Friday, January 29, 2010

100 Posts Already??

I missed this yesterday....I apparently posted my 100th post yesterday. Wow, didn't realize I had done that many. I guess I blabber more than I thought. :-) I am so thankful that I have found this outlet, this diary, this community. It helps so much to get my thoughts and feelings and rants down on "paper". And the best part is that I know there are people out there that are supportive of me, even on my worst days. There's always advice and hugs and even some laughs, that await me when I log in to see comments. Thank you, Readers and Followers, you make it better.

Now for my original post idea for today:
We are very slowly putting together each room in our house. My parents want to see pictures of us actually "living" in the new place. Empty rooms are nice, but they want the real deal. And since I have become such a neat freak I refuse to take any pictures until the room is just the way I want it. That's why none of you have seen any pictures either. The hall bath (Little Guy's bathroom) is the only room of the house that is done. All the other rooms are coming along nicely, but I don't want anyone to see them yet. I don't know what has happened to me since moving into this house but my tastes have not only changed but I'm not even sure what my tastes are anymore. I used to just throw things together in a room and if a couple things happened to match or coordinate I was happy. Not so much anymore. I want everything to match and coordinate and compliment and "pop" and all those other words I have learned from watching HGTV. This is why it's taking me so long to put my house together. That and I am out of the house for 12 hours a day during the week with little to no time by myself on the weekends to shop for these things. I spent an hour and 20 minutes in a store over the holiday break looking for a shower curtain for our bathroom and ended up leaving with new silverware. It has become a real problem that I can't find what I want...and that has something to do with the fact that I don't KNOW what I want. And even more to do with the fact that I have never decorated anything like this because I'm a tomboy and I don't really have "taste" or an eye for things like this. Whew...glad I got that off my chest.

The kitchen has dark cabinets as seen here with black appliances. I have decided to make the accent color red. I love red all of a sudden. The kitchen table is also a dark color, but more brown than the sedona in the kitchen cabinets. The living room is a big issue right now. The carpet is beige (which I don't like but had to go with because it was the most neutral) and the paint is a bone white. The paint looks like an actual color because of the bright white trim. Our new furniture (that I love) is chocolate brown. the only real color in the room is the pillows that came with the love seats. They are multi-colored and patterned with some geometric shapes and what not. I'm trying to find curtains for our big window. Mainly to add some color and character but also to help keep the cold air out. I want the curtains to only cover the very edges of the windows because I love looking out and I love the natural light. I found some striped (yes, I can't believe I liked them as I'm not usually much on stripes) curtains that had all the colors of the pillows. I was so excited. I bought them and hung them up on a great new curtain rod. They made the room feel so comfy and cozy. BJ even liked them and he doesn't like stripes either. The problem you may ask? They are 84 inches and we really need 96 inches so they graze the floor. We have 9 foot ceilings and 6 foot windows on the first floor. I thought of pulling them back around one of those really nice hook things and that helped. However, they really need to hang to the floor. So it was off to Target and Lowes. Everything at Target was 84 inches. All but one style at Lowes was 84 inches. The ones that were 96 inches were ok and I thought I'd try them. They only came in 4 colors. I picked the one that matched the pillows the best and hung them up. They blend too much with the wall paint. Not enough punch or pizazz. They are the perfect length, though. Total disappointment. They have to go back. BJ and I searched the Internet for almost an hour and couldn't find any pre-made 96 inch curtains that even came close to being as perfect as the original ones. They Lowes curtains are going back tomorrow and at $45 a piece I'm ok with that. I just don't know what to do. I'm not crafty, so making my own is a joke. Back to the drawing board.

Isn't it nice that I'm focusing on curtains when there are some really awful things going on the world right now? I feel very selfish for worrying about such a trivial item in these times. However, the curtains are important to me and as much as I love looking at that window, I need to find a solution. I actually have pictures to hang in the room and a couple of ideas of things to hang in the kitchen eating area so the sooner we get this curtain thing worked out, the sooner I can feel like I live at my house. I'm sure you all just love reading about my house woes when you are trying to live your lives and are facing much more prominent issues. In full disclosure, I am more than aware how lucky I am to even have windows. This blog is about my life and right now, unfortunately, I'm focused on me and my windows.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I Did It

I took the first step. Now I sit here and wait for the phone to ring and hope that it does. I called the OB/GYN that I had a consult with in October and left a message with his office that I'd like to talk to him about my case. I'm going to ask him what he thinks of prescribing me 50mg of Clomid for a month or 2. I'm nervous as hell because I've never been this proactive. I've never outright asked for something without a doctor first recommending it to me. I hope he calls me back because the receptionist/nurse said that he can be "inconsistent" with phone calls. We'll see.

It's CD1 and I wanted to do something special for myself. So I'm giving myself some hope. I know the realities of it and that the Clomid probably won't do anything for me other than make me ovulate (which I do on my own anyway) but it will make me feel less helpless, like I'm actually DOING something to get knocked up. Hell, maybe it will make me ovulate on a more regular day like CD13 or even *gasp* CD14.

Please call me back, doctor.

