Saturday, April 30, 2011

9dp5dt - Rerun

Very quick update from my phone. I used the 2nd test from the box at 5:30 this morning and got the same faint line. I'm guessing that if this were real it'd be much darker by now. I'm heading to Wally world to get a frer. I read yesterday that the blue line tests are more likely to show a faint line like that than the pink lined tests. BJ knew I was supposed to test this morning but he has yet to ask mr about it. Maybe he thinks it was negative so he doesn't want to start the waterworks. Anyway, I'll be testing again tomorrow morning with the name brand test and that should really let me know my answer. I just wish I could be excited. I'm just really confused. Thank you all for your level headed comments. I really appreciate you keeping me grounded during this limbo dance I'm in.

Friday, April 29, 2011

8dp5dt - This is Different

I know I said I wasn't testing until tomorrow but I couldn't help it.  Let me explain my weakness.  I started getting a headache yesterday afternoon.  The kind I get about 2 to 3 days before my period starts.  I actually still have it today.  I also felt some very different kind of twinges in my abdomen yesterday afternoon.  It definitely wasn't my ovary as it was lower and more centered.  At that point I really didn't know what to think.  Many women complain of the twinges and the pains and for a lot of them it really is their uterus working away at sustaining and embryo.  I am of the state of mind that those twinges are caused from the extra E2 I'm putting in my body to MAKE my lining thicker than usual so of course I will feel it twinging and pulling, right?

On a whim I stopped in at the drugstore on my walk to work from the bus stop.  I bought a cheap store brand 2-pack of tests.  The one that is supposed to be as good as the name brand test that can detect a positive up to 5 days before a missed period.  I didn't use FMU.  I just wanted to put myself out of my misery so that I can get on with my life.  So I peed on that stick.  And after I washed my hands I picked it up and took a deep breath because I KNEW what I would be seeing....nothing.  But that's not quite what I saw.

I was in disbelief and my breath got caught in my throat.  Don't worry, I don't really believe it.  It's a very faint line and you probably can't even see it in these pictures.  It's probably an evaporation line or the last of the HCG exiting my body or the by product of a very cheap test.  However, I can't help but wonder if it's real.  My heart is wanting to jump all over and do cartwheels but my head is strapping my heart down in a straight jacket at this point.  I don't want anyone getting too excited over this.  I just was so shocked to even see that faint of a line that I had to share with all of you.  I've never even had an evap line to get excited over.  I've only ever seen the blank white window staring at me.  So now I am even more anxious to get tomorrow's test over with.  I need to get out of this limbo pattern so I can figure out the rest of my life.

Please don't send me comments with encouragement to believe this.  Please send me level headed, let's wait and see comments, ok?  My fragile emotional state will not be able to handle anything else.  And I might be the only one seeing this second line anyway.  I just checked it again (it's been about an hour since I tested) and it's so light, at 8dp5dt it should be much darker if it's a true positive...I'm sure it's just an evap line or a bad test.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Happiness Is...

- The Little Guy will get to pitch his first game tonight (provided we don't get rained out)!  And not only that, but he's playing against his "step-brothers'" team.  His mother's boyfriend's boys are on the opposing team.  It will be so great to see him pitch in a game for the first time.  He's nervous about it so I need to find a way to help him relax.

- getting an Easter basket from my husband for the first time ever!  I always make him and the LG one but this year I actually got one, too.  We exchanged baskets on Monday because we didn't have the LG on Sunday.  My basket was very special because it was actually a recycled Christmas basket (it still had Christmas holly decorations on it).  :-)  BJ must have picked the first basket he saw in our basement to fill with goodies.  I received lots of chocolate....yummm and a huge Reese's peanut butter egg!  I haven't "cracked" into that one just yet.

- finding a new potato chip that I like...Pop! Chips.  The bbq are my favorite, they have the slightest little kick to them.  The best part is that they are natural, really.  They are sort of like Pringles but thicker and puffier.  Hard to explain.  Check them out if you are a chip lover.

- having a dream last night about POAS and getting a positive.  I was crying while peeing on the stick and then when I turned it over to look at the results I had to wipe the tears out of my eyes to see that there were actually 2 lines.  I can't even explain the emotions that came over me.  I woke up and was very disappointed that it was just a dream and I don't give much credence to dreams, but it was nice to have that really happy feeling for a few minutes.  Even if it was all in my head.

- finally getting a glimpse of Sarah's new bundle of joy!  She and her husband are adopting a baby and she gets to meet him for the first time today...her birthday!  Please go and congratulate her...and let her know what a cute little guy she has.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

6dp5dt - The Burning Question

When I say burning, I mean it's burning in my head.  The question is When Will I Test?

As it stands right now I have the following symptoms:
* None

I have no symptoms that couldn't just be explained away by the extra estrogen and the extra progesterone.  My belly feels a little bloated.  I'm tired.  I'm emotional (more on that in a minute).  I've felt a few twinges here and there in the ute/ovary area.  Pretty much, my ovaries are trying to get back to normal and the extra estrogen is filling up my lining more than usual so it's no wonder I've been feeling something here and there.  My boobs are sore (although, as of this morning not as much as before).

I'm too scared to test.  I get teary eyed when I think about doing it.  The good thing is that I don't own any tests right now.  Not even any opk's.  I've had a few fleeting moments where I have thought about stopping on my way home to get a test and then I just drive by all the stores without even glancing their way.  I will not wait for beta, that is for sure.  I will probably test Saturday morning.  I will be 9dp5dt.  There will be an answer.  I'm picking Saturday morning because I can't bear the thought of coming to work on Friday if it's negative.  And I'm starting to believe that it will be.  Did you just hear me catch my breath and gulp back tears?

I know it's early and that many women do not feel any symptoms this early...or at all.  However, it's just a sinking feeling that I have.  I have bad eggs that made bad embryos.  I know the reality of that mix.  I've been googling and reading message boards and blogs a lot this week.  Some women have great stories and others have crappy stories.  I'm not giving up hope but I'm definitely trying to prepare myself for reality.  I want to believe that my embryos are thriving and hanging on but I'm having a really hard time with that.  Why would this time be any different than before?

I wish I could be more positive.  I'm just too scared to be.  I was so positive through all the stimming and everything up until yesterday.  All of my emotions have come crashing down on me.  This is IT, folks.  This is my last chance to have a child of my own.  There is no more money and if there were I don't know that I could do this again.  There is so much riding on this.  My entire life will change Saturday morning with that pee stick.  If there is a blank window I fear a blank future.  I know that I have much to be thankful for in my life (I will be doing a happiness post next just to remind me) but knowing that I will not be a mother is going to be a tough pill to swallow.  A pill with razors and saw blades and barbed wire, to be exact.  It's a pill that I don't want to swallow and that I don't know (at this time) how to swallow.  If the test shows 2 lines...I don't need to explain to you how my life will change but it will be amazing.

