Monday, August 30, 2010


The title says it all, doesn't it? This whole IF journey is unpredictable. From the first days of trying to the first visit with the RE to the eventual outcome of a fertility treatment. And now my body has joined right in with all the unpredictableness. Not even sure that's a word.

I've been having issues pinpointing my O this cycle. I finally got my temperature spike Saturday morning. Staying true to my pattern, that would mean that I ovulated on Thursday, CD17. Yeah, right. Not after getting a positive OPK on CD12 and CD13. But whatever. FF says I ovulated on Friday since my temp spiked Saturday morning but with the disclaimer that my OPK data does not support those facts. No sh!t Sherlock. Again, whatever. BJ and I did the deed Saturday night and Wednesday night and we will just have to wait and see what happens.

We did not find a dining room table. We had to cut our journey short and skip one store because BJ promised the neighbor that he'd bring him ice (for his party) at a certain time and we didn't want to be rushed. We did, however, seem to narrow down the kind of table we want. We are going to stick with counter/pub height. We like those tables the most and our kitchen table is that high and it works well when we have people over. I think I have also decided that I want a dark walnut color or black wood. I bought silver curtains and we are going to put hardwoods down eventually so I think a darker brown or black will work well. Not sure when we are going to head out looking again but hopefully in 2 weeks.

This upcoming weekend we will have the Little Guy and his 2 cousins, BJ's sister's boys. The SIL and her husband are spending Saturday at the National Harbor and then staying over. Our niece is going to her grandmother's for the night. We will have a house full of crazy little boys. I hope the weather holds out so that they can play outside some. I don't want them glued to the video games the whole time. Maybe I will introduce them to some games we played as a kid...Red Light, Green Light and Simon Says. If we can scrounge some of the other kids in the neighborhood they might even be able to play kickball in the back yard. How fun would that be? I hope the hurricane stays away for the weekend.

I just looked at the calendar and my period is due to start this weekend. Great. A house full of boys and I'll be grouchy, bloated, pissy, short tempered and sad. Although, with such a supposedly late O day, maybe she'll hold off until after the boys go home. Or maybe she won't show at all and I'll get my miracle, surprise, "how the hell did that happen" BFP. A girl can dream, right?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Not Sure What to Think

You know how I thought I ovulated on Monday and then I thought I ovulated on Wednesday? I'm not sure I ovulated at all. I got the positive OPK late Saturday night and it was still positive (no the same strip) Sunday morning. That is why I figured Monday was the big O day. That and my physical signs pointed that way, too. Until Wednesday. I didn't get my temp spike and I was oozing (sorry, tmi) watery cm. I was also feeling some pinching in the left ovary. Ok, so that would mean that the temp spike would come this morning, right? Wrong. Maybe it's my thermometer, the battery is a little low. Or maybe I don't have enough progesterone in my body to make my temp spike. Or maybe I never actually ovulated.

My head is spinning. I can't believe that my reliable body has been letting me down so much this passed (past? I'm never sure which word to use) year. I'm still having some ovary pain and that would signal to me that I have a cyst. Nothing new for me but a cyst usually develops after ovulation. My temperature has not signaled that I ovulated.

I tried to buy a battery for the thermometer today but the drugstore didn't have the right size. I bought a new thermometer. I hope it works correctly. We'll see, I guess. Nothing to do but sit around and wait. Isn't that what we infertile girls do best? NOT.

We are shopping for a dining room table this weekend. I really hope we can find something and agree upon it. I'm also hoping to NOT spend a fortune. November is getting here fast and we need a table for Thanksgiving! Ack!

Our neighbors, Rick and Leslie, are having a party Saturday night. It's a combination 50th b-day party for Rick, a deck opening and a "hooray we finished our basement" party. It should be fun. Especially since neither of us have to drive and we can leave whenever we want. That's the part I like. Since I won't be drinking, I can just leave BJ there to enjoy himself and go home to bed. That's my kind of party. :-) Well, I might have one drink. Leslie makes really good drinks that don't contain much alcohol (unless you wan it to) and let's get real here, folks. The likelihood that I have a fertilized egg in me (from Monday or Wednesday or never) is slim to none. So I won't feel bad about having a drink.

Sunday will hopefully be a day of laundry, brief cleaning and sitting on the deck getting some sun. It's supposed to be wonderful this weekend, just like today. Mid 80's and low, low humidity...perfect.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Happiness Is...

- planning to go dining room table shopping Saturday. Why would I put this in a Happiness post, you ask? Because I'm staying positive that we will find a table!