Got My Wish...Well, Not Really

She showed up last night about 8:00 or so. She's here. How I wish she weren't. I don't think I've ever gone that long after ovulation before my period started. Plus, my temp was still above the cover line yesterday morning...just barely, but it was still up. This morning of course it's back down to it's usual 97.7 range. I took some motrin this morning to help with cramps and my new symptom...leg pains. It took me about 6 or 8 months to realize that my knees and hips start to ache really bad when AF shows up or is a day away. I usually just attributed it to cold weather, standing or walking too much, things like that. But the last 3 cycles I have actually paid attention and now I know. She has found a new way to cause me pain. Dumb, mean bitch that she is. I'm bummed and so is BJ. He had the same thought I had the other day...wasn't I just on my period? And to top it off, remember the ex sil that is a baby making machine? Well, she's back up on FB. And of course I read through her whole page and everyone was congratulating her on baby number 8. Apparently her husband now has a job. She's about 18 weeks along so she'll be getting the gender scan soon. I was so down in the dumps after reading all of those posts yesterday. If I could just have a tenth of her fertility...

I guess I need to put the blahs behind me and focus on the one good thing of AF showing up. I had a 26 day cycle. Maybe this is the beginning of good things for me. Maybe this means that my body will be a little more predictable. I have to hang onto to something or I will just sit here and wallow and sink into utter sadness. That's not what I want to do and it doesn't accomplish anything good. I will take this as yet another learning experience along the way. As if 9 years of learning experiences wasn't enough.

BJ and I decided not to go to Atlantic City. We will be making our first mortgage payment today and thought that it wouldn't be a good idea (even though the room is free) to be going to a casino right now. We are trying to find something fun to do for Valentine's Day, though. It's not a holiday that we normally "do" anything for. I usually get a nice card and maybe some yummy chocolates, but we don't make a big deal out of it. The main reason is because his dad died on V-day so it's not a day he likes to "celebrate". I totally understand that. But at the same time, he understands that it's sweethearts day and he still thinks of me so that makes me appreciate the little things he does even more. I still have not found the time to sit down and create his paper album of pictures yet. I'm going to have to close myself in the room this weekend for maybe an hour each day to work on it.

My SIL is still in the hospital. She's not getting worse, but she isn't getting any better either. They have maxed out on her steroids and her breathing treatments. And yesterday, her respiratory nurse suggested she request to see a pulmonologist. I didn't know she wasn't being treated by one of those. It's pretty bad when your nurse thinks you need additional help that your doctor hasn't mentioned. This hospital does not have a great reputation for the best of care. I tried to call her a few minutes ago and she was getting another chest x-ray so I don't know if the new doctor has been in yet to see her. I'm a little worried now. I was ok once I visited her the first time as I thought she looked good and seemed like she wasn't getting worse. But now that a new doctor has been called in makes me wonder what he will find with her lungs. It's very scary. I'm going to think positive thoughts until I know anything for sure. It would mean a lot to me if you would do the same.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Are You There AF? It's Me, TeeJay

To whom it may concern (AF):

I know you are coming to visit me soon. I saw the 3 spots on Monday. I am sleepy, snippy, a tad over-emotional and definitely bloated. After BJ and I did the deed Monday night, I saw more of you and actually expected you to arrive on Tuesday. Why have I not seen any signs of you since?

Could this be the beginning of my cycle getting back to normal? If you wait until tomorrow to show up, I will have had a 26 day cycle. However, I am 16DPO right now. I don't usually have a leutal phase this long. I ovulated on CD10 for crying out loud. Last cycle I ovulated pretty early too and ended up with a 23 day cycle...not ideal.

But then you know all of this because you like to mess with me, don't you? You like to make me think that maybe, just maybe we got lucky this month. And even though you are giving me my usual PMS symptoms, you are also trying to make me have hope by not showing up. Why do you do this? Once the spotting starts, it doesn't usually stop all together. What are you up to in there?

If there's no baby, please show yourself. This waiting and wondering is not easy on a girl...especially an infertile like me. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of spending my money on a pee stick and then using it and wiping and seeing your ugly face so you might as well get over yourself and just SHOW UP ALREADY.

And if you are going to revert back to a more regular pattern, I actually thank you for that. I could use a little more predictability from you. We have been together for a long time and I would hate to see this relationship go any more down the tubes than it already has over my TTC years.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.


PS....please, please, please stay away for 9 months. I'd rather NOT see you show up.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Hectic Weekend

Hello everyone! I need to make a quick rundown of my weekend because there was a lot going on. And when I say "quick" I really do mean it, even though this will probably end up being a long post. I have good intentions, really I do. I just like to blabber and I get wordy and see? Here I go.

The plan for Saturday was basketball game in the AM then head over to Target for curtains, bedspreads and towels. Then to Lowes for a slew of things...bathroom lights (we HATE ours), hardware for the kitchen cabinets, slats for the bunk beds, curtains (if none at Target) and a few more things. Then we were going to finish putting the beds together and chill at home. Well, that's not what happened.

I found out on my way home Friday that BJ's sister was in the hospital. She has been sick on and off for about 2 weeks with bronchitis and other "cold" related issues. She has asthma so this tends to make things worse for her. She finally went to the doctor Friday and they admitted her almost immediately. She's only 38 years old and generally healthy. Her pulse/ox was down in the low 80's and she could barely talk without losing her breath and coughing. She has some "junk" (doctor word) in her lungs that they wanted her to get up. She has 3 kids (8, 6, and 2) and a husband. And luckily, this husband has retired, healthy, loving parents. They asked us if we could keep the oldest boy Saturday night to help out. Well, of course. So that meant changing our Saturday plans a bit. We did our shopping (more on the curtain debate in another post) very quickly and didn't get 1/2 of what we needed/wanted because we had to rush to get back home to be there when the grandparents dropped the nephew off after his basketball game. The beds didn't get put together. The boys slept on the mattresses just on the floor. BJ wanted to go see his sister and I stayed with the boys. He picked up a pizza on his way home and I scarfed down a few slices and then I took off for the hospital. When I got home we dressed the beds in the new comforters and sheets and made the boys lay down as it was after 10:00. Then BJ and I hit the sack. We were beat.