My emotions are running so high right now.  I'm feeling down and depressed and ready to cry at anything.  My mind won't shut up with all of its "what if this didn't work?" crap.  I'm trying really hard but I just can't picture a positive outcome.  I know nothing is over until Saturday morning, but my heart feels like it's over.  My mind is trying to wrap itself around a (bio)childless future and it's bleak to say the least.  I have to find a way to push through this.  I have to reach deep inside and find strength like never before to carry on.  There have been a few times in my life where I've had to deal with major losses but I have found a way to function and now I fear that I will have to do that again.  It takes so much out of me to fight depression and I just don't want to go back there.  I'm afraid of what it will mean for my marriage.  My husband loves me but he doesn't understand my grief.  He doesn't like to see me sad which means I have to be fake and being fake with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to will suck the life out of me.  I'm not sure I can be fake this time.  I'm not sure I will be able to just move on and get over it at his speed.  I will need to do it in my own way and in my own time and I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it.  Man, this is fucking hard.

Why can't I just be normal?  Why can't I just have good eggs?  Why do I feel like I'm being punished?  There are 100 "why" questions out there and unfortunately there are no answers.  It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it now.  I will know my answer Saturday morning.  My life will change.  I hope for the better but I am preparing for the worst.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Wow! A Blogging Award!

Tracy has graciously awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award!  I'm so excited!  Thank you so very much.

The rules are pretty simple:

◦Snatch the image. (done)
◦Link back the person who gave you the award. (done)
◦Share 7 things about myself. (see below)
◦Award 10 other bloggers and contact them so they know they’ve won. (will do)

1 - I went to 13 different schools during my 12 year school career.  I was a chameleon for the most part, able to blend in without too much work and without being noticed, most of the time.  It was much harder in High School but it's not like I had a choice.  Some switches were in the middle of the school year and those were tough.  I think it has made me pretty resilient.
2 - I'm technically an only child but I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister from my mom and 2 half brothers from my dad and stepmom.  I haven't shared much about my family and siblings on here as a lot of it is pretty painful, but I will one day.
3 - I have a beta fish as a pet at work.  One of our employees was leaving at the end of 2008 and he couldn't take his fish with him so I volunteered to keep her.  She's red and very mean.  I named her Lucy after Lucille Ball.  I say she's mean because if I hold my hand over the top of the bowl she tries to jump up and bite me.  I know she's probably really a "he" but she's been Lucy to me since I laid eyes on her so that was that.
4 - I love beagles.  They are the cutest dogs and they have the best ears and the greatest bark/howl ever.  I wish I wanted a dog for a pet because I would totally have 2 matter what my husband said.  My heart melts every time I see one of those calendars with little beagle puppies.  Two of our neighbors have beagles and I love them.
5 - I'm a huge hockey fan.  Many of you already know this about me.  I love my Capitals and I so hope they can get their shit together this year and make a serious run for (if not WIN) Lord Stanley's Cup.  It would fill my heart with such joy.  That must sound pathetic to some of you, but I've been a Caps fan for 16 years and they have never won the Cup and they hardly ever make it out of the first round of the playoffs...we are DUE!
6 - I love yellow roses.  I'm not much on flowery things as I'm not much of a girly girl, but BJ gave me yellow roses early on in our relationship and I have loved them ever since.  I had a bouquet of yellow roses at our wedding and the pew bows had yellow rose was lovely.
7 - I'm a chocoholic.  I love chocolate...really good, creamy chocolate.  I don't eat much of it so that when I do I take my time and enjoy every morsel.  My favorite is Godiva but I also love Dove.  Hershey is my favorite "cheap" chocolate.  I will hold a piece in my mouth until it slowly melts.  By that point, my entire mouth is coated in chocolaty goodness.  That also means that the flavor lasts longer and I eat less of it.  I actually have 2 dark chocolate Hershey miniatures on my desk right now waiting for me to eat this afternoon.  I can't wait.
I'd like to take this opportunity to bestow this award upon the following bloggers.  I love to read each of them for their very different writing styles and their very different takes on life.  Some of them have babies or are pregnant so consider yourself warned.  Without further ado, I give you:
Someday Soon
Sarah - a different Sarah

Monday, April 25, 2011

National Infertility Awareness Week - Bust a Myth

Hello everyone.  I would like to take just a quick minute of your time to bust an infertility myth that has bothered me for years.  There are many things that I have heard over the years (and still today) that bother me but one of the most annoying (in my life) is when I hear that women are just waiting too long to try and have babies.  If women would get married younger and not worry about their careers so much, then they wouldn't have to worry about conceiving a baby.  By waiting to get married and then waiting even longer to start a family, it's no wonder they are infertile.

That is total BS.

Infertility strikes many women for many different reasons at many different ages.  I, for one, started trying to have a baby when I was 24.  Got that?  24!  I wanted to be a young mom.  I wanted to be done having any kids I was going to have well before I turned 30.  Here I am about to turn 35 (eek!) and I'm STILL trying.  Infertility does not care how old we are.  Is there truth to the fact that as a woman ages her chances of conceiving decline with each passing year?  Absolutely.  However, infertility is a diseaseDecreased fertility due to age is totally different.

I may have been 24 when I started trying but apparently my eggs are about 20 years older.  I had great looking charts each month....nice low temps then a spike after ovulation...several days of ewcm leading up to ovulation and a cycle that ran 28 days.  It doesn't get better than that, right?  Wrong.  Those eggs that I was ovulating were obviously no good.  Sometimes a woman's body is not her friend.  Sometimes we are deprived of the one privilege that eludes us, being able to conceive and carry a baby to term.

Many other diseases do not discriminate by age...neither does Infertility.  It can strike a 40-year-old just as it can strike an unsuspecting 24-year-old.  Please do not tell me that I'm having problems or that "all these women that think they can have a career AND a family should have placed more priority on the family because now it's too late" that we started trying too late.  Infertility is a real disease that can enter the lives of anyone at any given time.

4dp5dt - Spring Break is Over

My Spring break is over and I'm not at all happy about it.  I have not taken that much time off (during nice weather months) in years.  I didn't HAVE to do anything, really.  I just puttered around and did what I WANTED to do.  I loved every minute of it.  Some of the things I did while I was off:  got my oil changed, saw a movie with the Little Guy, got a pedicure, shopped for ME (I got 2 shorts, 2 capris, 1 jeans and new sandals for $140!), straightened up the garage, tried new recipes, got waxed, took naps...what's not to love?

A quick "welcome" to anyone visiting for ICLW!  It's nice to have you here.  You can get a quick glimpse of what my TTC history looks like over in my side bar.  I am currently in my 2ww of my final attempt at conceiving a child.  The cycle went better than I expected in some areas and has been a little disappointing in others.  I keep telling myself that "it is what it is" at this point.  We transferred 2 "ok, grade C" (my doctor's words) embryos last Thursday.  I'm trying not to get wrapped up in too much hope and confidence while also trying to stay as positive as I can.  The voices in my head can be very conflicting at times.  :-)

Thanks to a couple of my blogging buddies I know that today my embryo(s) should be burying deeper into my lining.  I'm hoping that is the case.  I'm not feeling anything, of course.  Well, aside from the constant ache of my boobs.  They have been hurting since about day 3 of my bcp.  It eased up a little once I started my stims but then as my E2 continued to rise and we added my trigger shot to the mix they have started hurting again.  Yesterday they began hurting even worse.  I think the Estrace twice a day and the Edometrin 3 times a day is catching up to me.  I can hardly bear to be without a bra.  And it's not like I have a full rack, either.  I'm a measly A cup for crying out loud  This is probably the only time in my life that I'm glad to be small chested.

