neighborhood so she’s just up the street...it was perfect. I could have a “mom” friend and we could get the boys together and hang out every now and then. Like I said, I know it’s petty and pathetic. I’m a grown up and I should stop acting so childish, but I can’t help it. I actually almost started crying when I read her request this morning. Can’t I just have anything that is just mine anymore? Do I have to share everything that deals with the LG? And now for the most childish statement out there...It’s just not fair.

I’m as petty as they get today and I just don’t care.

A Few of my Favorite Things

2011-06-13T13:17:00.002-04:00

I’m not much of a material girl, so to speak, but I do have certain things in my life that I really love. Some of these things are luxuries to many people which is a fact not lost on me. I am very fortunate to be able to have the things I have. I’ve always been the type to take pride in ownership. That is something I’m trying to teach the LG. I have listed some of my prize possessions below. Maybe you will learn a little about me after reading the list.

- My new vacuum. It’s a Eureka Smart Air (or something like that). Let me tell you...if you have pets (or even people) in your house you need to get this vacuum. I had a “pet hair” vacuum before and it’s nothing compared to this beauty. I need to empty it after just vacuuming the office and the foyer. And lest you think I’m just exaggerating, I vacuum the entire first floor once a week. The box claimed to suck better than the Dyson and even if it doesn’t, it does an amazing job. It was also over $200 cheaper than the Dyson. I cringe at the thought of what my old vacuum left behind.

- My DVR. I’ve mentioned it here several times in Happiness posts. I love the flexibility it grants us for our TV watching. We have some shows that can be cut down to 35 minutes so we tape them and start watching something trivial on HGTV or something and then go back to the show we are taping about half way through and rewind it. It’s the greatest way to watch TV. And if you watch sports, like I do, and the announcers don’t go back and show you a play that you want to see, just rewind that sucker till your heart’s content.

- My Crocs. I have 2 pair. One pair I’ve had since the Spring of 2007. They are old and really need a good cleaning but they are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned. I wear them all Summer long and into the Fall. My other pair were purchased last Summer. They are a little more dressy in appearance so I feel better wearing them to work. They are black and gray and have a heel. So comfy...it’s like walking on a marshmallow. Totally worth the money. I am not a good shoe shopper so to find these wonderful shoes that I can wear for almost half the year is really a good thing.

- My Kindle. I’ve raved about it before on my blog but it really is one of my favorite things. I’ve had it a year and a half and I’ve read close to 40 books. I have a lot of time to read during my long commute on the bus and so I can get through a book pretty quickly. The Kindle is so light and easy to hold with one hand. I read fiction novels and I’ll get more into my reading habits another time, but having the Kindle has been a wonderful thing. It was a very thoughtful Christmas gift from my husband 2 Christmases ago.

- My iPhone. Yes, I’m a techie kind of gal. Another Christmas gift from my husband (this past year). I don’t have a lot of apps on my phone but I really use the ones I have. I have several words with friends (scrabble) games going (including one with the LG), the weather, an air horn, the NHL app, all the Angry Birds games, a talking robot (he cracks me up), google reader and a few more. This is another device that keeps me entertained during my commuting. I love the camera this phone has since I’m a picture taker by nature. And the fact that I can post any picture that I take to FB within mere minutes is awesome in my world. I also love the built in iPod that it has...love having music with me all the time. In the winter, when I take hot baths, I just put it on shuffle and set it on the counter. It makes soaking in the tub not so boring.

The Power of Music

2011-06-08T10:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes song lyrics can really stick with me. There are some songs that make me think of certain situations I’ve been in or of a certain time in my life. I have some very vivid memories of songs and/or videos from my youth. I can tell you all about the first time I heard Sweet Child O’ Mine by GNR. I can tell you the first time I heard Please Don’t Go Girl by the New Kids (I was a blockhead for a while). I can tell you what scene a song played during in some movies...especially my all-time favorite movie, Dirty Dancing. Some songs make me very happy to hear and others make me cry because they bring up memories of something painful like a lost loved one or a broken heart.

I heard a Kenny Chesney song on the radio the other day that I haven’t heard in a long time. It’s a song that used to make me tear up because it reminded me of my dad and our relationship and it would make me miss him (he’s still alive, just lives far away from me). That song made me tear up for a much different reason the other day. The song is There Goes My Life. If you haven’t heard it, it’s about a young man that gets his girlfriend/wife pregnant when they aren’t really ready. At different stages of her growing up he says the lines that go something like this:

There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life.......

I used to think of my dad during that song and how he might have felt when he found out my mom was knocked up with me and then about how he fought for me when they split and then about how he might have felt when I eventually moved out to live with my mom. It’s a very touching song when thought of like that.

Now all I can think about is that chorus and how it sums up how I’m feeling now...about myself and my own future. It sucks to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like my future is over. I have so much life yet to live (knock on wood) and I don’t want to spend it depressed and sad about what I don’t have. I know I’ll get to a point where I will stop dwelling on our loss and I’ll really be able to focus on the future, I just wish I were at that point now. I must think of how much I want to be pregnant at least 20 times a day. I really need something else to focus on but I’m finding it difficult to be interested in much of anything.

I’m doing better for the most part, I really am. It might not seem like it by this post but each day brings me an inch or so closer to acceptance. I have my down moments that can be triggered by anything as simple as a country song to the more blatant things like hearing the neighbor’s 2 month old crying while I’m picking weeds out of my flower bed.

Anyway, I just wanted to come here and let out a little emotion and some of the thoughts inside this crazy head of mine. Thank you all for your understanding and encouraging words. You never fail to make me feel better and “ok” about myself. And I promise that if I feel like I’m slipping away or falling down too far I will seek some help, either with a therapist/counselor or the mighty powerful antidepressant.

Oh, and for anyone keeping track...CD1 was Sunday, right on time. I hate how predictable AF can be when my ovaries have nothing good to give me.

Lost

2011-06-03T12:22:00.000-04:00

Isn’t it ironic how positive we can sometimes be when leaving comments on other people’s blogs and then turn right around and fill our own pages with buckets of sadness, negativity and depression? Well, that’s what I’m about to do. I left a comment earlier today on a blog stating that I try not to be a “downer” on my own blog too much...blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.

I feel so totally lost right now. I’m not lost in Limboland because that would mean that I’m in between certain situations or events. There’s no limbo involved in deciding (being forced) to stop TTC. It’s pretty final. And it pretty much sucks ass.

I don’t know how to be the woman that is not TTC. I’ll admit that there have been periods of time that I didn’t chart or temp or use opk’s, but I always paid attention to my CM and counted the days to when I thought ovulation would happen and I tried to plan our sex life around those times. I didn’t look at my fertility calendar until earlier this week to figure out when my period would be starting. I never felt myself ovulate so I have no idea where things are in my cycle right now. All of that feels foreign to me...not knowing when I ovulate? Yeah, right. I can usually give you the time of day.

I have done a little bit of research into government trials regarding IVF. I don’t even qualify for any of the local programs because I’ve had 2 failed IVF’s (the one that was cancelled and the BFN in 2009) and I didn’t/don’t produce a minimum of 8 eggs. Many of the other programs/trials are taking place in countries with names that I can’t even pronounce. Dead end again.

I checked the balance of my 401k yesterday as I have not looked at it in quite a while. I told BJ how much was in it and he said, “cool....take out $X and we can get our pool...or empty it and we can get our pool and a baby.” I looked him dead in the face and said, “Don’t think I haven’t already thought of that.” Then he talked reason into me and said that I’d have no retirement if we did that and that 11 years of saving would be gone. I know he’s right and that our future financial situation is very important to us and I don’t think I’d ever really empty my account....but I’ve thought about it.

I’ve thought about anything and everything I can to get my hands on the money for a donor egg program and I keep coming up empty handed. There’s nothing left to do. There is no stone left to turn over. This is the end of the line.

Each day I get up and I go through the motions. I laugh and I smile but it’s not as genuine as it should be. When BJ and I hug or snuggle all I can think about is how badly I want a baby for us. I don’t dare say it out loud for fear that hearing myself say it will trigger a sob-fest.

Only recently have I begun to enjoy food again. I eat because I have to and because it’s in front of me. I’d say in the last week I’ve really started enjoying certain things again...like really savoring the taste. Mostly though, it’s just food and I just keep putting it in my mouth. I’m sleeping fine and I don’t feel tired during the day, which is always good. However, I still just feel like I’m wandering...with no purpose and no destination. I know I have a future but now I know what will not be in it. I don’t like knowing that we are done. I don’t like knowing that there won’t be a baby. I liked it better when I thought that maybe a miracle could happen on its own since there was no real diagnosis. Now that I have a diagnosis all that miracle stuff has just flown out the window.

I put my best foot forward and I keep on going but I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just lost and wandering right now. I’ve always had a plan for if and when but now that I know that if and when turned into never, I don’t know where to go.

Happiness Is...

2011-06-02T15:01:00.002-04:00

- Corn on the cob. I love corn on the cob, especially since we learned how to boil fresh corn ourselves last summer. I’m not much of a culinary expert so when I finally figure out that I can do things on my own in the kitchen, I’m pretty happy about it.

- The heat advisory was lifted. I love the hot weather, but not so hot that it’s hard to breathe outside.

- Our lilies are blooming very nicely...the ones we transplanted from the front of our porch to around our mailbox. They look so nice with the coral colored drift roses that I can’t help but smile at them every time I turn onto our street.

- The LG is having a baseball game “under the lights” tomorrow night. Game time is not until 7:00 and there will be an announcer there to announce the starting lineup (which basically means all the kids will get to hear their name announced over the PA system). We are very excited and need to remember to bring the bug spray.

- My little Gizmo climbing up on the couch 2 different times last night to get loved on and to lay with me for a few minutes. He’s not a snuggle cat, as much as we tried to make him one, so these times when he seeks us out to lay with us on the couch are treasured moments.

- Getting on the scale at my appointment last week and being pleasantly surprised by the fact that I am 2 pounds lighter than the last time I was weighed a few months ago. Smaller scale numbers are enough to make anyone happy.

Knowing What I Know Now

2011-06-01T11:34:00.000-04:00

I had a very brief stint at being pregnant...I made it to almost 5 weeks. By most people’s standards they probably wouldn’t even consider that a pregnancy. However, I do.

In the time that I was pregnant I noticed a few things about myself. We, as Infertiles, probably notice more changes in ourselves than the average fertile woman. At least, that has been my experience over the years. We notice every little thing; it’s almost an obsession with us. I’m ok with that. At least I was until I lost my pregnancy.

Knowing what I know now has changed how I pay attention to my body. I’m not happy about it, either. I’m on CD25 today and I can’t even begin to tell you the Hell I am putting myself through.

I now know how fatigued I should be.

I now know how my breasts should feel.

I now know how my nose should react to certain smells.

I now know that I should be grossed out by tomatoes.

I’m searching for these things....constantly. I hate that I’m doing this to myself. I hate that I have had thoughts like:

Sometimes your body needs a pregnancy to kick it into gear.

Sometimes people that suffer a miscarriage get pregnant shortly thereafter.

I’ve read at least 6 (probably more) blog stories where women have either a) given up trying, b) quit trying due to RPL, c) failed an IVF, d) just got done with an IVF consult, e) was about to go to the fertility clinic for the first time or f) moved onto donor eggs only to get pregnant NATURALLY and on their own. These are really inspiring stories and I couldn’t be more amazed at the miracles that have happened. The only problem is that these stories give me hope. As I said yesterday, I want to be done with hope.

I want to just move on and forget (get over) my desire to birth a child and be a mother. I want to stop thinking that “it could happen to me”. The likelihood that it will ever happen is pretty much 0% as evident by my long track record. Unless we win the lottery, there will be no more medical intervention so I can count that out as well.

Knowing what I know now makes it harder on me I think. Not only am I trying to figure out if my boobs are sore because of a pregnancy. They were more than sore; they felt very different on the outside. Every time I bite into a tomato I’m hoping that it makes me want to puke. When we walked into 5 Guys on Sunday I was praying that the smell would make me gag. None of this is happening of course. I’m not experiencing anything, really, not even AF symptoms at this point.

BJ and I had some adult fun last night and he said, “We probably missed your time didn’t we?” And I said, “oh yeah, it’s way past ovulation....but I’m not tracking anything anymore so I don’t know exactly when it happened.” Then he said. “Yeah, I guess there’s no point, right?” And I said, “yeah, no point.”

My brain knows that it’s not going to happen. The really sucky part is that my heart has yet to learn how to let go. One month ago today is when I saw that beautiful 2nd pink line. Even though only 1 month has gone by, it feels like an eternity since I was that happy. I’m definitely better than I was but I have a long way to go. Knowing what I know now is not making it any easier to give up hope. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep remembering all the good things I have in my life and that my life is not over...it’s just different now.

The Latest and Greatest

2011-05-31T16:22:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone (those that celebrate) enjoyed their Memorial Day weekend. For the most part, mine was good. We were let out of work early Friday so I was able to head home at 2:00! Saturday morning was filled with running the LG up to get his hair cut, hitting the grocery store and running to the bank. I found such a great deal on corn on the cob...6 ears of corn for .99! We bought 12 since my SIL and her family was coming for dinner. We also bought a seedless watermelon for 2.99...way cool. After the errands were run, I started preparing the dessert (Chex muddy buddies) and then made the Italian Chicken Salad and then had about ½ an hour to chill before they arrived.

Our poor niece broke her elbow Thursday! She’s almost 4 and showed up at the door with a pink cast. It was so sad but she handled herself very well. The visiting and the eating all went very well. Everyone had a great time. We only had one scare when the 2 boys were riding their bikes and carelessly ran right into one another. Thankfully they were wearing helmets but J (the younger nephew at 7) scraped his elbow pretty badly and needed some Aunt TeeJay doctoring. The older nephew ended up spending the night, which we figured would happen. Everyone left at almost 10:00pm! A very long day indeed.

Sunday morning consisted of making chocolate chip puffins (pancake muffins) from this website. They are so good! We ate the whole batch. They make a great sweet snack or you could have them with home fries and eggs as a real breakfast. They are sweet enough to where we really don’t need syrup with them. I haven’t made them without the chocolate chips yet but I might, just to make them more “breakfasty”. We hung out at home for a while and then headed to 5 Guys for lunch and then took the nephew home.

The LG had a book report due that he had to spend the rest of the afternoon and into the evening working on (long story) so BJ and I hung out and I read and we watched some TV while the LG worked. His mom came and picked him up Monday morning to take him swimming at a campground so BJ and I had the day to ourselves. He washed his truck and I tended to our landscaping. It was so darn hot outside. We were only out there for a little over an hour but it was exhausting. We decided to go and get some steamed crabs for lunch at a waterfront restaurant about 30 minutes from our house. The crabs were so good. BJ could eat them every weekend but I have to put my foot down as they are very expensive by the dozen. I told him to invest in our own steamer and we could save hundreds of dollars each summer.

The highlight of the weekend was making our hotel reservations for Myrtle Beach over Labor Day weekend! I finally made BJ focus on it and we nailed down the dates and booked our room. We are taking the LG and we’re staying at the same place that we did when we got married. I’m very excited about this trip. And believe it or not, we got a great deal on the hotel. We are staying in a one bedroom, ocean front condo with a full kitchen for 4 nights and paying just over $600 for it (that included all our taxes and fees and the $15 cancellation insurance)! How cool is that? The LG will miss 2 days of school which was not my first choice, but he should only have 1 night of homework and 2 days of class work to make up. I’m sure it won’t be that bad since it’s a holiday weekend.

Even with all of this going on, I’m still thinking about how I would be (should be) 8 weeks pregnant right now. I’m so glad we booked this trip. I know that I’d rather countdown to a vacation than keep counting up the weeks I should be pregnant. BJ and I were talking last night about something about our house and he was talking about what we’d do if I had a baby and then he said, well unless you have twins. I told him that twins would still stay in the same bedroom together until they were older and he disagreed and said that they would need their own room. And I said that plenty of siblings share rooms growing up and ours could too...unless we had one of each sex. The conversation drifted elsewhere after that, I don’t exactly remember how we got off the topic. In my head I kept wondering why we would even be talking about it....we both know it’s not going to happen, why torture ourselves with these conversations? I guess Hope has not fully left the building. I don’t want to have hope anymore. Hope sucks the life right out of me and I’m sick of it. For some reason, though, it must still be there, even if ever so slightly. This post is long enough but it leaves a good segue for my next post so I’ll just end for now.

I really hope everyone had a chance to celebrate our military heroes this weekend in one way or another and I hope you were able to enjoy your families and your friends as we did ours.

The Annual Exam

2011-05-27T12:01:00.000-04:00

After a few reschedules (twice by them and once by me) and a plan to call for an appointment after my positive beta to set up my 10 week appointment (that was never to be), I actually had my annual gynecological exam yesterday.

I decided to see the nurse practitioner whom I’m never met because my regular doctor didn’t have any openings for an annual exam until August. I was way overdue (supposed to go in March) so I decided to skip the regular doctor. I made the right choice. My doctor is very quick and straight to the point and doesn’t really leave a lot of time for chatting or being emotional (like I was). I knew I needed to try something different.

I parked my truck and started heading for the building entrance. I was overcome by a heavy sadness and my eyes filled with tears. I wasn’t supposed to be here for a few more weeks...and I was supposed to be pregnant at my first visit...with a list of questions and forms to fill out and maybe even a chance at hearing a heartbeat. Instead, I’m walking into another appointment with an empty uterus. I thought for sure the waiting room would be filled with pregnant bellies and babies. To my delight, there were only 2 pregnant women and only one of them had a “baby” belly. The other one looked, to put it lightly, like she could have just been plump. She was wearing a maternity top and her boyfriend/husband was with her.

I was called back pretty quickly, which I love. I changed into the sexy white paper vest and hopped up on the table with my cozy white sheet. I’m glad she came in pretty soon after that because the literature in the office was upsetting me...all about babies and pregnancies.

She sat down and started asking me questions. She had never seen me before so I think she wanted to “get to know me” better. When she opened the floor for me to disclose any problems I may be having, I started with the dreaded, “I have infertility issues”.

Doc – I see that (as she flips through papers on her clip board)
Me – we did an IVF in April and it was semi-successful...I miscarried around 5 weeks.

I tried to hold it together as best I could and I think I did a pretty good job. However, with saying that out loud to her I could not stop the tears from coming. They welled up in my eyes as she took notes.

Doc – are you going to be doing any more cycles or treatments?
Me – unable to speak for fear of losing all control and sobbing in front of her...I just shook my head “no”

As she was writing more notes I pulled myself together and said, “It costs too much money.” She agreed that indeed it does.

Then she asked me if I had to have a D&C. Nope
Then she asked me if I knew why it happened. I’m pretty sure I have bad eggs.

I rehashed the cancelled cycle 2 years ago and then the cycle with just 2 embryos and then this cycle with the “not very good” embryos.

She was very soft spoken and she knew I was pretty upset so she kept her questions to a minimum, which I appreciate.

Then the exam started and it was pretty routine. She was pretty gentle and nice about things, which is always good. She wasn’t in a hurry like my doctor usually is so it was nice to feel like she cared about what I was telling her. She said that everything looked and felt good and to let her know if I have any issues with anything. I checked out, made my appointment for next year (with her) and left.

I felt emotionally exhausted when I got home but didn’t really get a chance to dwell on it as we had the LG’s baseball game to go to. They lost in the last inning...the winning run was scored off a pitch by the LG. I felt so bad for him but told him that the reason the kid got the hit was because he (LG) was pitching strikes, right over the plate and that is something to be proud of.

PS - thank you everyone for helping me through my feelings yesterday. It's hard to love a child so much and give so much of myself to him all the while knowing that his loyalty for all things "mom" are to his real mother (as it should be, of course). Sometimes it's a lot to take in. I'm going to savor all of my time with him and just do my best to keep our relationship good and honest and I know everything will turn out fine.

Feeling Like a Fraud

2011-05-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, I’m a step parent. The LG (Little Guy) came into my life not long after he turned 4. I love him dearly. He’s almost 10 now...unbelievable. Being a step parent is not without challenges. Parenting of any form has challenges. He is with us 50% of the time and that boils down to every other day during the week and then every other weekend (F, S, S). It’s nice to have the pattern and to see him so much. I will write more about step parenting on this blog in the future but right now I want to address why being a step parent makes me feel like a fraud.

I’m very involved in the LG’s life. I don’t know how not to be. It’s very easy for me to fall into a parenting roll when he’s with us. I worry about him all the time. I worry if kids at school are picking on him because of his slight speech impairment (he has trouble with the letter R). I worry about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep and what he’s eating and drinking. I worry that something is wrong when he sleeps late on the weekend. He’s a heart patient and his doctor says that he’s the picture of health, but still....I worry.

I also do other “motherly” things. I cook for him, I pack his lunch, I do his laundry, I help with homework, I try to teach him things, I hug him when he’s sad, I laugh at his silly jokes, I attend some school functions, I go to school meetings, I go to all sporting events, I scrapbook for him, I buy him clothes and toys, I take him out to eat and to the movies and to hockey games. I also do the not so fun things like tell him to hurry up and eat his dinner because it’s getting late, tell him to scoop the litter, to clean his bathroom, to throw his trash away, to put his clothes in the laundry basket...all those things that his future wife will thank me for later. Basically, I’m trying to teach him to be responsible, courteous of others, have some initiative and how to be independent. These things are not easy to accomplish since his mother does not make him do much of anything. That is a topic for another post.

When I’m at a scrapbooking event and people ask me about my pictures I have to say that the child in them is my stepson. I sometimes wonder if they think it’s strange that I have so many photos of him and that I’m taking such pride in making the scrapbook when he’s not “my” child. I wonder if they think I’m going a little overboard since he’s not “mine”. I wonder if they think it’s odd that I’m doing this for him instead of “just having my own”. If only they knew.

When I do all of these things, I feel like a Mom. I feel the love, the pride, the angst, the worry, the disappointment (sometimes), the joy, the excitement...all of it. But he’s not mine. He never will be. I wonder if I'm too attached. Am I too involved? Am I stepping over my bounds as a step parent? I wonder how his mother feels sometimes when she knows how involved I am. I know that if I were in her shoes I’d be happy that someone loved my child but I’d also want her back off a little (a lot??) sometimes.