- hearing that our shades for the kitchen eat-in area are going to ship on 9/1. I can't wait for BJ to put them up. I think they will look really nice and keep out most of the sun, lessening the need for the a/c.

- a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. MMMMM! I found a WW cream cheese that is only 1 point for 2 tbs. AND it tastes good! Not like the philly low fat or non fat kind...yuck.

- my husband going to the grocery store so that I don't have to. I hate food shopping. I always freeze in the store and it's such a hassle...taking the food off the shelf then putting it on the belt then putting the bags in the cart then putting the bags in my truck then taking the bags inside then putting it all away...I hate the whole process. BJ said that it wasn't fair to make me stop after work all the time when we needed stuff and that he gets down the road way before me and that he could he DID! Yay! for a husband that will go the grocery store!

- a beautiful sunny day outside. I'm going for a walk at lunch today and I can't wait to get out in the warmth.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

You've GOT to be Kidding Me...

I think I'm ovulating this morning. I know I thought that Monday morning, but it really feels like it today. Also, my temp usually spikes (if you can call it that) 2 mornings after ovulating and it didn't this morning. I have some watery cm, too. UGH!!

BJ and I almost did the deed last night but decided to wait until tonight because it was so late and we were already tired and we knew that he had to get an earlier than usual start to his day today. WHY??? Why do we always miss it??

Basically I have no one to blame this time but myself. I'M the one that said, let's do it tomorrow night when we can get an earlier start at it since the Little Guy won't be here.

Un-freaking believable....really.

Sorry, needed to vent.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's Cloudy

It's cloudy out today. It's been cloudy all day. And not only that, but it's 73 degrees cool. I don't like it. I thrive in the sunshine. Clouds put me to sleep and make day drag. I went for a walk at lunch and was really missing the sun. I was almost chilly. I am very sensitive to the cold. Part of that is my thyroid and I think the other part is genetic. My mom gets cold easily, too. I guess it's good that she's in FL now. At least I guess that's where she still is. Hard to keep track of her when she doesn't call or even send text messages. Whatever. My mood is cloudy today, too. I feel sort of blah. The day is dragging and all I want to do is go home and hear how the Little Guy's first day of school went. I have another hour here and then I won't be home until 2 hours after I leave. Blech.

I've been thinking a lot about my mother lately. Last week (8/17) was the 4th anniversary of her leaving. She got on a bus with a suitcase full of "stuff" and I didn't think I'd ever see her again. In March of 2008 she fell ill. She was in intensive care for days. I went down for a day to see her and assess the situation. She had MRSA and walking pneumonia. She was on a ventilator because she wasn't getting enough oxygen on her own. She was out cold the entire day. She had no idea I was there. I held her hand and talked to her and cried for her. My older brother also came down. He stayed over night at the place where she and her boyfriend lived. I refused to be near her boyfriend. More on him another time. My brother and I argued in the hallway of the ICU because he wanted to unplug her. I couldn't believe the nerve he had. To come down there and play the role of responsible first born child after the history he and my mother have was laughable. He didn't take her to doctor appointments. He didn't take her to the ER. He didn't let her stay with him after her surgery. He didn't pay her rent so that she wouldn't end up on the street. He didn't buy her Christmas gifts. He didn't call her almost every day. But yet here he was, the oldest that apparently gets to make all the decisions. I have only been that furious with him one other time in our lives. I hope to never visit those feelings again. I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue. I digress...we couldn't unplug her anyway because she wasn't braindead, she was put in a medical coma so that the machine could help her breath, not breath for her. He was being ridiculous. He had no right to even bring up such a thing. But we moved passed it. My mother got well, as well as she could get. And she was sent on her way. And she went right back to the man that (I feel) was to blame for her illness in the first place. The man that didn't come to see her while she was in the hospital. The man that got evicted while she was in the hospital and left her there while he traveled 2 hours away. And she's still with him. And I have such great animosity towards that man that my blood pressure goes up when I even think of him. I have so much more to tell about my mother and our relationship and him but I'm just not ready to go there yet. This is the story that has been on my mind lately. And I know it's because of the anniversary of her leaving. And I know it's the guilt I feel for buying her the bus ticket and the luggage and the stuff in the luggage and driving her to the bus station. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I didn't know what else to do. She wanted to go. She begged me to take her. And of course I feel immense guilt because she was living with me and BJ at the time. She moved in less than 2 weeks after he did. I was trying to start my life over and having her there made it incredibly stressful on our new relationship. I know I showed my feelings too often. I tried to be ok with everything but it was so hard to adjust. I had been living alone for a year and then in the span of 2 weeks I had my new boyfriend, his son and my mother all under one roof with me. I'm afraid that she felt like she wasn't welcome and that's why she was so adamant to leave. I told her 100 times we didn't want her to go with him but she wouldn't relent. And if you think leaving her in the hospital was bad...he left her in an apartment that was in his name that he owed 3 months rent on and she didn't have a job. Nice guy, huh? And she still wanted to be with him. I have so many regrets about how all of that was handled. I was just about to finalize my divorce, BJ and the Little Guy moved in, my mother moved in and I was a bit overwhelmed. And she left. And I feel responsible. And I hate that. BJ is well aware that if something happens to Jimmy (my mom's boyfriend) she'll have no place to go...she will come back to me. I'm the one that takes care of her. I'm the one that will cave as soon as the tears start to flow. BJ has already said that he'd build a detached garage for her to live over. Yeah, like we have money for that. But at least he knows the situation and I hope he means what he says because I can't let her end up on the street. She's my mother. Regardless of our relationship, she is my mother.