Sunday morning came way too early as the nephew is not a late sleeper like the Little Guy. But we got up and the boys played and we got ready to go. We went to lunch and then dropped the Little Guy off with his mother, took the nephew home, went to the hospital to visit the SIL and then went home and watched some football. Decided we didn't want anything in the house for dinner so we went out to eat and then to the store...again looking for curtains and a lamp. We finally got home at 9:00, just in time for the 4th quarter of the football game. Watched that and then went to bed.

It was a busy, stressful weekend. Everyone was so worried about the SIL. The doctors still aren't quite sure what she has going on. She has been improving very slowly over the weekend and she just sent me an e-mail saying her oxygen is up to 96 which is very good news. She had some x-rays done this morning and they will wait to see how everything looks before they will let her know if she can go home or not. The staff is leaning towards another night in the hospital. I know it's killing her to be there and away from her kids. She was put on this earth to be a wife and mother and for her to be stuck in the bed is torture. She volunteers 2 days a week at the boys' school and takes her daughter to story-time once a week and is just always on the go.

We have been after them for a long time to get the house checked for mold. They get colds and infections way too much for a normal family. The house is 30 years old and you just never know. The BIL's mother told me that her son was never sick until the last couple of years and he's had pneumonia 2 or 3 times. That's something to worry about. So I think they are actually going to look into it now.

So that was my weekend. And on the TTC front since this IS an infertility temps have stayed up and I'm 14dpo today. I think I saw the beginnings of spotting a little while ago. I'm a little snippy and a lot tired so I think the damn monthly visitor that we all know and hate will be showing up in the next day or so. I can't wait. Insert sarcastic tone here.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I can't believe it's that time again! That's a phrase I use when my period is about to start. "Wasn't I just ON my period?" I ask myself. The time really flies sometimes.

So a little about me...I'm 33 and I live in the NE region of the US. I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step-son that is 8. He's with us about 50% of the time. I have been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and married to my first husband. I suffer from unexplained infertility. It's very frustrating to say the least. My first husband and I did not seek any medical help as I have no coverage for the procedures. I still don't have coverage but we managed to save money (via tax refunds, over-time, paid out comp days and a little help from my parents)for 2 IUI's and an IVF. Obviously I failed at all 3 of them. I recently spoke to a new doctor that believes that I suffer from DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) as evident from my poor response during my IVF cycle. I had 5 follies, 4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilize normally and 1 abnormally. I transferred 2 beautiful grade 1 embryos in July and came up empty handed. It was our last best hope.

We are trying naturally again...temping, peeing on opk' know, all the stuff you do when you first start out trying before you think there may be a problem. We've had no luck. I've never seen 2 lines. I'm not sure that I ever will. But for now, I'm trying. The doctor that I saw in October knows another doctor (not with my clinic) that would do an IVF for quite a bit cheaper than my clinic. I'm going to try and get that accomplished by the end of the year. It won't be easy to save that kind of money since we just bought a new house, but I have to try.

I'm in the 2ww right now, actually. My cycles have been a bit wiggy since my IVF. I used to have perfect cycles with at least 3 days of EWCM. Not so much anymore. It's pretty sad how things have changed for me. But still we move forward.

My blog is about my TTC efforts but it's also about my new house and how that has affected my life. I also write about my step-son from time to time and may start doing it more because it's really hard to be a step-mom. I write about my family and my feelings. Some days are good and some days are not so good. But I do try to stay positive as much as I can because I think it's healthier. But you know what? Sometimes it's too damned hard to be positive, so I just be ME.

Thank you for stopping by, it's always nice to know someone is out there reading along!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Good Thing?

BJ and I went out to a local bar/restaurant that we stumbled upon a few months ago this passed Saturday night. The first time we went there he found out that the parents of a childhood friend actually own the joint. It's close to home and small and cozy but still fun, just the way we like it. We go once every 10 days to 2 weeks, on weekends when we don't have the the Little Guy and maybe once during the week when we don't know what to have for dinner. They have great mini-burgers there and cream of crab soup! Yum-o! Anyway...we were there Saturday night watching football and BJ was getting his drink on and I even had a tiny bit myself. Please don't judge me as I know I am in the 2ww but after 9+ years, I know the reality of my situation so I'm not afraid to have a drink or 2 during this time. I always feel guilty about it but I also feel bad about giving things up for so many years of my life when there wasn't really a need to. I don't get drunk and if there was a fertilized egg in me, it wasn't even implanted yet as I was only 5DPO. I know it's a no-no, but I wanted to relax a little. I digress...

