Monday, August 31, 2009

Ho Hum

I'm feeling a bit ho hum today. Not sure why...maybe it's the Monday Blues. I've been a long time sufferer of the Monday Blues. Mondays have always been a bone of contention with me. I have a really hard time sleeping Sunday night because of Monday anxiety. I've been this way since I was a kid. No real reason, just hate the "going back" feeling I guess.

I didn't order my test strips and pre.seed until this morning. I picked free shipping so it might not all get here in time for this cycle, but since I'm temping I'll at least know if/when I ovulate. I wake up so many times during the night that I don't know if my temps are accurate, but it's all I have to go on since I'm not being invaded by the camera wand anymore.

BJ and I had a nice time when we went out this weekend. We went Saturday instead of Friday. His old hang out was not the same and we stayed for just one drink and a game of pool. A game at which I really suck at but enjoy playing anyway...most of the time. We then went to a restaurant/bar closer to home and had a good time because it was Karaoke night! Yay! I love listening to other people sing, even if they aren't any good. They usually pick songs that I know and sometimes even like. So I get to sit on my bar stool and sing along and feel pretty good about myself. I'm pretty sure I'm tone deaf but I LOVE singing anyway. BJ actually ran into the son of the owner of his old hangout. It was a nice evening. We then proceeded to go home and partake in some buzzed up physical fun. Well, he didn't really have a buzz because he was the driver, but I was pretty lit up. :-) Why does alcohol make things so much more fun?

One bit of good news is that when I went to see my doctor for my follow-up to the famed ER visit I was weighed. Yes, I said "good" news. I am only about 1 or 2 pounds heavier than when I was weighed last which was in early April. Hot damn! I was certain I had gained almost 10 pounds with the whole IVF thing. Not so. I'm still going to try and take off a few pounds and tone up my troubled flabby areas. That in itself will take me months. I'd like to lose 8 pounds but I know that is not possible while still eating meals with BJ and the Little Guy on the weekend. I do good during the week but the weekend kills all my efforts. I hate having to think so much about what I eat and how much. But I was not born to be one of those kind of gals that just gets to eat whatever and never worry about where the pounds and flab are packing on.

I'm on CD 8 today which means, according to history, that I will most likely ovulate Friday or Saturday of this week. Hope I get my pee stick opk's by then. And of course, the Little Guy is with us this weekend so the BD'ing won't be as easy to plan or execute. I will make the best of it somehow. I want to at least feel like I have a shot this cycle. Although, the more I think about it and ponder it, the more I think I have bad eggs and who is to say that I will ovulate a good egg or even an egg at all? I hate this back and forth I play with myself over whether or not I even want to keep trying knowing that out of 5 follicles I only had 2 (supposedly) good eggs that fertilized correctly. Makes me want to ask my OB/GYN for a prescription of Clomid. At least I know that I respond well and will have a good chance at a mature egg. I'm not scheduled to see her again until February. Maybe I'll give her a call. Probably not. I'm just so ho hum about the whole thing sometimes. I go from being really excited to be really hopeless about it. I'm moving forward and that is a good thing.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Getting Back on Track....

At least I'm trying to, anyway.

First, I want to say a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to Murgdan today!!!! I'm happy beyond belief and I tear up every time I think of you!

My first day of taking my temp was yesterday and I'm pretty sure it was a bust. It was 98.0 and that's high for me first thing in the morning. BJ thinks I'm strange because I had my temp taken at the ER 3 times and it was 97.6, 97.5, and 97.9...he thinks I'm "cold". :-) Anyway...I didn't have a good night sleep nor did I last night and my temp was 97.9 this morning. We will see how the weekend goes so maybe they will even out.

I'm going to order some opk's from the Internet today...along with some pre.seed. Everything should be here next week and just in time. On another note, I'm also ordering BJ a new Bunn coffee maker. His was damaged in the move and his b-day is just around the corner so we decided that the coffee maker would be his present. AND I'm ordering a 16g flash drive for myself...maybe 2. I have thousands of pictures that I need to back up before my computer crashes (not the laptop, pictures are on the desktop) like I just KNOW it will. I'm paranoid.

My period has been very light again, just like last month. I'm grateful but at the same time I'm wondering if my lining is too thin. The cramps were just about normal but the flow was next to nothing compared to a "regular" period, not to mention the Niagara effect the IUI's had on me. Again, I like the lightness but hope that it's not a bad sign of a crappy lining for the future.