I have all these parenting duties and feelings and then time and time again I’m slapped in the face with the fact that he’s not mine and that I’m not his mother. It’s like I’m playing House and pretending to be the Mom. The LG loves me, I know that. He’s very sweet and very affectionate and when BJ and I are playing around (wrestling) he comes to my defense. We are allies when BJ is in one of his moods and we stick together when one of us is feeling down and out. He never intentionally makes me feel like I’m second best, but I know that I am. He has a mother. She is very involved in his life, too, of course. I’m glad that she is but at the same time it just kills me to be the 3rd wheel of the parenting vehicle.

I had a very bitter sweet moment a couple of weeks ago when his mother was out of town. There was an event at school for kids and their moms. Since she was not available, he asked me to go. I was thrilled to be there. I also felt very out of place. There were moms and kids all around us and I knew I didn’t really belong and the only reason I was there was because the real mom was away.

Sometimes when the 3 of us are out together everyone assumes that he is mine. We have almost the same color hair and we both have blue eyes so it’s a natural assumption. People will say, “and what is mom having?” or “how does his hair look, mom?” (when he’s getting a haircut). Sometimes I ‘fess up but other times it’s just easier to go with the flow. I’ve explained my reasoning to him about why I don’t always tell people and he’s ok with it, or so he says. In the back of my mind I’m wishing that I never had to confess the truth.

I feel like a fake. I feel like I have no right to be so involved and so attached and so invested in this child. However, I just can’t help myself. I love him and I care about him and for him and who he is and who he will become. He will be the only child I will ever get the chance to parent. There are times when I tell myself that I’m going to take a step (or 10) back and just let BJ do the parenting. That doesn’t usually last very long because I just can’t seem to help myself.

And the burning question is: Would I still have all of these feelings if I were able to have or already had my own child? Would I be as attached to him? Would I be as involved? Would I feel like such a fraud if I mothered him right along with mothering my own child? That is another post waiting to be written.

More Randoms

2011-05-25T12:59:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to get myself together for a real post, so here is another jumble of thoughts and happenings. Thank you all for the birthday and anniversary wishes. It wasn't an easy time but it was still nice to be off work and spend the extra time with my family, and for that I am grateful.

• I had virtually eliminated caffeine from my diet during my 2ww. I’m not a coffee drinker but I like an ice cold diet cola at least once a day and when we go to dinner I usually get tea. I didn’t have access to a caffeine free soda one day while at work so I bought a regular bottled one and had a very small amount out of it, just to quench my craving. I put the lid on really tight and planned to take it home to BJ. I left it in my locker all this time. I opened it today and wouldn’t you know it still had its fizz after all this time? I wish I still had my fizz.

• The LG’s mother and her live in boyfriend of almost 3 years are splitting up. He’ll be moving out this weekend....into the basement of his ex (they were together for 14 years) and her girlfriend. Yes, you read that right...she left him for a woman and now he’s going to be living with them. He’ll get to see his kids every day and that is a great thing. Unfortunately, this almost eliminates his oldest son from hanging out with the LG. The LG idolizes/worships this boy. He’s 2 years older than the LG and the LG really “fell” for him. Even going as far as listing him as his step-brother on FB. It’s going to be a rough transition for him (LG). They will still see each other here and there, I guess, but it will definitely not be the same by any stretch of the imagination. Poor LG. The good thing is that he is with us this weekend and so he won’t be around to see the boyfriend moving out and his mother upset. The boyfriend is definitely nowhere near as close to the LG as I am so that is a good thing, too, I guess.

• We are having my SIL and her family over Saturday afternoon. I’m making an Italian Chicken Pasta Salad (thanks for the recipe, Nanci!! I finally made it a couple of weeks ago and we all loved it) We will be grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and I’m sure the boys will want to spend the night so we’ll see where it takes us. I’m looking forward to it as the more chaos there is the more my mind is taken away from my pain. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

• I was going to post on FB how shocked and pleased I was when my mother called me for my birthday but I didn’t. I knew it would spark major drama with my sister and brother and that is a shitstorm I didn’t want to start. Just to let it be known here, I am so grateful that my mom called me. I miss her so much and even though I know she wouldn’t be particularly at all comforting during this time, it would still have been nice to have her here to hug me and let me cry to her.

• I’m thinking of changing the name and the focus of my blog. I’m not sure what type of blog I will have now, but it won’t be a TTC blog as we are not trying anymore. (It kills me to type those words) I’m thinking of making this a focus on my family history...sort of an autobiography. I don’t know. There’s lots to tell and lots of pain to work through so I know I can fill the pages. Plus, we all know how wordy I can be. :-)

• I have been unable to throw away the last few Endometrin tablets on my bathroom counter. I have also not thrown away the empty boxes of Gonal-F and Menopur. It doesn’t really hurt to look at them for some reason. It actually brings a sort of comforting feeling. I know that probably sounds strange but it’s true. I also have a wonderful necklace (I’ll try to remember to post a picture of it) that was sent to me by one of my bloggy buddies (Thank you Esperanza!!) that I keep propped up on my bathroom counter. I look at it every morning and evening and think about what I had and it also brings me a sort of comfort. I look at the center part of the necklace and think about the soul that it represents and it makes me feel more connected in some way. BJ doesn’t quite understand this concept and that’s ok...he’s not the one that had the embryo inside of him. He’s not the one that was completely exhausted. He’s not the one that was sickened by tomatoes. He’s not the one that has been dreaming of a pregnancy for over 10 years. I forgive him this as he does not fully understand my pain. He lost something, but it didn’t change anything physically for him and he told me more than once that he would not believe it or get excited about it until it was confirmed viable by the doctor. I know he hurts for me more than he hurts for himself right now. I get that and I accept that.

• I have been enjoying reading the updates of the many new mommies out there. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief (as I know they do) that they have babies now...and some have more than one baby! I love seeing the pictures and knowing the joy that these women/families are now experiencing after such long roads of heartache and disappointment. Even though some of the posts are hard for me to get through, I use their joy as sort of a catalyst for myself. How can I feel sad after reading such great updates and looking at such wonderful pictures of perfect little miracles? That’s not to say that I’m not jealous or envious, but it doesn’t make me cry, it makes me smile a little and that is a good thing these days.

I'm Still Here

2011-05-24T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone. Sorry I have been out of touch lately. I was off work last week and sitting with the laptop on my lap just didn't seem appealing. I have quite a few posts from you all that I need to catch up on as well as my commenting. I definitely slacked on that last week, too. I like to take all or at least part of that week off in May each year. My birthday was Wednesday and our anniversary was Friday. Plus, the weather is usually really nice during that time. I'm working on about 8 posts in my head but for now I'm going to try and give you a brief (ha ha) rundown of how things have been going lately.

The Little Guy's mother went camping for almost a week in Dover. She and her boyfriend love the races and they usually go to 4 or 5 races a year. During this time she missed 2 of his baseball games. He was in the lineup to pitch again. He did a great job. He even struck someone out! We were so excited. I sent a couple of texts to his mother to give her updates. He didn't hit great that game but was very proud of himself for his pitching, as he should be.

I went to a scrapbooking crop (an event to work on scrapbooks) and finished 32 pages. I didn't do much talking to the other participants because they were talking about their dogs and their kids and their extracurricular activities and I just didn't feel like I had a lot to contribute. I chimed in here and there with stories about the LG but I feel like such a fraud when I do that. One of my upcoming posts will be more on that feeling. I ordered a special edition album for myself just in case our IVF worked and I ended up having a little girl. The order was placed while I was stimming, I think. When I saw it on the table I got a little choked up. It will now be a gift for my SIL for her birthday next month.

We found out that the LG's teacher has leukemia. She's being treated at one of the best hospitals around. We noticed that he was having a substitute quite often so we were wondering what was up. At a meeting at the school (second beta day) the Vice Principal told us she was having health issues and we didn't push the matter. The LG's mom called me the next day with the diagnosis. She knows someone that volunteers at the school a lot that spilled the beans. It's very sad and it really lets us know that no one is immune from illness. I'm hoping that she gets the treatment that will save her. I don't want to tell the LG any bad news about his teacher.

My birthday was Wednesday and it passed without too much fan fare, which I'm fine with. Besides the fact that I lost our baby 2 weeks before, it was my 35th birthday. My cutoff date for any more trying. Needless to say I wish the day never happened this year. BJ forgot what day it was until after 2:00 (and after 3 phone conversations) when he called me and was very apologetic. He knew it was my birthday but with me being off and not talking about it, it slipped his mind. My mother even called me. I about fell out of my chair. My dad called, of course. More on that later, too. My SIL stopped by with a card, a balloon and a rose bush for me to plant. I was thrilled that she remembered. I am very lucky to have her. I baked cupcakes for the first time ever. I just made the cake mix out of the box and the icing out of the container but they were so yummy. I even bought a piping bag and tips and frosted them! Go me! We went to dinner and then it was just an evening on the couch.

The LG went 4 for 4 at his game Thursday with a double. It was very exciting. It definitely boosted his confidence even more.

Our 4th wedding anniversary was Friday. BJ was going to take off but he had a meeting in Annapolis at 1:00 that he could not miss. :-( As he was driving up there he called me and I said that he should have come back home to pick me up so we could hang together after his meeting. He promptly turned around and drove 30 minutes backwards to come and get me. He came in the door and said, "we should pack a bag in case we want to stay somewhere up there." BRILLIANT idea. I've never thrown an overnight bag together so quickly in my life. We headed up there and he had his meeting and we hit the mall. We browsed for a while and I saw a Pottery Barn Kids and decided to head in there to see if there was anything cool for the LG's room. As I was looking around at the kid stuff I turned and saw that BJ had found a nice rocker/glider to sit in. I walked over to him and he said, "you ought to try this". My eyes started darting around to the back of the store and I noticed that BJ was sitting in front of a crib and all of a sudden my chest got tight and I didn't know where to look to avoid all the baby stuff that we had stumbled upon. I said, "no...I need to leave this store now." He looked around and noticed the crib and agreed with me. When will this stop hurting so much? We decided not to stay up there because even the Holiday Inn Express wanted almost $200 for the night. We came home and showered and headed to Outback to use a gift card I had. Our neighbors were there...the ones that supposedly don't like or want kids. She pulls out a photo album and it's full of pictures of her newborn nephew. I smile and get tears in my eyes as I'm flipping the pages. One of BJ's coworkers is there, also. His wife comes over with pictures of their new granddaughter. REALLY??? Have I not suffered enough? As I'm staring at each picture I just can't believe that I will never have one of these beautiful beings. She looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I said, "yes, I'm just enjoying the pictures." Liar.

The weekend was filled with removing all of our front landscaping, tilling it, tilling around the mailbox, shopping for plants, digging holes, mixing dirt, planting and spreading mulch. We live in an area that is mostly filled with clay. Clay that you could make sculptures out of. Needless to say, BJ had a really hard time digging all those holes. Poor thing. We are not finished yet but enough is done to where we don't have to do anything this weekend unless we want to.

There's more to update but this post has gotten long enough so I'll close with that. Thank you everyone for being there and thinking of me. I will be catching up with all of you over the next couple of days.

Happiness Is...

2011-05-12T12:45:00.000-04:00

- The Little Guy pitching in his first game last week. He threw 4 or 5 strikes and walked a few batters so he wasn’t happy with himself so we did our best to tell him how proud we all are of him. He said he was afraid of hitting someone (like he did in practice) but he didn’t and we told him that he should be proud of accomplishing that goal. Even though his debut was on Thursday (the day of the official phone call about the end of my pregnancy) it was so much fun to watch him and cheer for him and try to calm him down when we could tell that he was getting frustrated. I can’t wait for him to pitch again.

- The weather lately. In our area of the country we have a habit of getting about 2 weeks of Spring and then it jumps straight to hot and humid Summer temperatures. This year we are definitely having a Spring. It’s been in the low 70’s for about a week now and even though we’ve had some pretty chilly days, it’s nice to make a slow transition to Summer.

- Strawberries and fruit dip for an after dinner snack. The fruit dip is really easy to make and it’s not that bad for you even though it tastes like it is. Just mix one tub of cool whip lite with most of the contents of a container of blueberry yogurt. It’s best to let the cool whip soften in the fridge for a while before mixing. And I guess you could add the whole container of yogurt but I don’t. Then just dip the berries (any berries, really) in the mixture and enjoy. Everyone loves it when I make it for get togethers.

- Rubbing the tummy of my Gizmo. He’s the sweetest little cat. When I come out of our bedroom in the morning he’s waiting for me and he throws himself down on the floor to expose that soft fluffy belly and just lets me rub and rub and rub. He rolls back and forth and meows and squeaks....it’s great. He does this when I come home from work on most days, too. He purrs so loudly and just looks at me with big loving eyes....melts my heart.

- Writing this post. It’s not easy right now to come up with happy things but there are things that make me smile and I do have things to get out of bed for every day. I have a job, a car, a house, a husband, a step son, my parents, other extended family, kitties and my overall health. All things to be happy about.

The Physical Side

2011-05-11T15:36:00.000-04:00

There are some definite emotional aspects of losing a pregnancy; I think we can all agree on that. Some of them I was prepared for, others not so much. Today, however, I want to talk a little bit about the physical aspects of what I am going through. Some of this is because I have stopped all the meds but the changes are still changes no matter the reason. I need to give a voice to some of these things and my blog is the perfect place to unload. I promise that not all of my posts will be downer posts but right now I’m a bit overwhelmed with my feelings and I don’t have the ability to let it out in my everyday life.

One of the first physical changes I have noticed is that I’m not nearly as tired as I was before. I miss the tiredness.

I’m not sickened by tomatoes anymore. This symptom was rather exciting to experience. I’ve read about and heard 100 stories about people that can’t eat one thing or another that used to be their favorite and it was really cool to have that happen to me. I wish tomatoes still made me feel sick.

I’ve had some really painful cramps with this period. There were a few times that I had to catch my breath because it felt like someone was stabbing my ovary or my uterus with a machete. This pain was tough to deal with as I knew it didn’t mean good things were happening in that part of my body.

As of this morning, my boobs have quit hurting. Mind you, they have been pretty damn sore since about the 3rd day of my birth control pills. The pain eased up a little after retrieval but then promptly started aching like crazy again shortly thereafter. I don’t think they actually had time to grow but they sure felt a bit more “solid” through this whole thing. I miss the boob pain. The pain was the last trace of physical evidence that I had that my body tried to create a life.

I am pad/panty liner free as of a few hours ago. I had been wearing a panty liner since the day after retrieval because of the progesterone suppositories. I was irritated by them and I was sick of oozing but I was hoping to have to wear them for several more weeks. I still needed them after I stopped the meds as there was some residual “exiting” going on. Then the period came.

My period was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it would be. I guess it’s true when they say a lot of early pregnancies terminate themselves ever before the woman knows she’s pregnant. I sure couldn’t tell that I had been on extra E2 or that my ute was trying to fill up for a baby. The period started Sunday morning and was pretty much gone by Tuesday morning, aside from some spotting. So this morning I took my liner off.

I had a rough evening last night. It was baseball practice night so BJ and the Little Guy were not home when I got there and it was my job to cook dinner. I reached to get the pot for the spaghetti noodles and saw the mail on the counter. It was only 2 things and as I picked up the first item I was sucker punched when I saw what the second thing was. It was a brochure from our local hospital. The front cover had a mom and her newborn and the words, “Thinking of having a baby?” I stared at it for a second and then promptly picked it up, tore it in half and threw it in the trash. I was so angry at BJ for leaving it there. My anger and hurt eventually built to a boiling point. When the Little Guy went up to take a shower I started crying. I couldn’t stop, I could barely catch my breath. BJ came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told him that it just really hurts and it gets to be too much sometimes. And he had the nerve to ask me “what does?”. I couldn’t speak. And then he said, “the baby thing?”. All I could do was nod. How could this man be so blind? He gave me a hug and I cried for a few minutes. I am shocked at how quickly he has recovered and apparently forgotten what just happened to us, to me. I told him it was really hard to come home and see that flyer from the hospital and he said he meant to throw it away. Really? The trashcan is about 5 feet from where he laid it down on the counter. I obviously can’t share my grief with him. He’s shown that he’s not emotionally available to me. I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good at dealing with people that grieve but I thought it would be different this time considering he lost something too. I was afraid of what a BFN would do to our relationship and now I’m even more afraid of what this loss will do. I’m too emotional and too raw right now to have to worry about my marriage so I’m just going to do my best to suck it up when I’m around him and do my grieving in private and on my blog. I love him too much to even think about losing him too.

A better post is coming tomorrow, I promise. There are other things going on in my life besides these recent events and they deserve some recognition, too.

Spilling the Beans

2011-05-10T16:52:00.000-04:00

There are now 2 people at work that know about the recent events in my life. For someone that really likes to keep things private I have managed to have 2 breakdowns at work in 2 days. Go figure.

The first person is a RPL girl. She married later than most of us and apparently started trying for kids right away. I don’t know her whole story but I know she had 4 miscarriages. She ended up having to have a hysterectomy last month and I feel so badly for her. She comes from a very large, very loving and all involved family and I know she wanted a child of her own in the worst way. She stopped by my desk yesterday afternoon to ask me if I had seen a coworker’s new baby yet. I said that I hadn’t and she said, “Oh, you have to come see her!” And I choked out the words, “I can’t” and she said, “but why??” And that’s when I lost it and confessed. She was very sympathetic and said the right thing, “I know there’s nothing I can say except that I’m so sorry.” She had a few questions and I answered them. She said how much she hates Mother’s day and I agreed. I felt a little better after letting that out.

Today is when the other person found out. It’s the same co-worker friend that I wrote about earlier when she called me out for not “being nice anymore”. I went into her office for something and she said, “I heard you laughing earlier, but it sounded really fake....are you ok?” And again the tears came and I blurted it out. She hugged me and at first was a bit excited for me as she said, “well at least you now know that you can get pregnant!” I had to explain everything to her. She knew there was nothing comforting to say to me so she just hugged me and said that I would be ok. Then she went on to suggest adoption. Not what I needed to hear. I had to tell her how expensive it is and she was very surprised. The more we talked the more we went down a road I didn’t want to go down. She said that she knows I’m hurting and she can’t even imagine my pain (all good) and then she said that for whatever reason, and she believes there is a reason, it’s just not in the cards for me. Ouch. As if I weren’t already starting to really believe that myself. She said that I have many wonderful things in my life (a fact not lost on me) and maybe I just need to focus on those things. Double ouch. She said that in her own life she has often wondered why some things happen to her and later on down the road she usually gets her answer and she understands why. She said that later on in my life I will understand why this happened and why I haven’t been able to achieve this goal. All true, but I don’t want to hear it. She was helpful and sympathetic, just a little too realistic for me right now.

It’s very strange, but I haven’t heard back from my dad or my stepmom after yesterday’s e-mail. I really expected a phone call last night or a response e-mail today. I haven’t gotten anything. I wonder what that means. I hope they aren’t mad at me for trying this again. And even though I was hoping they would offer to help finance another endeavor I don’t really expect my dad to offer up $30,000 for donor egg or adoption. In my e-mail I just stated how much those options were and complained about how the infertile community is completely taken advantage of. I clearly explained that I believed this to be the end of the road for us. I just hope I didn’t anger them in any way. That is the last thing I wanted to do.

Thanks again to all of my readers and commenters and e-mailers....you really do help and you make me smile real smiles. I know I will get through this and having you by my side will make the healing process more bearable.

Trying to Move On

2011-05-09T16:55:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. I must say that I’m super impressed with how this community can pull together. Especially in times of crisis. Reading all of your comments last week really let me know how awesome y’all are. I’ve never felt more supported and understood. Thank you so very much.

Some of you may be wondering how I could get my hopes up so high so quickly. Let me explain. I’ve been waiting for a positive pregnancy test for 10 years. Yes, I was apprehensive to believe it at first. Once I saw that beautiful pink line (on my 3rd test) and when that was followed by my wanting to spit out any trace of tomato that entered my mouth I was ecstatic on the inside. Sure, I was a bit panicked when my 4th test line was lighter. The way I rationalized this whole process was like this: If God was going to let me get this far, with a positive test and food aversions, then He’d let me go all the way. I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing but I had no idea how quickly it’d be over either. I know I was foolish to get so attached so quickly. I was incredibly bold to think that it all would work out when I was weeks away from a heartbeat. I should have known better. Something magical happened to me when I saw those lines. I believed for the first time ever that this was my ticket to motherhood. I’ve always hoped and prayed and begged, but I’ve never believed it like I did for those few days. Looking back I can see how naïve I was but I just couldn’t help it. It was the happiest I have been in a long time.

We were supposed to go to BJ’s sister’s house Friday night for his nephew’s “family” birthday party. She’s having the “friend” party this weekend but I am unable to attend as I have a scrapbooking event. I told BJ how much I didn’t want to go. There will be lots of people, at least 3 toddlers and one baby. No thank you. We didn’t want to go in the first place because BJ will be taking the Little Guy to the “friend” party this weekend so why go twice? I told him to tell her the truth. So he did. He called me back and said how upset she was for us. She had an ectopic about 11 years ago so she knows a little about the pain of loss. The difference is that she went on to have 3 healthy babies pretty much at will. She called me after the party and we talked for a little while. She confided in me about something BJ said to her. He said, “(insert SIL’s name), I’ve never seen TeeJay like that...she was just glowing with happiness.” It broke my heart to hear that. Mainly because I was trying hard to stay focused and not get too carried away with my emotions. Major fail there. I obviously wear my emotions where everyone can see them. She said that she wished she had money to give us to try again. She’s very sweet and I’m lucky to have her as my SIL.

The rest of the weekend was pretty lame and laid back, exactly what I needed. We didn’t talk about it much. I had a few weak moments where I cried. We went out Saturday and I ordered an iced tea. And then after dinner I ordered a drink. I hadn’t had caffeine in over 2 weeks and I hadn’t had a drink in about 4 weeks. As I sipped them both I was saddened. I didn’t want them. I wanted to be pregnant and be avoiding drinks like that. Indulging in both of them did nothing but bring me down. I know this will get easier but right now it just plain sucks. I was raking the front yard again and thought, “Well, I don’t have to take it easy this time.” Tears again. I told BJ that even though it was nice to spend yesterday with him it was the worst Mother’s day I’ve ever had. My period showed up yesterday morning as the exclamation point that I am no longer pregnant. Nice, huh?