As we were sitting there looking around at the crowd, we noticed that most of the patrons are younger than us. BJ pointed out to me what a young crowd it was. There were a few people our age or older, but not many. So I had to fill him in on the secret...most people our age have at least one, if not more, kids at home and they don't go out to bars much. If he and his ex were still together, he wouldn't be at a bar on a Saturday night, either. And I said, "the only good thing, if you can call it that, about our situation is that we get to go out when we want." And he looked at me and said, "that's not a good thing". And I had to agree. I'm glad he sees it that way. I told him I'd much rather be at home watching a sleeping baby on our big new ottoman. And then I said, "well really, I should be 6 1/2 months pregnant right now, so I'd be home on the couch with a big belly and probably fall asleep around 9:00." He agreed.

Freedom is one thing and parenthood is another. I've had enough freedom. I want to be home with my baby (or my big belly) instead of out at a bar. I'd like to put the baby to bed and have a beer instead of sitting in a noisy bar watching people get drunk off their asses as the younger crowd tend to do. Maybe one day I'll get to know what it's like to tell our older friends that don't have little kids at home, "we can only go out if we can find a babysitter", or "we have to be home by 10:00 so we can take the sitter home".

Freedom sucks.

Lemons and Lemonade

Thank you to all of you for your kind comments on my post with my pictures. I was very nervous about posting them because faces are much more recognizable than names. But the cat is out of the bag now, so there's no going back. :-) And you all are very sweet, by the way. And to address some of the comments:
I have very dark blond hair that I highlight. It's not brown, it's just a very mousy-dishwater color that I hate because it's not dark enough to be brown but yet it always looks dirty. Blech. Thank goodness for highlights! My hair used to be this color naturally until my early 20's when it started darkening up.
I also have a strange wave/kink to my hair. It used to be straight as a bone but the older I get, the wavier it gets...and it's not a good wave either. It's usually out of whack if I let it dry naturally. So I blow dry it straight and then add my own softer curls to it. Such a hassle, this hair!
I received the Making Lemonade from Lemons award from A over at Remember All The Way. She is very strong in her faith and reminds me all the time that I don't know God's plan but that He does have one and I should be more open to letting Him show it to me. Here are the rules for the award:

- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.

- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude. - I'm breaking the rule on this one, sorry. :-)

- Link the nominees within your post.

- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I would like to nominate the following blogs in no particular order:
Babies everywhere but none that call me mama - She has such a sweet heart and a gentle nature that no matter how bad things might seem at the time, she really deals well with it.
999 reasons to laugh at infertility - I think the name says it all. When we are at our lowest, she makes us laugh.
We got hitched...- She has been through so much and has always just forged ahead that she truly did make lemonade out of her (possible 3!!) lemons.
Sprogblogger - Another example of someone unwilling and unable to give up on the dream of motherhood.
Peanut Noodle - I must of my most favorite blogs. Another one down in the trenches doing whatever it takes to make it to the finish line and enjoy a big gulp of lemonade!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Few Pics

So, as I said the other day, I'm going to post a few pictures of BJ and myself. It's a way of coming out of hiding. I'm not going to post any pictures of the Little Guy because I'm not comfortable with that. Here I am...with my beloved husband...They are out of order because they didn't import properly and I didn't feel like rearranging everything. So now you can put a face to our story.

This is New Year's Eve 2009.
This is at the pumpkin patch in October 2009.

This is the same day at the County Fair in October 2009.
This is at my SIL Holiday Party in December 2008.

This is 2 days before our wedding in May of 2007.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I Fell for the Fish

So in an attempt to lose some of this TTC weight/flab that I have acquired over the last year, I have decided to strengthen my will power. I'm actually pretty good at saying "no" to foods I like. I have a very healthy appetite to say the least. BJ jokes with me and says things like "you have a 300 pound woman living inside you" and "where do you put all that food?". It's true, if you were to see me eat dinner you would think I should weigh 300 pounds. I eat pretty sparingly for breakfast and lunch so I'm starving by the time dinner rolls around. I was raised that you clean your plate and since BJ sometimes puts my food on my plate, I feel obligated to eat it. Strange, I know, but true. Plus, I hate throwing left overs away. If there's a few more bits of something, I'll eat it instead of wasting it.

I used to be chunky a while back. I don't like the word "fat" so I use "chunky". I carry most of my weight between my belly button and my knees. I'm built just like my mother. I have petite arms and wrists and and ankles. Some of my weight shows up in my round face...that I get from my dad. I'm 5'2" so every little pound and inch really makes a difference. I was 145 pounds when I went on WW. It took me 6 months, but I lost 35 pounds. I kept it off really well, too, until I hooked up with BJ. Within 4 months I gained 10 of it back. I pretty much stayed there for quite a while...until a year ago when I started treatments. I basically quit exercising and gave in to temptation all over the place. I don't know exactly how much I weigh right now as I don't own a scale (thank goodness) but I know it's more than I want to. I also am a bit flabby in places that weren't so flabby before.

I started doing pilates again last week. I did them 3 times and then this week I have done them 4 times. We have a very small fitness center at work and I go at lunch. I have asked BJ to get me on his membership at the gym so we can start doing cardio 2 or 3 nights a week. I'm still waiting for that to happen. The pilates that I do is a 20 minute workout and it's meant for toning and lengthening muscles. It works as long as I restrict my daytime diet and don't snack at night. Plus, it makes me feel good to be that stretched out and even makes me a little more (ahem) limber.