BJ and I are probably going to go out tonight. We are going to visit a little bar that he used to hang out at in his younger more alcohol filled days. I am wearing my new jeans and one of the new shirts I got on a shopping spree a few weeks ago. He had gotten me a JCPenney gift card for my b-day in MAY and I hadn't gotten the chance to go shopping. I made out like a bandit, too. I got 5 or 6 shirts, a pair of jeans, 2 other work type pants and 5 new undies for $141!! I LOVE their big Saturday sales...oops, I digress. We are going to watch the 'Skins pre-season game to see how we like it at this bar. It has new owners and a new look so we'll see how we feel. We really enjoy watching football with friends in a fan-friendly atmosphere and it's not easy to find places like that anymore. Since we now live 30 minutes from our old hang out we have to test new things. I'm also going to get my hair washed and blow dried (another gift card left over from Christmas) so I look extra nice. Are you sensing a trend here...I'm cheap or as I like to call myself FRUGAL.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope for more good news from the blogging world!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

My ER Visit

I still don't have Internet at home...stupid laptop for dying. My only access is at work and that sucks.

Saturday evening I got a headache of the "my progesterone has dropped and my period is getting ready to start" variety. Still no spotting, though. On Sunday around 6:30 or so I got up off the couch (after a nice nap with BJ) and felt like I got up too fast. You know that feeling in your head...a little dizzy a bit wobbly...then it goes away. Well, it didn't go away. I started feeling a strange pressure in the back of my head. It didn't hurt to touch, but when I tried to sit back and put my head back on the couch, it was very uncomfortable and I felt dizzy. BJ suggested a walk outside to see how I did. I had a few spells of nausea and I still felt very dizzy. This was something I had never felt before. This was definitely not a normal headache. BJ wanted to go to the ER. After about 20 minutes or so, I agreed to go. I hate doing that...especially since I know how long we would be sitting there and it was Sunday and we both had to work Monday morning. But we went.

I explained myself to 3 different people on my way back to a "room". The girl taking care of me did all the neurological tests and I guess I passed them. Then she asked me about medications. I had to get into all the IVF/IUI meds I have been on. She asked if I could be pg and I said that it was possible as I am 3 days late. A beta and other bloodwork was ordered. The young girl that came in to take my blood and start the IV line was pleasant enough...until she had issues with my veins. She tied the rubber hose around my arm and BJ told her that I have small veins so she was warned. She cleaned my arm and then DIDN'T DRY IT OFF before sticking me with the IV line! I yelled because I wasn't expecting it to sting like that. I told her she needed to dry it off because the alcohol stings. She pressed and dug around and finally found the vein. My blood was coming out so slowly that it clotted. I had to be stuck the other arm. She said she wasn't allowed to blow it dry but she would this time. WHATEVER! As if I were asking for special treatment. She found another vein in my left arm. She stuck me and dug and pressed and squeezed! I was tense to say the least. I've had my blood drawn a hundred times in the past 8 months and no one has hurt me this bad. I turned my head away from her and ground my teeth really hard to not yell at her. She pulled it out and said that because I keep moving she can't find it. WTF??? BJ said my arm barely moved. So another lady came in and really worked at getting my vein ready. She found a good one in my forearm....that's new. She stuck me and it was no where near as painful as the young girl. They got my blood and took it away. When the results came back, my potassium was slightly elevated so I had to get an EKG. Mind you, I'm here because I'm having head problems...not heart problems. It comes back fine and the repeat of blood work showed my potassium was fine. I now have a very nasty bruise on my arm.

The lady came in and sat on the bed. Made me very nervous but apparently her feet her just tired. She said that my blood was fine and that my beta was negative...maybe it's too early? I said no, if it's negative now then it's negative. BJ and I were secretly hoping she'd come in with some good news. It was a let down but I knew it would be. That's what I get for letting Hope back in my life. My CT scan was normal, too. We finally got to leave there at midnight with a diagnosis of Vertigo and Paresthesia. I stayed home yesterday but I'm still a bit off today. The neurologist can't see me until 9/17 so I'm trying to get in to see my regular doctor and hope that he sends me for an MRI. Just to be on the safe side. My hospital doesn't have access to MRI machines on the weekend...nice.

