Thursday, November 15, 2012

30 Week Update

Wow!  I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I’m in the third trimester and things have just flown by.  I’ll start by giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get in to.

I’ve had 2 OB appointments since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind.  You will be happy to know that at the first appointment since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt.  At that appointment (and my appointment this week) I was measuring exactly where I should be!  Yay!  I will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring small but people kept telling me how little my belly was.  I actually still have people surprised at how far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my belly has grown and how big it is.  So I’m not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small” comments as compliments.

I’ve gained 20 pounds so far.  Yikes!  That’s a lot on my small frame.  I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any wider but low and behold it has happened.  My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too.  I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood pressure is good.  Everything is going along very smoothly.  I hope it keeps going that way.

I am now on an every 2 week appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.  I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor early.  She said that if it’s before 36 weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable hospital.  If it’s after 36 weeks I will just deliver at our hospital.  I still need to talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early.  I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40 miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to calm my nerves.  It’s bad enough that if labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get to me.  The less I have to worry about the better off I’ll be.  Not to mention the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.

Now for the not so fun stuff.  I’m scared.   I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no holding back.  We’re so close to having this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst.  I pretty much stay away from message boards because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a stillbirth and I just can’t go there.  I can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself and my baby.  I find it so hard to believe that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going to happen to end it all.  When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back in bed.  I smile to myself and am relieved that she’s still there and alive.  It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning.  I need to feel her move to know that it’s real and that there is a live baby in there.   But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things could still go very wrong.  I’m trying to not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there are so many good things.  However, the fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes.  I talk to her all the time and tell her things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well.  I tell her how much her daddy loves her and how he can’t wait to hold her.  Although, he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too.  He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her.  My heart melts on a nightly basis.  Before I get out of bed in the morning, when I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.  These moments are cherished but also bring on fear.  What if something happens to this precious little girl that we both love so much?  How would we survive?  I know we would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into?  I shudder at the thought.  This is why I try not to think about it.  I have a nursery that is 95% complete with clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it.  When I’m in there and I’m looking at her clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind.  I had a rough road to get to this point and I guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and disappointment.  I didn’t just get pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even when I, myself, thought I had let it die.  I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out there in order to get pregnant.  And now here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.  It’s so surreal that we have come this far.  I have no reason to believe anything bad will happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell her and cherish her for the rest of my life.  I think that is what any mother wants.  I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me.  This little girl is the light of our lives and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her now.  I hate that I feel sad sometimes and that I worry and that I’m scared.  I don’t want to feel those things at all.  I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy.  Like I said, for the most part I am doing that.  I love being pregnant and I love feeling her move and wiggle and kick.  I have my complaints, don’t get me wrong.  All in all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about.  I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another day (not that I have many).  What I gather from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at least I hope they are.  And it’s not like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.  I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby.  I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking.  I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror.  I love that people are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.  It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give birth.  I just hope that we get our happy story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

This and That

I know, you deserve a much better post/update than this and now that the election is over I might actually have time to sit down and write something worth reading.  For now, I want to touch on a few things non-pregnancy related that I have neglected to write about over the last few months.

The Little Guy’s mother has a new boyfriend.  I knew something was up when she asked to switch a day with us (a Thursday when it was our weekend to have him) and then didn’t call him all weekend.  That is very unlike her…so I had a feeling something was going on but I didn’t say anything to anyone.  BJ got a text from her about 2 weeks later that she was seeing someone and that a meeting between the LG and him would not happen for a while.  Well, it only took about another week or so before she introduced them.  The LG seems to like him and they do fun things like camping, amusement parks and stuff like that.  The only problem is that she likes to hang out at his place a lot, even when she has the LG with her.  I don’t blame her as he has his own house and she lives in her dad’s basement (which is very tiny) so who wouldn’t want to hang out somewhere else?  However, the LG doesn’t really have anything to do while they are there.  So, many of his weekends are pretty boring.  Not to mention, the boyfriend lives in another county which is about a 30 to 35 minute drive away.  Everyone seems happy so it’s good for now.