This post took a turn for the worse, didn't it? But like the title says, it's cloudy...inside and out.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Impulse Shopping at its Best

We went to the mall Saturday to get the Little Guy some school shoes. For any newbies out there, I'm a step mom to a 9-year old little boy. We walked the mall for 2 hours looking for shoes and ended up getting a pair in the first store we looked. I also found a curtain rod for my new curtains. It's not as cool as the one in the living room, but I like it and it was on sale. And then of course the store is having a door buster sale so we decided to look at some jeans for the Little Guy. We got 2 pair for $25.00 and then got an additional percentage off! Then he saw a shirt that he HAD to have. It was on sale for 40% off so of course BJ caved and let him get it. Then BJ saw a pair of shorts that he liked that were marked down from $26 to $9.99...and we got the additional percentage off. The cashier scanned a coupon for us that saved us another $15.00! So with all the little things we picked up....curtain rod, jeans, shirt and shorts...we only spent $78! I so could have looked at the women's clothes but decided that we had spent enough money. At the bottom of the receipt, it said we saved $96! I was delighted. Plus, the Little Guy has new shoes and an outfit for the first day of school so he is pleased as well. Going in for shoes and coming out with all of that lets me know that the stores are doing their job of getting us to buy more than we came in for.

BJ put my curtains up and I love them. I had to borrow a steamer from our neighbor to get the creases out and I love them even more now. I didn't take any pictures because I would love to get a dining room table very soon and call it a complete room for now...until I paint and we get wood floors.

Yesterday we actually went looking for a dining table at a local store. They had 1 table set that we liked it was over $2,000 and only came with 4 chairs. Way over priced and so we moved along. BJ wanted to hit the office supply store and look for a new calendar for work. So we walked through and came upon the desks. We decided to order a desk for our office! It's a (fake) cherry finish and it's U shaped and has a hutch. A great deal at $400 considering you can't touch a complete set like that at the furniture stores for that cheap. So we went in for a calendar and came out with a desk on order. :-) Impulse shoppers for sure. The desk should be delivered the day after Labor Day. It will look so much better in there than the old desk I have. I have not unpacked the office because I wanted a new desk and I thought I'd be looking at those boxes for a year. Glad that is over. Plus, with a finish like that we can get a book case or a file cabinet to match.

In cycle news....I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating this morning. I tested so many times on Saturday and I finally got a positive read out at 10:45pm. BJ wanted to have some fun so we did even though I knew we were a little early. I tested yesterday morning and still had the positive so I was hoping to feel ovulation yesterday afternoon (as would be typical for my body) but I didn't. We skipped last night so I have to hope that the swimmers that got up there at 11:30 Saturday night are still hanging out. It's as close as we have come in a while so I'm going to stay positive about things. Even though last night would have been better. My stupid body is always trying to foil things. I usually (before IVF and all that jazz) ovulate on CD13 and here it is CD14. Go figure.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I know this is a little early but I won't be online over the weekend to write a post. I didn't participate last month as I was feeling rather down in the dumps. I usually do a post about my situation and give a little background. This month for ICLW I'm going to do something a little different. I'm going to show all of you that I really am quite the quirky (as I don't like the word weird) girl. I'm going to list some things about myself that a lot of people don't know about me. It might make me out to be borderline OCD, but it's who I am and I feel that my readers should know more about what makes me, me. So here goes:

- I count steps. I kid you not, every set of stairs I take, I count them. I can't help it. Even at home. Especially on the way down. I often walk very fast and it's helpful to know what step I'm on so that I don't miss any.