My period showed up yesterday spotting, just showed up. I forgot to take my temp this morning so I have to really try hard to remember tomorrow so that I can see what's going on inside of me and get a sense of what my body is doing or not doing. I need to order some Pre.seed and some ovulation tests, too. Lots to much so that it's making my head spin...oh wait...that's the vertigo. :-)

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Infertility Song

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

This is Green Day's song called "21 Guns". When I heard this song and listened to more than just the chorus I started crying. This song is 99% about IF...I just KNOW it. I know it's not really about IF and IVF failures, but it hit the nail on the head. Every time I hear it I get goose bumps. It brings all my feelings forward about my failed IVF. I feel like I'm in ruins and I can't get another try and a part of my heart has died. I can relate to almost every single lyric in this song. THAT doesn't happen too often in today's Pop Culture music. Thanks to Green Day for reaching out to me in this way.

Any trace of spotting that I had has disappeared completely. However, I know the period is on the way because I'm getting very agitated very quickly. At this point, I just want it to show up so I can get on with temping and charting and obsessing about BD'ing and all that GOOD stuff. :-)

If you get a chance, please stop on over to Conceive This! and drop a few lines of encouragement as she is undergoing her FET today!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Bit Disconnected

We moved over the weekend, my laptop died and I missed Monday and Tuesday of work because of moving/cleaning/organizing and closing on my house. My first day back at work was yesterday and I had almost 30 new blog entries to read. I've gotten through most of them and unfortunately I haven't responded to them because they are "old news" now. I feel badly about that. It's always nice to know that someone is reading and responding. I will eventually catch up with everyone. I hate not having the Internet at home. Well, we have it but the laptop died while we were trying to "install" it. DAMN. Trying to figure out when I can get the brother-in-law to check it out. The stupid thing won't even boot up. It's terrible to be that disconnected from everything.

We are all moved in (aside from the storage unit that will get emptied this weekend or next) and I must say that I am battered, bruised, beaten and exhausted. We used a delivery truck from BJ's work. There was no ramp so I, being all of 5'2'', had to climb up and down for 2 days. I packed my truck up 2 or 3 times. I'm the type of person that has to have a house "livable" right away. I unpacked like a maniac Saturday and Sunday and Monday. BJ just wanted to unpack whatever he needed for the next day. I can't do that. I had to clean BOTH places. Luckily, our house was no where near as filthy as the rental. It was disgusting and I hate other people's "ick". I can deal with my own but I draw the line with strangers. My poor cat is finally starting to act like herself. She's 8 and has lived in that house for 7 years. She's high anxiety about being in her carrier so the 35 minute ride was lots of fun. She was moaning and crying and then she soiled herself. It was terrible. It was 90 degrees and humid and I had to have the windows down to avoid hurling out the window from the smell. But she's much better now and I anticipate that she'll be fully back to normal by next week.

I bought tickets for the PowerBall. When I told BJ about it his response was comforting but sad at the same time. Whenever we talk about winning the lottery or some windfall, he usually starts out with a house on the water. Then comes the 10 car garage because he doesn't know what he'll buy first, the Harley, the Vette, or the Mustang. Well yesterday the first thing he said about our potential winnings...."We'd definitely have a baby then." My heart swelled and I wanted to cry. I said "yeah, one way or another". And then he said "we'd have enough money that I would tell the doctor if he didn't get you pregnant that I'd pay to have his head on a stick". It was really sweet. To know that a baby is the first thing he thought of really touched me.

Speaking of babies...I'm on CD27 today. I've had the chocolate cravings, the slight moodiness (mainly sappiness) and some twinges/pinches in the lower abdomen. Tuesday evening I saw the beginnings of spotting. I've hardly seen any since then. There was a little last night but nothing so far today. I'm not sure I would even call it spotting as it's more like mocha colored CM. I don't know when the period will come but I know it's on the way. I just wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start temping and charting properly.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Moving Right Along

Quick update on my Dad...they are home and he fixed the garage door. He's pretty angry at the bad guys. The police weren't much help or very confident that anything can be recovered. They told him to start checking around at local pawn shops for stuff. My Dad told me that he hopes they come back so he can teach them a lesson. A little scary to think about, but I know where he's coming from. Oddly enough, they didn't take any of his electronics. That's very good because of all the records on his computers. They chose to take a camouflage Dad joked that they must have been real red-necks. :-) My step-mom's jewelry was all taken and that is very sad. She doesn't have much but what she does have is very important to her. I hope those guys get what's coming to them.