I'm back at work and it sucks.  The weather is wonderful outside and I'm stuck in here.  Man, I wish I could be a stay at home woman.  BJ took today off to spend the day with the Little Guy, it's his last day of Spring break.  They are going to have a guys day.  I'm not sure what that entails, exactly, but I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.

I'm going to write a quick post in honor of NIAW and "Bust a Myth" shortly.  I have a myth that I'd like to bust.  I only wish I were brave enough to really "come out" of the Infertility Closet.  Here is a picture of my little embabies.  They aren't much to look at but they are ours and I am loving them with my whole heart right now.  The one on the left is the "better" one.  They are both pretty fragmented but I'm still hoping at least one of them sticks.

Friday, April 22, 2011

PUPO - (em)Babies on Board

Let's go back to yesterday...

After my nurse called to move up my transfer I did some googling to find out what some of the terms she used meant.  I wasn't sure what "early cavitation" meant.  It wasn't good news, but it wasn't bad news, either.  I jumped in the shower and headed out.  I never made it to the store to get my Easter stuff.  So I will be out tomorrow with all the other last minute crazies trying to find suitable candy for BJ's and the Little Guy's baskets.  Oh well.

I arrived at the clinic with 10 minutes to spare.  I checked in and waited...and waited...and waited.  I went up to the front desk to see how much longer it would be because my bladder was starting to ache.  The receptionist told me that I could let out 10 seconds worth to make myself more comfortable.  Let me tell you, that was not easy...but I managed it and I did, indeed, feel much better.

I was then called by a nurse that said that Dr. M was finishing up in the OR and that he personally wanted to do my transfer and it would just be a few more minutes!  Hot damn!  My own doctor wanted to do my transfer!  He must be feeling very hopeful about things.  All of a sudden running almost an hour behind (after they asked me to come earlier) didn't seem so frustrating.

I went into the room and undressed and waited for him.  He came in and went over the actual fertilization report with me...5 eggs, 3 fertilized, 1 looks ok, the other looks ok and then one is lagging behind.  He burst my bubble to say the least.  He then recommended that we transfer the 2 best looking embryos.  I agreed.  The lab displays the embryos in the petri dish up on a TV screen, how cool is that?  When they came up on the screen Dr. M said, "well, they both look better than I thought they would according to the report."  That made me feel better...a little.  He checked my lining and complimented me on how great the rest of my anatomy cooperates in these matters.  I said, "I know, I just have bad eggs."  He agreed, unfortunately.  He said, "well, if this doesn't work, come back and talk to me and we'll see what we can do."  I didn't want to utter the words out loud that if this doesn't work, we are done.  I didn't want any negativity yesterday.  It was hard, though.  As I gazed upon the screen at my 2 embabies I knew that they didn't look good.  One was definitely better than the other one but that's not saying much.  He transferred them both and I watched the screen with the fluid going into my uterus.  Under my breath (but loud enough for all to hear) I said, "come on babies".  Dr. M. said that they were placed perfectly and that I did everything humanly possible to make this work.  He said that we need to focus all of our positive energy at the task at hand.  He couldn't be more right.

I left there with my picture and my folder and my instructions for the next few days.  I feel like I'm on more restrictions this time and maybe that's because we did a 5dt?  Or maybe they like to add more restrictions now than they did 2 years ago?  Either way, I have been very good at obeying my orders.  I will say that I truly sympathize and admire all you ladies that had (or are now in the midst of) bed rest during your pregnancies.  It's not easy to stay on the couch all day.  I've been doing good but it was tough with dinner last night.  I like to help when I'm here and normally I do most of the clean up afterward.  BJ sent me back over to the couch like a good husband should.  And this morning he told me that I wasn't allowed to go up and down the steps.  He's so sweet.  When he's not making me feel guilty about spending the money on this IVF.  :-)

I'm supposed to schedule my beta for May 4...MAY 4!!!  That would be 18 days after retrieval.  They are crazy.  I'll know way before then whether or not this has worked.  And with a 5 day transfer why would they wait so long to test me?  Either way, I'll be peeing on a stick well before then...and I said as much to my discharge nurse.  So now we wait.  I'm going to try and not worry about it or stress about it.  I want to enjoy the bliss of knowing that I have 2 embryos in me right now.  Even though they aren't great quality, at least one could still make it, right?  Oh, and the 3rd Amigo didn't make it to freeze which I figured.  And we did assisted hatching on the ones that were transferred.

Let's have 3 cheers for the Dynamic Duo!  Hip, hip, hooray!  Hip, hip, hooray!  Hip, hip, hooray!

Now please excuse me while I try not to think about what is supposed to be going on inside my body.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Quick Update on Transfer

First, thank you to everyone that has commented and offered me reassurances this cycle.  You really have helped me deal with all this craziness.

I have wanted to update several times over the last couple of days but I didn't want to give my fears a "voice", you know?  If I write out all the crazy thoughts and fears that have been trying to make their way to the front I feel like that would be giving them too much power over me.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I took this week off of work.  It has helped my stress level tremendously and I seriously think it has saved my sanity.  I had a nice day with the Little Guy on Monday and then Tuesday was spent at the mall shopping (all for ME!) and getting a pedicure.  Yesterday I got a bikini wax and went to the grocery store with a list a mile long and didn't even feel stressed about it.  I came home and baked cookies and made the recipe on the side of the Chex box for some really yummy snacks.  I laid down on the couch and took a short cat nap with my kitties.  Gizmo laid right next to me and just purred me to sleep.  My boys came home and we sat on the porch for a while and then went to dinner.  I watched the hockey game (that we won in double OT!!) and had a blast stressing about something other than my embabies.  Keeping myself busy with things I actually like doing has been such a blessing.  I have said many prayers for our embabies to just keep growing for me and telling them that I will be coming for them today.

My nurse called me yesterday with my time to report to the clinic - 2:15 for a 2:45 transfer.  I had an "early compacting" embryo, an 11 cell embryo and one that she didn't fully understand.  She said that it was 8 cells on Tuesday and the report yesterday said "no change" but also said "early compacting".  I decided not to Google anything and just enjoy my day as stress free as possible.  As the day went on I got more and more butterflies.  Not the sick feeling but like an excited feeling.  All I kept saying to myself is that I didn't want to hear from my nurse or the lab today...I just want to show up and have my embabies transferred to their new home.

I had some plans for today before leaving for the clinic.  They are an hour and a half away so I have to plan carefully.  With it being a lot of people's Friday (since tomorrow is Good Friday) I was anticipating a lot of traffic to deal with.  My plans changed when my cell phone rang a few minutes ago with the clinic's number showing on the caller ID.  I didn't want to answer it.  My heart sank.  My nurse sounded way too chipper for the news that I just knew was coming.