- If I'm walking on a sidewalk or on a floor with a pattern of lines or squares, I try really hard to take an even number of steps in between the lines. It's insane really, but I have always been that way. And if I step on a line with my right foot I then have to step on a line with my left foot.

- I read every sign or plaque or poster in a waiting room or doctor's office at least once while I'm in the room. And as much as doctors make me wait, I sometimes read them all more than once. Every sentence, every word, even the copyright information. I felt rushed when I was recently in the vet's office and didn't get a chance to read every missing pet posting on their bulletin board.

- My closet (as well as BJ's and the Little Guy's) is color coded. I hang all the blue shirts together, all the green shirts together and so on. I can always tell when one of them has been putting their own clothes away (which doesn't happen often) because something will be out of place. I fix it and then fight the urge to tell them that they hung it in the wrong place. It's bad, I tell ya.

- When we go to bed at night, the sheet and covers have to be straight and the sheet has to be folded down over the top edge of the blanket. BJ has learned to just let me "fix" it because if I don't, I'm not comfortable and I can't relax. He thinks it's crazy, and I'm sure it is, but it's how I am and how I've always been.

- If I fold a piece of paper, the corners have to match up perfectly or I will refold them until they do. I can't stand folded paper that is not in a perfect fold.

- All my cash has to be facing the same way in my purse. And if I get a hold of BJ's wallet, all his cash is in order and facing the same way, too. I get this from my mother. I didn't know it until I was 16 but it's something that she passed on to me. When I worked in a retail drug store for 4 years I had the best looking cash drawer in the store. :-) I had a trick to help me notice when I needed to ask the manager for more change. I would turn one $5 or $1 bill upside down and when I reached it, I knew I needed more money. BJ was looking through the Little Guy's wallet last week to see how much money he had left after a shopping spree at the video game store and said, "TeeJay has been into your's all facing the same way". I was caught. :-)

- The pillows on my bed have to be arranged a certain way or else I can't sleep well. I have a certain pillow that touches the headboard and then another pillow that leans up against that one and then the one I sleep on is placed vertically when it's bed time. When we travel, I take the sleeping pillow with me or else I can't sleep at all. When BJ gets the bed ready he doesn't usually put the pillows in the right order and then he just smiles at me when I rearrange them. There have been a few times when I woke up in the morning and realized that I didn't sleep very good and then I see the pillows out of order. I told him that I can always tell when they aren't on the bed right. What is wrong with me??

So there you have it...I'm certifiable. There are more things that I could list but I think I've done a pretty good job of letting y'all know how quirky I am.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Happiness Is...

- sunshine and heat without the humidity. I went for a walk at lunch time and didn't even break a sweat. I love the warm sunshine and I will miss it in a couple of months when it's replaced by wind chills and cold weather.

- football being back! I know it's only preseason, but I'm stoked for it anyway. My team has a new QB this year and it's still hard for me to get behind him because I've been not liking him for so many years now, but I'm going to give it a shot.

- my husband verbalizing to me that he wants me to be pregnant. My last post might have made him out to be a sort of bad guy in this. He is not, for sure. He is someone that has never had to have sex on a schedule or be told when it was TIME for sex. He doesn't do well with the pressure of performing. He wants a baby with me. He said that a long time ago, before I was ready to throw out the bcp. He knows we are going on borrowed time right now. I was unusually tired last night and he said that he wished it was because I was pregnant. It was reassuring to hear him say that. It was also reassuring to hear him tell me that we would wait another day to have sex if I tested negative last night, which I did. He also said that he wants to do it tonight no matter what. :-) Like I said, he's a 'sex by the mood' kind of guy, not a schedule kind of guy. But it makes me happy to know that he is aware of my desire to be a mother and that he actually wants it to happen, too.

- knowing that tomorrow is Friday! It's what's getting me through today.

- my dining room curtains being delivered! I can't wait to put them up. I am going to Macy's tomorrow at lunch to find a nice curtain rod. I'm hoping they have some at the downtown store. My curtains were bought online from bed bath and beyond. They are the Venice (in silver) curtains. Very simple, but I think they look pretty elegant. And I think they will look even better once I get to paint. I'm not sure what color yet as BJ has nixed the red on top, white on bottom idea that I have wanted for so long. I am thinking of having him put shadow boxes around the room and painting the inside of them a deep red. I saw it at my neighbor's house and I really liked it. I just need to figure out what color the walls should be...