We had our meeting yesterday and everything went smoothly. We signed up for a security system. We have one now and after what happened to my Dad I'm not taking any chances. Plus, the fire protection is very important to me. We are hoping to break ground on 8/24 and as long as the county gets what it needs that won't be a problem. I'm still bitter about my 4th bedroom, though.

I really wish I knew what was going on in my body right now. Since I'm not temping I have no idea when or even if I have ovulated. I'm a very regular cycle kind of girl. I have a 26-28 day cycle with ovulation taking place on day 12 or 13 usually. As you know, I went through 14 OPK's and never detected a surge. I'm thinking that I might have a cyst again. I'd never thought I'd say this but I'm really missing my monitoring. I have not gone 1 cycle without being monitored since December. I have no idea what my ovaries look like or my lining. I feel so in the dark about this cycle. It's really surprising to me that I feel this way. I will feel much better once my period comes and I start temping.

On a side note...we went to Out.back for dinner after our meeting yesterday. And as crazy as this sounds, I don't go there for the steak or the bloomin' onion....I go there for the No Rules Pasta with shrimp. They have the best Parmesan sauce on the planet I think. It's the only place I order it. I love pasta. I think I should have been Italian. I have converted BJ over to it as well. He is a Steak Man to say the least. However, whenever he gets steak at a restaurant it's never as good as when we grill at home. So now he gets the pasta at Out.back, too. It's soooo damned good. And I know it's probably about 3000 calories so we only go there maybe 3 or 4 times a year at the most. It's our treat to ourselves. The Little Guy gets the Joey Sirloin because he takes after his dad and loves steak...always has. Of course, his steak is always perfect no matter where we go. We joked about ordering 3 kids steaks the next time...not sure how that would fly with the staff.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Hodge Podge

First, let's start with my body. I'm having some slight pinching in the left ovary area. I started having sticky CM yesterday and it has continued to today. I'm on CD20. I broke down and took my last OPK test yesterday morning around 10:00 after "holding" for 4 hours and it guessed it...NEGATIVE. My guess is that I have a cyst. It likes to grow on my left ovary from time to time. Nothing to worry about because I'm not under treatment so it shouldn't be causing any harm, right? My fear is that I'm ovulating now. We haven't done anything since Sunday and today is Thursday. I wish I had started temping this cycle. Lesson learned.

Next, I want to talk about my Dad's e-mail I got this morning. I haven't given much background on my family yet, just the little snippets in my first couple of posts. I will give more back story another day. Today I want to curse thieves. I want to find the people that robbed my Dad's house of EVERYTHING and rip their arms off and beat them with said arms. I got a very sad e-mail this morning (he wrote it at almost 2:00am his time) stating that the garage door had been ripped off and all his tools and everything of value was taken from the home. They were not there, thank goodness. However, I fully believe that the criminals knew the schedule they had been keeping and very carefully planned this heist. My dad has hundreds of for every job imaginable because he is a do-it-yourselfer all the way. They had some very nice TV's in the house. Several computers (and I don't want to think about the info the bad guys now have since they have those computers) and 3 very important guns were taken. My grandfather's war gun, a relic from the Korean War and a little .22 that my Dad has had since he was 11 years old. I haven't spoken to my Dad because he's working right now so I don't know if he filed a police report or not. I don't know if furniture was taken or anything like that. I will find out more later. Right now I want to cry for my Dad. What he has been through in the last 3 years (I'll tell more at a later date) is completely unfair. But this takes the cake. I can't imagine how violated they must feel right now. And to know that some scum bag has been in that house and touching their things makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not a violent person I but I feel like hurting someone right now. Not just anyone...the ones that hurt my Dad and Step-mom. They don't deserve this. They are good, decent people that would give you the shirt off their backs if you needed it. It's outrageous that this still goes on in the world. And in the little town they live in to boot. Is there no limit of how we can hurt our fellow humans? Aren't we all just trying to make it in this world? What gives them the right to take from someone else? DAMN THEM STRAIGHT TO HELL. I'd like to send them there myself. Sorry to be so violent but I'm very angry right now. I can't even give them a hug because I live so far away.

Third, we are supposed to give final sign off on our blueprints for the new house today so they can break ground on 8/24. Not going to happen. We want to move the basement bathroom. We have to pick a new finish for the cabinets because our cabinets don't come in the stain we want. We have a meeting at 2:30 today to go over it all. Ugh. I'll be glad once they start building and don't need us to do as much anymore.