I sent my parents an e-mail today explaining what happened. I wanted them to know and I’m selfishly hoping they will offer to help pay for another method of expanding our family. I don’t hold out much hope on that front but maybe I’ll be surprised. I will probably hear from them later on this evening. I just really wanted them to know that we tried again and almost made it to the other side. There have been events in the past involving their children which they have wished they knew about so I felt that I needed to tell them this.

I’m still making my way through all the Mother’s day posts from over the weekend. I pretty much avoided most blogs this weekend but I’m slowly catching up and have even been able to comment on a few. Unfortunately, I didn’t think I’d ever be one of those girls that stopped following someone because they got pregnant but it happened. It wasn’t so much that this person got pregnant, it was more the fact that she was due 4 days after what would have been my due date. I just couldn’t follow along. Maybe that makes me selfish and silly but I don’t know of any other way to protect myself. Following blogs with babies and women that are well into their pregnancies is not having the same effect on me. Maybe I’ll get over that hurdle and it won’t be so hard, I just don’t know right now.

14dp5dt - Beta #2

2011-05-05T14:20:00.000-04:00

This will probably be a very long and rambly type post and I apologize in advance. I've never been in this situation before and there is a lot going on inside my head and heart. I've only been able to release a few snippets at home so unfortunately I'm going to unload here. For those that want just the basics my number came back at 30.5. I have to go back in a week to make sure I'm at 0 and that I don't have an infection.

I had such hopes for this cycle. Everything was different this time and I just knew it work. I was mainly calm and relaxed and going with the flow. I even took time off work to help me maintain my new relaxed state. My monitoring appointments went well. I was still responding low, but consistent. My E2 was rising quite nicely and I had 5 mature eggs at retrieval. I had 3 embryos growing. I actually had a blast and an early blast on transfer day. They weren't great quality but I had them. I know you all know these stats already but somehow seeing it in writing makes it more real for me.

I had a really bad headache that usually means my natural hormones are dropping and that a cycle has failed. I was beginning to convince myself that my poor little, poor quality embryos didn't make it. I bought a 2 pack hpt on a whim. I saw the faintest of a 2nd line. I was blown away. I didn't know how to react. I didn't even tell my husband about that test. I still haven't. So I took another one and saw the line again. It was time to get a good quality test. The morning of May 1, 2011 changed my life. I saw a very distinct 2nd line. This was the first time I knew that we had made a baby. I was scared, excited, anxious, confused and many more emotions. This doesn't happen to me. I don't get the happy ending. I continue to suffer, to agonize, to watch everyone else get babies while my womb remains empty.

Then it got more real. I couldn't stop smiling. I touched my belly a few times and was overcome with such love and hope that I didn't know what to do with it all. I looked up my due date, January 7. I told Gizmo (my kitten) that he would soon have to share his mommy with another baby. As I was climbing up into BJ's truck I told him that he really needs to think about investing in the side steps because I'm going to be needing them if I'm to ever be able to ride in his truck. We went to 5 Guys for lunch on Sunday. I gagged when we walked in. I had to take my tomato off my burger in order to finish it. The fries were not appetizing, either. The texture of the tomato was not agreeing with me. I didn't even want to see it. I knew then that I was pregnant. (That's the first time I've said (or typed) those words). We had the Little Guy's baseball game that afternoon. He was playing his cousin's team so BJ's BIL was there along with the BIL's parents. It was so hard not to blurt it out to them. At the same time it was nice having that little secret.

Monday was a little scary for me when my test line wasn't as dark but after constantly googling and the help of my blog buddies, I calmed down and just accepted the fact that everything would be ok. Different tests, dehydration, some women have more HCG at night it seems, and so on. I was putting my positive hat back on. I even went as far as looking at the calendar for next year and figuring out that with my maternity leave and my saved up vacation that if I had the baby in early January, I wouldn't be going back to work until early May. What a lovely thought.

Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4:30 (for the 4th morning in a row) and couldn't go back to sleep my mind began to wander. I started thinking of what kind of furniture I would want in the nursery. I decided on white wood to keep it light and bright and "baby-like". And then I started thinking about things we would need and how I'd need to do all kinds of research on products and how I'd finally get to write a post asking the new moms what their favorite items were. I was thinking of how our 2 neighbors just had little girls and that our baby would get to grow up with them...instant friends. This was the first time I was looking forward to a beta with no anxiety (well, a little) and with hope. I couldn't wait to get that call. BJ met me for lunch and we ate and talked, it was nice. He actually told me that he had some butterflies, too. I again had to remove the tomato from my sandwich. This baby obviously does not like them as much as I do. I went home and BJ went back to work. He called me within 20 minutes saying that he was coming home. He didn't say it, but I know that he wanted to be with me for the call. As we waited we just sat on the couch quietly chatting. I told him it was only going to be good news...I just knew it. I was wrong.

Through tears I explained to him what the nurse said and what it most likely meant. He said he was sorry and he held me while I cried. He made a comment that hurt me more than it helped me when I told him I just didn't get how we could get this close and have it taken away from us. He said, "because those doctors are trying to play God." I didn't have the emotional will power to argue with him at that time. That discussion came last night but I won't get into that right now. We had a meeting at the LG's school shortly after the call so we hauled ourselves out of the house. Once we got back I googled the Hell out of low betas just trying to give myself some hope. It didn't really work. Most of what I read was bad. Most low betas were earlier than mine so it didn't really apply to me. Some people were panicking over a beta in the 100's and 200's. Really? Again, not helpful to me. The LG had practice and I was going to go since it was such a beautiful day outside but decided I didn't want to socialize with any of the other mothers. When BJ got home he said he was glad I didn't go because there was a pregnant woman there. I'm glad I stayed home too. It gave me a chance to beg God out loud not to take my baby. I don't have many "out loud" conversations with God, mainly they take place in my head. This night, however, required a certain octave.

I've never felt more desperate to hold onto something. I've been in love with this baby since I saw that first faint line. I know many people will say that it never was a baby...it was too early to be anything. I disagree. I saw the embryos. They didn't look good but they were alive and growing. I got a positive test, I got 4 positive tests and a positive beta. I will always think of this as my baby. I don't know why God chose this path for me. It's not something I will ever understand. I just have to learn to accept the fact that I am not meant to carry a child. The money is gone. There are no more options. Adoption is too expensive to consider and I'm not emotionally ready for that, nor do I know if I ever will be. I might consider donor eggs but that is another emotional roller coaster that I'm not sure I can deal with. I will admit that I'm thinking about it. Of course I'd have to take a loan from my parents for such a thing. I'm not ready to think of next steps yet. I'm not done getting over this loss and what this loss means for us. I know what a hard time I had last time when our IVF failed and I didn't get a positive test. BJ said he sort of wished I had never peed on any of those sticks. I'm glad I did it. I have this saying going through my head - it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I accomplished my goal of getting pregnant before my 35th birthday. I guess I should have been more specific with that goal. I now know what it feels like to really know that there is a life trying to grow inside me. I loved that feeling. I loved those 4 1/2 days. BJ and I had talked about waiting a while before telling anyone. I changed that plan to telling certain people as soon as we saw a heartbeat. I told him that we would probably get an u/s in 2 or 3 weeks to confirm a heartbeat. I was so excited thinking about ways to tell the LG and my parents. I'm debating on telling my parents this story anyway. I'd like them to know my pain so that they can offer support because I really need it. On the other hand I don't want to hurt them. I don't know what to do. There's so much more to write but I'm draining myself right now so I will end this here.

Thank you all so much for your support and your hope and your words of wisdom. I would be lost without all of you. If you've made it this far you deserve an award but all I have to offer is my sincerest of thank you's.

12dp5dt - Beta Results

2011-05-03T15:55:00.000-04:00

38

Now I know why yesterday's test was lighter than Sunday's.

Have to go back in Thursday morning to see if by some miracle this baby sticks around.

Not holding out any hope.

Thank you all for your support and I'm sorry that I don't have better news to report.

This fucking sucks. I'm such a sucker for hope. Fuck hope.

11dp5dt - Really Scared Right Now - Updated**

2011-05-02T09:30:00.002-04:00

**Going for my beta at 8:30 tomorrow morning. My nurse said that if I had talked with her yesterday she still would not have let me come in today. She also said that the results would be in around 1:00 and she tries to call all the beta patients first. So by this time tomorrow I'll have my first number. I'm sure they will want to do another one on Thursday or Friday. I called my OB/GYN's office to reschedule my annual exam. The receptionist said that if I get a good number tomorrow to call them and schedule my first real appointment. She wished me luck. It was so surreal to have that conversation and to talk about how "far along I am". Me. I had a phone conversation with BJ earlier and we were talking about gas prices and I how I'm pissed at our government for letting oil companies do this to us. He said, "don't get yourself so worked up...you're pregnant." Wow...strong words to hear out loud. I couldn't help but smile big and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm still feeling all the twinges and "full" in my ute area and I'm hoping that is a very good thing. I am going to enjoy this feeling right now and just hope and pray for a good beta tomorrow. I know it will be positive and I'm hoping for it to be above 100 at this point. I'm not coming to work after the test as we have a meeting at the Little Guy's school in the afternoon. I will update you guys as soon as I can. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I hate that IF has ruined us to always think the worst. I'm going to try really hard to not let that be the case anymore. I've gotten this far with staying pretty calm and letting my faith carry me through. I need to try harder to let go of these fears. You guys help a a lot. Thank you!

___________________________________________________
Even though I have been trying to be level headed and calm about this...I am in love with the thought that there is a baby growing in me right now. I can't stop smiling, inside or out. I keep saying it in my head but have yet to be able to say the words out loud. And this morning after I peed on my last FRER I was actually excited to turn it over. I've never really been excited about a hpt before....more like scared and anxious and hopeful. However that excited feeling quickly escaped my body as my heart sank and I saw that the line was lighter than yesterdays line. It's definitely there and I don't need a magnifying glass to see it, but shouldn't it at least be the same as yesterday?

I've already been busy googling what this could mean. Most of it is not good. There have been a few people where it didn't make much difference but mostly, it's bad news. One of my bloggy buddies actually commented that one of her tests were lighter several days after the initial positive. That is encouraging but there's still all the other people that had a bad outcome. I'm scared shitless right now while trying to stay positive. That's an odd mix. All I keep saying to myself and to God is please let this baby stay with me. I've never been this close, I've never had these emotions before. I've never felt like a mother until I saw those 2 lines for the first time on Friday. I don't want this to end.

I debated buying more pee sticks and decided against it for now. I might change my mind later but for now I can't bring myself to do it. I called my clinic yesterday but the weekend staff would not let me move my beta up. They said I had to ask my nurse today. So I have a message in to her and I'm waiting to hear back on whether or not I can come in tomorrow. I know it's only 1 day earlier but it's 1 day earlier.

BJ asked me this morning if the test was the same as yesterday's and I told him yes. I didn't lie, it's still a positive test. I didn't want him to start his negative thinking. He does enough of that for 4 people. I need him to believe that this is real as much as I do. I told him that I was already attached and he asked me, "to the thought or to the baby?" I said "the baby". As the words were leaving my mouth my heart just grew with so much love. He's still very reserved. Last night before bed he told me that he wasn't going to believe it until the doctor told him it was real.

I woke up at 4:45 this morning unable to go back to sleep. My mind was racing with thoughts of me having a baby in my uterus right now. I was thinking about how I haven't had any caffeine since transfer (1 diet soda) and how I really need to drink more milk and we need to keep more fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and things like that. And then I thought about how I'm a different person now. BJ and I had a brief conversation last night after the LG went to bed. I told him that it's not a false positive but that I wasn't sure how to deal with that. I'm very good at being a sad, bitter, depressed infertile but I don't know how to be excited over a positive test yet. He hasn't seen much of it except once last night he noticed I had my hand on my belly. He commented about it and I just said that I've never had a reason to rub my belly and now I do.

I hope I do, anyway. I felt so blessed when I first saw those 2 lines. I have prayed for those 2 lines for 10 years. To finally get them but to have them taken away from me will be too much pain to carry. Please stick, baby....please.

10dp5dt - OK, Now What?

2011-05-01T08:09:00.000-04:00

From this morning, with the brand name test that states it can give you a positive up to 6 days before your missed period.

A little about yesterday: We were doing some yard work, raking to be exact, and BJ asked me if I should be doing that and I said I wasn't working really hard, mainly just using my arms. And then I said to him that I was a little surprised that he didn't ask me about it. He said he didn't know that I tested because I didn't say anything. Keep in mind that we are trying to talk in code because the little guy is with us this weekend. I told him it was inconclusive and then he was really confused. After we were done, the LG went to play with the neighbor and we came inside and I went and got the test with the blue line. Here's our conversation:

Me - what do you see?
Him - a blue line
Me - what do you see in the other window?
Him - a light blue line...what does that mean?
Me - I don't know
So I had to explain that 2 lines is positive and only 1 line is negative. I also told him that it was a cheap test and he said that he would be like me and not believe it until I took a good test. He asked me how dark the line should be and I said that it doesn't really matter, as long as it's there. He wasn't convinced and neither was I.

I had 2 dreams last night about getting 2 lines. Each time I woke up I was more and more convinced that as soon as I peed, the window would be blank and it would all be over. I woke up at 5:30 unable to sleep any longer. I got out of bed at 6:15 because I had to pee and I knew that I had to get this over with. So I peed and was scared to turn the test over. Then I saw the line and I started to lightly cry. I want this to be real but I don't know how to accept it. I see how light the line is and I panic that it's not real. I know too much. I know words like "chemical pregnancy", "blighted ovum", "miscarriage". I'm scared but happy...confused and afraid to take this for what it might actually be. I can't even type or say the P word when referring to myself.

BJ woke up after I got back in bed and asked me if I peed.
Me - yes
Him - and?
I reached over to the nightstand and showed him the test. Keep in mind, he's blind without his contacts. He squinted to see it.
Him - that 2nd line wasn't there before you peed?
Me - no, it was blank...and this is the good test. but I still don't believe it.
Him - what is it supposed to look like?
I put the test really close to his face so he could see the gray writing that explains what the results should look like.
Him - well, that's good.
Me - yeah, I'm not scheduled for blood work until Wednesday...I'm going to go insane before then.

So that's pretty much it. I now have a 2nd pink line. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I'm too scared to admit that it's real for fear it won't be there tomorrow morning.

9dp5dt - Rerun

2011-04-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

Very quick update from my phone. I used the 2nd test from the box at 5:30 this morning and got the same faint line. I'm guessing that if this were real it'd be much darker by now. I'm heading to Wally world to get a frer. I read yesterday that the blue line tests are more likely to show a faint line like that than the pink lined tests. BJ knew I was supposed to test this morning but he has yet to ask mr about it. Maybe he thinks it was negative so he doesn't want to start the waterworks. Anyway, I'll be testing again tomorrow morning with the name brand test and that should really let me know my answer. I just wish I could be excited. I'm just really confused. Thank you all for your level headed comments. I really appreciate you keeping me grounded during this limbo dance I'm in.

8dp5dt - This is Different

2011-04-29T09:58:00.000-04:00

I know I said I wasn't testing until tomorrow but I couldn't help it. Let me explain my weakness. I started getting a headache yesterday afternoon. The kind I get about 2 to 3 days before my period starts. I actually still have it today. I also felt some very different kind of twinges in my abdomen yesterday afternoon. It definitely wasn't my ovary as it was lower and more centered. At that point I really didn't know what to think. Many women complain of the twinges and the pains and for a lot of them it really is their uterus working away at sustaining and embryo. I am of the state of mind that those twinges are caused from the extra E2 I'm putting in my body to MAKE my lining thicker than usual so of course I will feel it twinging and pulling, right?

On a whim I stopped in at the drugstore on my walk to work from the bus stop. I bought a cheap store brand 2-pack of tests. The one that is supposed to be as good as the name brand test that can detect a positive up to 5 days before a missed period. I didn't use FMU. I just wanted to put myself out of my misery so that I can get on with my life. So I peed on that stick. And after I washed my hands I picked it up and took a deep breath because I KNEW what I would be seeing....nothing. But that's not quite what I saw.

I was in disbelief and my breath got caught in my throat. Don't worry, I don't really believe it. It's a very faint line and you probably can't even see it in these pictures. It's probably an evaporation line or the last of the HCG exiting my body or the by product of a very cheap test. However, I can't help but wonder if it's real. My heart is wanting to jump all over and do cartwheels but my head is strapping my heart down in a straight jacket at this point. I don't want anyone getting too excited over this. I just was so shocked to even see that faint of a line that I had to share with all of you. I've never even had an evap line to get excited over. I've only ever seen the blank white window staring at me. So now I am even more anxious to get tomorrow's test over with. I need to get out of this limbo pattern so I can figure out the rest of my life.

Please don't send me comments with encouragement to believe this. Please send me level headed, let's wait and see comments, ok? My fragile emotional state will not be able to handle anything else. And I might be the only one seeing this second line anyway. I just checked it again (it's been about an hour since I tested) and it's so light, at 8dp5dt it should be much darker if it's a true positive...I'm sure it's just an evap line or a bad test.

Happiness Is...

2011-04-28T10:47:00.000-04:00

- The Little Guy will get to pitch his first game tonight (provided we don't get rained out)! And not only that, but he's playing against his "step-brothers'" team. His mother's boyfriend's boys are on the opposing team. It will be so great to see him pitch in a game for the first time. He's nervous about it so I need to find a way to help him relax.

- getting an Easter basket from my husband for the first time ever! I always make him and the LG one but this year I actually got one, too. We exchanged baskets on Monday because we didn't have the LG on Sunday. My basket was very special because it was actually a recycled Christmas basket (it still had Christmas holly decorations on it). :-) BJ must have picked the first basket he saw in our basement to fill with goodies. I received lots of chocolate....yummm and a huge Reese's peanut butter egg! I haven't "cracked" into that one just yet.

- finding a new potato chip that I like...Pop! Chips. The bbq are my favorite, they have the slightest little kick to them. The best part is that they are natural, really. They are sort of like Pringles but thicker and puffier. Hard to explain. Check them out if you are a chip lover.

- having a dream last night about POAS and getting a positive. I was crying while peeing on the stick and then when I turned it over to look at the results I had to wipe the tears out of my eyes to see that there were actually 2 lines. I can't even explain the emotions that came over me. I woke up and was very disappointed that it was just a dream and I don't give much credence to dreams, but it was nice to have that really happy feeling for a few minutes. Even if it was all in my head.

- finally getting a glimpse of Sarah's new bundle of joy! She and her husband are adopting a baby and she gets to meet him for the first time today...her birthday! Please go and congratulate her...and let her know what a cute little guy she has.

6dp5dt - The Burning Question

2011-04-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

When I say burning, I mean it's burning in my head. The question is When Will I Test?

As it stands right now I have the following symptoms:
* None

I have no symptoms that couldn't just be explained away by the extra estrogen and the extra progesterone. My belly feels a little bloated. I'm tired. I'm emotional (more on that in a minute). I've felt a few twinges here and there in the ute/ovary area. Pretty much, my ovaries are trying to get back to normal and the extra estrogen is filling up my lining more than usual so it's no wonder I've been feeling something here and there. My boobs are sore (although, as of this morning not as much as before).

I'm too scared to test. I get teary eyed when I think about doing it. The good thing is that I don't own any tests right now. Not even any opk's. I've had a few fleeting moments where I have thought about stopping on my way home to get a test and then I just drive by all the stores without even glancing their way. I will not wait for beta, that is for sure. I will probably test Saturday morning. I will be 9dp5dt. There will be an answer. I'm picking Saturday morning because I can't bear the thought of coming to work on Friday if it's negative. And I'm starting to believe that it will be. Did you just hear me catch my breath and gulp back tears?

I know it's early and that many women do not feel any symptoms this early...or at all. However, it's just a sinking feeling that I have. I have bad eggs that made bad embryos. I know the reality of that mix. I've been googling and reading message boards and blogs a lot this week. Some women have great stories and others have crappy stories. I'm not giving up hope but I'm definitely trying to prepare myself for reality. I want to believe that my embryos are thriving and hanging on but I'm having a really hard time with that. Why would this time be any different than before?

I wish I could be more positive. I'm just too scared to be. I was so positive through all the stimming and everything up until yesterday. All of my emotions have come crashing down on me. This is IT, folks. This is my last chance to have a child of my own. There is no more money and if there were I don't know that I could do this again. There is so much riding on this. My entire life will change Saturday morning with that pee stick. If there is a blank window I fear a blank future. I know that I have much to be thankful for in my life (I will be doing a happiness post next just to remind me) but knowing that I will not be a mother is going to be a tough pill to swallow. A pill with razors and saw blades and barbed wire, to be exact. It's a pill that I don't want to swallow and that I don't know (at this time) how to swallow. If the test shows 2 lines...I don't need to explain to you how my life will change but it will be amazing.

My emotions are running so high right now. I'm feeling down and depressed and ready to cry at anything. My mind won't shut up with all of its "what if this didn't work?" crap. I'm trying really hard but I just can't picture a positive outcome. I know nothing is over until Saturday morning, but my heart feels like it's over. My mind is trying to wrap itself around a (bio)childless future and it's bleak to say the least. I have to find a way to push through this. I have to reach deep inside and find strength like never before to carry on. There have been a few times in my life where I've had to deal with major losses but I have found a way to function and now I fear that I will have to do that again. It takes so much out of me to fight depression and I just don't want to go back there. I'm afraid of what it will mean for my marriage. My husband loves me but he doesn't understand my grief. He doesn't like to see me sad which means I have to be fake and being fake with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to will suck the life out of me. I'm not sure I can be fake this time. I'm not sure I will be able to just move on and get over it at his speed. I will need to do it in my own way and in my own time and I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it. Man, this is fucking hard.