That brings me to the fish. Our cafeteria has a pretty set menu...Monday - bbq rib day (more like a McRib but I've never had one), Tuesday - turkey burger, Wednesday - hamburger, Thursday - chicken patty, Friday - fried fish tenders. I brought my lunch today...something that I like and that is only 5 points on the WW scale. As I was working out I kept having an argument with myself about what to eat for lunch. I love the fish with french fries. I haven't had it in ages. But I have my perfectly good lunch that I will not feel guilty about eating. I'm sure I will eat a lot of calories this weekend (as I usually do) so I don't need them now. But the fish is so yummy and would really fill me up...the lunch I brought will leave me wanting more. You get one guess as to what I ended up doing.

I purposefully took only the money I needed for a diet soda with me to the gym. So after I fell for the fish option, I had to come back to my desk and get more money to go and get the fish. Unbelievable. I think I need a scale in my house to help me with this but I'm afraid to see what it says. I know that I have at least 5 pounds to lose. I'm sure it will really be closer to 10 once I get on a scale though. Lovely.

On the bright side...since I'm only 4DPO I can't play the "hey, I'm craving fish so I MUST be pregnant" game. If by some miracle it did happen, the little guy/gal wouldn't even be nestled in yet. So I am spared that agony of wonderment. However, I just get to wallow with the fact that my will power needs a power boost.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Traveling Eggs

I'm sitting here wondering if I have a fertilized egg making its way through my fallopian tubes to a final nesting spot in my uterus. It's something we all wonder, each month as we cycle. It's amazing to me that in July I DID have 2 fertilized eggs making their way to my ever waiting and wanting uterus. I wonder all the time what happened to them between day 3 and day(s) 6/7 when they should have been implanting. The only thing that I can come up with is that I have bad eggs. Or at least not good eggs. After all, one of my eggs let 2 sperm in that is usually a pretty good indicator that something was wrong. Never the less, the 2 good embies that I had didn't stick around for more than a couple of days after transfer.

If only my eggs had Velcro on the outside of them to help them stick. Remember when we were told (at least I was) that we needed to eat some food that would stick to your ribs? What exactly does that mean? Doesn't our food go into our stomach? What if we've been going about this the wrong way all along? What if my Grandmother knew something that I didn't about where in our bodies things stick? What exactly would let food stick to my ribs? Whatever it is, I'd like to get some for my eggs. Maybe THEN they would stick to my uterus. Provided of course that they fertilize. That might be a harder task than sticking these days.

But on the other hand, maybe she meant stick as in weight gained. That wouldn't be so preferable. I already have that one figured out. Heck, that was the easy part. All the meds and injections and just not caring because "hey I'm getting knocked up anyway so I might as well eat like I'm already pregnant" on top of the "hey, I can't do any real exercising because I'm growing eggs, getting ready for retrieval, recovering from retrieval, hosting 2 beautiful embies, depressed about my failed IVF" eating that I did. So Grandma, if you meant that my food would stick to my ribs by way of gaining weight, you weren't really on to anything profound. However, if you know something I don't about how to get things to stick, then please send me a message from Heaven and let me in on the secret. Me and my infertile friends would really appreciate it.

PS - I'm loving my new background. Purple is my favorite color and this is a perfect way (for now) to see it from day to day.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Somebody Stop Me....Please!

I don't know why I do this to myself. I should know better. I need to stay off of my favorite iVillage message board. Every time I go there, I get upset. In my heart of hearts I'm so happy for the newly reported BFP's. The women on that board know what it's like to suffer and hurt and they deserve every bit of happiness that they get. It just hurts to know that they are moving on and I'm not. It's also tough to read about births of babies. I love the stories, don't get me wrong. It's tough because it reminds me of how long it has been since I started this journey, joined that board, began medical intervention and failed my IVF. I'm being left in the dust by the long-timers. It's great that they are moving on (fingers crossed that everything goes well for them) but it sucks to still be here...infertile with no signs of ever being able to "graduate". I know I'm supposed to be hopeful and full of positive thoughts, but you know what? I'm a realist and as much as I want to stay positive that I WILL be a mother, the reality is that it probably won't happen. There's no money (at least right now and I don't know how I will be able to save that much in the near future) for any more IVF's or even adoption. And after 9 years of trying I have no reason reason to believe that it will JUST happen on its own. I will keep trying and I will keep obsessing over my charts and my CM and checking the toilet paper with a magnifying glass...just in case I get my miracle.

My temp spiked way up high today....98.5! I didn't sleep very well last night and I kept waking up so I don't know how accurate that is. I usually get the spike 2 mornings after ovulation so that works out to be normal. It's just not usually that much of a spike. The only thing is that my temp yesterday was the same as the previous morning so FF will probably put ovulation as yesterday. I will adjust it accordingly if that is the case. I love it that I can manipulate the software like that.

I really need to change my blog background. I'm bored with this one already. I don't actually see it much, but when I do, I'm not in love with it. I want to feel like my background reflects a little of my personality...I don't actually know what that might be, but when I see it, I'll know it.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Now the Waiting Begins

We actually had "relations" last night, can you believe it? And don't you just love how we IF girls spew the most private of details out where everyone can read about it? So now we wait. And since I ovulated on CD10 I have a bit longer than 2 weeks. I'm going to try and stay positive that we weren't too late or too early and maybe the power of positive thinking will get me somewhere. You know, like off this seemingly never ending road of disappointment and failure.