However, that bad news never came.  All she was doing was seeing if I could come earlier!!  Holy Hell she scared the CRAP out of me.  So now I will be arriving at 11:45 for a 12:15 transfer.  I asked her the status of my embryos and she said that they would be transferring #3 which is an early blast.  Number 2 is early cavitating and #1 is a blast with an inner cell mass.  I will be googling all of that as soon as I'm done here.  I want to be informed when I get there and when I speak with the embryologist.  I called BJ to let him know the news and of course he wanted to know why they wanted me earlier.  I didn't ask why, I was too relieved to hear that my embryos are still viable.  Men.
I will be doing some googling and then taking a shower and running to the store to get Easter basket stuff that I have totally forgotten about and then heading to the clinic.  Thank you all so much for being here for me!  Please keep the positivity coming...I really need it now.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Do What?

Wouldn't you know that my nurse called when we were in the movies?  She doesn't usually call me until later in the afternoon.  I had my phone on vibrate and was ready to run out of the theater as soon as it started buzzing.  The only buzz I got was my phone letting me know that I had a voicemail.  I listened to it at my seat.

She didn't sound happy but she did give me good news and some perplexing news.  She told me that all three embryos were dividing normally and looking good.  Yay!  She then proceeded to tell me that transfer will be on Thursday and she'll call me back with the details.  Huh?  What?  Did I just hear that right?  She must be mistaken...right?  There's no way they will wait when I only have 3...will they?

I called her as soon as we got to my truck and left her a message to call me back.  When she called me I asked her about my other 2 eggs that didn't make it even though they were mature.  They didn't fertilize properly, which I figured.  When I asked her about the day 5 transfer she said that she had to call the lab to make sure she was seeing that correctly, too.  After double checking, I am indeed scheduled for Thursday.  She said that everything looks good right now and they are growing just fine and right on schedule.  She will call me Wednesday to let me know what time to be at the clinic.

I asked her if the clinic would freeze just one embryo and she said that they absolutely would.  BJ and I discussed how many to transfer and we decided that if we have 2 we are transferring both.  He knows the risks and so do I.  He was thinking he wanted all 3 and I had to talk him out of that.  Too many risks if they all 3 take.  He agreed with a little coaxing so if we have 2 Thursday, we will transfer 2.

I'm really nervous about this, ladies.  My nurse is not supposed to call me today...unless something catastrophic happens.  I'm really scared about this day 5 thing.  I have some scenarios running through my mind right now.  What if we have nothing to transfer?  Would I be able to handle that better than a BFN?  I would always wonder if they would have been transferred on day 3 then maybe they would have made it.  What if we transfer and the 3rd embryo doesn't make it to freeze?  Does that mean that the other 2 that we have are bad, too?  This is uncharted territory for me and I'm not sure how to handle it.

I'm going to try and fill my time with other things today and tomorrow while I wait for my nurse to call.  I'm taking the Little Guy over to his Grandfather's so they can spend the day together.  I'm getting a pedicure, getting my oil changed and going to the grocery store.  I might also drive to the mall and do a little shopping as I'm in major need of some new clothes.  Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a wax in the morning and if I don't shop today, I'll shop tomorrow.  If we make it to transfer, my Friday will be spent sitting at my scrapping table as I get caught up on some scrapping.  That reminds me that I need to get some pictures printed, too.

All in all, I'm very grateful to have my 3 Amigos growing at the lab.  And I'm really excited about the prospect of a day 5 transfer.  I feel like there is more of a chance at success waiting until day 5.  I will not delude myself because I know of people that did day 5 transfers and did not end up pregnant.  However, given the choice of pure panic and hopefulness, I'm choosing hope this time.  At least that's the plan.  :-)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Retrieval Recap

First, the nitty gritty:

8 follicles
5 eggs
5 mature
3 embryos - as of 12:00 yesterday.

Now the details:

Friday afternoon I began to feel a headache coming on.  I left work early and by the time I got home I was pretty much in migraine-ville.  My concern was that my hormones were falling off fast and that all my eggs were dying.  Yes, I have a vivid, morbid imagination.  We took the Little Guy over to my SIL's and stayed to chat for a while.  All I wanted was peace and quiet and a dark room.  I had to force myself to eat dinner.  I felt horrible.  BJ was convinced it was the HCG causing it.  He must have told me to call the doctor 5 times.  I refused...nothing was ruining this for us.  He started looking my symptoms up online and had a real eye opener to what I was actually putting in my body.  He really thought I should call the doctor after his research.  I just laid down on the couch and watched the hockey game.  I slept for a while and when I woke up I felt extremely nauseous.  I went to the bathroom and dry heaved about 6 times...nothing would come up.  Then all of a sudden my stomach felt better.  My head still hurt but that was it.  It was off to bed.

Saturday morning went fine.  We arrived at the clinic with 20 minutes to spare.  I changed into my sexy gown and cap and we hung out together until it was time.  We thumb wrestled and were cracking each other up.  I'm sure if the other couples could hear us they were probably wondering what was so funny.  We kept things very light for the remainder of our wait.  I was pretty groggy afterward, like in the past.  I felt a little disappointment at only 5 eggs but was hopeful that they would all be mature given my E2 level on Thursday.  They had mixed up my instructions and tried to tell me that I would be doing daily PIO shots.  I had to set her straight and she checked and found out that I was right.  Whew!  We were stuck in some very nasty traffic on the way home and it took us an hour longer than it should have.  The nurse specifically said not to wait too long before eating so that I could take my pain pill.  Well BJ being BJ, didn't want to go off route to get food and thought it would be fine to wait until we were closer to home.  Thankfully I slept some in the car because I was in pain and was after 3:00 before we got something to eat.

I took my pill when we got home and laid down on the couch and was in and out most of the evening.  The pain subsided and I was able to enjoy dinner.

The only 5 minutes that I didn't have my phone with me was when the lab called and left me a message to tell me that all 5 were heart soared.  My heart promptly sank when we she said that we had 3 embryos.  I'm happy to have one more than last time but at the same time I'm sad to only have 3 after everything had been going so well.  I was so hoping to be able to freeze this time.  I should be getting a call soon from the nurse to tell me how many we still have and what day we will be transferring.  I'm sure with only 3 our transfer will be tomorrow.  However, if we have 3 great looking embryos I don't know that we will transfer all 3.  I'm pretty against it but BJ is on the fence.  Also, I don't know if my clinic will freeze just one.  Of course, this might be a non-problem depending on the phone call I get in a little while.

Thank you all so very much for being here for me during this time...and always, really.  It has meant so much to me to be able to come here and lend a voice to all my fears and dreams.  I will update later with news from the lab.  Right now, the Little Guy and I are off to IHOP for breakfast and then heading to the movies to see Rio.

Friday, April 15, 2011

24 Hours

In 24 hours (from when I started this post at 11:00) I will be arriving at the clinic.  ER is set for 12:30.  This past 24 hours has been pretty rough.  My thoughts and emotions are all over the place so I think this post will be, too.

I had my scan yesterday morning and this is what they found:

11 follicles, 8 measurable - 16.9 to 23.3 - the tech said she thought I had 3 mature.  I'm hoping for more.
My E2 came back at 2,323!  Go me!  Last time it didn't get over 1001.
Lining is perfect.