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just have good eggs? Why do I feel like I'm being punished? There are 100 "why" questions out there and unfortunately there are no answers. It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it now. I will know my answer Saturday morning. My life will change. I hope for the better but I am preparing for the worst.

Wow! A Blogging Award!

2011-04-26T12:11:00.000-04:00

Tracy has graciously awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award! I'm so excited! Thank you so very much.

The rules are pretty simple:

◦Snatch the image. (done)
◦Link back the person who gave you the award. (done)
◦Share 7 things about myself. (see below)
◦Award 10 other bloggers and contact them so they know they’ve won. (will do)

1 - I went to 13 different schools during my 12 year school career. I was a chameleon for the most part, able to blend in without too much work and without being noticed, most of the time. It was much harder in High School but it's not like I had a choice. Some switches were in the middle of the school year and those were tough. I think it has made me pretty resilient.

2 - I'm technically an only child but I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister from my mom and 2 half brothers from my dad and stepmom. I haven't shared much about my family and siblings on here as a lot of it is pretty painful, but I will one day.

3 - I have a beta fish as a pet at work. One of our employees was leaving at the end of 2008 and he couldn't take his fish with him so I volunteered to keep her. She's red and very mean. I named her Lucy after Lucille Ball. I say she's mean because if I hold my hand over the top of the bowl she tries to jump up and bite me. I know she's probably really a "he" but she's been Lucy to me since I laid eyes on her so that was that.

4 - I love beagles. They are the cutest dogs and they have the best ears and the greatest bark/howl ever. I wish I wanted a dog for a pet because I would totally have 2 beagles...no matter what my husband said. My heart melts every time I see one of those calendars with little beagle puppies. Two of our neighbors have beagles and I love them.

5 - I'm a huge hockey fan. Many of you already know this about me. I love my Capitals and I so hope they can get their shit together this year and make a serious run for (if not WIN) Lord Stanley's Cup. It would fill my heart with such joy. That must sound pathetic to some of you, but I've been a Caps fan for 16 years and they have never won the Cup and they hardly ever make it out of the first round of the playoffs...we are DUE!

6 - I love yellow roses. I'm not much on flowery things as I'm not much of a girly girl, but BJ gave me yellow roses early on in our relationship and I have loved them ever since. I had a bouquet of yellow roses at our wedding and the pew bows had yellow rose buds...it was lovely.

7 - I'm a chocoholic. I love chocolate...really good, creamy chocolate. I don't eat much of it so that when I do I take my time and enjoy every morsel. My favorite is Godiva but I also love Dove. Hershey is my favorite "cheap" chocolate. I will hold a piece in my mouth until it slowly melts. By that point, my entire mouth is coated in chocolaty goodness. That also means that the flavor lasts longer and I eat less of it. I actually have 2 dark chocolate Hershey miniatures on my desk right now waiting for me to eat this afternoon. I can't wait.

I'd like to take this opportunity to bestow this award upon the following bloggers. I love to read each of them for their very different writing styles and their very different takes on life. Some of them have babies or are pregnant so consider yourself warned. Without further ado, I give you:

A.
Egg
Someday Soon
Sarah
Sarah - a different Sarah
Jenn
Gracie
Elphaba
Kelly
Alex

National Infertility Awareness Week - Bust a Myth

2011-04-25T11:40:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. I would like to take just a quick minute of your time to bust an infertility myth that has bothered me for years. There are many things that I have heard over the years (and still today) that bother me but one of the most annoying (in my life) is when I hear that women are just waiting too long to try and have babies. If women would get married younger and not worry about their careers so much, then they wouldn't have to worry about conceiving a baby. By waiting to get married and then waiting even longer to start a family, it's no wonder they are infertile.

That is total BS.

Infertility strikes many women for many different reasons at many different ages. I, for one, started trying to have a baby when I was 24. Got that? 24! I wanted to be a young mom. I wanted to be done having any kids I was going to have well before I turned 30. Here I am about to turn 35 (eek!) and I'm STILL trying. Infertility does not care how old we are. Is there truth to the fact that as a woman ages her chances of conceiving decline with each passing year? Absolutely. However, infertility is a disease. Decreased fertility due to age is totally different.

I may have been 24 when I started trying but apparently my eggs are about 20 years older. I had great looking charts each month....nice low temps then a spike after ovulation...several days of ewcm leading up to ovulation and a cycle that ran 28 days. It doesn't get better than that, right? Wrong. Those eggs that I was ovulating were obviously no good. Sometimes a woman's body is not her friend. Sometimes we are deprived of the one privilege that eludes us, being able to conceive and carry a baby to term.

Many other diseases do not discriminate by age...neither does Infertility. It can strike a 40-year-old just as it can strike an unsuspecting 24-year-old. Please do not tell me that I'm having problems or that "all these women that think they can have a career AND a family should have placed more priority on the family because now it's too late" that we started trying too late. Infertility is a real disease that can enter the lives of anyone at any given time.

4dp5dt - Spring Break is Over

2011-04-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

My Spring break is over and I'm not at all happy about it. I have not taken that much time off (during nice weather months) in years. I didn't HAVE to do anything, really. I just puttered around and did what I WANTED to do. I loved every minute of it. Some of the things I did while I was off: got my oil changed, saw a movie with the Little Guy, got a pedicure, shopped for ME (I got 2 shorts, 2 capris, 1 jeans and new sandals for $140!), straightened up the garage, tried new recipes, got waxed, took naps...what's not to love?

A quick "welcome" to anyone visiting for ICLW! It's nice to have you here. You can get a quick glimpse of what my TTC history looks like over in my side bar. I am currently in my 2ww of my final attempt at conceiving a child. The cycle went better than I expected in some areas and has been a little disappointing in others. I keep telling myself that "it is what it is" at this point. We transferred 2 "ok, grade C" (my doctor's words) embryos last Thursday. I'm trying not to get wrapped up in too much hope and confidence while also trying to stay as positive as I can. The voices in my head can be very conflicting at times. :-)

Thanks to a couple of my blogging buddies I know that today my embryo(s) should be burying deeper into my lining. I'm hoping that is the case. I'm not feeling anything, of course. Well, aside from the constant ache of my boobs. They have been hurting since about day 3 of my bcp. It eased up a little once I started my stims but then as my E2 continued to rise and we added my trigger shot to the mix they have started hurting again. Yesterday they began hurting even worse. I think the Estrace twice a day and the Edometrin 3 times a day is catching up to me. I can hardly bear to be without a bra. And it's not like I have a full rack, either. I'm a measly A cup for crying out loud This is probably the only time in my life that I'm glad to be small chested.

I'm back at work and it sucks. The weather is wonderful outside and I'm stuck in here. Man, I wish I could be a stay at home woman. BJ took today off to spend the day with the Little Guy, it's his last day of Spring break. They are going to have a guys day. I'm not sure what that entails, exactly, but I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.

I'm going to write a quick post in honor of NIAW and "Bust a Myth" shortly. I have a myth that I'd like to bust. I only wish I were brave enough to really "come out" of the Infertility Closet. Here is a picture of my little embabies. They aren't much to look at but they are ours and I am loving them with my whole heart right now. The one on the left is the "better" one. They are both pretty fragmented but I'm still hoping at least one of them sticks.

PUPO - (em)Babies on Board

2011-04-22T14:13:00.000-04:00

Let's go back to yesterday...

After my nurse called to move up my transfer I did some googling to find out what some of the terms she used meant. I wasn't sure what "early cavitation" meant. It wasn't good news, but it wasn't bad news, either. I jumped in the shower and headed out. I never made it to the store to get my Easter stuff. So I will be out tomorrow with all the other last minute crazies trying to find suitable candy for BJ's and the Little Guy's baskets. Oh well.

I arrived at the clinic with 10 minutes to spare. I checked in and waited...and waited...and waited. I went up to the front desk to see how much longer it would be because my bladder was starting to ache. The receptionist told me that I could let out 10 seconds worth to make myself more comfortable. Let me tell you, that was not easy...but I managed it and I did, indeed, feel much better.

I was then called by a nurse that said that Dr. M was finishing up in the OR and that he personally wanted to do my transfer and it would just be a few more minutes! Hot damn! My own doctor wanted to do my transfer! He must be feeling very hopeful about things. All of a sudden running almost an hour behind (after they asked me to come earlier) didn't seem so frustrating.

I went into the room and undressed and waited for him. He came in and went over the actual fertilization report with me...5 eggs, 3 fertilized, 1 looks ok, the other looks ok and then one is lagging behind. He burst my bubble to say the least. He then recommended that we transfer the 2 best looking embryos. I agreed. The lab displays the embryos in the petri dish up on a TV screen, how cool is that? When they came up on the screen Dr. M said, "well, they both look better than I thought they would according to the report." That made me feel better...a little. He checked my lining and complimented me on how great the rest of my anatomy cooperates in these matters. I said, "I know, I just have bad eggs." He agreed, unfortunately. He said, "well, if this doesn't work, come back and talk to me and we'll see what we can do." I didn't want to utter the words out loud that if this doesn't work, we are done. I didn't want any negativity yesterday. It was hard, though. As I gazed upon the screen at my 2 embabies I knew that they didn't look good. One was definitely better than the other one but that's not saying much. He transferred them both and I watched the screen with the fluid going into my uterus. Under my breath (but loud enough for all to hear) I said, "come on babies". Dr. M. said that they were placed perfectly and that I did everything humanly possible to make this work. He said that we need to focus all of our positive energy at the task at hand. He couldn't be more right.

I left there with my picture and my folder and my instructions for the next few days. I feel like I'm on more restrictions this time and maybe that's because we did a 5dt? Or maybe they like to add more restrictions now than they did 2 years ago? Either way, I have been very good at obeying my orders. I will say that I truly sympathize and admire all you ladies that had (or are now in the midst of) bed rest during your pregnancies. It's not easy to stay on the couch all day. I've been doing good but it was tough with dinner last night. I like to help when I'm here and normally I do most of the clean up afterward. BJ sent me back over to the couch like a good husband should. And this morning he told me that I wasn't allowed to go up and down the steps. He's so sweet. When he's not making me feel guilty about spending the money on this IVF. :-)

I'm supposed to schedule my beta for May 4...MAY 4!!! That would be 18 days after retrieval. They are crazy. I'll know way before then whether or not this has worked. And with a 5 day transfer why would they wait so long to test me? Either way, I'll be peeing on a stick well before then...and I said as much to my discharge nurse. So now we wait. I'm going to try and not worry about it or stress about it. I want to enjoy the bliss of knowing that I have 2 embryos in me right now. Even though they aren't great quality, at least one could still make it, right? Oh, and the 3rd Amigo didn't make it to freeze which I figured. And we did assisted hatching on the ones that were transferred.

Let's have 3 cheers for the Dynamic Duo! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Now please excuse me while I try not to think about what is supposed to be going on inside my body.

Quick Update on Transfer

2011-04-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

First, thank you to everyone that has commented and offered me reassurances this cycle. You really have helped me deal with all this craziness.

I have wanted to update several times over the last couple of days but I didn't want to give my fears a "voice", you know? If I write out all the crazy thoughts and fears that have been trying to make their way to the front I feel like that would be giving them too much power over me.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I took this week off of work. It has helped my stress level tremendously and I seriously think it has saved my sanity. I had a nice day with the Little Guy on Monday and then Tuesday was spent at the mall shopping (all for ME!) and getting a pedicure. Yesterday I got a bikini wax and went to the grocery store with a list a mile long and didn't even feel stressed about it. I came home and baked cookies and made the recipe on the side of the Chex box for some really yummy snacks. I laid down on the couch and took a short cat nap with my kitties. Gizmo laid right next to me and just purred me to sleep. My boys came home and we sat on the porch for a while and then went to dinner. I watched the hockey game (that we won in double OT!!) and had a blast stressing about something other than my embabies. Keeping myself busy with things I actually like doing has been such a blessing. I have said many prayers for our embabies to just keep growing for me and telling them that I will be coming for them today.

My nurse called me yesterday with my time to report to the clinic - 2:15 for a 2:45 transfer. I had an "early compacting" embryo, an 11 cell embryo and one that she didn't fully understand. She said that it was 8 cells on Tuesday and the report yesterday said "no change" but also said "early compacting". I decided not to Google anything and just enjoy my day as stress free as possible. As the day went on I got more and more butterflies. Not the sick feeling but like an excited feeling. All I kept saying to myself is that I didn't want to hear from my nurse or the lab today...I just want to show up and have my embabies transferred to their new home.

I had some plans for today before leaving for the clinic. They are an hour and a half away so I have to plan carefully. With it being a lot of people's Friday (since tomorrow is Good Friday) I was anticipating a lot of traffic to deal with. My plans changed when my cell phone rang a few minutes ago with the clinic's number showing on the caller ID. I didn't want to answer it. My heart sank. My nurse sounded way too chipper for the news that I just knew was coming.

However, that bad news never came. All she was doing was seeing if I could come earlier!! Holy Hell she scared the CRAP out of me. So now I will be arriving at 11:45 for a 12:15 transfer. I asked her the status of my embryos and she said that they would be transferring #3 which is an early blast. Number 2 is early cavitating and #1 is a blast with an inner cell mass. I will be googling all of that as soon as I'm done here. I want to be informed when I get there and when I speak with the embryologist. I called BJ to let him know the news and of course he wanted to know why they wanted me earlier. I didn't ask why, I was too relieved to hear that my embryos are still viable. Men.
.
I will be doing some googling and then taking a shower and running to the store to get Easter basket stuff that I have totally forgotten about and then heading to the clinic. Thank you all so much for being here for me! Please keep the positivity coming...I really need it now.

Do What?

2011-04-19T08:26:00.000-04:00

Wouldn't you know that my nurse called when we were in the movies? She doesn't usually call me until later in the afternoon. I had my phone on vibrate and was ready to run out of the theater as soon as it started buzzing. The only buzz I got was my phone letting me know that I had a voicemail. I listened to it at my seat.

She didn't sound happy but she did give me good news and some perplexing news. She told me that all three embryos were dividing normally and looking good. Yay! She then proceeded to tell me that transfer will be on Thursday and she'll call me back with the details. Huh? What? Did I just hear that right? She must be mistaken...right? There's no way they will wait when I only have 3...will they?

I called her as soon as we got to my truck and left her a message to call me back. When she called me I asked her about my other 2 eggs that didn't make it even though they were mature. They didn't fertilize properly, which I figured. When I asked her about the day 5 transfer she said that she had to call the lab to make sure she was seeing that correctly, too. After double checking, I am indeed scheduled for Thursday. She said that everything looks good right now and they are growing just fine and right on schedule. She will call me Wednesday to let me know what time to be at the clinic.

I asked her if the clinic would freeze just one embryo and she said that they absolutely would. BJ and I discussed how many to transfer and we decided that if we have 2 we are transferring both. He knows the risks and so do I. He was thinking he wanted all 3 and I had to talk him out of that. Too many risks if they all 3 take. He agreed with a little coaxing so if we have 2 Thursday, we will transfer 2.

I'm really nervous about this, ladies. My nurse is not supposed to call me today...unless something catastrophic happens. I'm really scared about this day 5 thing. I have some scenarios running through my mind right now. What if we have nothing to transfer? Would I be able to handle that better than a BFN? I would always wonder if they would have been transferred on day 3 then maybe they would have made it. What if we transfer and the 3rd embryo doesn't make it to freeze? Does that mean that the other 2 that we have are bad, too? This is uncharted territory for me and I'm not sure how to handle it.

I'm going to try and fill my time with other things today and tomorrow while I wait for my nurse to call. I'm taking the Little Guy over to his Grandfather's so they can spend the day together. I'm getting a pedicure, getting my oil changed and going to the grocery store. I might also drive to the mall and do a little shopping as I'm in major need of some new clothes. Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a wax in the morning and if I don't shop today, I'll shop tomorrow. If we make it to transfer, my Friday will be spent sitting at my scrapping table as I get caught up on some scrapping. That reminds me that I need to get some pictures printed, too.

All in all, I'm very grateful to have my 3 Amigos growing at the lab. And I'm really excited about the prospect of a day 5 transfer. I feel like there is more of a chance at success waiting until day 5. I will not delude myself because I know of people that did day 5 transfers and did not end up pregnant. However, given the choice of pure panic and hopefulness, I'm choosing hope this time. At least that's the plan. :-)

Retrieval Recap

2011-04-18T09:11:00.000-04:00

First, the nitty gritty:

8 follicles
5 eggs
5 mature
3 embryos - as of 12:00 yesterday.

Now the details:

Friday afternoon I began to feel a headache coming on. I left work early and by the time I got home I was pretty much in migraine-ville. My concern was that my hormones were falling off fast and that all my eggs were dying. Yes, I have a vivid, morbid imagination. We took the Little Guy over to my SIL's and stayed to chat for a while. All I wanted was peace and quiet and a dark room. I had to force myself to eat dinner. I felt horrible. BJ was convinced it was the HCG causing it. He must have told me to call the doctor 5 times. I refused...nothing was ruining this for us. He started looking my symptoms up online and had a real eye opener to what I was actually putting in my body. He really thought I should call the doctor after his research. I just laid down on the couch and watched the hockey game. I slept for a while and when I woke up I felt extremely nauseous. I went to the bathroom and dry heaved about 6 times...nothing would come up. Then all of a sudden my stomach felt better. My head still hurt but that was it. It was off to bed.

Saturday morning went fine. We arrived at the clinic with 20 minutes to spare. I changed into my sexy gown and cap and we hung out together until it was time. We thumb wrestled and were cracking each other up. I'm sure if the other couples could hear us they were probably wondering what was so funny. We kept things very light for the remainder of our wait. I was pretty groggy afterward, like in the past. I felt a little disappointment at only 5 eggs but was hopeful that they would all be mature given my E2 level on Thursday. They had mixed up my instructions and tried to tell me that I would be doing daily PIO shots. I had to set her straight and she checked and found out that I was right. Whew! We were stuck in some very nasty traffic on the way home and it took us an hour longer than it should have. The nurse specifically said not to wait too long before eating so that I could take my pain pill. Well BJ being BJ, didn't want to go off route to get food and thought it would be fine to wait until we were closer to home. Thankfully I slept some in the car because I was in pain and starving...it was after 3:00 before we got something to eat.

I took my pill when we got home and laid down on the couch and was in and out most of the evening. The pain subsided and I was able to enjoy dinner.

The only 5 minutes that I didn't have my phone with me was when the lab called and left me a message to tell me that all 5 were mature....my heart soared. My heart promptly sank when we she said that we had 3 embryos. I'm happy to have one more than last time but at the same time I'm sad to only have 3 after everything had been going so well. I was so hoping to be able to freeze this time. I should be getting a call soon from the nurse to tell me how many we still have and what day we will be transferring. I'm sure with only 3 our transfer will be tomorrow. However, if we have 3 great looking embryos I don't know that we will transfer all 3. I'm pretty against it but BJ is on the fence. Also, I don't know if my clinic will freeze just one. Of course, this might be a non-problem depending on the phone call I get in a little while.

Thank you all so very much for being here for me during this time...and always, really. It has meant so much to me to be able to come here and lend a voice to all my fears and dreams. I will update later with news from the lab. Right now, the Little Guy and I are off to IHOP for breakfast and then heading to the movies to see Rio.

24 Hours

2011-04-15T11:43:00.000-04:00

In 24 hours (from when I started this post at 11:00) I will be arriving at the clinic. ER is set for 12:30. This past 24 hours has been pretty rough. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place so I think this post will be, too.

I had my scan yesterday morning and this is what they found:

11 follicles, 8 measurable - 16.9 to 23.3 - the tech said she thought I had 3 mature. I'm hoping for more.
My E2 came back at 2,323! Go me! Last time it didn't get over 1001.
Lining is perfect.

The surgery center called me and told me that trigger would be at 12:30am, not the best but it could have been much worse. BJ wasn't happy but we set our alarms and did what we had to do. It didn't hurt too bad but I'm sore today. I don't remember being sore last time. BJ is not sure that the nurse marked the right spot when I asked her to draw a target. It's definitely closer to my hip than last time. Hope it's ok.

I didn't sleep well. It took a while to fall asleep even though I was completely exhausted and then I woke up every 1/2 hour until my alarm went off for trigger. Sleep didn't come very easily after that, either. My throat is still pretty raw and I was coughing a little. Then I'd drift off only to wake up 5 minutes later. My best sleep was from 2:15 to 5:00, after that I was awake until it was time to get up. I didn't want to come in today because I feel that my body needs to rest but there are things that need to get done and with me having a new boss I thought it not wise to take another sick day when I'm already off next week. I will be leaving early, though.

I had to call BJ's sister and give her the news flash of what we are doing and ask her if she can take the Little Guy tonight since we have to be up early tomorrow and he can't come with us. She said she's feeling very positive for us and she wasn't the least bit upset that we didn't tell her sooner. She has a friend that has suffered secondary IF for 10 years so she knows a little about how it feels. However, she just told me that her friend, J, is pregnant with a little girl due in September...she's 46...and it was a natural conception. She thought I knew but I didn't. When I say she knows a little, I mean it. The very next sentence out of her mouth was "J has been suffering for so long and doing hormone treatments for so many years and she just got rid of all her baby stuff and sold everything and gave up and that's when she ended up pregnant. I told her that she just needed to stop thinking about it so much." UGH!!! And I told her straight up, "that's not ALL she needed to do...I've not thought about it for years and it never happened for us." I think she realized she said the wrong thing but it's all good.

The worry is setting is. The harder I try to be positive and hopeful the more I start to worry. What if it's my cyst that is giving off all that great E2 now? What if I only have 2 or 3 mature eggs? What if they don't fertilize? What if they don't make it to day 3 let alone all the way to day 5? What if the trigger target was in the wrong place and messed everything up? What if my cold/allergies make me cough too much and won't let anything implant? What if it implants but I lose it? All this and more is running through my head. There is so much riding on this. The weight that is on my shoulders right now is almost unbearable. What if I have come this far only to fail again? That thought scares the shit out of me. I want to believe, I want to have faith and I want this to work more than anything. I'm afraid to hope for such wonderful things. This cycle has been a relative breeze and I have responded so well....when will it all go bad? It always goes bad for us. I don't know how to see passed the pain. I'm afraid to hope for too much, afraid to ask God for too much. I keep getting giddy and saying things to myself like, "I'm going to be PUPO next week!" And then I stop and say, "well, hopefully". I tell myself that we are going to have a baby in January. And then I turn right around and say to myself, "maybe...if anything fertilizes." I'm a mess.