This morning it was twice as warm outside as yesterday morning. However, it was still only 30 degrees. I'm so done with Winter and cold weather. I'm a warm weather kind of girl, for sure. Living in Southern California for 4 years when I was a kid spoiled me to no end. We actually got some flurries last night that coated the grass and driveway. I'm over the snow. There are still piles of it all up and down the road and in parking just won't melt. And it's only early January. Yay.

We have been invited to join our friends (one of which will be celebrating his 50th b-day) in Atlantic City later this month. I need to check to see if we can get a comp room because if we can't, then we aren't going. We had fun with them the last time we went...last if we go, I'm sure it will be a good time. Of course, this all makes me think about the last time we went to A.C. and I was stimming and getting ready for ER. Seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday. I guess the emotions are still pretty raw from all of that. That was our last get away that the 2 of us took so we are due for one. We usually go away in September but we were saving for the house so we didn't go anywhere. It's time.

I don't want to use our real names on this blog but I highly doubt that anyone IRL reads it. If they did, I'm sure they would know who we are by what I write, anyway. I'm going to post some pictures of us pretty soon. And I think I might post some pictures of my scrapbooking work. I'm going to make what's called a Paper Album for BJ for Valentine's Day. It's a small paper album (as the name suggests) that has 12 or 16 pages in it. And it comes with paper and stickers for you to do with as you see fit. It's like a greeting card but it's full of pictures. He has framed photos on his desk of us and the Little Guy that are 3 years old. They were professionally taken pictures so they are nice...but they are old. And the people in his office recently said that they are tired of looking at them. :-) So I'm going to select and print some of my favorite group and couple shots of us for this paper album and he can set it on his desk and people can just come by and flip through it. Or he can stand it up and sort of fan it out to let folks see inside. I figure it's better than buying a store bought card and what do you get a guy for Valentine's Day? So that being said, I will have the pictures on a flash drive here at work so I may as well post them, right? I need to get cracking because the best day for me to work on this is MLK, Jr. day and I need to get the pictures printed soon! That way you guys can put a face to the blog.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Still Surging

So my last post indicated another pregnancy announcement that I didn't want to hear. It hit me pretty hard. Harder than I thought and I was surprised by that. I actually cried at my desk and I haven't done that in a pretty long time. It's still upsetting to me but of course I have to pull myself together and stop asking "why NOT me?" and "what did I do wrong?" and "am I not a good enough person?" and other pointless questions like that. It gets me nowhere but in an emotional mess and I don't like being there. Still, it hurts. But I surge on...

The scrapbooking retreat was fun. I completed 42 pages! That's basically one full album of pages. I took a break Saturday for the Little Guy's basketball game and to have dinner with my guys and then I left at 12:00 I could have gotten more accomplished, but I'm pretty happy with that. A woman that was probably in her mid 40's was sitting across from me. We chatted here and there and I tried to help her with her computer a little bit. She noticed some of my pictures and asked me about my family. I told her that my husband was home with his son and she said, "oh, you don't have any children of your own?" Her kids are grown. I shook my head and said "no". She paused for a moment and then said, "smart woman". I didn't know what to say to her. I'm wondering if she could see the big "I'M INFERTILE" stamp on my forehead and was trying to make me feel better. Otherwise, why would someone say that? That was probably the worst "kid" moment that happened over the weekend so that's not so bad I guess. I just kept on surging forward with my work.

Speaking of being an IF, as I predicted, BJ and I did the deed Saturday night. And of course, I had tested negative on my opk's. Wouldn't you know that I detected my LH surge last night and I can feel that I'm ovulating this morning? I didn't even try to get anything from him last night because I knew he'd catch on and then he'd bring it up and ruin the moment and stress himself out and we all know how that goes. I was hoping that since I didn't get the surge until my second test of the day (around 7:30/8:00) that I'd be lucky enough to make it through until tonight when I could try and turn the charm on. Not so much. I detect that surge and within 12-15 hours start feeling the pains in my ovary. My question to you ladies is this...Do you think the pain is from the egg coming out? Or do you think it's the ovary getting ready to release the egg? I'm asking because it usually hurts for several hours and I know that a mature egg only lives for a certain amount of time and that swimmers take a while to get up to where they need to be. I tested again at about 10:15 or so and I got a positive right away, so I'm still surging while having the ovary pain. I would like to know (from anyone's experience) if you think it would still be worth a shot to get some BD'ing in tonight...after 9:00pm? And I mean a REAL shot, like scientifically possible that the swimmers would make it to the egg. I had some EWCM twice on Saturday and that was pretty exciting so I'm hoping that the swimmers that are up there had a nice home to live in until today....when hopefully they will meet the egg that will become my bean. A girl can dream, can't she? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. You ladies are the best!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Good News all Around

As I was reading blog entries this morning I was overcome by happiness for 2 of my fellow bloggers...Eileen and Sprogblogger. They both got a BFP today! Hop on over and congratulate them. They have both been through the wringer the past couple of years and it's about time they had some true happiness. Eileen has undergone an IVF with a new clinic and Sprogblogger just went through a DE cycle. I'm hoping that both of them finally have their sticky beans this time! Yay for both of them being POAS addicts so that we can find out as early as we can!