The surgery center called me and told me that trigger would be at 12:30am, not the best but it could have been much worse.  BJ wasn't happy but we set our alarms and did what we had to do.  It didn't hurt too bad but I'm sore today.  I don't remember being sore last time.  BJ is not sure that the nurse marked the right spot when I asked her to draw a target.  It's definitely closer to my hip than last time.  Hope it's ok.

I didn't sleep well.  It took a while to fall asleep even though I was completely exhausted and then I woke up every 1/2 hour until my alarm went off for trigger.  Sleep didn't come very easily after that, either.  My throat is still pretty raw and I was coughing a little.  Then I'd drift off only to wake up 5 minutes later.  My best sleep was from 2:15 to 5:00, after that I was awake until it was time to get up.  I didn't want to come in today because I feel that my body needs to rest but there are things that need to get done and with me having a new boss I thought it not wise to take another sick day when I'm already off next week.  I will be leaving early, though.

I had to call BJ's sister and give her the news flash of what we are doing and ask her if she can take the Little Guy tonight since we have to be up early tomorrow and he can't come with us.  She said she's feeling very positive for us and she wasn't the least bit upset that we didn't tell her sooner.  She has a friend that has suffered secondary IF for 10 years so she knows a little about how it feels.  However, she just told me that her friend, J, is pregnant with a little girl due in September...she's 46...and it was a natural conception.  She thought I knew but I didn't.  When I say she knows a little, I mean it.  The very next sentence out of her mouth was "J has been suffering for so long and doing hormone treatments for so many years and she just got rid of all her baby stuff and sold everything and gave up and that's when she ended up pregnant.  I told her that she just needed to stop thinking about it so much."  UGH!!!  And I told her straight up, "that's not ALL she needed to do...I've not thought about it for years and it never happened for us."  I think she realized she said the wrong thing but it's all good.

The worry is setting is.  The harder I try to be positive and hopeful the more I start to worry.  What if it's my cyst that is giving off all that great E2 now?  What if I only have 2 or 3 mature eggs?  What if they don't fertilize?  What if they don't make it to day 3 let alone all the way to day 5?  What if the trigger target was in the wrong place and messed everything up?  What if my cold/allergies make me cough too much and won't let anything implant?  What if it implants but I lose it?  All this and more is running through my head.  There is so much riding on this.  The weight that is on my shoulders right now is almost unbearable.  What if I have come this far only to fail again?  That thought scares the shit out of me.  I want to believe, I want to have faith and I want this to work more than anything.  I'm afraid to hope for such wonderful things.  This cycle has been a relative breeze and I have responded so well....when will it all go bad?  It always goes bad for us.  I don't know how to see passed the pain.  I'm afraid to hope for too much, afraid to ask God for too much.  I keep getting giddy and saying things to myself like, "I'm going to be PUPO next week!"  And then I stop and say, "well, hopefully".  I tell myself that we are going to have a baby in January.  And then I turn right around and say to myself, "maybe...if anything fertilizes."  I'm a mess.

I probably won't be able to update until I get the fertilization report on Sunday.  Tomorrow will be busy and I don't handle anesthesia very well so I most likely will not be up to posting.  Thank you all so very much for being out there and rooting for us and praying for us...and listening to my crazy thoughts.  You are definitely my support system.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Happiness Is...

 - writing this post...there are other things in my life going on right now other than just my IVF.

 - watching the Little Guy play his first kid pitch game last weekend.  They lost but it was close and very intense for us spectators.  He plays again tonight and I am hoping for a better outcome for him.  He didn't get to actually hit the ball Sunday...he was walked twice and hit with the ball once (just his hand, nothing serious).

- sitting in my living room and looking out the window.  The trees are finally filling in and we have a natural Dogwood that is in bloom and some other purple tree that has finally bloomed so we have some color back there.

 - watching hockey playoffs.  My team won in overtime last night and it was pretty exciting stuff.  I hope they can keep it together and actually be a real contender this year.  They deserve it as hard as they have worked.

 - staying home to rest today.  I started to get a very nasty sore throat yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home I could barely swallow it hurt so bad.  I decided to come home after my monitoring appointment this morning and get some rest.  I slept on and off for 2 hours and feel like I could take another nap.  I might just do that.  I need to be rested and as well as possible for my ER.

 - getting a personal call from Dr. M, my RE.  He personally called me an hour ago to congratulate me on my progress so far.  I will share the details after my call from the nurse comes in but I can trigger tonight and ER will be on Saturday!  He said he just couldn't resist calling me himself to give me the good news.  I was scared when I realized it was him on the other end and not my nurse.  The last time he called me was to give me the news that we were canceling the cycle.  Yay for trigger tonight!  Now, if I could just get my nurse to call with my times...soon hopefully.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Still Stimming

I had my scan this morning and I still have 8 measurable follicles...and I can feel them, let me tell you.  The tech said I should see the nurse for trigger instructions just in case.  I left there with my packet of instructions, BJ's sample cup and a circle on my outer left buttock.  I was so ready to have ER on Friday.  We have the Little Guy this weekend so doing it Friday during the day would be perfect...we wouldn't need to worry about what to do with him on Saturday or Sunday.

I just got the call from my nurse and the doctor wants me to stim one more day.  So if I trigger tomorrow night then retrieval will be on Saturday and we have to find someone to watch the Little Guy while we are gone.  This is not ideal but somehow we will make it work.  We have to be there at least an hour before the procedure and we live just over an hour away.  I didn't want anyone to know that we are doing this but it looks like the cat will be out of the bag.  Oh well, there's not much I can do about it at this point so I'm not going to stress.  My guess is that we will ask BJ's sister to watch him while we go.  Our Saturday will be a wash but at least we will be avoiding rush hour traffic and neither of us have to take off work.

I took next week off of work which also works out well.  If ER is Saturday then transfer will be either Tuesday or Thursday...providing we get that far.  I'm starting to have some mini-doubts about things working out in our favor.  We've come so far and (seemingly) I've done so well...I sort of feel the wind falling out of my sails.  I'm trying really hard to stay calm and let whatever happens happen, but as we get closer all the "what if's" of what could go wrong are trying really hard to squeeze their way in.  Starting with my new boss.  He was supposed to be off next week so it made taking this time off easier...he has decided to come in.  It's not as easy to be out when the boss is here working.  The next thing was being pushed to Saturday for ER...not ideal but still very workable.  I'm hoping that this is not the start of a domino affect on us.  Just sitting here trying to remain calm and relaxed and focused on the task at hand....growing eggs.

Here are the stats for today's appointment:

13 follicles, 8 measurable ranging from 14.7 to 20.3 (cutting it close with that bigger one but trusting that the doc knows what he's doing.)
E2 is up to 1,785 - nicely done.  I might really have 5 to 6 good eggs in there.

Thank you all, again, for your well wishes.  It means a lot to me and I've been surprised by some lurkers that have commented lately!  Hi ladies!  Thanks for speaking up.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

So Close!!!

I know I already updated today but I just got my call from my nurse and I'm so excited!  She's excited for me too, and that just feeds my own excitement.