I probably won't be able to update until I get the fertilization report on Sunday. Tomorrow will be busy and I don't handle anesthesia very well so I most likely will not be up to posting. Thank you all so very much for being out there and rooting for us and praying for us...and listening to my crazy thoughts. You are definitely my support system.

Happiness Is...

2011-04-14T14:32:00.000-04:00

- writing this post...there are other things in my life going on right now other than just my IVF.

- watching the Little Guy play his first kid pitch game last weekend. They lost but it was close and very intense for us spectators. He plays again tonight and I am hoping for a better outcome for him. He didn't get to actually hit the ball Sunday...he was walked twice and hit with the ball once (just his hand, nothing serious).

- sitting in my living room and looking out the window. The trees are finally filling in and we have a natural Dogwood that is in bloom and some other purple tree that has finally bloomed so we have some color back there.

- watching hockey playoffs. My team won in overtime last night and it was pretty exciting stuff. I hope they can keep it together and actually be a real contender this year. They deserve it as hard as they have worked.

- staying home to rest today. I started to get a very nasty sore throat yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home I could barely swallow it hurt so bad. I decided to come home after my monitoring appointment this morning and get some rest. I slept on and off for 2 hours and feel like I could take another nap. I might just do that. I need to be rested and as well as possible for my ER.

- getting a personal call from Dr. M, my RE. He personally called me an hour ago to congratulate me on my progress so far. I will share the details after my call from the nurse comes in but I can trigger tonight and ER will be on Saturday! He said he just couldn't resist calling me himself to give me the good news. I was scared when I realized it was him on the other end and not my nurse. The last time he called me was to give me the news that we were canceling the cycle. Yay for trigger tonight! Now, if I could just get my nurse to call with my times...soon hopefully.

Still Stimming

2011-04-13T15:40:00.000-04:00

I had my scan this morning and I still have 8 measurable follicles...and I can feel them, let me tell you. The tech said I should see the nurse for trigger instructions just in case. I left there with my packet of instructions, BJ's sample cup and a circle on my outer left buttock. I was so ready to have ER on Friday. We have the Little Guy this weekend so doing it Friday during the day would be perfect...we wouldn't need to worry about what to do with him on Saturday or Sunday.

I just got the call from my nurse and the doctor wants me to stim one more day. So if I trigger tomorrow night then retrieval will be on Saturday and we have to find someone to watch the Little Guy while we are gone. This is not ideal but somehow we will make it work. We have to be there at least an hour before the procedure and we live just over an hour away. I didn't want anyone to know that we are doing this but it looks like the cat will be out of the bag. Oh well, there's not much I can do about it at this point so I'm not going to stress. My guess is that we will ask BJ's sister to watch him while we go. Our Saturday will be a wash but at least we will be avoiding rush hour traffic and neither of us have to take off work.

I took next week off of work which also works out well. If ER is Saturday then transfer will be either Tuesday or Thursday...providing we get that far. I'm starting to have some mini-doubts about things working out in our favor. We've come so far and (seemingly) I've done so well...I sort of feel the wind falling out of my sails. I'm trying really hard to stay calm and let whatever happens happen, but as we get closer all the "what if's" of what could go wrong are trying really hard to squeeze their way in. Starting with my new boss. He was supposed to be off next week so it made taking this time off easier...he has decided to come in. It's not as easy to be out when the boss is here working. The next thing was being pushed to Saturday for ER...not ideal but still very workable. I'm hoping that this is not the start of a domino affect on us. Just sitting here trying to remain calm and relaxed and focused on the task at hand....growing eggs.

Here are the stats for today's appointment:

13 follicles, 8 measurable ranging from 14.7 to 20.3 (cutting it close with that bigger one but trusting that the doc knows what he's doing.)
E2 is up to 1,785 - nicely done. I might really have 5 to 6 good eggs in there.

Thank you all, again, for your well wishes. It means a lot to me and I've been surprised by some lurkers that have commented lately! Hi ladies! Thanks for speaking up.

So Close!!!

2011-04-12T15:51:00.000-04:00

I know I already updated today but I just got my call from my nurse and I'm so excited! She's excited for me too, and that just feeds my own excitement.

My memory was obviously a little fuzzy when I posted earlier. My measurable follicles (she said all 8 of them!) are ranging in size from 15.3 to 17.7! How awesome is that?? My E2 is coming in at 1,472! I did some googling and was a bit worried at first but the more I read the more I figured I am doing ok. She said that I have a total of 13 follicles...wow! I'm not going to dwell on the ones that didn't grow big enough and I'm just going to be proud of the ones that did/are. My lining is a whopping 11.6! I thought it looked pretty thick this morning but I didn't ask the tech about it as I've never had lining issues and I could see the 3 lines pretty clearly. My nurse thinks that she will probably call me with triggering instructions tomorrow afternoon! Holy moly!

Guys, I'm just so happy right now. These numbers are so good. Looking at my E2 it seems that I might have at least 5 eggs maturing in there, maybe more if I go on the low end of the scale. (I looked back at my blood work numbers from my last IVF 2 years ago. On trigger day I had 5 follicles and my E2 was 1,001. I ended up with 4 eggs and only 3 mature. Those are the numbers I'm using to guess at this.) The fact that they are all so close in size is really a blessing. I'm so thankful to have gotten this far. I know that nothing is guaranteed but I can't help but feel like we could really get a baby out of this. I get tears in my eyes when I think about that. It could be my turn. I am also staying realistic...which sucks. But I'm not letting the negative creep in too much. The enormity of this is starting to set in but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping myself on the positive train...with Hope as my traveling companion. And all of you are here with me, too.

Please keep praying and if you aren't the praying type, please keep hoping and sending positive thoughts our way. I'm just so thankful to have your support and your encouragement. There is only 1 person IRL that knows pretty much exactly what is happening with me and she is praying, too. My old boss knows that we are doing this but she doesn't know everything because she's not here but she's pulling for us. Our families don't know anything this time around and I so hope that we can surprise them with happy news.

Please oh, please let this be IT for us.

More Scan Updates

2011-04-12T11:27:00.000-04:00

I received the call from my nurse yesterday afternoon (of course she called right when a meeting was starting) and she gave me some surprising news. I actually have 11 follicles but only the 7 were measurable. It disappointed me a bit that they were sitting there and not growing along with their buddies, but then I went back to being grateful that I have 7. My E2 had risen to 1,196 and as I thought, they did not change my medication and said to come back this morning. I was hoping for a little higher E2 but I guess that's ok. I'll have to google what the range should be.

I had my scan this morning and there wasn't a lot of change from yesterday which I think is a good thing. I don't want to go too fast. My largest follicle is measuring 19 and my smallest was 14 (I think). She also found another one on my left ovary that grew from yesterday to measure in at 10...so now I have 8 measurable follicles. I don't have any real expectations for that little one to catch up to the others so I'm still happy with my 7. I'm still seeing gobs of EWCM and my boobs are beginning to hurt more and more. I'm going to take those as good signs also. I'm just afraid of empty follicles...I had one last time.

Of course I'm getting ready to google what my E2 should be so we will see how my positive attitude handles that. :-)

I'm actually starting to get a bit nervous now that we are getting close and that I know that the ER will happen this weekend at some point. I'm rooting myself on and trying to stay calm at the same time. It's not easy. Especially when I'm so tired I feel like I can barely function at work properly. I'm dreaming so much that I don't feel rested in the mornings. I'm getting up about 15 minutes earlier than usual to give myself time for my injections and head to the clinic. It takes about 50 minutes to get there. And then I drive another hour to get to work (in traffic) and then I have to drive all the way home in the afternoon. It's definitely taking a toll on me.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and for being my cheerleaders! I really appreciate it and it makes this process a little easier to deal with.

Scan Updates

2011-04-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay. I had a very busy weekend and then our Internet was down this morning at work.

Here goes it:

Scan 1 was Saturday morning. I was scared that I responded too quickly, as I have in the past. I was scared of not responding at all, as I have in the past. My lining looked good and I told the tech about my cyst on my left ovary. She scanned righty first. She measured a lead follicle at 12 and then she said there were a few more that were too small to measure. She moved over to lefty and my jaw dropped. My cyst had doubled in size (or so it seemed)! She measured a follicle over there at 13 and then noted some smaller ones. I asked her if she thought those 2 leads would be a problem and she said no. She said that the others that couldn't be measured were just a tad smaller and that it shouldn't pose a problem. I told BJ that I was pretty certain they'd back off my meds. I got the call around 5:00 and indeed they had me eliminate my nightly dose of Gonal-F. I forgot to ask what my E2 was but I snooped at the computer screen after this morning's scan and it was 728. I was still to take my morning and evening Lupron (20 units), my morning Gonal-F (300) and my evening Menopur (150).

Starting yesterday afternoon, I noticed some EWCM. There's a lot of it, actually. And there still is today. I haven't seen this much in a very long time....I venture to say years. It has me worried about my E2 levels this time. I'm hoping to get the call about my blood work in the next couple of hours.

Scan 2 was this morning. I was really worried that the lead follicles took off. Especially since I have seen so much EWCM. My lining is thickening up nicely. My right ovary had 4 measurable follicles ranging in size from 12 to 16 and my left (still with the big ol' cyst) had 3 measurable follicles ranging from 11 to 14. Not bad, eh? I was so excited when I left there. The tech was excited for me, too. I made my next appointment for tomorrow morning. I'm guessing they won't change my meds unless something strange is happening in my blood.

SEVEN follicles! I know that pales in comparison to the ladies that get 15 to 20, but I only had 5 last time and only 4 eggs with 3 mature. Adding 2 more follicles is a lot of progress for me. I am so pleased with my progress and how my body is rising to the occasion this time. I actually keep telling myself that we are going to get a baby out of this. I know that it's very dangerous to have such a positive attitude but I can't help it right now. My mind is not grasping anything negative at this point. I probably won't make it to a Sunday ER but if I can hold off until at least Friday I'll be happy. The more time everything has to mature the better. I've only been on the Gonal-F for 6 days so I hope I'm not moving too fast. I might be a low responder but I'm quick, that's for sure.

I've been thanking God for helping me along during this cycle. I have been asking Him for help more than I have been asking my body for help this time around. Not sure if it's making a difference but it helps me to think that it is. It helps me to think that God wants this to work for us. And that He wants me to get my blessing out of my commitment and hard work and years of longing. I know that it's all up to Him and I'm hoping that our plans match. :-)

And thank you ladies for your good advice and your positive thoughts and your prayers. People always talk about the power of prayer so it's nice to know that I have all of you out there pulling for us.

Randoms

2011-04-08T11:53:00.000-04:00

Opening day of little league is Sunday!! We have pictures tomorrow and then the first game on Sunday. I can't wait. They have missed 3 practices due to rain so I don't expect a lot out of them Sunday but I'm still so excited to watch.
I'm sick to death of this weather. We get 2 Spring days, a Summer day and then 3 Winter days...what the hell? I'm tired of the clouds and the cold rain. I really need Spring to get here...heck, at this point I'll jump right into Summer. Bring on the heat!
I'm worried about the trees in my area. They had just begun to bud and then we had below freezing temps and snow for 3 nights in a row and now they look almost brown again. I've been watching them like a hawk and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. The younger trees are bright green and look great but the more mature trees look like they are heading back into Fall...not good.
We are going to the Nursery tomorrow afternoon to take a look at the proposed landscape plan. I'm looking very forward to seeing what he came up with. We will do most of the work ourselves but having a plan put together by a knowledgeable professional will come in very handy indeed.
My injections are going well. The evening session of mixing and injecting 3 different substances is a bit time consuming but I'm getting it done. I had a mishap this morning with my Gonal-F. When I pulled the needle out a few drops of the medicine along with some blood came back out. I freaked out a little but after those couple of drops nothing else came out. I don't think it was enough to really concern myself with but still. I had been doing so good and only had 2 bruises up until that happened. Now I have a nasty new bruise.
My tummy is sore to the touch. This is new for me as I wasn't sore at all last time. I find myself bending differently and pulling my pants down just slightly to ease the pressure. I don't think I feel any ovary growth yet, as in my pants are not tight around my belly, it's just sore.
I've been saying many prayers lately regarding my ovaries. I've been praying to God daily that He is allowing this medicine to do good things with my follicles and eggs. I'm keeping a very positive attitude and trusting that everything is working properly in there.
I have my scan and blood work tomorrow morning at 8:30. I'm glad these checks have been on the weekend so far, although it cuts into my morning snuggle time with my honey, it saves me from driving into work and taking a chance at being late. If all goes according to plan, my ER will be on a Sunday and no one will have to take any time off for it. Fingers crossed.
I have not been deemed important enough by PETA for even their form letter, which is fine. I don't need to get all riled up about it again. Damn if they don't piss me off, though. I've still been reading the responses others are getting and it's just so unfortunate that they just refuse to stop and THINK. I think the animals they are trying to save have more brain power than the employees of that crazy organization. Eff them.
My moods are evening out nicely. Other than my blowups at traffic, I've been pretty good. I don't feel like crying at everything and BJ doesn't seem so annoying anymore. :-) I'm still very tired and I think the meds are backing me up, if you know what I mean. I've only had 2 "meaningful" trips to the bathroom since starting the Lupron. Aside from an OTC laxative and prune juice (which I hate) is there something I can do to help move things along?
I'm thinking of taking the week of Spring Break off. My new boss will be out all but one day that week and it will be during the time of ER and transfer (hopefully) and the Little Guy will be out of school and it could be a good chance for a "TeeJay and Little Guy Day". We haven't had one in a while and he has asked me a couple of times when we were going to do that again. We usually go to the movies or the mall and get lunch or a special treat. The more I think about it the more I want to do it.
As I'm typing this it feels like my ovaries are swimming a little bit. I hope that means good things. I also hope it's my ovaries and not my constipation causing the feeling as I have only been on the stims since Wednesday morning. :-)

My Very Own PETA Letter! - Updated

2011-04-07T12:34:00.002-04:00

After reading From IF to When's blog post last night I just had to write this letter. It's not as eloquent or as powerful as some of the letters I have written but I just HAD to do it. I had to throw my hat in the ring. I seriously had a hot flash last night after reading this. I read it to BJ and he just shook his head...he doesn't fully understand but he pretended that he does so he gets brownie points for that. :-)

***************
Dear Ms. Newkirk,

I don't usually write letters like this but I feel such disdain about your vasectomy contest that I can no longer sit quietly by. I think your organization really needs to take a step back and really think about what you are saying when you run a contest in "honor" of a disease that over 7 million people suffer from. Yes, infertility is a disease as recognized by the World Health Organization, maybe you have heard of them?

I have been reading letter after letter and response after response between my fellow infertiles and your staff. One response in particular made my blood boil...literally...I had a hot flash I was so angry. I have pasted the segment below for your review. This came from HollyAnne Dame to a woman that suffers from infertility.

Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge, but it isn’t helpful to act on all our urges, no matter how strong. The issue is not whether one is infertile but whether it is responsible to keep adding people to a planet whose resources are already being stretched. In America, most people eat well, have a roof over their heads, and buy gasoline, but in much of the rest of the world, people are starving, forests are disappearing, and water is running out, and it seems a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes.

Let me ask you this, is it a prerequisite for PETA employees to be sterilized? If I were to apply for a job with PETA would I only be allowed to expand my family via adoption? Would I be fired if I got pregnant on my own?

Having a child is not just a compelling urge to humans, it's the way of the world. If we lived by your standards humans would fade away and who would be here to care for the animals? Every animal I have ever owned (and there have been quite a few) have all been rescued. If you really want the world to stop reproducing then you should think about how that would affect the animal population as well.

The infertile community is one of the most animal loving groups out there. We can't have babies so to fulfill our human need (or compelling urge) to nurture and love, we adopt animals...and lots of them. And we are responsible about it, too. PETA, on the other hand is not so responsible in how they try to get attention for their cause. Holding the contest is not what bothers us so much. It's the fact that you are holding it during National Infertility Awareness Week, a week in which we set aside to educate others about our struggles. A week set aside to bring awareness to our disease and hopefully some understanding as well. PETA is clearly mocking us and we will not stand for it.

I am appalled that you thought this was a good idea. Choosing to get a vasectomy is very different from infertility and should not, under any circumstances, be thought of as the same thing. We do not choose to be infertile. We fight infertility every day with the hopes of coming out the other side. We have to fight against the shame and embarrassment of our disease. We have to fight insurance companies that don't want to treat our disease. We have to fight the ignorance and the misconceptions of our disease with the people in our lives. And now it seems that we have to fight PETA, too. And we will do so. We are strong and we are ready.

Sincerely,
TeeJay

And here is the response I received:

"Please be patient. Your email will be sorted and answered or left to await Ms. Newkirk's return. Thank you!"

Maybe I'll get lucky and I'll get a real response later.

UPDATE: - If you would like to send your own letter to PETA you can use this address - ingridn@peta.org

Thank you all for your kind words about my letter...still no real response yet, not even the dreaded form letter. Stay tuned! And FYI - this is a great way to distract me from my sore belly and my crazy hormones. :-)

Whoa, Nelly!

2011-04-06T12:28:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. I don't actually know what has me so upset. Wait, I do know. It's Nothing in Particular. I injected myself with my Lupron this morning and then I added my Gonal-F...a dosage of 300. I'm sure that the Gonal-F is already messing with my hormones.

I feel sad and down. The complete opposite of what I have been feeling the last couple of days. The last couple of days have been splendid...I'm thinking positive thoughts, I'm smiling, I'm daydreaming good things...all of it. However today, I'm just down in the dumps. The only thing I can come up with for my mood is the injection this morning. Great. I can't wait to add another dose of 150 of Gonal-F this evening AND Menopur and yet more Lupron.

If I'm feeling this way with just one dose in me, I hate to see what I will be like after several days of stimming. My husband will not be a happy camper, that's for sure. I will have to keep myself busy at home as to not cry at the drop of a hat or pick a fight with him. I feel like I could do that, too. I feel a bit of anger brewing for every little thing he has done to annoy me over the last 24 hours (not that it's been much, but there are things). The last thing I want to do is start a fight but there is part of me right now that would welcome the chance to blow off some steam.

Man, oh man. I don't remember feeling like this the last time I was stimming. It was 2 years ago so I guess anything is possible. I'm trying to focus on my ovaries producing some really good follicles with very mature, normal eggs. My emotions are all over the place and I'm going to need something to focus on to keep myself in check.

PETA Campaign - WTF???

2011-04-05T15:31:00.000-04:00

Check out this post from Keiko about a new campaign PETA is running....the most absurd thing I have ever heard of!

Pass it along in any way you see fit. This is outrageous.

Come, Let Me Read Your Palm!

2011-04-04T12:28:00.000-04:00

At my appointment Saturday, I was told "Damn, you're good" by the tech doing my ultrasound. So I figured I could open up my own palm reading business and make a pretty good living. Let me explain...

Cutting to the chase (for those that don't want the dragged out long and very detailed version), I was cleared to start stims this morning!!! We are doing this, yo!

The long version is as follows.

So you know that I mentioned that it felt like I had a cyst. Well, I didn't feel it for a couple of days. I thought I was off the hook. Of course as soon as that thought came into my head, I felt the damn cyst. I signed in at the clinic at 8:30 Saturday morning. They called me back and another woman got up and we both looked confused as did the the girl getting ready to draw our blood. We have the same first name. That's never happened before...the tech even said, "it's not like you have a name like Jennifer or Heather..." She took my blood and then I waited for the u/s. When the tech came in she asked how I was doing and I told her that I didn't have a good feeling and that I'm pretty sure I have a cyst on my left ovary. She inserted the good old vag cam and measured my lining first...looks perfect at 5.8. Then she looked at my right ovary and entered <10, meaning less than 10 antral follicles. She actually had to push on my abdomen a little to get a clear picture. Then she came over to my left ovary. That's when I knew I had psychic powers. There it was, a very impressively large cyst. And in my head I said, "you motherfucker" to my ovary. The tech asked me how painful it was and I told her that it didn't really hurt that much but that I could feel it and I know every time I have one. She said that I still needed to see the nurse and that nothing was definitive yet until my blood work came back with the E2 report. I said, "well, I've been here before...."

The weekend nurse called me into her office and looked as disappointed as I felt. She started filling out my dosage calendar and I told her that I didn't know if she really should be doing that because my cysts are always giving off too much estrogen and delaying me...and that I'll probably just have to stay on these bcp that I hate. She still filled out the calendar and went over it with me. I checked out and the receptionist asked if I needed to make another appointment. I told her no that I had to wait for my afternoon phone call first. I headed out of there and just felt numb. Betrayed by my body...again. I sent BJ a text that I had a cyst and wouldn't be starting anything Monday. When I got home he gave me a hug and showed that he was not happy about the cyst and he always wants to know why I get them. I have no answer for that.

We went about our day and then the call came in just before 3:00pm. The weekend nurse that makes these calls has a British accent and I find myself distracted by how eloquent she sounds. Anyway, she starts out by telling me that my blood work came back great and that I can start my Lupron on Monday...blah, blah, blah. I had to interrupt her. "I'm a little confused...I have a pretty big cyst...isn't it giving off estrogen?" And she says that my E2 level looked good at 25.2 which is really no different than someone without a cyst...the doctor wants it below 50 so you are looking good to go." WOW! What a turn of events. I started taking notes of what she was saying because I just couldn't believe it. I got off the phone and proceeded to tell BJ what she said and gave him a big high 5. Of course, being the cynic that he is he just had to say..."they better be right...that cyst better not interfere with anything."

Yahoo! I was cleared to start stims! I can't even tell you how amazed I am that my body actually didn't let me down this time. Could this be the beginning of a trend? I dare to even hope that this could continue. I said so many thank you's to God Saturday and yesterday, I'm sure He's glad to be thanked instead of being begged for everything. So while I may be able to open my own palm reading business, I don't think I'd be very successful since I was only half right about the outcome of my appointment.