- BJ promising me that we would get Frosties this weekend! We saw a commercial last night and he said he wanted one and I had to agree, so he said we would be getting some this weekend!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Another One

When it rains it pours and apparently, it's raining like crazy in my neighborhood. While we were waiting for our pizza that was in the oven, our neighbor down the hill, Rick, came to pick up his plant that we were watering while he and his wife (girlfriend, really) were on vacation for 2 weeks. While we were on the porch chatting, Steve, the neighbor right next door to us came out and everyone was talking. I came in to check on the pizza and BJ bursts into the front door to come and get something and blurts out to me...."yeah, so Kim's pregnant". WHAT?? Yes, the neighbors that I wrote about here have conceived their 3rd child. She's due on 3/17. I completely lost my appetite and started crying when BJ was safely back outside with the guys. Why my husband thinks it's ok to just blurt these things out to me 2 seconds after he hears them I will never understand. Then he thinks it's ok to joke about it by saying things like "Maybe you need to drink more of the water from around here, it's obviously in the water." The man has no sympathy tactics. He wasn't raised with any, obviously.

I can ignore the other pregnant lady on the cul de sac because I don't talk to her anyway or see her much. However, Kim and I talk and see each other frequently. This sucks. It's times like these that make me want to just quit. I don't have much time left for trying anyway, so why bother stressing myself out? Of course, I will keep trying for now, but good grief...when will it be my turn? For most of the time that BJ and I have been together and trying I haven't really had to deal with other pregnancy announcements. Now it seems like they are happening every other week around us. And of course the announcements do nothing but upset me and BJ just shrugs them off. I know it would be different if he didn't have the Little Guy. He'd be much more willing to try ANYTHING to get pregnant. And he'd be just as upset as me upon hearing these announcements.

I was just getting things back on track as far as my overall mood and then this happens. I'm completely bummed about it and now I will have a newborn right next to me next spring...when my baby(ies) should be turning a year old (from my failed IVF). Life is grand, no?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Today is CD8. I will start my opk'ing about an hour or so. I don't think I'll see a positive since it's only CD8, but I figure that it can't hurt to get an early start seeing as how I have ovulated on CD10 before. I hope not to ovulate that early this time, but there's nothing I can do about it so I'll just start peeing in the cup and dipping my stick a little early this cycle.

About a month ago, BJ and I went to his niece's birthday party. She turned 3. I love her dearly and she is just as sweet as can be. BJ's sister's husband has a pretty large family. His nieces and nephews are all grown and starting to have families of their own. They were all there at the party. His nephew's wife is pregnant...about 8 months along. This will be their 3rd child in 3 years. Somewhere down the line, I lost count of how many they had. It was funny because there was this 1 year old little boy running around and I had no idea who he belonged to. When it was explained to me, I felt defeated. I kid you not, there were 5 toddlers at this party, all around the same age, all 3 and under. Everyone was so happy to play with them and hold them and make them made me so sad. BJ and I should have a baby to add to the mix, but we don't. This was the first time in a long time that I felt like I needed to leave the room. It was so overwhelmingly claustrophobic in their basement that I thought I would have to go hide in the bathroom for a while. I didn't, of course. I just stuck close to BJ and the older kids and did my best to ignore everyone else, for my own sanity. Well, my SIL took notice. She asked me if I was ok and I told her yes, I'm fine. It's not like I can just spill my guts right there in front of everyone. Who needs the drama, the tears, the pity, the embarrassment?? Not me. Well, she sent me an e-mail last week asking again about my mood at the party. So I let it all my heart aches and breaks because I can't and probably won't have a child of my own and how I was just surrounded by happy babies and parents and a very pregnant woman. I told her that I was usually better at hiding my feelings and I guess I need to make sure that I do hide my feelings because I don't want to offend anyone. She never responded to that e-mail. I'm not sure she read it as she has been having a lot of Internet issues lately and when we were over there this passed Sunday, she didn't mention anything. I guess it's better that way but it would be nice for her to say something in response to my outpouring of emotions. Oh well....water under the bridge I guess.

I took a break while typing as I had a staff meeting to attend and took the opportunity to POAS of the opk kind. It was negative but I will test again later this afternoon. My LH surge does strange things. BJ and I did the deed last night so it would be great to get a positive either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday, if I must be early. If not early, then it would be great to get that positive Saturday! We have the Little Guy this weekend, but Saturday sex is almost a given in our house. :-)

Monday, August 16, 2010

An Unexpected Pit Stop

Why is it that weekends seem to just fly by and leave us with nothing but longing for another one? It would be a better America if I could just work Monday through Thursday. I'm just a Monday Hater so don't mind me.