The other bit of good news is that I really like my love seats. I will take a picture when the ottoman comes in and post it. I promised pictures of the new house and I've decided to take it room by room as we get each room set up. As my step-mom put it, it's nice to see empty room pictures, but it's better when it looks like you live there. I have to step into complaining mode a little bit, though. BJ isn't sure he likes the furniture now. It doesn't seem to be as supportive of his back as he's used to. Great. So I need to call the furniture store and check on their return policy just in case he changes his mind. I don't want him to keep it just because I like it. I know him and it will not be fun in our house if he's uncomfortable. So it may be back to the drawing table on furniture. :-( I'll keep you posted.

An e-mail just popped up on my screen and I read it and I shouldn't have. My ex-MIL and I are pretty close and I'm pretty close with the rest of the family, too. Just not my ex. I will tell a very brief background. The ex-MIL has 2 daughters. N is the oldest at 26. She started having babies at 19 and basically has not stopped since. The e-mail that just popped up was an announcement of yet another baby. This will be child #8. There's so much drama involved in this story that I could write a book and you probably wouldn't believe a lot of what I would write because you would think I was making it up and that no one is really that dumb/irresponsible. You'd be wrong, my friend. She is the daddy of all the babies. That is about the only smart thing in this situation. Well, actually....the way she has gotten everything handed to her and gets everything she wants and works over everyone is the REALLY smart part. I figured she'd have another one because I truly believe she has an illness where she needs to be pregnant/center of attention/have babies. However, given the fact that her husband has just gone back to work after almost a year of unemployment (and he's working at a nearby mall as I understand it) would lead me to believe that she might put the breaks on her baby-making adventures. That, my friend, is where I am wrong. I'm sick of her having all these babies and other people paying her bills...her in-laws, her mother, the taxpayers (ME!). I just logged into FB to see what I could find out but apparently she has removed herself. I haven't been on there in a week or so and I don't do much on there so I don't know when she left. Humph. I just don't get it. Why put yourself even deeper in the hole? She's a nice girl with a good sense of humor and she loves her kids dearly. They are well cared for and loved beyond belief. They are great kids, all of them. But doesn't being a good parent entail some sort of fiscal responsibility?? I mean, come ON already. Maybe she's trying to get her own reality TV show? I can't even think about this right now. I was so happy when I started this post and now I'm deflated.

When will it be my turn? I don't want 8 or 7 or even 6....just ONE would make me the happiest. Just ONE to bless our lives. Just ONE to bring us joy. Just one...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Starting Anew

I'm not really starting "anew" but I am picking up where I left off, I suppose. I started temping yesterday morning again. I can't tell much from 2 day's worth, but I already know I'm back on track for some odd temps. I was at 97.8 yesterday, which is fine. Then of course today I'm at 98.1. That is usually a post-ovulation temp. Today is CD5 so hopefully I can get a good baseline before I ovulate. And HOPEFULLY I won't ovulate as early as I have been. I'm going to hold out hope. Although, if I stay with a CD9 ovulation, that will mean that we should do some BD'ing Saturday night. Even though we have the Little Guy this weekend, Saturday night fun time is always easier to come by then week night fun time. That would also mean that BJ should be very ready to go by then as we had some activity last night. "Yay" for things seemingly to fall into place. Of course you know this means that I will have a later ovulation and things will get all off schedule and we'll probably miss everything. But AGAIN, I'm holding out hope. I will start opk testing on Friday. I know that's early, but I don't want to miss anything.

My boss was not here Monday so yesterday really felt like my first day back to work. That's a nice thing because today is Wednesday and I was thinking it was Tuesday. I love it when it happens like that. Not so much when I think it's Friday and it's only Thursday.

I am going to a scrapbooking retreat this weekend. I actually took a day off work to attend all 3 days. I'm very excited about it. I haven't worked on anything since early June. I am a year and a half behind on pictures. I'm not staying overnight at the hotel since I live about 5 minutes from it, but it will still be nice to be able to work uninterrupted (for the most part) on my album. I will still be able to have dinner and breakfast with BJ and the Little Guy Saturday and Sunday. Plus, I need to leave Saturday for about 2 hours to attend the Little Guy's very first basketball game. I'm really excited about it. He had his first real practice Monday and seemed to enjoy it so I hope he likes playing in a game just as much. Plus, I can't wait to take some pictures for our album! And since I have the sports cartridge for my Cricut, I will be able to make some very cool layouts. Yes, I'm a scrapping geek. I have my SIL to thank for that. It has really allowed me to try and get in touch with my creative side. I stress the word "try" as I am not that crafty. But it's fun and relaxing (for the most part) and I actually have a finished product when I am done. I've never gone to a 3-day event before. I've done a few full day events and have enjoyed them so hopefully this will go well. You would be surprised how quickly the time passes when you are sitting there working. I don't know anyone (except the 2 consultants running it) that will be there so maybe I will make a new friend. It's hard at these events because people are filling their albums with baby pictures and nursery pictures and birth stories. I don't have much in common with them so it's hard to make a connection. I have pictures of the Little Guy and that definitely makes it less agonizing, but it's not the same as making a baby album or a "first steps" page or something like that. But I'm not going to let that bring me down...I'm going to work and hopefully get through the rest of 2008 pictures and if I get a lot done, I will need to print some pictures at the 1-hour place to work on the rest of the weekend.