My memory was obviously a little fuzzy when I posted earlier.  My measurable follicles (she said all 8 of them!) are ranging in size from 15.3 to 17.7!  How awesome is that??  My E2 is coming in at 1,472!  I did some googling and was a bit worried at first but the more I read the more I figured I am doing ok.  She said that I have a total of 13!  I'm not going to dwell on the ones that didn't grow big enough and I'm just going to be proud of the ones that did/are.  My lining is a whopping 11.6!  I thought it looked pretty thick this morning but I didn't ask the tech about it as I've never had lining issues and I could see the 3 lines pretty clearly.  My nurse thinks that she will probably call me with triggering instructions tomorrow afternoon!  Holy moly!

Guys, I'm just so happy right now.  These numbers are so good.  Looking at my E2 it seems that I might have at least 5 eggs maturing in there, maybe more if I go on the low end of the scale.  (I looked back at my blood work numbers from my last IVF 2 years ago.  On trigger day I had 5 follicles and my E2 was 1,001.  I ended up with 4 eggs and only 3 mature.  Those are the numbers I'm using to guess at this.)  The fact that they are all so close in size is really a blessing.  I'm so thankful to have gotten this far.  I know that nothing is guaranteed but I can't help but feel like we could really get a baby out of this.  I get tears in my eyes when I think about that.  It could be my turn.  I am also staying realistic...which sucks.  But I'm not letting the negative creep in too much.  The enormity of this is starting to set in but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping myself on the positive train...with Hope as my traveling companion.  And all of you are here with me, too.

Please keep praying and if you aren't the praying type, please keep hoping and sending positive thoughts our way.  I'm just so thankful to have your support and your encouragement.  There is only 1 person IRL that knows pretty much exactly what is happening with me and she is praying, too.  My old boss knows that we are doing this but she doesn't know everything because she's not here but she's pulling for us.  Our families don't know anything this time around and I so hope that we can surprise them with happy news.

Please oh, please let this be IT for us.

More Scan Updates

I received the call from my nurse yesterday afternoon (of course she called right when a meeting was starting) and she gave me some surprising news.  I actually have 11 follicles but only the 7 were measurable.  It disappointed me a bit that they were sitting there and not growing along with their buddies, but then I went back to being grateful that I have 7.  My E2 had risen to 1,196 and as I thought, they did not change my medication and said to come back this morning.  I was hoping for a little higher E2 but I guess that's ok.  I'll have to google what the range should be.

I had my scan this morning and there wasn't a lot of change from yesterday which I think is a good thing.  I don't want to go too fast.  My largest follicle is measuring 19 and my smallest was 14 (I think).  She also found another one on my left ovary that grew from yesterday to measure in at now I have 8 measurable follicles.  I don't have any real expectations for that little one to catch up to the others so I'm still happy with my 7.  I'm still seeing gobs of EWCM and my boobs are beginning to hurt more and more.  I'm going to take those as good signs also.  I'm just afraid of empty follicles...I had one last time.

Of course I'm getting ready to google what my E2 should be so we will see how my positive attitude handles that.  :-)

I'm actually starting to get a bit nervous now that we are getting close and that I know that the ER will happen this weekend at some point.  I'm rooting myself on and trying to stay calm at the same time.  It's not easy.  Especially when I'm so tired I feel like I can barely function at work properly.  I'm dreaming so much that I don't feel rested in the mornings.  I'm getting up about 15 minutes earlier than usual to give myself time for my injections and head to the clinic.  It takes about 50 minutes to get there.  And then I drive another hour to get to work (in traffic) and then I have to drive all the way home in the afternoon.  It's definitely taking a toll on me.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and for being my cheerleaders!  I really appreciate it and it makes this process a little easier to deal with.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Scan Updates

Sorry for the delay.  I had a very busy weekend and then our Internet was down this morning at work.

Here goes it:

Scan 1 was Saturday morning.  I was scared that I responded too quickly, as I have in the past.  I was scared of not responding at all, as I have in the past.  My lining looked good and I told the tech about my cyst on my left ovary.  She scanned righty first.  She measured a lead follicle at 12 and then she said there were a few more that were too small to measure.  She moved over to lefty and my jaw dropped.  My cyst had doubled in size (or so it seemed)!  She measured a follicle over there at 13 and then noted some smaller ones.  I asked her if she thought those 2 leads would be a problem and she said no.  She said that the others that couldn't be measured were just a tad smaller and that it shouldn't pose a problem.  I told BJ that I was pretty certain they'd back off my meds.  I got the call around 5:00 and indeed they had me eliminate my nightly dose of Gonal-F.  I forgot to ask what my E2 was but I snooped at the computer screen after this morning's scan and it was 728.  I was still to take my morning and evening Lupron (20 units), my morning Gonal-F (300) and my evening Menopur (150).

Starting yesterday afternoon, I noticed some EWCM.  There's a lot of it, actually.  And there still is today.  I haven't seen this much in a very long time....I venture to say years.  It has me worried about my E2 levels this time.  I'm hoping to get the call about my blood work in the next couple of hours.

Scan 2 was this morning.  I was really worried that the lead follicles took off.  Especially since I have seen so much EWCM.  My lining is thickening up nicely.  My right ovary had 4 measurable follicles ranging in size from 12 to 16 and my left (still with the big ol' cyst) had 3 measurable follicles ranging from 11 to 14.  Not bad, eh?  I was so excited when I left there.  The tech was excited for me, too.  I made my next appointment for tomorrow morning.  I'm guessing they won't change my meds unless something strange is happening in my blood.

SEVEN follicles!  I know that pales in comparison to the ladies that get 15 to 20, but I only had 5 last time and only 4 eggs with 3 mature.  Adding 2 more follicles is a lot of progress for me.  I am so pleased with my progress and how my body is rising to the occasion this time.  I actually keep telling myself that we are going to get a baby out of this.  I know that it's very dangerous to have such a positive attitude but I can't help it right now.  My mind is not grasping anything negative at this point.  I probably won't make it to a Sunday ER but if I can hold off until at least Friday I'll be happy.  The more time everything has to mature the better.  I've only been on the Gonal-F for 6 days so I hope I'm not moving too fast.  I might be a low responder but I'm quick, that's for sure.

I've been thanking God for helping me along during this cycle.  I have been asking Him for help more than I have been asking my body for help this time around.  Not sure if it's making a difference but it helps me to think that it is.  It helps me to think that God wants this to work for us.  And that He wants me to get my blessing out of my commitment and hard work and years of longing.  I know that it's all up to Him and I'm hoping that our plans match.  :-)

And thank you ladies for your good advice and your positive thoughts and your prayers.  People always talk about the power of prayer so it's nice to know that I have all of you out there pulling for us.