BJ and I went dining room table shopping Saturday. We had one picked out for a very long time. It was a coordinating piece for our kitchen table. Remember the triangle table that we bought that was a beautiful dark, rich wood finish? Well, it had a dining table made of the same wood but it was rectangular. We loved it back then. When we finally found it on Saturday...we hated it. It's really smaller than we thought and wouldn't be a comfortable place for 6 adults. I'm so sad. Now we start the process all over again. We didn't like anything at the store we were at and then we were tired of looking and knew that we needed to hit the grocery store before going home so we bailed. We are having BJ's sister, husband, 3 kids and her husband's parents over for Thanksgiving! We need a table....NOW. It's back to the drawing board for us.

On the way home from the furniture place, we passed the cemetery where BJ's parents are buried. He's never taken me there. He swung a u-turn and we were on our way. He found their site very easily. He has only been there a few times over the years so he wasn't sure if he'd remember where they were. It's a veteran's cemetery so all the headstones pretty much match. It was sad for me to see their names on the stone. They are buried in the same plot, much like many of the other vets that are there. BJ seemed ok but I know it hurts him on the inside. It makes me sad because I know how I would feel if I had lost my parents so young. He didn't have a Norman Rockwell childhood, but they were still his parents and he loved them. I'm glad he took me there. I actually got to 'meet' his parents for the first time. He's never taken the Little Guy and I think he should. It's not a bad place, it's just a place where people rest for eternity. I think it would be a good experience for him. The Little Guy's middle name is BJ's dad's first name and it might make it more special for him to see that with his own eyes. Being there and seeing BJ's mom's name just reiterated that I would use part of her name and mesh it with my grandmother's name to make a little girl's first name. Once I hit my deadline for a baby (IF I hit that deadline) I will post the names and the stories behind those names but for now, they are my secret. It was an unexpected stop along our way but a very welcome one.

A quick Smokey update, too....I talked to the vet Saturday morning and asked if I could use the drops that we switched Gizmo to instead of the ointment and she said yes. My Smokey does not like drops in the eyes! She's a trooper and she still loves me, thank goodness. Her eyes are getting so much better, too. And she actually played a little last night. She slept on my lap for a while and it was so nice to have her there. Gizmo slept on BJ's lap at the same time and I wish there were someone there to take our picture...each with a cat in our lap. I love my kitties.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Happiness Is...

- doing a happiness is post. I have missed doing them and I need to get back in the habit. They remind me that the small things are what matter. And I'm sure it's nice for my readers too, as ya'll don't have to wonder what foul mood I'm in every day. :-)

- the Little Guy qualifying for honors classes for the 4th grade! He got straight A's on his last report card and only got 4 B's (I think) all year so he definitely deserves the upgrade. I just hope his dad and I can help him when he gets stuck on something.

- planning to get to together with friends from our old stomping grounds. We haven't seen them in months and I really miss them. And we have lots of celebrating to do because they recently won the state lottery! It's not like they can stop working, but they can relish being debt free and we couldn't be happier for them.

- my Smokey being on the mend! Her appointment went well and I have been instructed to give her the same eye ointment as Gizmo took to clear up her eyes. She ate at the office and she ate and even drank when she came home. She has no fever and the vet confirmed that her bloodwork looked good. She said that cats can carry the feline herpes virus and it can flare up under stress and cause her symptoms. Well, what could be more stressful than a pesky kitten jumping on you all day and not being able to get away from him? She laid on my lap for an hour last night and it was great to have her there. I have full confidence that she will get better and be back to her old self soon. I can't wait.

- watching my husband cuddle with Gizmo. Although it's hard to watch because I wish I could see our baby in his arms, I love watching him be sweet and tender with the kitten. He gives Gizmo kisses and talks baby talk to him and it warms my heart to see that side of him. The Little Guy was 4 when I came into their lives so I've never seen him like that. It's just too cute.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Appointment Tonight

Thank you all for your kind words, regarding my busted cycle and my poor kitty. To answer a few questions...I thought she had a hairball stuck but I figure that the radio graphs (x-rays) would have shown that. Plus, the doctor never mentioned that she thought it might be a hairball. I bought her some Pepcid and forced it down her throat. I'm a mean momma, for sure. I bought her a small can of fancy feast and she ate almost the whole thing. I was sneaky and put one of her pills in the food and she ate it. She is still hiding. She is not drinking. I called and made her an appointment for 6:00 tonight. She is still doing the "chicken neck" movement and that is the only thing making me believe that something is wrong with her. I mean, Gizmo has been around for a month and it's a little late for a behavioral issue, don't you think? I hope I get some answers. She actually growled at me this morning when I had to give her the medicine because she wouldn't finish the food I put on the plate for her. Oh yeah, and her eyes were leaking some gunk. Lovely.