The Lupron has to be refrigerated so that is a minor inconvenience as I have to leave the bedroom first thing in the morning and then come back and shut the cats out. Ever since the bed peeing incident, we haven't let them in the room in the morning. :-( Gizmo raises Hell outside our door once he knows I'm up in the morning. He did ok this morning because BJ had to get up earlier than usual so he had someone downstairs with him pretty quickly. It won't be like that from now on, though. I gave myself the injection without any problems. No rust here, ladies. BJ was over at his vanity and even though I turned my back to him (he's squeamish) I think he snuck a peak of me in my mirror because when I was done he asked me if I "got r done". :-)

I have more to write about our weekend but I will save it for another post. This one is long enough. I'm still so excited to be underway!

Christmas in April - Infertility Style

2011-04-01T14:57:00.000-04:00

My box of meds came today. I have to have them delivered to my work because they have to be signed for. Getting the box felt a bit like Christmas. It's the same feelings I've had for the last couple of boxes I've received. However, I choose to look at this box as the box that is going to get me pregnant. Not literally, of course. :-)

The order is complete except I don't have my sharps container. I called Freedom and apparently my doctor didn't "prescribe" one but they will send one out that I should get Tuesday. I don't actually start injections until Monday.

I now have to try and fit everything in my book bag so that I can take it home. Should be fun. I can't leave any of my "presents" here!

My Lupron needs to be refrigerated and while I think the cold pack they have it in will be fine until I get home, I wrapped my silver insulated bag in an old Dress Barn bag, stapled it shut and put it in the office fridge. The last thing I need is someone poking around and wondering why a Dress Barn bag is in the fridge. That would be pretty funny...and embarrassing.

I have lots of syringes and I need a refresher on measuring out my Lupron. I will ask about that tomorrow at my scan. I know that one of the needles is used for mixing and the other is used for administering, just can't remember which is which.

I have lots of Gonal-f, too. There is also mixing involved with that one. I will definitely need to ask about all of this tomorrow. Provided I don't leave there in tears because of a cyst or other complication. Ugh, I don't want to think about that.

I have my oral Estrace and my vaginal Endometrin, my 2 pills of Zithromax for the night before retrieval and my HCG that BJ will have to administer...he just LOVES that part. Not.

So I'm set and I'm ready. I think. I've been getting butterflies off and on all afternoon. I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep but with the anticipation of tomorrow's appointment I'm not sure that will happen. I'm going to try, though. I'm also going to hope for the best. I'm going to hope that this terrible bcp has done it's job. It's terrible because my boobs are still super sore, I'm extremely fatigued and I have an insatiable thirst...I can't wait to stop taking them. No cysts or other roadblocks tomorrow...smooth sailing with instructions to start my microdose flare protocol Monday! (please, oh please!!)

PS - I'm trying to put a trip to Busch Gardens together for late Spring. In my new positive way of thinking, I keep telling myself, "it's not like I'll be able to ride any roller coasters so BJ and the Little Guy are on their own." (again, please, oh please!!)

Reasons I'm Nervous/Anxious

2011-03-28T15:49:00.000-04:00

1 - I feel like I have a cyst. This will delay my cycle and might be cause for concern once stims start. I was on Lupron too long the first time and had a paltry response to stims.

2 - My nurse never put me in the appointment book for my us/bw appointment on Saturday. She's very nice but a little flighty. I'm glad I called to confirm my appointment time. She makes me nervous.

3 - I will be paying for this cycle later this afternoon when the rep from the program calls me. Making the payment is a pretty big step in moving forward...closer to our dream or closer to...I can't even think that way.

4 - I'm scared to death of not responding well enough and getting canceled. We don't have the money to do this again.

5 - I'm at the point where I've had too much time to think and I start to worry...worry about all that can go wrong. It's silly to do this to myself but it seems I just can't help it.

6 - After looking at the calendar I realized that I will know whether or not I'm pregnant about a week before Mother's Day (providing we stay on track). That day could either suck royally (more than passed years) or be the greatest Mother's Day ever.

7 - This is the best one yet...I'm scared of succeeding and then having something go wrong.

Why does this fear eat away at me? I don't know why I keep giving in. The only thing that I should be thinking about right now is my scan on Saturday. Beyond that, there's just a foggy picture right now. I need to learn how to live in the now and stop being so scared of the unknown. I think infertility has skewed my view of good things that can happen. We seem to always fall on the short side of the statistics. I don't think I can actually accept that this just may work. It's too much to think about, really. If it works then there is another can of worms that will open up...a can that is all new and foreign to me. One that I'm scared of but one that I desperately want. How crazy is that? How crazy is it that I want something new to worry about? I want to worry about rising betas, about ultrasounds and heartbeats. I think I might just be sick in the head after all....I mean who wants to worry about that? Don't we all just wish that we could go through life like normal women? Get pregnant and just be happy about it and start telling everyone no matter how far along you are? Start buying maternity clothes and nursery furniture at 8 or 9 weeks? Wouldn't that be grand? Yes it would. I don't live in that world. Much like most of you don't live in that world, either. Instead we live in a world where we have to worry about bcp, stims, hormone levels and when we can trigger. We worry about never seeing 2 lines and then when we do...we worry some more. I've never seen those 2 lines but I'm hoping to very soon. And I'm hoping that I can let go of some of this fear when/if that happens.

I am going to do my best to just focus on one day at a time. The first hurdle is going to be my scan on Saturday. Where I'm hoping that I'm cyst free and ready to go. That is as far into the future as I can hope right now. One Day at a Time.

Ramblings

2011-03-28T10:59:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! I hope you all had a very lovely weekend. Mine was a mixed bag of busy and lazy...just the way I like it. Although I can totally do without any more snow. I can't believe that it snowed yesterday morning...and it was so cold. I felt like writing a letter to Old Man Winter and giving him a piece of my mind. Either that or Mother Nature is smoking something and doesn't realize that it's supposed to be Spring and lovely weather....not snow.

We had the nursery guy come out Friday evening and we talked with him for about 30 minutes. It was nice to talk to him because he obviously knows his stuff. I wished the weather would have cooperated this weekend because we are so ready to get outside. He's going to sketch something up for us and we will talk again in about a week to see what he has come up with. They charge $250 for this service, but then you get a $250 credit with their store...not bad.

We went to a local home show Saturday. We received free tickets from one of BJ's coworkers that sells Scentsy so we figured we'd check it out. We collected a bunch of brochures but it's nothing we really need. It's still fun to look, though. Saturday night we went out to listen to a local band. The singer's girlfriend was the bartender at the Lodge where they were playing. BJ had her make me a drink and it was good. There wasn't a lot of alcohol in it but I knew it was an orange crush...yummy. Since BJ was only having a couple of beers I decided to have another drink. She obviously added more alcohol to this one. I also drank the last 1/3 of it pretty quickly as it was time to go and I'm not one to throw a perfectly good drink away. :-) That drink kicked my ass! I haven't been drunk in quite a while but I definitely was Saturday night. I've had a good buzz here and there, but this was all out drunk. It started hitting me more and more on the way home, which was only about a 7 minute drive. Thankfully I was still "with it" enough to have some adult fun once we got home but you better believe that I was out like a light afterward. :-) And since it was really just the one drink that did me in I didn't have a hangover Sunday. I look at it as my last big hurrah before I start stims next week (hopefully).

Sunday was a lazy day in which all I did was run to the dollar store to get some decorations for my old boss's retirement party. After that we just hung out at home and watched a movie. We watched Blood Diamond. Such a good movie but it continually stressed me out. I kept waiting for the really tragic end but was pleasantly surprised when the family was reunited. That is the kind of movie that just makes my heart ache for other parts of the world.

I had to do some research on my bcp because my boobs are so sore that I can barely stand it. After reading about this brand of pill I feel like I am just having a normal reaction. Most of the reviews I read stated the same things I'm experiencing...sore breasts and extreme tiredness. This pill evidently has more progestin than most pills and it also affects your CM to be inhospitable, changes your cervix to not let swimmers through and if they DO get through, affects the uterus so that an egg can't implant...not that one will come out of the ovary when on the pill but I guess one can never be too sure. A very potent pill indeed.

My only concern right now is that I have a cyst. I'm experiencing all the signs of a cyst on my left ovary. I will be so pissed if I'm delayed this cycle. There's nothing I can do but wait until my scan on Saturday and that seems like an eternity right now. So if you could, please send some "no cyst" vibes (prayers) my way...I would much appreciate it. There's so much riding on this cycle and I really just want to keep on track...for my sanity's sake. You guys are the best!

Happiness Is...

2011-03-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

- the Little Guy had his first practice this last Saturday and it was so much fun. I so wish I could be a coach. Now that he's playing kid pitch (as opposed to machine pitch) I think the games are going to be so much more exciting. His coach is one of our neighbors that we got to know even before our houses were built and we really like his style and his dedication. He picked the LG to be on his team and we couldn't be happier. The LG was the first kid that got to practice pitching...and he loved it!

- getting a big laugh out of my husband last night. We were sitting on the couch and the LG was taking a shower. We heard something in the distance and BJ asked me if it was thunder or a helicopter. So I said, "I don't know, maybe you should rewind it." We both laughed really hard at that. See...we have a DVR and whenever we miss something we always just say "rewind it". It's so bad that we've even tried to do it for things we miss on the radio. We are so spoiled.

- chili dogs for dinner tonight. We had chili Tuesday night for dinner and decided to have chili dogs with the leftovers. I love a good chili dog.

- green grass, blooming trees and more daylight in the evening. I love this time of year. We are having a local nursery (plant, of course) send someone out to our house tomorrow evening to help us plan our front yard plant bed. I can't wait to dig up what the builder put in and expand things a little bit and make it the way I want it.

- BJ asking me if I'm sure I'm not pregnant because of all this boob pain I'm having. I told him that I had a pretty normal period. And then I got to thinking...my periods have been so light and short since my last IVF what if I mistakenly thought it was normal? It was a fleeting moment but the thought was there. How crazy would that have been?

- things are going ok with the new boss so far. Granted it's only been since Monday and he was traveling yesterday but still. I saved him from missing his connecting flight home yesterday so I figured I earned some brownie points

- my old boss has called me twice already! It's good to hear her voice and to hear how she's liking her first week of retirement. She's had a couple of technical questions (she's NOT technically inclined at all) about her iPhone and I have helped her. Some things never change.

Something is Happening and Are You Kidding Me??

2011-03-23T21:16:00.000-04:00

I started taking my bcp on Saturday as that was CD3. Today, which is only Wednesday, I have really sore boobs. I'm guessing that is because of the horomones that are in the pills. Although, I don't remember that from when I have taken bcp before. Especially this early in my cycle. Maybe it's because my body has just decided to do something different like it does every once in a while, I don't know. Maybe it means that the horomone level is too high for me. I hope not. I don't want to be supressed so much that my ovaries won't produce anything while stimming.

Either way...I can tell that there are artificial horomone stimulants in my body. They hurt like they did this last cycle right before my period started. I hope my body adjusts to this pill and it goes away. I have a very small chest but these little things are pretty damn sore.

I am also experiencing some left ovary pain. It sort of feels like a cyst and it sort of feels like I'm ovulating. Very strange, indeed. It comes and goes so I don't really know what to make of it. I'm hoping that something bad isn't happening, like my poor ovar is shriveling up never to make another viable egg. Ugh...I have such an imagination.

The are you kidding me part of this post is basically a rant about the other woman (the Little Guy's mother). We have the LG 50 % of the time. This is basically every other day during the week and then every other weekend. It works fine for us so far. When he's older it might not work so well but it does for now. The OW is taking classes at the community college, which is great. She has class Monday and Wednesday nights so we have the LG those nights and she now has him Tuesday and Thursday nights. It's different than what we are used to (it would switch every other week) but it's working and we don't have a choice and it's fine. It will be this way until May when her semester is over. As you know, the LG has started baseball. His practices (until games start) are Tuesday and Thursday, her nights. Last week she asked if BJ could pick the LG up from daycare on Tuesdays because she has a horse to take care of and she'll just pick the LG up after practice at 7:30. Hmmmm...so a horse (that you can see on Sundays) is more important than taking your son to practice? Ok...BJ agreed and so that put him at picking the LG up M, T and W. She called BJ yesterday and asked him if he could pick the LG up on Thursdays, too! This is how the conversation went:

OW - soooo Thursdays....are you picking LG up and taking to practice?
BJ - no...practice doesn't start until 6:00
OW - well it will be hard on me because by the time I pick him up after work and we rush to do homework and eat....it's all about rushing, it's not like I'm spending quality time with him.
BJ - that's how it will be at our house, too...just as much rushing...but you know what? I'll pick him up.

So now BJ is responsible for picking him up M, T, W and Th. I love that they will have that much time together but really? I'm pissed at her for throwing 4 nights of homework and 2 nights of practice all on BJ. Where is her sense of responsibility? Rushing around and trying to eat, do homework and get to practice are all things that happen when you have a child that is involved in activities. How do you just shirk that off? Again, it's not about the LG here, it's about her not doing what a parent should. I feel bad for BJ that he has to handle all of the after school stuff by himself and I wish I could get home earlier to help out. She seems to be thinking only of herself. Not cool, lady.

BJ told me that what he really wanted to say to her was "why don't I just keep him 7 days a week?" She actually was complaining to me that with her school schedule, she is not seeing him from Friday morning until Tuesday after school. And now she wants to limit her time even more? Makes no sense to me. We will go with it because that is what we do.

The Turning Point

2011-03-22T13:02:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if I ever blogged about the experience that changed my view on becoming a parent, so I will today.

When I was a kid (let's say 10-15) I didn't want to get married and I didn't want to have any kids. I was adament about both. Everyone said I would change my mind. I told them that I wouldn't and I gave my reasons:
- I didn't want to answer to any man.
- I wanted my own life.
- I didn't want to cook and clean for a man.
- Kids came with marriage so I just wouldn't have any of those, either.
- I baby-sat so much that I knew how bratty kids could be and I didn't want to deal with it.
- I didn't want stretch marks and the pain of labor.

There were some deeper rooted reasons for these feelings that I didn't really realize at the time. Time and maturity and learning a bit about human behavior helped me come to terms with such things.

- I had some bad experiences with a man when I was young and the thought of a man touching me made me sick to my stomach.
- I actually never thought anyone would want to marry me.
- We live in a pretty messed up world sometimes and the thought of bringing a child into said world really scared me. I didn't think I was equipped to keep a child safe from all the bad.
- I could never picture myself being a mother let alone a wife to someone.

Not very sound reasons, but to a child with a young mind, it made perfect sense to me.

I was 16 and my step-mom had a friend that I baby-sat for on a pretty regular basis. She was definitely the definition of Fertile Myrtle. They had 3 kids and were expecting their 4th. I was asked to be the person that would stay home with the 3 when it was time for the 4th to join the family. Their first child was a special needs boy of 5 or 6. Their second child was a girl that was 4 (I think) and their 3rd child was a girl that was just over 2. The call came in the middle of the night. I went over to their house and they were on their way out. The youngest girl had trouble sleeping so I went into her room. She was very upset and had cried herself into a mess. I sat on her bed and then it happened. She put her arms around me and laid her head on my chest and began to settle down. I rocked her until her breathing steadied and she calmed down enough to lay back down.

The moment she put her little head on my chest my heart swelled and I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I wanted my child to find comfort in me that way. It felt kind of like the Grinch when his heart grows...I realized how great that feeling was and I wanted more of it. I saw her as a child in need that turned to me for comforting and not just a kid I baby-sit. It was eye opening to say the least.

Of course, I still never thought I'd get married. I also never told anyone about that experience. I couldn't let them know that I had changed my mind....I was a teenager and adults were never right. :-) It was that moment about 19 years ago that my heart began wanting a child. It would take quite a few more years to really head down that path but that's just because I was young and not sure I was ready for a child just yet. I've been ready for 10 years now and I hope that this IVF works and I get to realize my dream.

Changes All Around

2011-03-21T11:04:00.000-04:00

Friday was a really hard day for me. It was my boss's last day. I was an emotional mess to say the least. My entire work life has changed. I tried to have a conversation with her about my new boss and what my concerns were and I couldn't even speak. The emotions were running too high. I was on the verge of tears all day. It came time for me to leave and she had someone in her office. Neither of us wanted to say good-bye. It was good that I was running late for my bus and that she had someone in with her. We hugged, cried and tried to say something to each other but the only things coming out were tears.

The staff gathered together for cupcakes and stories and good-byes. Of course, my cell phone started ringing in the middle of everything. I ran out of the room to answer my nurse's call. She said that my calendar had changed just a little bit. I will now be on bcp for only 14 days. I have an appointment on 4/2 for u/s and b/w. As long as everything is ok, I will start my microdose Lupron (20 units) on 4/4 every 12 hours. I will do this for 2 days. On the third day I will start my FSH injections and my Menopur. I will do this for 3 days and then return to the office for monitoring. Further dosing instructions will follow after that appointment. They have a tentative ER set for 4/17 and a tentative transfer date of either 4/20 or 4/22.

This changes my timeline a lot....of course if all goes as planned. And I know from experience that things don't usually go as planned for me. We shall see. If we could do an ER on 4/17 that would be awesome because it's a Sunday and no one would have to miss work. And if by some miracle we make it to a 5 day transfer that would be Good Friday and I'm already off that day. BJ wouldn't go with me for the transfer so he wouldn't have to miss any work. Another reason to root for a 4/17 ER is that we have the Little Guy that weekend but we could arrange for him to stay at his cousin's Saturday night and then just pick him up on our way home and no one has to be any wiser on what we are doing. It all sounds good, right?

So there I was, feeling very excited about my cycle starting and very sad about my boss leaving...it was a very conflicting afternoon indeed.

Our neighbors had their baby on 3/14. These are the neighbors that had been trying for quite a while for #3 and that I spilled my guts to last Spring about our IF woes. I went to her shower last month. We kept meaning to go over and see the baby but we have been really busy. The one time we were really ready to go over there both mommy and baby had just fallen asleep. Anyway, they popped over to our house yesterday evening. I wasn't prepared for that...I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner. The dad had the baby and when I stepped up to look at her he handed her to me. She is the spitting image of her father...no joke. She's cute and small and wriggly. Here's the strange part...I didn't really feel anything when I held her. I wasn't sad, I wasn't bitter, I wasn't excited, I wasn't filled with hope...nothing, nada, zilch. I just talked to her and touched her little nose and tried to stop her from gouging out her own eyes. This is a change for me. I usually avoid holding babies...especially ones that are not family. I don't think I have held a newborn since our niece was born almost 4 years ago. I wasn't filled with the "wanting to eat you up" syndrome either. It was very strange. I felt very detached and unaffected. I'm worried about what that means for me. I don't know if that means I have given up hope or that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Maybe it means my heart is starting to heal and accept that I won't have a baby of my own. That can't be it because I got tears in my eyes when I typed that sentence. My heart has accepted no such thing. At least not yet.

I have a meeting with my new boss at 2:00 today. I have some questions and I hope I can come out of there feeling a little less lost. There's so much change happening around me that I'm having a hard time keeping up. I need to find a way to relax and release the stress so that my body is ready for this IVF project. I don't want to look back and have regrets and wonder what would have happened if I had just "relaxed" a little. I know the word "relax" can be an Infertile's least liked word, but I've seen proof recently that relaxing might actually play a roll in this stupid game.

CD 1

2011-03-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

My period started this morning. And wouldn't you know that I was supposed to have my annual exam this afternoon? The doctor's office has rescheduled with me twice and I was afraid of this happening. I made my first phone call to my OB/GYN to reschedule. She's not free to see me in the office closest to my house until May 3! My next phone call was to my nurse, Crystal. I left her a message letting her know that today is day 1. She should be calling me soon to tell me to start my bcp on Saturday, CD3. This is really happening...like now. By the time May 3 comes around I will probably be in my 2ww. Not sure I will be keeping that appointment. Probably not a good idea to have a pap when I'm trying to create a great place for a baby to grow. We'll see. I'll ask Crystal when I talk to her this afternoon.

I will admit that I was still hoping for a miraculous conception. My period wasn't late or anything but the only sign that I had that she was coming was a headache Monday night. I pretty much chalked that up to all the driving I did. My moods have been pretty mellow, I haven't been overly tired, I don't feel bloated...although my boobs have been hurting since Saturday...but that could mean either pregnant or not....I was going with the former. Silly girl.

I was happy to see AF arrive, but I was also scared. We are doing this. We are spending the money (as dumb as it may be right now) and we are moving forward. I'm going to be giving myself shots in a little over 3 weeks. The roller coaster ride has officially begun.

In other news...our neighbor (he has 3 boys and he loves sports and he's really good at sports) is going to be the Little Guy's little league coach this year! Yay! I think the LG will learn a lot from him and in a positive way. They will have practices at the elementary school that is about 2 minutes from our house. Double yay! The first practice is this Saturday from 1:00 to 3:00.

My boss's last day is tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. She's been driving me nuts these last 2 weeks trying to get all of her personal electronics straightened out and figured out. She is very e-challenged and has always been able to just call me into her office when she needs help. Not anymore. I'm worried about her. I've gone over her new cell phone with her and taught her some basic stuff. She needs to get her phone numbers transferred over and that should be it. Her office is a mess because she's cleaning stuff out. My new boss told me today that he wants to have a sit-down Monday to go over a "bunch of things." I.can't.wait. Change is inevitable but sometimes it really sucks.

I offered up a peace offering to my co-worker from my last post. She loves canned coke so I bought her one and left it on her desk with a little note that apologized for being 'difficult'. She gave me a hug and said that she just wants 'the old TeeJay back'. I smiled and thought to myself...'yeah, there's a lot of things I wish could be the old way'. So we are fine for now and things will be so busy for me in the near future that I don't think I'll have time to 'not be nice'. I'll be focused on work and on my upcoming IVF. Not much room for anything else.

I have more to blog about but I'm a bit pressed for time right now. I do want to let everyone know that I'm reading your blogs, I'm just not getting many comments in. I've figured out how to "like" a post from my iPhone so I have been doing that a lot. Please know that I am reading and rooting for you and my thoughts are always with you. You guys are the greatest therapy a girl good have.