The LG started middle school this year.  Wow, I remember when he started Kindergarten.  He’s growing up so fast.  We are having a hard time adjusting to say the least.  He is in honors classes so he’s at a faster pace and higher level this year.  His math is kicking my butt…not to mention HIS butt.  I get home, help finish making dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and then sit down to go over his homework.  I easily spend another 45 minutes to an hour helping him with his math.  I haven’t seen this math since I was in school and that was a LONG time ago.  He doesn’t take good notes and can’t remember what his teacher instructs him to do so I’m left surfing the internet or trying to figure out how to use his text book to help finish his worksheets.  It’s a nightmare.  And then comes his lack of memory for turning in this homework that we spend so much time on.  He forgets everything…and I’m not kidding.  He totally played me the other week because I told him that if he did not turn in one more assignment (especially after we spent so much time on it) he would be grounded for 3 days.  We can look online at his grades and his work was missing so I told him that was it, he was grounded.  He promised me he turned it in and that he looked everywhere for it and that the teacher must have lost it.  He cried and cried and didn’t understand why I didn’t believe him.  I felt like an ass because I really wanted to believe him.  I let him off the hook.  I looked in one of his other folders several days later and wouldn’t you know that I found the missing homework?  Ugh.  I told him that no matter how many tears he cried I would not believe him if another assignment came up missing.  So he was grounded for a full weekend day…no electronics.  He was so bored, poor thing.  Needless to say, things aren’t going great with middle school.  I’m hoping that he will adjust to the added responsibility a little better as time goes on.  Once Baby Girl gets here our lives will be that much more chaotic.

We weathered the hurricane just fine. We were so prepared to lose power…we had coolers, extra ice, a generator, propane for our grill, batteries for our flashlights, food that was power-failure appropriate, water in our bathtub…everything.  Of course we only lost power for 2 minutes.  I’ve never been so prepared for a storm.  I almost wished that we had lost power for a few hours.  Not really.  We have lost power and not been prepared and it sucked, big time.  I feel so badly for the NJ/NY areas that were hit so hard.  It’s unbelievable what a storm like that can do.  I can’t imagine losing everything like that.   It makes me cherish the fact that we came through unscathed.

We took a mini-vacation to an indoor waterpark last month.  It was fun to get away but of course I did not ride any of the rides.  I stuck my feet in the hot tub for a few minutes while BJ was enjoying the bubbles but I got hot pretty quickly so I just sat there and kept him company.  The LG rode all sorts of waterslides and we all swam in the big pool together.  I indulged in a pre-natal massage and it was heavenly.  BJ scoffed at the price (I even had a coupon!) but I told him that since I could not ride the rides that the massage was MY vacation and I didn’t care how much it cost.  It was only my 2nd professional massage and I so wish I could get one once a week…it was blissful.  We ate some good food and played games at the arcade and just had a nice time.  We couldn’t go on a real vacation this summer because I couldn’t tolerate the heat so this was the next best thing.  I’ve also been saving my leave to carryover to next year and combine with my maternity leave so getting away felt really good since I feel like we have been trapped in our county since January.  There were so many babies and pregnant ladies there it was unreal.  I was so happy to be one of them for once, let me tell you.  Even BJ commented to me that I didn’t have to look at them with daggers anymore.  He was right.  But I did wonder if anyone was looking at me with daggers.

Oh yeah…another quick story.  On Open House night at school we were in the LG’s reading class and the teacher pointed out that she had the kids write the obligatory “what I did over the Summer” essay and she posted them in the back of the room.  While she was talking (and I should have been listening) I was searching for the LG’s essay.  I finally found it.  I read it and I beamed with pride.  The only 2 things he wrote about were places that I took him – the waterpark for his b-day in June and bowling with a friend.  How cool is that?  His mom took him to the beach once but he didn’t mention that.  She didn’t take him nearly as much as she used to…due to the new boyfriend, and I guess he took notice of that.  I showed the essay to BJ and told him how cool it was that the LG wrote about the things we did.  Since we didn’t take a real vacation he didn’t have much to pick from but writing about our time instead of the beach trip meant a lot to me.  I love that kid…bad memory and all.

I will do a better update later and I have some posts brewing that I need to get on paper so be prepared for a flurry of action around here over the next week or so…there’s lots to share.