Friday, April 8, 2011


  • Opening day of little league is Sunday!!  We have pictures tomorrow and then the first game on Sunday.  I can't wait.  They have missed 3 practices due to rain so I don't expect a lot out of them Sunday but I'm still so excited to watch.
  • I'm sick to death of this weather.  We get 2 Spring days, a Summer day and then 3 Winter days...what the hell?  I'm tired of the clouds and the cold rain.  I really need Spring to get here...heck, at this point I'll jump right into Summer.  Bring on the heat!
  • I'm worried about the trees in my area.  They had just begun to bud and then we had below freezing temps and snow for 3 nights in a row and now they look almost brown again.  I've been watching them like a hawk and I'm not liking what I'm seeing.  The younger trees are bright green and look great but the more mature trees look like they are heading back into Fall...not good.
  • We are going to the Nursery tomorrow afternoon to take a look at the proposed landscape plan.  I'm looking very forward to seeing what he came up with.  We will do most of the work ourselves but having a plan put together by a knowledgeable professional will come in very handy indeed.
  • My injections are going well.  The evening session of mixing and injecting 3 different substances is a bit time consuming but I'm getting it done.  I had a mishap this morning with my Gonal-F.  When I pulled the needle out a few drops of the medicine along with some blood came back out.  I freaked out a little but after those couple of drops nothing else came out.  I don't think it was enough to really concern myself with but still.  I had been doing so good and only had 2 bruises up until that happened.  Now I have a nasty new bruise.
  • My tummy is sore to the touch.  This is new for me as I wasn't sore at all last time.  I find myself bending differently and pulling my pants down just slightly to ease the pressure.  I don't think I feel any ovary growth yet, as in my pants are not tight around my belly, it's just sore.
  • I've been saying many prayers lately regarding my ovaries.  I've been praying to God daily that He is allowing this medicine to do good things with my follicles and eggs.  I'm keeping a very positive attitude and trusting that everything is working properly in there.
  • I have my scan and blood work tomorrow morning at 8:30.  I'm glad these checks have been on the weekend so far, although it cuts into my morning snuggle time with my honey, it saves me from driving into work and taking a chance at being late.  If all goes according to plan, my ER will be on a Sunday and no one will have to take any time off for it.  Fingers crossed.
  • I have not been deemed important enough by PETA for even their form letter, which is fine.  I don't need to get all riled up about it again.  Damn if they don't piss me off, though.  I've still been reading the responses others are getting and it's just so unfortunate that they just refuse to stop and THINK.  I think the animals they are trying to save have more brain power than the employees of that crazy organization.  Eff them.
  • My moods are evening out nicely.  Other than my blowups at traffic, I've been pretty good.  I don't feel like crying at everything and BJ doesn't seem so annoying anymore.  :-)  I'm still very tired and I think the meds are backing me up, if you know what I mean.  I've only had 2 "meaningful" trips to the bathroom since starting the Lupron.  Aside from an OTC laxative and prune juice (which I hate) is there something I can do to help move things along?
  • I'm thinking of taking the week of Spring Break off.  My new boss will be out all but one day that week and it will be during the time of ER and transfer (hopefully) and the Little Guy will be out of school and it could be a good chance for a "TeeJay and Little Guy Day".  We haven't had one in a while and he has asked me a couple of times when we were going to do that again.  We usually go to the movies or the mall and get lunch or a special treat.  The more I think about it the more I want to do it.
  • As I'm typing this it feels like my ovaries are swimming a little bit.  I hope that means good things.  I also hope it's my ovaries and not my constipation causing the feeling as I have only been on the stims since Wednesday morning.  :-)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

My Very Own PETA Letter! - Updated

After reading From IF to When's blog post last night I just had to write this letter.  It's not as eloquent or as powerful as some of the letters I have written but I just HAD to do it.  I had to throw my hat in the ring.  I seriously had a hot flash last night after reading this.  I read it to BJ and he just shook his head...he doesn't fully understand but he pretended that he does so he gets brownie points for that.  :-)

Dear Ms. Newkirk,

I don't usually write letters like this but I feel such disdain about your vasectomy contest that I can no longer sit quietly by. I think your organization really needs to take a step back and really think about what you are saying when you run a contest in "honor" of a disease that over 7 million people suffer from. Yes, infertility is a disease as recognized by the World Health Organization, maybe you have heard of them?

I have been reading letter after letter and response after response between my fellow infertiles and your staff. One response in particular made my blood boil...literally...I had a hot flash I was so angry. I have pasted the segment below for your review. This came from HollyAnne Dame to a woman that suffers from infertility.

Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge, but it isn’t helpful to act on all our urges, no matter how strong. The issue is not whether one is infertile but whether it is responsible to keep adding people to a planet whose resources are already being stretched. In America, most people eat well, have a roof over their heads, and buy gasoline, but in much of the rest of the world, people are starving, forests are disappearing, and water is running out, and it seems a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes.

Let me ask you this, is it a prerequisite for PETA employees to be sterilized? If I were to apply for a job with PETA would I only be allowed to expand my family via adoption? Would I be fired if I got pregnant on my own?

Having a child is not just a compelling urge to humans, it's the way of the world. If we lived by your standards humans would fade away and who would be here to care for the animals? Every animal I have ever owned (and there have been quite a few) have all been rescued. If you really want the world to stop reproducing then you should think about how that would affect the animal population as well.

The infertile community is one of the most animal loving groups out there. We can't have babies so to fulfill our human need (or compelling urge) to nurture and love, we adopt animals...and lots of them. And we are responsible about it, too. PETA, on the other hand is not so responsible in how they try to get attention for their cause. Holding the contest is not what bothers us so much. It's the fact that you are holding it during National Infertility Awareness Week, a week in which we set aside to educate others about our struggles. A week set aside to bring awareness to our disease and hopefully some understanding as well. PETA is clearly mocking us and we will not stand for it.

I am appalled that you thought this was a good idea. Choosing to get a vasectomy is very different from infertility and should not, under any circumstances, be thought of as the same thing. We do not choose to be infertile. We fight infertility every day with the hopes of coming out the other side. We have to fight against the shame and embarrassment of our disease. We have to fight insurance companies that don't want to treat our disease. We have to fight the ignorance and the misconceptions of our disease with the people in our lives. And now it seems that we have to fight PETA, too. And we will do so. We are strong and we are ready.


And here is the response I received:

"Please be patient. Your email will be sorted and answered or left to await Ms. Newkirk's return.  Thank you!"

Maybe I'll get lucky and I'll get a real response later.

UPDATE: - If you would like to send your own letter to PETA you can use this address -

Thank you all for your kind words about my letter...still no real response yet, not even the dreaded form letter.  Stay tuned!  And FYI - this is a great way to distract me from my sore belly and my crazy hormones.  :-)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Whoa, Nelly!

I'm sitting here on the verge of tears.  I don't actually know what has me so upset.  Wait, I do know.  It's Nothing in Particular.  I injected myself with my Lupron this morning and then I added my Gonal-F...a dosage of 300.  I'm sure that the Gonal-F is already messing with my hormones.

I feel sad and down.  The complete opposite of what I have been feeling the last couple of days.  The last couple of days have been splendid...I'm thinking positive thoughts, I'm smiling, I'm daydreaming good things...all of it.  However today, I'm just down in the dumps.  The only thing I can come up with for my mood is the injection this morning.  Great.  I can't wait to add another dose of 150 of Gonal-F this evening AND Menopur and yet more Lupron.

If I'm feeling this way with just one dose in me, I hate to see what I will be like after several days of stimming.  My husband will not be a happy camper, that's for sure.  I will have to keep myself busy at home as to not cry at the drop of a hat or pick a fight with him.  I feel like I could do that, too.  I feel a bit of anger brewing for every little thing he has done to annoy me over the last 24 hours (not that it's been much, but there are things).  The last thing I want to do is start a fight but there is part of me right now that would welcome the chance to blow off some steam.