BJ is taking off today to go and pick up our love seats! I'm so excited about it. I just wish that our ottoman was in, too. Something more to look forward to. He also needs to get a chest x-ray and an abdominal sonogram. He's had some issues and was supposed to get this stuff done months ago but he is who he is. He said he didn't want any bad news before Christmas. I don't think there is anything wrong with him. He's had 2 or 3 chest x-rays since I've known him and no one ever finds anything. But he gets short of breath at times and he's worried....since he smoked for 20 years or so. He had abdominal pain before and they never found a reason for it. I'm not concerned but I understand his fears. I'm glad he's going today and I hope he can get it done today to put his mind at ease.

We are still dealing with some issues regarding our new house and I now have 3...that's right, 3 holes in 3 different walls in my house. Lovely. I'll explain it all later as this has again gotten very long and the house deserves its own post at this point. Aren't you excited to hear me complain even more?? :-)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Welcome Back

So I haven't updated since 12/23...bad me. I have been reading and keeping up with just about everyone else's blog and I must's pretty busy around here! There has been a lot of activity in the past week and a half to say the least. We have FETs, DEs, IVFs, IUIs galore! I hope that each and every one of you get (and keep) your BFP! So happy and hopeful for all of know who you are.

I'm going to try and keep this short as I have a tendency to babble, as you know. So wish me luck.

Christmas was good. It was nice spending it in our new house together and having the Little Guy wake up there. He was spoiled, as kids should be at this time of year. The not so good part was that we had to give him up at 12:00 so he could spend the rest of the day with his mom and her boyfriend and his kids. We were lonely after he left. And of course the mind starts going in the direction of how I should be pregnant and anticipating the arrival of a Spring baby and how we will never be alone on Christmas day again...SNAP back to reality. We had a nice day together and that is what is really important. My husband also spoiled me this year, as he tends to do at Christmas. I don't get a lot, but I get good quality, thoughtful gifts. I actually enjoy giving more than getting anyway. I received a beautiful red laptop that I named Scarlett. I love Scarlett so far. She is big and shiny and has all kinds of cool software...including Windows 7. I'm still learning some things about Scarlett so it will take me a while before we are best buds, but we are getting there. I also got a Kindle. I have been talking about it for well over a year now and I never expected to actually own one, but I do. I downloaded my first book today and completely enjoyed clicking through the pages on my lunch break. I just wish that I could get all of my blogs on there...that would ROCK.

If we didn't have a Christmas party to attend on the Sunday after Christmas, the tree and all the decorations would have come down. I waited until Monday morning to take everything down. I was so tired of looking at it. I have had a really hard time with my favorite holiday this year and I just can't pinpoint why. I'm hoping that next year I will be back to my regular self again. I normally don't take any Christmas stuff down until January 1.

We spent NY's with BJ's sister and another couple at the sister's house. We wanted to ring in the new year at our new house but his sister already had plans with this other couple that they usually spend that time with so we adjusted. It was fun. The kids and adults took turns playing the Wii and we had a fun time. We left about 2 minutes after midnight, though. :-)

We went to 5 furniture stores looking for a new couch and love seat on NY's day. We found a set that we really liked at one place but had to give up on it because the arms were not padded much and it was as if there was a metal rod in there...not comfy. We couldn't decide if we wanted reclining furniture or a set with an ottoman. I love an ottoman but BJ was partial to the recliners...he IS a man after all. So we set out again on Saturday. After about 2 1/2 hours at a big store, we settled upon a set (with an over sized ottoman!) only to figure out that it probably would be too big for the room. UGH! Since when did furniture shopping get so hard? We decided to get 2 loveseats instead of a loveseat and sofa. We think it will be great in the room and with the over sized ottoman, it will offer plenty of seating for people. Plus, with our new kitchen table (on order) everyone will feel like they are in the same room anyway! Yay! We also bought the little guy his bunk beds. No mattresses yet, though. We don't like the bunk bed mattress as they are thin and I'm sure not very good for you. So we are looking around for inexpensive but decent mattresses that will last him for many years to come. Good luck to us. The bed he has now will do until we get mattresses.

I worked in the new house on my first Monday off more than I thought I would. I unpacked box after box after box. Our garage is full of empty boxes just waiting for the new neighbors to come and get them for when they move in in a few weeks. Go me! It took me 8 hours but I got about 90% unpacked. I'm pretty proud of myself. I also think I burned myself out because I haven't unpacked anything else since!

On the TTC side of things (since this is an infertility blog after all), my lovely body has decided to go haywire again. My period started on 1/2 giving me a 23 day cycle. WTH is THAT? Unbelievable. Well, these days I'm beginning to believe just about anything is possible with my body. It just sucks to be so unpredictable. I'm not used to it. I'm really thinking about calling the new RE/OB and seeing if I can meet with him again and let him know what's been going on with me to see if we can figure something out. I don't know why I'm procrastinating with this. I think it's because I know my only option is IVF and I can't afford it right now, if ever again. I would love to do a Clomid cycle without injections and monitoring and all that but I'm not very good at asking for things like that. I feel like a burden even though I'm the patient and I should have some say in my treatment. I'll talk it over with BJ and see what he thinks. I need to dig my bbt out of my purse so I can get back in the habit of temping again. Less than a month of not doing it and I'm already out of sync.

I have a lot more to say but I'll save it for another day as this is getting pretty long. To give you a preview, we are having some problems with our new house. I know, who would have thunk it?

I'm wishing for a great 2010 and babies for us all! I hope that all of you that are in the 2ww of whatever procedure you are undergoing get a great BFP that sticks and brings you much joy!