Another question was whether or not I will pursue more testing. If we had the money for more treatments, I would be going after the testing like crazy. My insurance will only cover diagnostics, not treatment. And since we don't have the money I have just resolved myself to being bitter about the whole thing. I have given myself until my 35th birthday to conceive a child. If I don't, then I have to pack it in. BJ is 4 years older than me and he has already expressed his intentions to be done "soon". I would like to call off the trying in my own way and on my own terms...especially since nothing along this journey has really been my way or my terms. If it had, I would have a baby (or more) by now. I do not judge others for seeking motherhood well into their 40's. It's just not something I'm prepared to do. The Little Guy will be 10 next year and it just seems like the playmate years are gone. For me, there has to be a stopping point. It has to be realistic and I am nothing if not realistic. I know what this means for me, setting this date, and I'm slowly getting closer to accepting it. It won't be easy, but I've been through some really tough shit in my life so I know I can handle it. However, this is something I see coming, most of the other stuff was a surprise. We'll see how I do when the time comes.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support. You are great and I love reading each and every one of your comments.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


You read that right...I'm on CD2. No 2 lines. No baby. Actually, no lines at all because I didn't test, but you get the picture. Another failure. It's never ending. And it sucks donkey balls. I had a 26 day cycle which is good. Ovulating on CD10 is not so good, but whatever.

I went to see my cardiologist Monday afternoon. I'd been having chest pains. I kept this fact from BJ as he worries a lot about my health. I had a bout of chest pains about 4 years ago and it wasn't my heart. I went through all the stress testing and it was something that could be handled with Motrin. The pains this time were just like those pains. I'd ignored them for quite a while but when they started happening every day and more and more times during the day and night, I figured I should get it checked out. The pains are not debilitating and I don't lose my breath or get dizzy or anything so I was pretty sure it wasn't actually my heart. I had been under quite a bit of stress at work lately and so I was hoping it was not connected. I told BJ that I made the appointment and he was not happy that I didn't tell him what was going on but he was glad that I made the appointment so quickly.

My heart is fine. Other than the monthly aching when my period shows up. I have a viral inflammation around the outside of my heart. I have to take Indomethacin for a while and go back in a month to see how things look. I had an EKG and an echo done. While the doctor was doing the echo he was making me nervous because it took a long time. I guess he was just doing a good job of investigating. Then came the kids question.

I had seen him 4 years ago and he knew I had no children. So he asked me if I'd had any yet. I said my usual answer these days, "no, we tried and it didn't work, so no kids for us." He was very intrigued so he asked more questions. I told him about our IVF and the length of time I had been trying (with both husbands) and how I felt I was never tested enough and that I was thrown in with the rest of the crowd because they just tried to fix me instead of figure out the problem. I was almost in tears talking to him. He finally was quiet and then said this..."well, you never could get a very big surprise one day." Really? That's your solution? I humored him and agreed that yes, sometimes it happens and blah blah blah. And then he said that he's seen it happen. Ok well, I only have until May of 2011 to get this done so maybe HIM saying it will make it happen. Please note the sarcasm in my tone.

On to other things. My Smokey is sick. She's my older cat. I don't know what is wrong with her. I took her to the emergency vet Monday night and they found nothing. She won't eat her food. She won't drink. She just lays and wants to hide in corners or under furniture. She hacks likes she wants to throw up but nothing is coming out. I got her to eat some chicken last night but then after a few bites she just spat it out. She walks really slowly and doesn't even hardly defend herself when Gizmo runs up on her play. The doctor said that she had a bit of gas built up in her intestines and to give her Pepcid for it over the next few days. I have given her 2 doses so far and it's not easy. I tried to force some water in her with a syringe but that didn't work great, either. I'm really worried about her and I hope that I see an improvement this evening. She won't even come out and greet me. It's very sad. BJ even feels bad for her. Since I don't know how mobile she has been, and the last thing I need is for her to use my carpet as her litter box, I took her down to her "toilet" this morning. She peed and then she pooped one lonely little turd. It wasn't runny and it didn't have any blood in it. I'm at a loss. If not for her hacking and gagging I would believe the doctor. If she's not any better tomorrow morning I'm going to take her to the vet, not the Emergency one. I can't stand seeing her like this. And I miss my Smokey.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Long Story, Short

Ok, so I don't think I've ever told a long story in a short manner but that is usually my intent. I will do my best here.