Man, oh man.  I don't remember feeling like this the last time I was stimming.  It was 2 years ago so I guess anything is possible.  I'm trying to focus on my ovaries producing some really good follicles with very mature, normal eggs.  My emotions are all over the place and I'm going to need something to focus on to keep myself in check.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

PETA Campaign - WTF???

Check out this post from Keiko about a new campaign PETA is running....the most absurd thing I have ever heard of!

Pass it along in any way you see fit.  This is outrageous.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Come, Let Me Read Your Palm!

At my appointment Saturday, I was told "Damn, you're good" by the tech doing my ultrasound.  So I figured I could open up my own palm reading business and make a pretty good living.  Let me explain...

Cutting to the chase (for those that don't want the dragged out long and very detailed version), I was cleared to start stims this morning!!!  We are doing this, yo!

The long version is as follows.

So you know that I mentioned that it felt like I had a cyst.  Well, I didn't feel it for a couple of days.  I thought I was off the hook.  Of course as soon as that thought came into my head, I felt the damn cyst.  I signed in at the clinic at 8:30 Saturday morning.  They called me back and another woman got up and we both looked confused as did the the girl getting ready to draw our blood.  We have the same first name.  That's never happened before...the tech even said, "it's not like you have a name like Jennifer or Heather..."  She took my blood and then I waited for the u/s.  When the tech came in she asked how I was doing and I told her that I didn't have a good feeling and that I'm pretty sure I have a cyst on my left ovary.  She inserted the good old vag cam and measured my lining first...looks perfect at 5.8.  Then she looked at my right ovary and entered <10, meaning less than 10 antral follicles.  She actually had to push on my abdomen a little to get a clear picture.  Then she came over to my left ovary.  That's when I knew I had psychic powers.  There it was, a very impressively large cyst.  And in my head I said, "you motherfucker" to my ovary.  The tech asked me how painful it was and I told her that it didn't really hurt that much but that I could feel it and I know every time I have one.  She said that I still needed to see the nurse and that nothing was definitive yet until my blood work came back with the E2 report.  I said, "well, I've been here before...."

The weekend nurse called me into her office and looked as disappointed as I felt.  She started filling out my dosage calendar and I told her that I didn't know if she really should be doing that because my cysts are always giving off too much estrogen and delaying me...and that I'll probably just have to stay on these bcp that I hate.  She still filled out the calendar and went over it with me.  I checked out and the receptionist asked if I needed to make another appointment.  I told her no that I had to wait for my afternoon phone call first.  I headed out of there and just felt numb.  Betrayed by my body...again.  I sent BJ a text that I had a cyst and wouldn't be starting anything Monday.  When I got home he gave me a hug and showed that he was not happy about the cyst and he always wants to know why I get them.  I have no answer for that.

We went about our day and then the call came in just before 3:00pm.  The weekend nurse that makes these calls has a British accent and I find myself distracted by how eloquent she sounds.  Anyway, she starts out by telling me that my blood work came back great and that I can start my Lupron on Monday...blah, blah, blah.  I had to interrupt her.  "I'm a little confused...I have a pretty big cyst...isn't it giving off estrogen?"  And she says that my E2 level looked good at 25.2 which is really no different than someone without a cyst...the doctor wants it below 50 so you are looking good to go."  WOW!  What a turn of events.  I started taking notes of what she was saying because I just couldn't believe it.  I got off the phone and proceeded to tell BJ what she said and gave him a big high 5.  Of course, being the cynic that he is he just had to say..."they better be right...that cyst better not interfere with anything."

Yahoo!  I was cleared to start stims!  I can't even tell you how amazed I am that my body actually didn't let me down this time.  Could this be the beginning of a trend?  I dare to even hope that this could continue.  I said so many thank you's to God Saturday and yesterday, I'm sure He's glad to be thanked instead of being begged for everything.  So while I may be able to open my own palm reading business, I don't think I'd be very successful since I was only half right about the outcome of my appointment.

The Lupron has to be refrigerated so that is a minor inconvenience as I have to leave the bedroom first thing in the morning and then come back and shut the cats out.  Ever since the bed peeing incident, we haven't let them in the room in the morning.  :-(  Gizmo raises Hell outside our door once he knows I'm up in the morning.  He did ok this morning because BJ had to get up earlier than usual so he had someone downstairs with him pretty quickly.  It won't be like that from now on, though.  I gave myself the injection without any problems.  No rust here, ladies.  BJ was over at his vanity and even though I turned my back to him (he's squeamish) I think he snuck a peak of me in my mirror because when I was done he asked me if I "got r done".  :-)

I have more to write about our weekend but I will save it for another post.  This one is long enough.  I'm still so excited to be underway!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Christmas in April - Infertility Style

My box of meds came today.  I have to have them delivered to my work because they have to be signed for.  Getting the box felt a bit like Christmas.  It's the same feelings I've had for the last couple of boxes I've received.  However, I choose to look at this box as the box that is going to get me pregnant.  Not literally, of course.  :-)

The order is complete except I don't have my sharps container.  I called Freedom and apparently my doctor didn't "prescribe" one but they will send one out that I should get Tuesday.  I don't actually start injections until Monday.

I now have to try and fit everything in my book bag so that I can take it home.  Should be fun.  I can't leave any of my "presents" here!

My Lupron needs to be refrigerated and while I think the cold pack they have it in will be fine until I get home, I wrapped my silver insulated bag in an old Dress Barn bag, stapled it shut and put it in the office fridge.  The last thing I need is someone poking around and wondering why a Dress Barn bag is in the fridge.  That would be pretty funny...and embarrassing.

I have lots of syringes and I need a refresher on measuring out my Lupron.  I will ask about that tomorrow at my scan.  I know that one of the needles is used for mixing and the other is used for administering, just can't remember which is which.

I have lots of Gonal-f, too.  There is also mixing involved with that one.  I will definitely need to ask about all of this tomorrow.  Provided I don't leave there in tears because of a cyst or other complication.  Ugh, I don't want to think about that.

I have my oral Estrace and my vaginal Endometrin, my 2 pills of Zithromax for the night before retrieval and my HCG that BJ will have to administer...he just LOVES that part.  Not.

So I'm set and I'm ready.  I think.  I've been getting butterflies off and on all afternoon.  I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep but with the anticipation of tomorrow's appointment I'm not sure that will happen.  I'm going to try, though.  I'm also going to hope for the best.  I'm going to hope that this terrible bcp has done it's job.  It's terrible because my boobs are still super sore, I'm extremely fatigued and I have an insatiable thirst...I can't wait to stop taking them.  No cysts or other roadblocks tomorrow...smooth sailing with instructions to start my microdose flare protocol Monday!  (please, oh please!!)

PS - I'm trying to put a trip to Busch Gardens together for late Spring.  In my new positive way of thinking, I keep telling myself, "it's not like I'll be able to ride any roller coasters so BJ and the Little Guy are on their own."  (again, please, oh please!!)