Things I Have Learned Recently

2011-03-16T11:02:00.000-04:00

1 - Driving to and from Philadelphia in one day is exhausting. I spent about 7 hours driving on Monday...all by myself. I'm very proud of myself, though, as I have never driven that far alone before. It was a little intimidating but I had my mapquest and my GPS to help me out. I hit minimal traffic and was home by 6:20.

2 - It's a little harder to connect with my sister in person than it is electronically. We had a nice visit but we were running a little short on things to talk about. I'll have to write about our relationship another time but it's a little, um, awkward I think. She's 6 years younger than me and we didn't grow up together. We had lunch at the mall and talked a little and it was great to see her again. I love her dearly and wish she didn't live so far away so that we could have a real relationship.

3 - My niece is adorable. She's almost 3 (next month) and talks like a 4-year old. She has red hair and brown eyes and skinny little legs. She's smart, too. She can play Angry Birds...at 2! She took a little time to warm up to me but by the end of things she ended up giving me a hug and a kiss good-bye and when I said "I love you" she responded in kind. *sigh* My heart melted. Again, I wish my sister lived closer to me so I could really spend some time with her.

4 - I am apparently very stressed out and it's affecting my personality. My co-worker/friend sent me an e-mail the other day asking me what has happened to me because I'm not very nice anymore. Ouch. There's back story here that justifies a bit of my problem with her, but not all of it. I have since apologized and listed several reasons why I'm having a hard time lately: My boss of 11 years is leaving, the other support staff aren't very supportive in the office so everyone is turning to me, I'm planning my boss's retirement party, I have no idea how the dynamic of the office is about to change, changes in the office staff have been rapidly happening around me and I feel lost...like I'm not sure where I fit in around here anymore. What I didn't mention to her is my upcoming IVF, the fact that BJ's company could be on the brink of bankruptcy (another story for another time) and just my overall feelings of wanting to go away for a couple of weeks to just clear my head and chill and reset myself. Anyway, we are ok now but I definitely need to make sure I keep my stress level out of my everyday behavior.

5 - My husband has good sperm, they are little warped, but the doctor isn't worried about it. His concentration was 39 million (they want it above 20), his motility was 63% (they want it above 50%) and his morphology was 10% normal (they prefer it above 14%). My nurse said that because the concentration was so high there wasn't much concern for the morphology. Ok, I can live with that.

6 - My husband really needs to listen to me better. I explained to him, more than once, how confusing the clinic's new location was and told him specifically how to get into the building. He scoffed at my persistence with him. Guess what happened? I got a panicked and nasty, I might add, phone call from him because he was lost and didn't know how to get into the building. GRRRR! His phone was cutting out because he was in the parking garage and I was trying to talk and he just kept talking over me...it was not pleasant to say the least. He finally did what I told him to do (this was probably the 5th time I explained it to him) and he made it with his swimmers just fine. What is it with some men that they just don't listen? I was so irritated with him because that phone call was exactly what I was trying to avoid. But it's done and over and now I know that he will never listen to what I say no matter how many times I say it so I will just save my breath.

7 - I'm exceptionally ready for Spring this year. The trees along Capitol Hill are starting to bud and the tulips that are planted in the park across the street are growing nicely and will be blooming soon...I can't wait. I'm so done with the cold weather and the brown grass and bare trees...I really need Spring this year. It'll be like a new start, hopefully.

Bloggy Buddy in Need of Help

2011-03-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone!

Most of you probably already know this but for anyone that doesn't....

My bloggy buddy (and GREAT supporter) Sarah is having an auction to help raise money for their upcoming adoption. The baby will be here before we know it and Sarah needs all the help she can get.

Please stop by and take a look (here) to see if there is anything you would like to bid on. If you don't see anything that interests you but you'd like to help, they have a "donate now" button that will let you contribute via PayPal.

Thank you so much for anything you can do to help Sarah bring home her baby!

PS - just as a side note, she'd like to keep her "regular" blog a secret if possible. Thanks!

Happiness Is...

2011-03-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

It's been way too long since I have done of these and I need to get back to it...so here goes.

- noticing the trees up on Capitol Hill are starting to get the tiniest of buds on them...Spring is coming!

- attending a crop for charity last Saturday and getting quite a bit of work done. I'm about 2 years behind on our family album (that's so sad) so it was really good to get some pages done.

- having a conversation with my little Gizmo. It usually goes something like this:
me - where's your paper? (his most favorite thing to chase/fetch/bat around is balled up paper!)
him - quiet meow that is barely audible
me - where's your paper??
him - high pitched squeak
me - did you lose it under the stove again?
him - loud squeaky meow
me - I go hunting for the paper and if I can't find it, I make him a new toy. :-)
He's so much fun

- the Little Guy has baseball tryouts this Saturday! Yay for baseball being back. He will be playing kid pitch this year so we are very excited. Tryouts are basically just to place players in a fair manner onto each team. He will have a team within a couple of weeks and then practices will be starting!

- going to see my sister and her kids Monday! She's getting married in June and I'm in the wedding. We haven't seen each other since the Summer of 2003. We've had a strained relationship over the years but thanks to FB we have reconnected. I'll write more about my family eventually but for now I'm just very excited to see her and my nephew and meet my niece for the first time.

- getting a new decal for the back window of my trailblazer. It was the Redskins emblem but it was old and tired and I decided I needed a change. So now I have the Capitals emblem back there. I couldn't thank BJ enough for putting it on for me...now I'm stylin'!

2011-03-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice on my last post. I had been doing some web surfing to see if I could find a reason why it happened and many people said it was because of an illness (like my brilliant readers). If it happens again (not in our bed or the Little Guy's because they have both been banned) I will be getting them both tested for infections.

We are moving right along with our IVF plan. BJ is scheduled to drop off his, um, sample and get his blood work done Monday. I'm on CD19 right now (I had to check my FF chart to see where I am!!) but I have no idea when I ovulated because I didn't feel it this month. However, I'm sure AF will show up next week between the 16th and the 19th. Once that happens I will call and make my CD3 appointment and then begin bcp on that day as long as everything checks out ok. We will really be on our way...wow...I sometimes can't believe we are doing this again.

Sometimes I feel like "why are we wasting our money?" Other times it's "of course it will work this time...we are more prepared as far as my protocol goes." BJ had a bad experience trying to make his appointment with the receptionist and he called me to vent about it. In his venting he blurted out that he believes it will not work and that the clinic will just get more of our money. I let him vent instead of starting an argument by questioning if he's really ready for this. Of course that sent my mind in motion even more.

Should we be doing this? Should we just leave well enough alone? If it works, will it be everything I want it to be? Will BJ and I clash over child rearing and will my marriage suffer? With the sleep deprivation that will plague us cause us to constantly bicker? If it doesn't work will I get my tubes blocked to put an end to this journey? Will I be able to hold myself together enough knowing that I will be bio-child free for the rest of my life? Will my marriage suffer because of my depression that is sure to set in? Will we pursue adoption? Am I ready to share another child? How would we afford adoption if we spend $8,000 on a failed IVF? Adoption can cost up to $30,000...wow.

There are so many questions running through my mind right now. I know it's because we didn't cycle right away...too much time to think about everything and analyze and second guess. I know I want a baby, but what if it changes things and not for the better...as far as my marriage goes? I worry about that. I worry because BJ already feels like he's too old to start over. I worry because we don't see eye to eye on about 35% of child rearing issues. I worry because I don't know how NOT to worry.

I must sound like a rambling fool. I know I am fortunate enough to be able to pay for an IVF. Millions of women don't get that opportunity. I'm just not the type that can move through life with reckless abandon. I feel that we pretty much did that earlier with our 2 IUI's and our failed IVF. I would have moved straight to IVF and probably qualified for the shared risk program since I didn't have a failed IVF under my belt yet. There's no use dwelling on the past but it still really bugs me.

Anyway, I'm just rambling here and I don't even know if this post makes any sense. I want a baby and I'm hoping with everything I have that I get one out of this. The fear of the unknown must be what's really bothering me. I'm hoping to feel differently once I actually start cycling. Until then, I will sit here and worry about anything and everything.

Total Frustration Day

2011-03-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning one of my cats (at first I thought Gizmo but now I'm not so sure) pissed on my bed. A LOT. Right in the middle. I was stunned to say the least. More like, angry, scared, confused, anxious...all sorts of things. All I wanted to do was wring his neck and then try to cover it up somehow so that BJ wouldn't find out. I didn't do either. I ripped the bedspread (that I searched for months for) off the bed and the sheets and then I remembered that we have a mattress pad on our bed. It came off, too. Thankfully none of it soaked through to the mattress. A new mattress is not in the budget right now. I decided to lock both cats in the basement with their food, water and bed for the day. I started the washing machine and out the door I went. Then came the fun task of telling BJ. I know his feelings...if the cat pees in the house, it has to go. I told him and he was upset and confused just as I was. He got home first and he actually let both cats out of the basement. He was nice to both, too. He loves Gizmo more than he thought he would. He gives him kisses and holds him like a baby and calls him his buddy. However, if it happens again we will have problems. Especially since now we aren't sure which cat did the deed. It's too much to type out but Gizmo was definitely the front runner until I really started thinking that maybe Smokey was ticked about Gizmo jumping up on the bed...HER bed....that she has been banned from (at night) since we brought Gizmo home because he woke BJ up climbing on us. The litter boxes have been cleaned better than usual and the tops taken off as I read an article that says cats prefer to be able to see when they pee. They were not locked in the basement today but all bedroom doors were closed. I haven't tried to clean my bedspread yet...that is tonight's task. I will be so upset if it's ruined. Wish me luck.

I'm so scared it will happen again. I can't have a cat for a pet that lives outside. What is the point of having it as a pet? Also, it's too dangerous out there for little kitties what with other animals and raccoons and other cats. And I can't get rid of them. I would die inside. If I was 100% certain which cat it was maybe I could figure out why it happened. Parting with either of them would kill me...I would suffer a broken heart for sure. I've had Smokey for almost 10 years...she was with me through some very dark times in my life. She was my cuddle partner on many lonely nights and she always makes me smile. And Gizmo, he's such a bright spot in our lives. He's so verbal with us and so much fun to play with and he just loves getting his belly rubbed when I come home from work.

I have been so stressed about this since it happened. I can hardly think of anything else but my babies. I have to hope and pray that neither of them do anything like this again. I wish they could really understand me when I talk to them. Please don't pee anywhere but in your litter box, Kitties...mommy loves you so much and I can't bear the thought of losing either of you!!!

Things I Have Learned Recently

2011-03-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

- it's better (for me) to travel with just my husband and not another couple. It's too difficult to figure out what everyone wants to do and keep everyone happy. Especially when, in my opinion, there should be some alone time for each couple. We traveled to Atlantic City with our neighbors. It was fine, but not great. I told BJ that we need a real vacation.

- above mentioned neighbor never ceases to surprise me with her parenting ways. All of her kids are in their early 20's. She said that the first night she had her son at home (her first born) she woke up at every noise he made and so she decided that it was time for him to sleep in his own room. I know there are plenty of parents that do this and I don't judge you at all. The tone of her voice was what threw me for a loop. It was as if her sleep were more important than making sure her kid was ok. She didn't even have a monitor to listen to him...she said if SIDS is going to happen it's going to happen no matter where they sleep. While this may be true, I have heard and read that listening to mom and/or dad breath can help "remind" the infant to keep breathing. Maybe I'm being too hard on her, after all, she was not an infertile so maybe the panic of maybe-my-happiness-will-be-taken-away-from-me-if-I-don't-guard-it-to-the-fullest-extent-possible did not plague her every thought.

- I really hate winter. We have had 3 wonderful days (60's to near 70's) scattered over the last 2 1/2 weeks and then it jumps right back into the 30's. Yuck. I'm so over Winter.

- I like going to a comedy show with my husband. We saw a show in Atlantic City and we both laughed a lot. It was the best thing we did.

- the Little Guy's mother needs a lesson in paying attention. We had him last Thursday night and then not again until last night because of our trip. He took a shower yesterday morning because she forgot that he hadn't had a shower since last Thursday. Disgusting.

- it's nice not peeing on opk's and taking my temperature. And to tell you the truth, it has helped me to relax a bit. I know that the IVF is around the corner so I'm not going to stress about opk's right now. And I will let you in on a secret...I don't even know what cycle day I'm on. Can you believe that? That hasn't happened in, well, years.

- while it may seem like a good idea to plan a trip when your boss is going to be out of town, don't be surprised if everything changes while you are gone....like the out of town boss was really in town because the meeting was moved locally. My boss is retiring, I think I've mentioned that before, and her end date was pretty open ended....late March, early April. That gave me time to fit in my IVF with lots of understanding because she, too, was an infertile. Well, she was given her end date while I was out of town...March 18. Egads! That's only 2 weeks away...and well before my IVF! Our 2nd in command is being named acting director and I have no idea what that means for me. He's a man...a man that practically lives at work and thinks everyone else should too. I really hope this doesn't add a myriad of stressors (I don't think that's a word) to my IVF cycle.

- I love my iPhone...I was able to read quite a few blog posts while I was away and that helped me to keep up with all my bloggy buddies. I didn't have a chance to comment but I was reading!

- I'm really bummed about my boss leaving. I've been on the verge of tears since I learned her actual departure date. I've only ever had one boss in the last (almost) 11 years...this is going to be very tough on me.

- I need to make a real commitment to fitness. I'm hating my jiggling body and now is the perfect time to try and lose a few pounds and tone up a little bit before the IVF. As we all know, those meds can really mess with a girl's body.

Those are just some of the things I've learned recently. I'm sure there are more but those are the standouts. I hope everyone is having a good week.

I've Been Tagged!

2011-02-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

Sarah over at Babies Everywhere....tagged me so now I'm IT!

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
My cats are my babies. Smokey is almost 10 and Gizmo is almost a year. Gizmo is the baby of the family and we always tell him that. :-) My husband holds him like a baby and gives him kisses and it's the cutest thing...really hope he gets to do that to a human baby. Gizmo is the typical little brother, too. When Smokey is trying to eat, he'll push her aside and steal bites of food. He's so bad and we know he's only doing it to lessen the amount of food she gets. And Smokey is so patient with him...he's lucky she's not meaner.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To be a normal fertile. I'd love to have had a baby already and then worry about birth control and freak out if my period is late...you know, like normal families do.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
I'd pay all my dad's debt off. I'd buy a condo or townhouse for my mother in FL. I'd set up a college fund for my nieces and my nephew. The nieces would also get dream weddings. I'd do the same for BJ's sister and her kids...no more debt. Then I'd research the best children's charities and donate a boatload of money to help sick kids. I'd have a vacation home some place tropical and another in the mountains (for Fall vacations so we could marvel in the beautiful colors.) And of course I'd try IVF a few times and if we still failed then I'd adopt 2 babies (don't tell the husband as he's only prepared for 1).

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Watching something funny on TV or reading a good book. Also, petting and playing with the cats works well.

5. What is your bedtime routine, with your kids?
Since I'm a step mother, I can answer this. He's told to brush his teeth, go potty and then get in bed and we'll be up in a minute. We then have to stand around his bedroom for a few minutes and tell him to hurry up and get in bed because he's piddling. The covers get tucked in, I hand him Harold (his small stuffed bear), give him a hug and a kiss and tell him to sleep good, have sweet dreams, I love him and I'll see him in the morning. I turn off the light on my way out and BJ sits on his bed and tickles him or something to make him scream. They talk for few minutes (I think these are the best conversations they have) and then I have to remind BJ that the Little Guy needs to go to sleep because he has to get up early. There's more laughter from the bedroom and BJ finally emerges, echoing this phrase that must.be.said.every.night...love you, good night, see you in the morning. It's like that almost every night...I kid you not. :-)

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?
BJ and I met at a bar...gasp! We started out as just friends that would sit or stand next to each other on Karaoke night and chat. And then it developed into more as the time went on. That bar was our favorite place to hang out...it was like Cheers. Everyone knew us and we knew just about everyone else. We didn't have to tell the bartender what we wanted as it was pretty much ready for us by the time we got up to the bar because they had seen us walk in. Sadly, the bar burned down 2 years ago. We don't live in that area anymore so we don't miss it as much as we did...but it's still sad.

7. What kind of books do you read?
Mostly mysteries or thrillers. I love Dean Koontz books. I've branched out a little this passed year since I now have a Kindle. I've read some much more light hearted mystery books. I love a good mystery.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Hard question. I have hopes but then I've had hopes before. Let's just say that I hope to be happily married, healthy and living in a warmer state. I'd like to visit the Little Guy at college or have him come home for a visit. It goes without saying that I'd like to have a 9 year old child in 10 years.

9. What’s your fear?
Losing either BJ or the Little Guy.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
Probably not...I know that sounds crazy but I can see outer space at a planetarium and I have (hopefully) a lot of years on this planet to enjoy brownies and cookies.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit the snooze button...right now I'm not temping but taking my temperature comes after that and then I lay in bed for a few minutes and then it's off to start my day.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him more patience.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
When I was a kid I wanted my name to be Jessica...like from the Sweet Valley High books. :-) I've never been fond of my real name as it really belongs back in the 60's but I wouldn't know what else to call myself now.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?
SUN

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Chocolate pudding. I had some last night, low fat, and it was so smooth and yummy.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Being able to say what I'm feeling without interruption and without feeling like I might upset someone. Blogging has been a great outlet for me in my day to day life. I can have a bad day and it's ok to come here and talk about it. That, to me, is priceless.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
If it's food, probably salty. If it's a snack, then sweet for sure.

18. What items are in your purse right now?
Oh my....too much to list all of it...a WW point calculator, a copy of our marriage license, regular stuff like money, credit cards, ID, tampons and pantyliners, a leather key chain that the Little Guy made at the bass pro shop last summer, Japanese food coupons...etc. :-)

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Beach...I love the water and listening to the waves.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?
Hell's Kitchen is probably the worst reality TV that we watch. It bores me but I can't stop watching Ramsey call people names and throw food around.

Here are the folks I would like to tag next:

Alison - I'm new to her blog but I like the way she writes.
Ephalba - I'm new here, too.
Egg - She's about to have twins!
AplusB - She just had twins!

Oodles of Updates

2011-02-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

Thank you everyone for your well wishes the other day. I realized that my appointments were all during ICLW and was sorry that I didn't do a proper introduction of myself. Sorry about that. For anyone popping over you can get a quick run down of my history in the sidebar over to your right. My husband, BJ as he's known here, and I have decided to try IVF one.last.time. I'm in the middle of my pre-screening process right now. We will miss a cycle but I think it's for the best considering that we don't yet have the money all gathered and it helps to reduce stress if we take these big steps a little slower.

My nurse called me the other day with my stats from my blood work.

Estrogen - 118 - they'd like it be below 50. It's elevated because of the cyst, not a huge deal right now.
FSH - 8.21 - I was really happy to hear that until she burst my bubble with "it's probably being suppressed by the elevated estrogen, but it's still good." I'm sticking with happy as my last FSH was almost 10.
LH - 3.39 - good
Prolactin - 16.1 - they want it below 25 so that's good.
TSH - 1.86 - they want it below 2.5 so that's good.

Overall I got a good report. Yay, go me!

I had my mock embryo transfer yesterday, otherwise known as a saline sonogram. It was pretty uneventful. Dr. M said that I have a beautiful uterus. In my head I said, "ok, now tell that to my embryos so they will want to stick around for 9 months." I had him check on the fibroid and he said it was so far away from where a baby would be that it's nothing to worry about. Whew. I know the tech said that yesterday but I wanted to make myself feel better so I asked him about it. I'm glad I did. I told BJ about my "beautiful uterus" and he said that he didn't like that Dr. M was flirting with me. :-) I signed my portion of the consent forms and left them with our nurse. BJ will have to sign them when he drops off his sample and gets his blood work done. That will not be next week because we are out of town until Wednesday and he will be too busy catching up Thursday and Friday. Another reason why it's ok that we are missing a cycle.

I filled my prenatal and my bcp prescriptions. I'm sure the tech that filled them had a good chuckle about my combination of meds. She may have been confused as to why I wanted prenatals AND baby stoppers until she noticed the letterhead on which each was written. I will start the prenatals tonight. The bcp will get started on either CD1 or CD3 of my next period. I will call my nurse on CD1 and see what she says. I must admit, I had a little spring in my step after picking up the vitamins.

I called my ob/gyn's office and had them fax my most recent pap to my nurse.

And now I wait. I wait for BJ to get his stuff done. I wait for CD1. I wait for this journey to really begin.

Another update I have is on BJ. Remember back to when he had his endoscopy? Remember when he was given the all clear? Well, not so fast. His primary care physician looked over his test results and had a few more comments to make. He's also not pleased with the GI doctor's handling of things. BJ has esophagitis, which we knew. The GI doc said to just take the OTC stuff for heartburn and it will get better. Not so. PCP (primary care doc) said that BJ needs a much stronger medicine. PCP also said that BJ has a hiatal hernia that GI doc never mentioned. And another bit of info not disclosed is BJ's slightly enlarged prostate. PCP says that he's too young to have something like that. He also said that it's so slight that it's not really a problem right now but something to keep an eye on in the future. So, not all bad news, but news that we really needed. Oh, and BJ hurt his shoulder again. So that means, along with getting his MRI on his back (which he is procrastinating about for some reason) he's going to have to have something done about his shoulder.

We got our taxes done last weekend. We are getting back what we had hoped to get back. It's not enough to cover the IVF so we'll have to charge some of that. We are looking to take the loan from my 401k for the pool since that will be a larger chunk of money now that we are not doing the shared risk program for the IVF.

I think that's all of the updates for now...as if that weren't enough. :-) I still need to do my Tagged post since Babies Everywhere was kind enough to Tag me. I'm hoping that I'll have time tomorrow to tackle that post.

Helllooo in There!