Work has been completely insane this week. I had that conference to prep for and it took place Tuesday morning. I had to get up at 4:45am to make it downtown in time to get what I needed and head over to the convention center for an arrival time of 7:00am. Long day to say the least. It went well and everyone was pleased with the work we did. Our executive council meeting was set to start Wednesday. It's a 2-day meeting and the days are broken down by topic. My boss wanted to hand out materials for her portion on Thursday morning. No big deal...she told me that I would be making 60 packets. I can handle that. I come in Wednesday fully prepared for the task at hand. Everything comes to a screeching halt when I find out that I actually have to make 125 packets! Holy sh!t! That changes things...big time. Plus, 2 documents have to be in color. Which means making a last minute request to our printing department (which they love by the way) to get these copies made for me. The materials changed, and I kid you not, at least 5 times during the day. So I come to the realization that I will be staying late to get them done. Which I do. However, the packets have not been approved by our president yet. There could be changes. The meeting starts at 9:00am on Thursday and if I have to make changes to 125 packets then I will, again, have to come in super early. So I do. I get up at 5:15am yesterday and drag my ass in here only to find out that everything is fine. Which is good. However I still have to get them over to the meeting place. Everything went fine and I'm so glad it's over. These couple of days of pandemonium and long days have really taken a toll on me. Not to mention that I drove in yesterday to save some time and because we had some really wicked storms in the afternoon I sat in traffic for an hour longer than I should have. It took me over 2 hours to get home. I am spent.

Today will be a catching up day from everything that has been piling up on my desk this week. And that is fine with me.

In cycle news...I'm on CD23, 13DPO. My boobs are hurting, and I'm constantly checking them. I'm on the look out for any spotting. Since I have been feeling pms-y for about a week now, I can't judge my moods. I'm not temping so I don't have that bit of info either. All I have is sore boobs. I'll take it. That means that my body is doing what it should right now.

I haven't been a very good commenter lately and I apologize for that. I've been feeling pretty stressed at work and they limit what I can do on here so it's hard to comment as much as I want to. I plan to get better. But I also plan to get pregnant. :-) Just kidding, I will get better. Rest assured though, I am reading and following along with all of you. Those are the times of my day that I enjoy...when I can read a blog entry or two and find out how all of you are doing.

No plans for the weekend, really. We have the Little Guy but he'll be with his mom tomorrow afternoon and evening for a b-day party...for her 40-year-old friend. Don't ask me why he needs to be there for that but whatever. I'll be cleaning house for sure. Having 2 cats has multiplied our need to vacuum and dust more regularly. I actually have some house news and some good Gizmo stories but they will have to wait. This is entirely too long and pretty boring already.

Oh what the hell....we found some shades that we really like for the kitchen bump out sidelights and for our bathroom. Mind you, BJ put blinds up in our bathroom just a few days after we moved in. I hate them. They are so plain and white and just feel cold to me. We found some at Lowe's that I think will be wonderful! We haven't ordered them yet as they are very expensive to say the least. We are waiting for my bonus check to come in (next Friday!) before we spend that kind of money. The kitchen ones are just white but they are the top down/bottom up kind. That way we can put the top down to let in the light but or neighbors won't be able to see us through the bottom! Clarification....this will help broaden our horizons to where we can have "fun" time! The bathroom shades are called day and night. The top half (that can come all the way down) are brown with a design on the fabric and then the bottom half (that can go all the way up) are an off white linen type of material. My plan is to pull the brown part about 1/3 of the way down the window to give the area some color (the bathroom colors are blue and chocolate brown) and then leave the off white part down to let the light in (or raise them if I want to see out). They are extra expensive because we had to have them custom sized and they charge extra for cordless, which we got for the kitchen windows. The back door is a glass door and I recently got one of those curtains that just covers the glass and bunches in the middle so I think everything will match well. And I know I still owe you pictures of my finished kitchen. If BJ would ever put the handles on and put the shoe molding back, I could take pictures. I refuse to do so until it's completely done. So you will just have to suffer without seeing it done the same way I am. :-)

Anyway, sorry for the long post...see, I might be wordy but I'm not an exaggerator. I warned you that I can't tell a long story, short. Have a great weekend everyone!