Here's to hoping that I just have a cyst right now and that I ovulated (without detecting a surge) on time. At least I would still feel like I'm in the game this month.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Testing, Testing...1, 2, 3 - this is from 8/11

So after I started having some sticky/watery CM yesterday I decided to reduce myself to POAS of the OPK kind this morning. I took one at 6:00am and another at 10:00am. And for me to hold my pee for that long after drinking a bottle of water at the gym is a feat in itself. But I did it for the good of the test. I haven't POAS in over 4 years and now I can't seem to stop myself. Good thing there are only 2 more in the box. But of course the test was NEGATIVE both times. I find that so strange because all my other signs of impending ovulation are here....the watery CM, the RAGING hormones. And when I say raging, I'm not kidding. I can't think about my lovely BJ without having to adjust the way I'm sitting because I get a slight tingle. I know I divulge too much, but who am I really hurting? :-)

So I sit and wait some more. Wondering if I should test again tonight when I get home. Thinking it might be best to just let it go and not worry about it anymore and hope that AF shows up on time or at least close to on time. We'll see I guess. I'll let you know tomorrow if I broke down and tested again. I'm so weak.

On a bright note....I received a blog award! That's right, little 'ol me that has been at this for just over a month or so! I'm so grateful to have gotten this award. Below are the instructions and my nominees for the award. I will tell you that most of my nominees have probably already gotten the award recently and I don't read enough blogs to fill the quota, but I'm going to do the best I can. So thank you slice of pie for nominating me!

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I would like to nominate the below blogs for the One Lovely Blog Award. They get me through the day by lifting me up, making me smile, letting me cry and they remind me that I'm really NOT all alone in my struggles:

Bottoms Off And On The Table...

Conceive This!

I've Got News For You...

I Never Thought It Made Sense Anyway

Living In Hope

Gracie In Brooklyn

We Got Hitched. We Bought the 4-Bedroom House. Now What???

Monday, August 10, 2009

Negative Nelly

Ok, so I know that I can't rely completely on OPK's but this is getting ridiculous. I have tested about every 12 hours (and not with FMU) for days now. I STILL have not seen a positive. I decided to quit testing. I don't know if it's me or the tests that are wacky. The last test I took was yesterday morning. The "test" line was as dark as it should be but the "results" line was half dark, half light. WTH is that? I give up on them this cycle. I still have a few to use and if I have a normal cycle I'm probably going to get some of those neat little "dip-strips" from the good 'ol Internet. I can't take all of these negative tests.

BJ and I had an unsuccessful attempt at some babymaking Friday night. Not sure what the problem was, maybe just too much pressure or something. Whatever. We skipped Saturday night because we actually went out with friends that we haven't seen in about 6 months. He did some drinking and it got late and we had to come home and basically go right to bed because he had to be up at 6:30 for a golf outing. But last night was fun! I'm sure he'd kill me for spilling our beans like this to all of you, but hey, if I can't divulge our most intimate details with perfect strangers...most of which are nameless and faceless...then WHO can I confide in? I'm on CD17 so I don't know if last night was any good as far as babymaking goes but it was fun, and not scheduled, so that made it worth it.

It was so nice to go out with our friends. We actually thought we had done something to alienate ourselves because we haven't heard from them. I'm the type of person that won't be a pest and keep calling people and such. So, we stopped hearing from them and I just sulked about it and missed them. Well, come to find out (by chance) that their youngest daughter (20) had been hooked on drugs and they have been dealing with all of that mess. They are good people and they have good kids so for something like that to happen is a travesty. We reconnected (of course now that we are moving) and it was really nice. I haven't been dancing in so long that I almost forgot how. We had such a good time that we didn't want to leave but of course of all things BJ had to play golf Sunday. It was a work sponsored event so he couldn't really get out of it. You know, a "networking" event. I got so much packing done while he was gone and I had the house to myself. I work much better on my own in that sense.

We are scheduled for our final contract signing to get things going on the new house Thursday. I'm very nervous about it. This is a very big event for me and we've already had some headaches dealing with it. Can't wait to see how the next 5-6 months go.