2011-02-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

I had my baseline u/s and b/w this morning. I wasn't too nervous about it but there was some underlying anxiety...there still is as I sit here and wait for the results. I was really supposed to go yesterday as yesterday was CD3 but it didn't work out so I went this morning. They moved offices so the set up is a little different but the people aren't. The tech that took my blood (3 vials!) was the one that used to have problems finding my small veins. She didn't remember me and she had no troubles, which was good. As I was waiting to be called for my u/s I started worrying about what they would find in my b/w...an even higher FSH level? Perhaps some anomaly that only affects 2% of women? My imagination was definitely running away with me. I was called into the room by one of the head nurses that remembered me from 2009. She's very nice and pleasant. The u/s tech was also very nice. She looked at my records on the screen and said, "well it's the same as in 2009...undress from the waist down and sit on the table." As I waited for her to come back I remembered back to my last few dates with Wandy and how much anticipation I felt at every encounter. I started to get antsy because I know how much our bodies can change in a short amount of time and I just wanted everything to go smoothly.

She came back and I laid down and she turned the screen towards me. I noticed a black circle up where there shouldn't be one. She said it's a fibroid. She said it's really small and far away from where a baby would be living. That didn't reassure me at all. She measured the lining and everything looked good in that respect. Then she scanned my right ovary. There was a cyst...again she said it was small and nothing to worry about. I've had them before and they have delayed things for me but since I know I will be starting bcp next cycle I'm not too worried about it, either. I asked her how many antral follicles she counted and she said that I had 4 on the right and 5 on the left. Not great. I was hoping for more but such is life. It doesn't bode well for how many mature follicles/eggs we can produce but I'm not going to think negatively. I'm not going to get all excited and hopeful, but I'm not going to hang out in the dumps either.

I scheduled my mock embryo transfer for tomorrow morning. We have a meeting at the Little Guy's school tomorrow (more on that another time) at 2:30 so I will be missing the whole day of work. I came clean to my boss about our trying again. She's very supportive and knows what an emotional roller coaster this is. For my newer readers, my boss has 2 children and suffered secondary infertility while TTC her son. It took many IUI's for her to conceive him. She's very understanding but I will still try not to miss much work as I don't want questions from anyone else in the office.

I'm headed out to lunch and I'm sure that is when the nurse will call with my results. I'll update later if I get a chance. Wish me luck on a "decent" FSH and other good numbers.

Get This and Seriously??

2011-02-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

The Little Guy brought home a project assignment the other day. The project is to create a family timeline that should include things about the child and his family that had an impact on the family...things like babies or moving or anything that would be important to a child. I told the LG to start the project Tuesday with his mother because she knows the dates of events/things for her side of the family. That and I'm tired of her leaving all/most of his projects for us to work on because she's just too busy. Whatever. She gets off work at 4:30 and lives 5 minutes away...how do you NOT have time for these things? Sorry, got off track. Anyway...the LG forgot (said he didn't know I meant to start it Tuesday, just sometime this week, kids. smile.) to start the project with her. I e-mailed her about it yesterday. This is our weekend with him so they only had last night to do it since it's due Wednesday and we have him Monday night, too. I was walking to the bus and my phone rang. It was her. She said she was having problems with his timeline. She could only think of things like his grandmother dying and his 3 open heart surgeries and that those things were just so depressing. If she had bothered to read the guidelines she never would have had to call me and I'm sure it killed her to do so. So I mention things like when his aunt got married and how that gave him an uncle...what about the birth of his cousins on her side...what about when Mel (grandfather's girlfriend) came into their life? Things like that. How about the start of his academic career with Kindergarten? Can you believe that she turned to ME for all of this? I don't usually pat myself on the back for much but I must admit this situation had me reaching around pretty quickly to do just that. How could she not think of positive things in his life? And how cool is it that I CAN and that she turned to ME for this? Ok, I need to put my humble hat back on...got a little carried away.

And seriously...I was on the treadmill this morning and CNN was on the TV. There was another lady down there so she had the TV up pretty loud. I had my headphones in because I prefer to listen to music than news. Victoria Beckham was being interviewed by some lady. My song ended and before the next one started I heard Victoria say "if this one isn't a girl then maybe my next one will be." And the reporter looks as though she's just heard that the world is, in fact, flat and says..."your next one??? you'll have 4, how many do you want??" I was floored. I said, out loud, "as many as she wants!" What the hell? Is this lady the baby police? Does it irk me to no end that some people can pop babies out like Pez dispensers? Hell yeah! That does not mean that I think they should be regulated. My main concern about human Pez dispensers is whether or not they have the means to provide a healthy environment for their children. It pisses me off when people have babies and they can't afford them and the taxpayers have to pick up the tab. I know that people fall on hard times, this is not what I'm referring to. If millionaires want to have 20 babies, let them. At least I know that they will have food and shelter and heat in the winter. The people that have babies just so they can collect more welfare money should be the ones that reporters go around attacking. How dare she act that way on national TV? Who gives her the right to question how many children a woman wants? The next song started playing and I didn't hear the rest of the interview. I'm glad because what I did hear royally pissed me off. Seriously.

The Aftermath

2011-02-17T11:44:00.000-05:00

Thank you everyone for your support and your well wishes. I can't even put into words how it feels to be able to come here and share everything, every detail, with you. You understand, you get it. This road is hard, more than hard...sometimes it feels like a never ending journey. I feel like I am running around in circles...waking up to my own groundhog day where no matter what I do or what I change, I still wake up NOT pregnant. *sigh* I wish I knew the secret code so I could crack this puzzle.

Anywho...BJ and I have decided (I think) to go ahead and do 1 cycle of IVF. I don't have any hopes of it working and I'm sure that is not a good attitude to have. However, I can't help it. I DO feel like we have to give it one more shot before we call it quits, before we can really consider adoption. I don't like that I'm forced to make these decisions. I would rather my body work properly and just do it's damn job and carry a baby for crying out loud. So we will see if it will do just that or if we call it quits and set our sights on adoption options.

I e-mailed 2 questions to my nurse. The first - why did Dr. M tell me that I was borderline and then tell the financial coordinator that I was not qualified for the shared risk? The second - can she check with Dr. M to see if he wants to add Ganirelix to my protocol since I'm such a fast responder? I don't produce much but I produce very quickly. Since my protocol has to be perfect this time, I don't want anything overlooked. I hadn't heard back from her so I e-mailed her again. She said she'd get back to me tomorrow (yesterday). She didn't. I called this morning and she is out sick until Monday. Lovely.

I have a laundry list of things to get done and it looks like we will miss a cycle but it is what it is. AF is supposed to show up tomorrow or Saturday so I will need to make my CD3 appointment for pre-screening. I need to tell BJ that he has to make his SA appointment. My nurse needs to get me the forms for our infectious disease blood draws. They were supposed to give me either samples or a prescription for prenatals and I have to schedule my mock embryo transfer. I'm wondering if they will give me the BCP once my bw/us results are in from my CD3 scan? We'll see.

I'm not even excited. How terrible is that? Maybe my mood will change once I get going. I hope so. I think I'm just too afraid to hope for success. I was so sure last time...and I got nothing but a broken heart. I don't want to fail again but that doesn't mean I won't. It's not like I can just keep replaying the level over and over again until I beat it, you know? It's not angry.birds after all.

The Details

2011-02-15T16:16:00.000-05:00

Thursday Morning:
I had planned on taking the Little Guy straight to school in the morning and then heading up to my appointment. School was delayed 2 hours due to some slick road conditions so we went to breakfast at McD's and then I dropped him at daycare.

It felt like it took forever to get to the medical building. I had a hard time finding a place to park. I parked and went inside and checked the board for the correct suite number. It has been almost 2 years since I had been there so I needed a refresher. They weren't on the board..cue panic attack. I called them and found out that they moved over a year ago into another building on the campus. Whew! Glad I was 20 minutes early. I found my way to the office, filled out updated paperwork and waited. The doctor came out to get me at 10:15. Not bad.

He said how happy he was that I was back. He feels sure that he can get me more eggs. I told him that I was interested in the shared risk program but thought that some testing was probably necessary. He said that I was borderline in his eyes with my low response. He said my 2 previous embryos looked beautiful. He wants to try a super producer protocol with me. As he's going over the details he also says that they have a program called shared help that I might be interested in. He wants to do the usual 21 days of bcp and then a micro-dose lupron and the max gonal-f dosage with some menopur. He's feeling hopeful that he can get 8-10 eggs from me. I ask him if he's sure that he wants to supress me at all and he says "yes"...that supressing me and then doing the lupron should have things turn out very well. He even draws pictures for me. Then it's off to the financial advisor. That's when it gets bad...for me at least.

He went in before me and then showed me in. It's the same lady I dealt with last time. She starts telling me about my Parent Steps discount program and I said, "oh, I wanted to do the shared risk program." She says, "doctor M says you aren't eligible for that, only single cycle treatment." I don't even know why I stayed at that point. She went over some things with me...my pre-screeing requirements...payment methods...asking me to get my authorization number. I was numb. I was hearing her speak but I was not listening to her. My head was in a fog. I couldn't believe that I was turned down without any tests being run first. I felt my heart sink and my hope went with it. She then said I needed to sit with Crystal, Dr. M's nurse to go over more details.

I sat in a room and waited for the nurse. Still foggy, still confused. She came in and was very nice. I listened to her go over my pre-screening requirements and I listened when she went over my protocol, she said to visit the website if I needed a refresher on administering shots to myself...she was very thourough. I played along...for some reason that I have yet to figure out. I guess I didn't want to be the lady leaving the clinic empty handed, with no folder of info and no specimen cup for BJ's sample. I checked out and paid my copay.

I headed to my car and the cold air outside matched the cold feeling in my heart. Denied...falling on the wrong side of the statistics again. The doctor was so sure he could help yet he would only take me one cycle at a time? Why? My head was swimming with all sorts of questions that I couldn't verbalize at the time. I started driving and I called BJ...hands free, of course. I said, "you don't have to worry about saving money for anything now." I stayed strong and didn't cry with him on the phone. He said, "well we have to do something!" I agreed, but at the time I was just so jumbled up I couldn't think straight. I don't know how I managed to get to work safely. Especially since I spent quite a few miles of roadway blinking back tears. BJ said he had a bad feeling it would go that way. I'm glad he didn't say that to me beforehand. I told him that I was afraid of the same thing but I was holding onto hope that something would go our way.

We talked briefly that evening about doing a single cycle. Possibly moving money around and making one last attempt. I'm not sure I can go through with it. We would be out another $8000 and there is no guarantee that it will work. If I get a baby of course it's worth it, but if not...well...I don't know. And if we fail, then we are another $8000 short of possible adoption money. I'm not sure I have it in me to pin all my hopes on one cycle. We did that and it was so hard on me, on us. I don't know if I can go there again. I had very high hopes of at least one of the 6 shared cycles working. With only 1 cycle to work with, it seems impossible to have any hope at all. We were already cancelled once when I only produced 2 follicles, then I only got 3 mature eggs with the next attempt...what happens if I respond poorly again? I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Things are up in the air right now. BJ said that we are still using our tax money for the pool. I think that is a great idea. A pool WILL be enjoyed by our family. We are 100% sure we will get a pool. Money well spent. A shot in the dark with another IVF that might not work, that might not yeild a child....might not be the best spent money. I can't even believe I feel that way, but I do. I'm bitter and I'm angry and I'm sad. I want the family I have now to be happy. I already blew $13000 in fertility treatments. Money that could have been put toward our house in 2009. I feel guilty about it. The thought of spending the money with no guarantee of getting it back if we fail...scares me.

If I could just find a way to let go of my desires for a child of my own we'd be set. Thank you all for your comments on my last post. It's nice to get "hugs" from you all. I don't know what our plan is now but I have a feeling it will become clear in the next few weeks. I can't hang in limbo for much longer.

Denied

2011-02-10T12:56:00.000-05:00

:-(

I have so much to say but I just can't put my thoughts together right now. We were not accepted into the shared risk program, obviously. Not sure where to go from here. Will update when I feel like I can put a coherent thought together.

Thank you all for your well wishes. It really means a lot to me that I have so many cheerleaders out there in bloggy land. You ladies are the best and I'd really be a mess without you.

Diversion Post

2011-02-09T13:01:00.000-05:00

This post is brought to you by my attempt to divert attention away from my impending appointment tomorrow as I have decided to focus on something that brings me great joy...my cats.

I have had one cat, Smokey, for almost 10 years. Our other cat, Gizmo, was adopted this past Summer. These cats are the greatest little animals ever. It took them some time but they like each other now. Gizmo likes Smokey more than Smokey likes Gizmo but they still play together and sometimes we even catch them laying together. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. And I think the only reason it happens is that Smokey is just too lazy to get up and move when Gizmo lays down next to her.

It has been so much fun watching BJ bond with Gizmo. He will pick Gizmo up and give him kisses and talk baby talk to him and he calls him "buddy". It's just too damn cute. Especially because he's never been that fond of Smokey. They have a strange relationship to say the least. It stems from how she was raised by me and my ex. She views the male figure as the play person and me as the lovey-dovey-snuggle person. She plays rough and by rough I mean that she gets to a point where she is nothing short of pissed off and ready to mame. She bites when she plays...and hard. And if you say "ouch!" or "stop!" it's like adding fuel to the fire and she bites harder. At that point I would just walk away from her or shoo her away from me and within a few minutes she comes back to apologize in a way that only cats can...by purring on the person she just tried to destroy. Brian insists that she's evil because of this. I can't help how she plays, my ex played very rough with her since she was a kitten without realizing that it would make her...mean. We have pretty much broken her of this habit by not playing with her in a rough manner. We won't let anyone get rough with Gizmo because we don't want him to pick up this bad habit. It seems to be working.

The Little Guy has always been afraid of Smokey. This fear was unfounded because she would pretty much avoid him as much as he avoided her. She never bit or scratched him but I think his fear came from BJ calling her evil. Since we got Gizmo, the LG has done a complete 180. He pets Smokey, he gives her kisses, he plays with her. She has rewarded this behavior by laying on his lap when he's trying to do his homework. It's very cute. She even sleeps in his bed during the day sometimes. It has been a very nice change in both of them.

BJ has warmed up to Smokey over the years, too. She lays on his lap and he lets her. She has a certain method of getting on the couch now and it consists of jumping up on the arm where BJ is and sniffing him and then walking across the top to walk down my chest and lay on my lap. I really enjoy these times with her. And it's nice to see BJ pet her and not get bitten because she thinks he's ready to play. If he's got the laptop on his lap she has to come over to see what he's doing. If the LG is playing a hand held game that is making noise she will try to lay on his lap.

You may wonder why I haven't mentioned Gizmo laying with us on the couch or on our laps. It's because he doesn't. I don't know why. We have tried countless times to get him to lay with us and he stays for about 5 seconds. He'll lay on the ottoman or pressed up against the side of the ottoman...or better yet...he lays under BJ's legs when BJ puts his feet up on the ottoman. But lay with us? Forget it. Maybe he'll change when he gets older. I'll just have to survive with one kitty on my lap for now.

Gizmo hears the garage door open each evening upon my arrival home and he immediately goes to the door and waits for me. When I walk in, he meows and lays down and rolls over so that I can rub his belly. That is his favorite way to be loved...belly rubs. He is such a sweet little guy and petting his belly makes all the stress of the day disappear because he just stretches out and lets me ruffle his fur until my heart's content. He is the most vocal cat I have ever known. Smokey rarely makes a peep, but Gizmo? He meows, squeaks, howls...everything. Sometimes it's like a crying baby...we don't know what he wants or why he's meowing, but it's very sweet. If we ask him if he's a good boy he'll let out a tiny (sometimes silent) meow. It's the cutest thing to see his mouth open and nothing come out. He waits for me outside our bedroom door in the mornings (BJ doesn't let them sleep with us anymore...booooo!...major issue at home) and meows when he hears me come out of the master bathroom because he knows I'm about to open the bedroom door. His favorite toy is balled up paper. If he hears you rustle or tear paper he comes running from wherever he is in the house. We ball it up and throw it. He knocks it around and usually gets it stuck under the stove or the fridge so we have to go fishing for it. He carries it around in his mouth which brings big laughs. He will drop it at your feet if you are in the kitchen because he wants you to throw it. If you ask him where his paper is he will get excited and anticipate you throwing it. He's quite the character. And we love him so very much.

I could go on for another few paragraphs, I'm sure, but I will stop now. If you made it this far, congratulations! I'm sorry for boring anyone but I wanted to write about something other than IF, TTC, appointments and anything else heavy. I need to get some pictures of my babies up here so you, too, can see how adorable they are. I haven't posted any pictures of Gizmo since we first brought him home...he has grown so much!

I will be back Friday with an update of my appointment. Catch you later!

Anxiety is Setting In

2011-02-08T14:36:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday and it's 2 days until my appointment to see where I stand with my clinic. I will be told 1 of 3 things.
1 - sorry, you are a poor responder and we can't take the risk on you
2 - please get all your testing done and we will go from there
3 - sure, we can take a chance on you...welcome to the shared risk program

I'm sure number 2 will happen ever before number 3 happens. But what if number 1 happens? I was so excited to set this appointment and started thinking of all the possibilities that might await me. Now I'm sitting here expecting the worst possible outcome. I think I have been burned by years of infertility.

I'm on an up/down cycle of emotions every time I think about this appointment. I know that I just need to relax and see what happens, but all I can think about is how the doctor will just turn me down. I go from thinking of additional baby names (in case BJ doesn't like the ones I have picked out) to accepting the fact that I will remain childless. It's a vicious tennis game of emotions where I'm the ball and I'm being hit from side to side.

I had a dream last night that I got a positive beta. I couldn't believe it. In the dream I kept rubbing my stomach and smiling and BJ and I were talking about how and when to tell people. Then the number of the beta came back at 6.5. It was 2 days passed a 5 day transfer so the doctor wasn't worried at all...as long as it doubled. We were in the middle of figuring out when to schedule my next beta when I woke up. I looked up at the ceiling and exhaled a deep breath...I realized that it was just a dream. I've been in a funk ever since.

I know that we IF girls try not to get our hopes up as a way of protecting ourselves and maybe that is just what this is, me protecting my emotions from getting crushed. Or maybe it's my rational side stepping up and saying "TeeJay, you didn't really think you would be awarded with this opportunity, did you?" I feel like the odds are against me. I feel like the odds have never been for me. What do I think has changed now?

I've gone from being excited for this opportunity to being scared sh!tless about walking through that door on Thursday. There has been too much time for me to think about this. I always over think everything. I'm the daughter of an engineer, it's in my chemical make up to over think. I know I should just calm down and accept this appointment for what it is - a discussion and maybe the start of a plan. In my heart, however, I'm crying buckets of tears because I don't want to be turned away. I really want this chance and if they tell me no...well...I just don't know what comes next.

This will be the end of the road for a pregnancy, a biological child. Once this outlet is exhausted BJ is ready to jump into adoption. I'm glad he's on board. I can't wrap my head around that just yet as I feel that I have not exhausted all my options. This appointment will be the beginning of a journey...either several IVF's or a serious plan about adoption. God knows what is best for me and I know that my wants and desires are not necessarily what He has planned for me. I can only pray that He wants me to try harder at this IVF thing to achieve our goal. If the appointment goes south or we are turned down because of my high FSH then I guess His plan is for us to explore other options. Time will tell.

Thanks for reading and letting me get my fears out of my head and onto paper.

Busy Times

2011-02-07T10:50:00.000-05:00

This might get long so I apologize in advance. This is how my weekend went...starting with Friday afternoon.

I made a bikini wax appointment for 3:45 on Friday at the local place that I can walk to. I split my lunch hour in 2 parts to accommodate this appointment. I got there on time and was told she was running a few minutes late. I am supposed to leave work at 4:30 so I thought that this would be no problem. I waited until 4:02 and then had to leave. I still had a couple of other things to do before I got off work. On my way back to my building I called the salon in my town and was lucky enough to get a 9:00am appointment.

Saturday morning I rushed to get to the salon by 9:00 (I was snuggling with my honey) in the rain. They couldn't find me on the schedule. Someone put me in for the next Saturday. So they asked if I could come back at 11:00. No problem. I rushed to the bank then rushed to the grocery store. When I shop for things I don't normally buy it takes longer to find everything. I rushed home, unloaded and put away all the groceries and rushed back to the salon. I got my wax and was on my way. Then it was home to eat breakfast with my family. I rushed through my meal and started cleaning. We were supposed to have BJ's sister and her family over for dinner. They have respiratory issues so whenever they come over I try really hard to make it a very clean environment more than just my regular cleaning on Saturday morning. I start cleaning and send the Little Guy off to clean his bathroom and BJ decides it's time to put up the office curtains (which look awesome, BTW). By the time everything is cleaned and hung, it's almost time for lunch. As I'm starting to prepare the lasagna (so that I can just pop it in the oven when we get home) BJ is making sandwiches for us. We eat and then I finish with the lasagna and cover it and set it in the oven. By that time, it's time to go to the basketball game. The Little Guy was burned by his cousin on a couple of plays but his team ended up winning so it was all good. They all came over and we had a lovely dinner and visit (there's more to share but it will have to be in another post) and they left around 9:00. I was D.O.N.E. by that time.

Sunday morning was less hectic but then things picked up again. We went to 5 Guys for "brunch" and then made a stop at the store for a few things. The hockey game came on at 12:30 and I watched the first period on the couch. After that it was time to start the prep of our superbowl food. We had chili dogs, a nacho casserole, Asian chicken wings, onion dip, fruit dip and strawberries, salsa and chips and I baked cookies for dessert. People started showing up at 5:00! I was still making food so it was a little stressful. By the time the last couple showed up (3 couples and 2 children in all came to our party) it was time to eat. So we ate and then I cleaned up and got the dessert out and we watched a great game and some really cool commercials and then everyone finally left at 10:15. I still had a little cleaning up to do and then the LG had to get in bed. BJ and I sat on the couch for about 15 minutes and then finally headed to bed at 11:00. The party was a big success and everyone enjoyed themselves. There wasn't too much "baby" talk from the pregnant neighbor so that was good, too.

BJ told the trip neighbors that we aren't able to go right now. There are just too many things up in the air and we really want a pool to enjoy all the time. They were bummed but they understand...and they are still going so it's not like they don't get to go either.

I haven't had a weekend that busy in a long time. I wish the superbowl was on Saturday or Presidents Day weekend so that we could have Monday off. Ugh, I'm tired.