In closing, I want to say how unfair I think IF is. I read 2 of the saddest posts last week about lost pregnancies. As if this struggle to have a family isn't hard enough, why does it have to be so torturous for some? I would post the links to the blogs so that you could offer support and kind words, but I'm too "green" to blogging to know how to do it right. I apologize for that. But say a quiet prayer for Mo and Susan when you can. Their hearts are broken and it just plain sucks.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Options and Upgrades

BJ and I had our first design meeting Tuesday afternoon for our new house. This is where we sit down with the designer and go over everything we want in the house, any changes or upgrades we want and make our selections on anything from flooring to our kitchen faucet. Very overwhelming to say the least. The only decisions I've ever made about a house are what color to paint. And by the way, builders don't paint "colors". They have about 8 shades of white to choose from. Colors are optional.

The whole time we are looking at the layout my eyes keep drifting over to bedroom #4. I can't help but think about how it will just be a spare room now or maybe an exercise room. I almost asked if we could knock down the wall between the master and this room and make a bigger closet. I kept quiet and kept making decisions.

We hate our cabinets. They are the blandest oak. However, changing them in the slightest is an upgrade. We opted to just add crown moulding at the top to give it a more finished look. We decided to dress them up with nice hardware at a later date. We also hate the vinyl flooring for the kitchen. If BJ can work a good discount through his workplace then we will have hardwood but if not we are stuck with ugly, fake looking stone tiles. Why can't they have a solid color of some sort? Why does everything have to look like fake stone tiles? Anything nicer was an upgrade.

"When do I get to upgrade my eggs?" That's the question I really wanted to ask. chirp chirp chirp....can you hear the crickets in the room? Anyway, we made all of our selections and thanks to BJ's colorblindness I get to have my cranberry colored front door! He said it looked nice but I know he can't fully appreciate it's beauty. It will be my little secret.

We did some BD'ing last night even though I got a negative on my OPK again. Today is CD13 and I should be ovulating. But things aren't really the way they should be lately because really, I SHOULD be pregnant. I took another OPK about an hour ago and it was negative too. However, I finally have some fertile CM! Yay for small victories. I will test again when I get home but I have a feeling we'll be able to skip tonight and have some fun tomorrow night when we are home alone. The Little Guy will be with his mother this weekend. I'm hoping to get a negative tonight because I want at least 1 day for the swimmers to stock up. We'll see what happens.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Here I Go Again On My Own....

Very quickly I want to thank those of you that post encouraging remarks. It really makes a difference in my daily feelings.

Next, I want to say that we really had a nice time on our little get-away. We did more in 36 hours than I thought was possible. Everything was close to where we stayed so that made it easy to get around. The drive was beautiful, the company was nice and the experience will be remembered. I had a few sad moments but they quickly passed and I focused on what was happening in the here and now rather than what has transpired over the last several months.

BJ and I are going to give TTC a "natural" chance. In my brain I know that it's next to impossible that we will be successful, but I don't think I have it in me to just walk away from the possibility. It won't be easy as TTC naturally really changes things in a marriage. There are ways to ease the stress and pressure but regardless of that, there is always a schedule of events. It's nowhere near as complicated as the IVF schedule. This schedule requires a lot more of the Man of the House. I'm not sure how that is going to go. He doesn't like pressure and he doesn't like to be told when it's "fun" time. I completely understand that. Babymaking for us long timers is just that...Babymaking. It can take a lot of the romance out of your life. As well as the spontaneity. There is nothing greater than just snuggling in bed and then things happening. Now, we will have to be mindful that it's not too close to my fertile time. We had this happen last night. We wanted to, but we know that I will probably be fertile tonight and/or tomorrow night. It was a little disappointing.

I went so far as to buy a box of OPK's from the drugstore. I think they have gone up in price since the last time I bought them....about 6 years ago. So far, I have not detected my surge. I just tested about an hour ago and I think the line was a little bit darker than last night's line. I usually ovulate on CD13. Today is CD12. I'm wondering if my IVF has shifted my cycle. I'm hoping that it hasn't messed my insides up to where they are unpredictable from here on out. BJ and I did some pre-babymaking activities Saturday in prep for a positive test yesterday or this morning. If we had've done what we needed to last night (like we both wanted) then we'd be set and ready for a positive (hopefully) tonight/tomorrow. Oh well. Such is the life of a TTCer with no injection schedule. I guess next cycle I will have to add temping to my daily routine. I have given up on checking my CM. When I turned 30 my fertile CM days were cut in half and now it seems like they have been again at the ripe old age of 33. I might invest in some PreSeed. I've never used it before but some of the ladies on the message board seem to like it. I found it in single doses online. I might get that one. Seems simple enough and right now, since we are doing this on our own, I'm going to try whatever I can.